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Does anyone feel guilty about giving up on their parent with cancer?


DDT

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My dad could leave us any day now. I want to visit him but I also don't, Our last visit just a few weeks ago was great. He was able to walk, eat and he watched cartoons with my son and they were really in the moment laughing and talking as if there was nothing else going on in the world. Now his health has deteriorated quickly. He can't sit up or walk. He sleeps 18 hours a day, can barely talk and the Dr said he is too weak to continue treatments. I feel horrible for not going to see him. He lives 300 miles away. We talk nearly every day on the phone about the weather and what my son is doing. I just can't bring myself to go see him. It feels like I've given up on him when he would never give up on me. This is too much.

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DDT, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I went through this with my mum but I was taking care of her at home doing hospice. Nothing in life is harder or prepares us for the inevitable. It's heartbreaking but please know we are here. I dreaded having to watch those final moments but I'm so glad I was with her, I think I would've regretted otherwise. Do what feels right for you. Please know you're not alone.

Lisa x 

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Dear DDT,

I'm so sorry. I know this is not an easy decision. And we all have do what is right for ourselves. For me, I deeply regret not being with my dad in that final moment holding his hand and telling him I loved him. I know the pain is deep and watching someone take their last breath is very hard. But I feel like our parents deserve to have someone holding their hands because they held our hands when we were small.

It is shocking and traumatic to see our once healthy parents in that condition. But I still wish I had not left my dad's side that day. I could see how weak he was but thought we had more time but we didn't. This is a common regret with so many children.

I know its tough. I think I was in denial about my own father's death. I still am 7 months later.

Take care and please know we are all here for you.

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My dad is 250 miles away in a different city. My mom is with him. My brother and his family are with him. Right now they are preparing to take dad to the hospital. Mom said he hurt this morning and he was unable to swallow a tylenol. I think I should get going and drive there. It will take 4 hours. I also feel that staying home and waiting for the hospital to check him is best. Then I won't be thinking all the way there 'I need to get there before he dies'.

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AdultOrphan88

Hi DDT. I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. In the last year, I lost my mom also to cancer. In a way, I can relate to grappling with this "giving up" feeling. During her last few weeks, I had already started to mourn her, as did her friends and family around her. It meant we knew what was going to happen, but there was a lot of chaos in having to anxiously await the inevitable.  I also made a difficult decision to not go see her at the hospital the day that she passed. While I am sad that I did not get to say goodbye or have an intentional final moment, I know that for a number of reasons, I was not able go there that day and that for my grieving, it was the best decision, though a difficult one. I did not feel that this was giving up on my mom, but rather taking care of myself in a very difficult moment. I feel sadness over not having those last moments, but not guilt or regret. 

We all approach these difficult situations in different ways and in different capacities. If being there in their last moments is what will be very good for you, then you should make the effort, but if you also feel that being home and waiting is the right approach, then you should do what is best for you in coping with this very difficult time. Either way, it does not change how much you love and care about your dad. 

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Thank you to everyone for sharing your experience and perception. It is reassuring and comforting. Thank you, this helps with coping when thoughts start to run-a-way.

 

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