loss of dad

[jordan-]

I lost my dad at the age of 9 i am now 17 the past 3 years i have been struggling alot coming to terms with his death, i am setting exams at the minute and i cant focus at all when i am revising , all i can think about 24/7 is my dad.i have been getting thoughts throw my mind is there any point in living anymore. I miss him sooo much , i never got to say goodbye or tell him iloved him

[reader]

Dear Jordan,

I'm sorry for your pain and sorrow. I know it hurts and you miss your beloved dad a lot. Its only normal to want to think about your dad. Have you considered talking to a grief counsellor about your feelings? Or a trusted friend or family member? They would want to know how are you feeling and what is the best way to support you? I have also tried writing in a journal and talking to my dad out loud sometimes. I like to think he can hear me. Sometimes it just helps to talk out loud.

We all hurt when we lose a parent and it takes a long time to understand. I still struggle myself. Please know you are not alone. And we are all here to listen and offer support. Thinking of you.

[jordan-]

I feel like i cant talk to my family about it, no one talks about him. No true friends to talk to things about , just get to embarrassed or scared they will tell other , never get a chance to get away from family to see anyone about it they are so over protective. 

I sit at night and cry myself to sleep it hurts that much , 2 years ago i started to self ham because i wss hurting so much.  I thought about wiriting a journal but i hate english and not good at thinking of things to write

[reader]

Dear Jordan,

I'm very sorry to hear how deep your pain is. I'm worried about your self harm. I don't know what country you are in but I think you should call a crisis line or a kids help line number available in Canada and Australia and UK. They will help you talk to someone that will listen and support you. I know you feel alone during this very stressful time.

I want to suggest these websites that might be able to help you cope as well. What's Your Grief and The Grief Healing Blog.

I don't fully know your family situation. So I don't want to push you if you are not comfortable. But please continue to reach out and get help.

Sending you my thoughts and prayers.

[The Girl]

As Reader suggested, the crisis lines are a great resource for someone such as yourself who is dealing with grief and self harm.  The people answering calls are trained, compassionate and understanding individuals who can help guide you and provide you with resources, should you need them. 

When my mom passed away, I struggled with urges to self harm.  The weight of that internal pain was so massive that inflicting physical pain felt like a welcoming vent for those upsetting feelings.  At that time I hadn't really spent any time expressing those emotions, I was just stuck with them.  Talking helped.  The want for self harm came after I shut myself off to everyone, but before I found means of communication that, during this stage, I'm comfortable with.  

Please know this forum, as well as other online grief sites and groups, are filled with people who have shared similar experiences and are dealing with similar feelings.  They're unbiased, non judgmental people who, like you, were looking for an outlet to express their grief.  Same extends to support groups in your local area.  Personally, I've found it easier than always confiding in friends or family, b/c at any time out of the blue you can talk about it w/o feeling like you're burdening anyone.  

You really are never alone in this.  Anytime you need to vent your sadness or frustrations, or just need someone to hear you, seek out that source.  It doesn't matter how you say it, how well you write it, there's always someone there who will listen. 

[jordan-]

I dont self harm no more but think about doing it a lot. I struggle to find trust in people a lot even my family and any friends. Been trying to find someone online to talk to someone because dont want to talk on the phone. 

It seems to affect me more at night when im alone, been struggling to sleep alot and have exams , putting so much pressure on me , cant focus when revising whrn i do revise fall to sleep because the lack of sleep im getting. 

I just sit listening to music that reminds me off him, lookint at photos and cry so much at night 

[The Girl]

I've also find night time to be the hardest.  When there's no distractions my thoughts just take over.  Does it help you to think about your dad at night?  I mean, lack of sleep and school work aside, do you feel any better after?

You're a brave soul listening to music.  It was very therapeutic to me early on when I was making a playlist for my mom's funeral.  She and I listened to a lot of the same stuff.  But it was a 4 hour playlist...that's a lot of songs...and now they all hit me a little too hard.  

It is a lot of pressure to go through what you're going through with school tacked on to it.  Have you found anything you still enjoy doing, that helps get your mind off everything for awhile?  We all need breaks from our sadness and misery.  

[jordan-]

It doesnt make me feel any better, i get thoughts in my head about him and just wanna listen to music but just makes me worse, cry myself to sleep listening to music. 

I think whats hurting me the most is he left when i was 2 had other kids but came down most saturdays to take me out for the day. Just wish i got more time with him. None of my family told me the trust about how he died , thy sill havent,i found a newspaper cut out of what happened but none of them know, i think thats hurting me to knowing how it happened and just wish i was there with him 

Stopped everything i used to do like horse riding, swimming and other stuff , just dont feel happy doing them any more. Only time i really felt better and wasnt crying as much aboit my dad was when i was eith my ex but lost sooo much trust in people now because of him. Struggle talking or telling people anything. 

I'm sorry to hear about your mum!x 

[The Girl]

Are you able to contact his other kids to see if maybe they have more information?  Or maybe a member of your extended family or a friend of your dad's.  You're entitled to know what happened.  It may even, in time, bring you some closure.  You could also look into ordering a death certificate if you're just curious of what the cause was.  

Are you coping alright when you're not alone?  Personally, I have my moments where I feel distracted enough to be okay, but the rest of the time I just pretend to be alright when I don't feel like getting into it with other people.  

Trust is a tricky thing.  It's hard to trust other people after someone has done something to hurt you.  But at the same time, everyone really is different and deserves a fair shot, and most people mean well.  Having a significant other can help soften the loss you've experienced, but they're not everything.  I may be wrong here, but I think that boils down to companionship.  Which can come from any relationship.  Do you have anyone in your life you feel you can trust?  Or anyone who you are least feel like you should be able to trust if you could get to a place where you were more open to it? 

[jordan-]

I could contact them but one is 14 and other is 11, they were little when it happened and probably dont remmeber much. After reading the newspaper cutout i know it was a 1 velicle car crash and how/why it happened, i dont want to write it how for everyone to see on here but thats whats hurting me knowing how it happened. There could be more to it but from the newspaper cut out its all i know. Im not close with any of his family to talk to them about it.

When im asked if im okay and stuff i say yh im fine/okay cause i dont want them knowing cause feel like its stupid and they wont understand. No dont feel like i can trust anyone , cant even trust family they go tell each other eveything. 

[The Girl]

Sorry, I misread a line earlier.  Does it bother you knowing how it happened b/c it caused you to lose respect for him, or b/c you feel there was something you could do to help if you were with him? 

Usually people have a hard time relating to someone who has lost a parent.  That's how I ended up on this forum.  You're at an age now where your peers won't be so judgemental, but some of them may still be growing into that maturity.  But even if they're the most mature and understanding people in the world, it's not easy having those conversations when the other person doesn't get it.  Do you have any friends who have lost a parent?  

Sorry to hear your family is gossipy.  My mom couldn't keep a secret hardly ever.  I'd get so mad at her about it, but then I'd go confide in her again and again and again.  So, I get it.  Privacy is a nice thing to have.  Though sometimes it's also nice not to have to keep secrets a secret.  But that decision should be up to you to make and not left up to your family. 

[jordan-]

Yeah it hurts a lost but because it happened when i was 9 i dont think i would have understand what it was or how i could have helped. From what i can remember reading he had mental health issue which is what caused him to take stuff and get additicted, if he didnt have the mental health issues then i would lose respect but it wasnt his fsult. 

I wish i was there to atleast try and him. He was driving alone coastal road and he lost control his car hit metal barrier and went dowb onto rocks , because of what he was on and stuff he had no seatbelt on so his head hit the rocks causing brain damage. He was dead before anyone got to him. I feel like if i wss there he would have maybe had his seatbelt on or i could have called for help sooner and stuff. 

The day it happened i was sick and stayed of school. It was a friday and he was picking me up that afternoon.  

My cousin lost her dad 2 years in march but shes struggling alot and she would probably tell my mum the stuff i tell her , my family are all to close to talk to. 

I have few school friends but dont bother much with them i keep myself to myself. I was friends with a girl since i was 3 but we fell out last year and i think thats gettinf harder for me to bot having her there but shes changed so much.

[The Girl]

That sounds like a lot for you to absorb as a 9 year old kid.  Even a lot now, since it was your dad and you had expected to see him that day.  

I think in tragedies like that, there probably are things that could have happened another way to stop them, but probably just as many things that could have changed and still resulted in the same ending.  If you were there, maybe it would have changed the scenario, but maybe you wouldn't have made it either.  Not knowing can eat away at you, but things would have been for better or for worse, and it could have just as well ended in for worse.  

You said the crash caused brain damage.  I've only known two people with brain damage.  One is my friend's dad, after a motorcycle accident.  He slowly recovered but will always have problems due to permanent damage.  But for him, surviving was better.  The other person was my mom.  Her blood pressure crashed during surgery while she had sepsis.  She would have made a full recovery but would never have been able to walk or feed herself or do pretty much anything.  So it was better for her to let her go.  I mean, clearly the extent of brain damage determines what's best, but sometimes the worst case scenario is all you can do.  

Does your cousin openly talk about her loss with the family?  Just thinking here, if she's reserved at all about that then maybe she'd appreciate having someone to talk to about it and maybe there would be a mutual respect of privacy.  

I had a close friend who I had a falling out with last year too.  We didn't talk for many months.  It was when my mom got sick and ended up in the hospital that we started talking again.  At first I was just keeping her updated, b/c all my friends were very close with my mom.  About a month or two after my mom passed, that friend and I started talking more.  We've both still gone our separate ways for the most part, but it's nice being able to talk to her.  When you've been friends with someone that long, they don't just quit caring.  I split off from many friends around your age and eventually reunited with the closest ones later on.  People do change, but you still share the same history, and that can be comforting during hard times.  Just saying, maybe it's still an option for you. 

 

[jordan-]

Just find it easier keeping it to myself, dont want to involve famiky or let them know how i feel, i feel like they dont care anyway, no one talks about him its like he was never here. 

I just dont no how much loger i can cope, its killing me crying myself to sleep every night,  just feel so done watcv sad videos or sad music 

[The Girl]

That's okay too if you don't want to talk to any of them.  It is sad how after someone passes those close to that person talk about them less and less.  Usually I think it's from people just living their busy lives, or that it's easier to avoid topics that make them sad.

What was he like?  What are some of the things you miss most about him?

[jordan-]

Tbh i struggle a lot to remember thigs about him which i hate soo much. 

He was so caring, always made jokes, when i was wjth him and his family he alwayd made sure i was okay. Most weekends he would take me to do something like bowling, cinema and then take me for food.

He was only 29when it happened. He had short blackish hair, an amazing smile. When i see his family they always tell me im a double of my dad and have his eyes and nose. 

Theres times i wish it was me and not him it happened to. My lifes nothijg and probably wont be. He had so much going for him. Just wish he got to live longer.

[DDT]

My dad just died of cancer a couple of hours ago. My entire body feels numb.

 

[The Girl]

Jordan, He sounds like a great guy.  It truly is unfair that he left so early.  I agree you should have had more time with him.  Everyone should be entitled to a long and fulfilling life, and it's incredibly painful when it's cut short for those important to us.  I guess part of me looks at like, everyone at some point in their life has their own battle, right?  They go through it and hopefully do their best to arm themselves with the right resources so that eventually they prevail.  You're always going to miss him, but, in time, you will get to a better place and your life will become richer.  Your life has meaning and value, but it can be hard to see that with what you're going through. 

It sounds like the time you spent together was meaningful and fun.  You had a nice dad for him to have done all that stuff with you.  It sounds like he tried to make your time together special.  I'm really sorry you didn't have more of that.  But it's also nice that he made some good memories with you. 

[jordan-]

Just wish i could remember them beter, i look back at looks thad only memory i have of them, i feel like everythings a big blur and sometimes i say to myself it isnt real, hes not really gone, i feel so stupid saying it but cwnt stop. 

Only think that sticks in my mind is his funeral and the biggest part i remember is the song that was played which was ( james blunt- goodbye my lover) every night i sit with it on repeat and listen to it and cry my eyes out. 

Mum only took me to the church not the grave because she doesnt like. I hate saying this incase i get a lot of hate for it but hes been gone 8 years and ive only visited the grave once which was the first fathers day without him( he died in march so was few months after) and visited the spot he died at. Mum jst took me down she didnt ask but since that she doesnt mention going to it. Every time i see my dads mum she askes if i have been to the grave, she seems really annoyed at me. 

He was living about hour and half away with his wife so she wanted him in a grave up there.

I dont no if im ready to do.... i really want to but im scared... i dont want to go with family because i know i wont be able to not cry and i dont want them to see me cry.... i want to go alone but dont think its a good idea because will just get myself into a bad state and scared incase i go back to self harming. Dont want to cry infrint of anyone tho.

[The Girl]

I think it's natural to say they're not really gone.  It's like it never really sinks in, that they should still be here, so they must still be.  It's just a lot to absorb no matter how long it's been.  I say all the time my mom isn't gone, that she's just in the hospital.  Many times, especially at the very beginning, I expect to get a text from her.  I think it's just our minds protecting ourselves from that pain, even if saying they're not gone is still incredibly painful. 

You may not be able to remember your memories with him very well, and I can only imagine how hard that must be, but it sounds like you remember him - who he was and what he meant to you - pretty well.  It would be nice to have clearer memories, but I guess remembering who they were is more important.  Who someone was is more important than what they did.  But still charish whatever details you do have. 

No judgement for how many times you've visited.  That's a personal matter that is entirely up to you.  Some people may have ideas of what you should do, but they're wrong.  Only you know what's right for you and what you feel up to doing, or if it's meaningful to you.  Graves are there for people to have a place to pay respects.  Personally, I've never thought it's necessary to go to the grave to do that.  We can just as easily cry and remember them from home.  If it's something that's important to you though, then you should visit when you're able to.  

In your first post you said the last few years have been hard.  Is it steady every day throughout those years, or do you seem to go in phases of bad to worse?  B/c maybe there will be a more comfortable time for you to visit him sooner than later. 

[jordan-]

Its feels like the older im grtting the most its affecting me like 2 year ago iwouldnt have cried myself to sleep. But now atleat 3 times a week iccry myself to sleep. Only time i dont is when im extremelly tir3d and go to sleep straigt away. Struggling to sleep, some nights ill sit till like 4 in the morning crying and thinking of him.

lossing all my motivation to do things like dont like going to school no morr, no motivation to do the work or revise. I work in a retail store on the tills and thought it would help take my mind of things for a few hours but its so hard seeing men with with little kids and all or people talking about father day and all. Just have to stand there and smile because im working.

 

[The Girl]

The grief does end up coming out at some time or another.  Processing something that life changing at 9 years old does seem like an unreasonable request.  So I guess one could say no wonder it's hitting you harder now, but it seems to be hitting you exceptionally hard.  Everyone is different in their grieving process, so it could start to subside after awhile, or it could be what's called complicated grief.  For complicated grief you'll want to talk to a licensed therapist.  Your family would never have to know, and the therapist could guide you through the steps needed to overcome complicated grief.  Unfortunately, seeing a professional seems to be the golden rule for that.  

Whatever grief you have, it does always seem to get worse before it gets better.  This could be your rock bottom.  The crying at night may end up helping you heal.  

Depression is tough b/c it does steal your motivation to do the things that could have potential to pull you out of it. 

I'm sorry you're being faced with people with their fathers.  They'll go through it too eventually.  I don't know how people deal with that though.  

[jordan-]

I cant do it any more , i give upp soooo much. I miss him like hell and i cant get it out of my mind. 

Get myself in a state every night , cry so much find it hard to breath and have asthma so it makes it worse. 

I dont want to be here, i wish i could swap places with him...

[KMB]

jordan- I was just reading your posts and my heart goes out to you. I'm not a professional by any means, but I feel you are having delayed complicated grieving. A family member, like your mom, should have gotten you into a grief counselor or therapist after your father passed away. You were only 9 at the time and maybe you didn't get the loving support you needed then. Even though you are 17, I feel you are old enough to seek counseling out for yourself now. Talk to your mom about your feelings or someone else you feel you can trust so someone can help you getting the right kind of help. Maybe the pastor at your church? If you don't get the right kind of support now, it is going to impact you the rest of your life. Do it for yourself. Do it for your dad. He would want you to have a happiness and be well adjusted so you can be a great father yourself someday.   (HUGS)

[jordan-]

No one talks about him, i dont want to talk to anyone about it , dont trust anyone not even my family.... 

feel so embarrassed and all i do is cry when i think of him. 

I cant start conuselling because mum will find out , shes so over protective and always asks where i am , what im doing and stuff. Dont go to church either. 

The pain keeps grtting worse and Im scared... incase it gets to a point where i do somethinf stupid, i cant cope no more its killin me....

 

[CatTH63]

Hi Jordan,
 I'm so sorry hun for what you're going through. I know you've mentioned the songs quite a few times so far. I know that sometimes when I get to thinking about my Mom and I'm still doing okay, I decide to listen to certain songs and it just makes me feel so much worse. I know now that there are just some things that I have to avoid so that I don't make it worse for myself. If a song comes on randomly it's okay and I like to pretend it's her trying to tell me it's okay. 

As far as people to talk to, maybe your cousin really could keep things between the two of you? At the risk of her speaking to her mom - sometimes it's okay for people to think what they want. People are who they are and we cannot change them, we can only change the way that we look at them and think of them. It doesn't mean that we don't have to like them anymore it just means that sometimes it's better to accept them and move on, if that makes sense? Why should the way they may feel or think about something come in the way of you feeling better? Perhaps one day you could have a son of your own and I'm sure your father would love to see you take him bowling and go do all sorts of fun things together and remember him fondly and honor him in that way, by not only being a great father but an even better one? 

You said you miss horseback riding, I can empathize with you on having trouble enjoying it again. Did you have your own horse? Go to a stable? What was your favorite horse to ride, and what did you enjoy riding? Trails? Western? English? Did you have any big horse dreams? 

[KMB]

jordan-, I'm so sorry for how your are feeling. You need to reach out to someone and get the right kind of help. If your mom really loves and cares for you, she should see, understand, and want you to get help .All you can do is try talking to her, explain your feelings. She might surprise you in wanting to help. Please, give it a try. You cannot give up and there are so many resources out there.  (HUGS)

[jordan-]

I cant , i dont want my family to know... jut dont no what to do no more, i give up sooo much... i want to be happy again, i just want my dad back...

[The Girl]

If you seek out a counselor then they're obligated by law not to disclose anything, so as long as you paid per visit and didn't use your mom's insurance then she wouldn't ever have to know.  You could say you have to do inventory at work for an hour every week.  You could even schedule your sessions so that they fall on work days, giving your mom nothing to suspect.  

You could also call a crisis line.  They're free to call and know what they're doing.

What I always told my mom, and how I've always treated any suicidal feelings myself, was that if you just plan on dying anyway, then why not see if something helps.  Usually there's options out there that we didn't even know about until we started looking.  

Has anything changed in the past week for you?