I lost my mother two weeks ago

[Jeff0805]

I lost my mother April 27, 2017 

My sister called me that morning and said to get to the hospital mommy was rushed there and nobody would tell her how she was doing, she was unconcious and had a faint pulse. She had been rushed to the hospital twice this year because of unexplained fainting, but every time I arrived she was alert and waiting to see the doctor! This time was different when I went to the hospital I was escorted to the family room where I waited for 30 mins til my family got there...then the doctor came in. He said he did all he could do but she did not make it. I started crying and was in a state of shock my sister and uncle asked the questions. Since that day I've pretty much cried every day! I'm back at work staying busy but I feel so lost. I just wish I could talk to her one more time! Hug her one more time...give her a proper goodbye. People around me check on me and I tell them I'm fine, but I'm not...I want to be fine but I don't know what to do to get this constant heartache to stop. She was in an assistant living home before she passed, I talked to her a few times a week...made frequent short visits and brought her the things she needed and wanted. Looking back now just wish I'd spent more time with her and talked to her about whatever she wanted to talk about! I told her I loved her often but it still just feels like it wasn't enough, I feel like I let her down now. 

[reader]

Dear Jeff,

My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your beloved mom. I'm so sorry for your pain and sorrow. Your thoughts, feelings and questions are a normal part of grief. Losing our parents is a terrible shock. It takes a toll on our minds and bodies. So many of us feel as you do, we all wanted more time. We wanted the outcome to be different. Jeff, how could you know? You loved your mom. I know its easier said than done, but you did not fail your mom. You did the best you could.

If you feel like it, maybe consider talking to a counsellor or joining a support group. I find these websites helpful in understanding my grief. What's Your Grief and the Grief Healing Blog.

Please know you are not alone. Thinking of you and your family during this difficult time.

[The Girl]

I'm so sorry for your loss.  What I read there was that you've been a wonderful son.  You stayed in touch while she was going through a difficult time, you visited, you helped in ways you were able to, and throughout all that you showed your mom so much love when she needed it the most.  Grieving brings guilt, and sometimes it passes, other times it clings on.  You're entitled to your guilt as much as you are every other emotion you're experiencing.  I just wanted to let you know that it sounds like you were there for her and that makes you a pretty great kid to her. 

Those first few weeks/month, people do tend to check in regularly.  And yeah, what can you say to them?  They only check in b/c they truly care, but I know it feels like you'd be burdening them by being honest.  For me, it felt like it would take a painfully long conversation when all they asked was how I'm doing, and usually to people who didn't have a clue what I was going through.  I also lied to them to make them go away.  And after that initial month, they generally do.  

It's good to talk about what happened, what you're experiencing...it helps to process everything, helps you to learn how to adjust to this new life.  But you have to do it in a way you feel comfortable with.  Personally, I like this forum, writing in a grief journal, and occasionally talking to a friend or two.  

It will get better.  It's going to feel horrible for awhile.  A long while really, but that constant crushing sadness does relax before long.  I'm 3 months in and I've determined that nothing can fix this, it's just not fixable, you know?  The only thing that could fix it is to go back in time.  But rather than be fixed, to magically feel better, there's instead a slow and gradual change within us.  People are so right to call this a journey.  I think it's easier to accept that than it ever will be to accept your loss, but it can make the process feel a little more sane. 

[DDT]

I just talked to my dad on the phone from his hospital room. He could hardly speak. The cancer spread from his throat, to his liver, kidneys and lungs. The doctor said people that want to talk and see my dad should go to the hospital. I live 270 miles away.I told him I love him. He said the same back then my mom came on the line. She is like a rock.  He could leave us by the time I got there. Right now I feel as the best thing I can do is sit on my front steps, listen to the birds and watch the clouds.

I feel useless and selfish for thinking this is the best thing to do right now.