9 Weeks Today

[Bambi88]

It's been nine weeks today since I lost my loving husband. Still feels weird even writing that he's passed. He took his own life and its all been a mix of shock and constant sadness. I never saw it coming. He was always so full of love and laughter. I always felt like he was the one carrying me.

I can't even begin to describe the horror of finding a note coming home from work, thinking it couldn't be real...going into his little den and finding more notes and a letter.

The first note he left was on the shoe rack and I saw it right away when I got in. He let me know where to find him and so after checking his den and the house to see if this was all a bad joke, I left in panic to search for him at the park he said he would be close to.

I didn't find him. I'm glad I didn't.

I went to a friend's place in the area and just knocked on her door and started bawling as I held this stupid post it note. She phoned the police and everything else was like a movie, like it was not happening to me but around me. I remember being so cold and couldn't stop shaking.

It feels like I'm going through a death and a divorce at the same time. 

It's like he chose to leave me. I now know he was suffering with mental illness and was bipolar. He wasn't thinking clearly. He hasn't taken medication since he was a teen so all of these years it was going untreated.

He was the kind of person that brought people together, was silly and was a good friend to everyone-especially those who really needed one.

This is such a morbid story.

Reading other peoples experiences makes me feel less alone.

I've had lots of support from old friends and new friends along with family but no one really understands what it's like to lose a spouse so young in life. I'm only 28 and he was only 23. This Sunday the 14th would have been our one year wedding anniversary, so this week is an especially hard one for me. We have known each other for years but got reconnected in 2014 and have been together since.

I started going back to work this month and it helps keep me busy and it helps get me slowly back on track...trying to gain some independence since I'll be the one who will be taking care of myself now, but I feel like it's true when people say you never really move on from this but we end up having to learn how to live and cope and hopefully pray that we can find some comfort and joy along the way-and when we do, relish it because it feels like there's more sadness then happiness right now.

Some days are better then others but as each day passes, it shows to me that I am able to make it through another day...and that gives me hope I can endure.

Despite all this, I do feel the love of God and of the ones in the congregation who have helped me since day one from taking me to appointments and making meals for me every day for 2 weeks and for that I am grateful. I've made some new friends and I appreciate the old friends who has stuck by me. And I don't think twice about the ones who hasn't.

I've kept myself busy by spending time with friends, trying to do things I normally would enjoy like going for hikes and watching movies, eating out at my favorite places and doing some retail therapy. I've also been seeing a counselor. At moments when I feel happy, I remember him and how he should be here enjoying this with me and that makes me sad.

Some days I cry and some days I don't. People say the pain will lessen in time. I hope they are right. I'm just afraid I will never truly experience joy again since it feels like there is this cloud of sadness following me.

[M88]

Bambi, I am so deeply sorry for your loss.  I can only imagine how traumatic the manner of your dear husbands death, has been, and my heart aches for you. He sounds like a genuine,  lovely man who would not have chosen to leave you if he had been thinking clearly. I am glad you found this forum as we all here understand the torturous pain of losing our 'other half' - the partners we chose and wanted to spend our lives with.  

The telling and retelling of our story and reading of other peoples stories are important to our healing as they give us compassion, understanding and strength to travel this unwanted path of grief.  It can be a twisted, uneven path of three steps forward, two or sometimes three steps backwards, at times.  On this forum we can be thankful for one or two longer term posters who very caringly, generously, share with us their own experiences and wisdom. 

Taking life one day at a time, sometimes even just one hour at a time, is the key to getting through each day.  We often have to work hard at this.  A lot of us here are still in survival mode.  It's good to know you have supportive friends and family.  I admire your spirit of not thinking twice about the people who haven't supported you.  I was a slow learner in this regard, and it's taken its toll on me.  

I hope you will find comfort and support amongst us. 

Sending strength and hugs to you, Bambi.

[Andy]

10 hours ago, Bambi88 said:

It's been nine weeks today since I lost my loving husband. Still feels weird even writing that he's passed. He took his own life and its all been a mix of shock and constant sadness. I never saw it coming. He was always so full of love and laughter. I always felt like he was the one carrying me.

I can't even begin to describe the horror of finding a note coming home from work, thinking it couldn't be real...going into his little den and finding more notes and a letter.

The first note he left was on the shoe rack and I saw it right away when I got in. He let me know where to find him and so after checking his den and the house to see if this was all a bad joke, I left in panic to search for him at the park he said he would be close to.

I didn't find him. I'm glad I didn't.

I went to a friend's place in the area and just knocked on her door and started bawling as I held this stupid post it note. She phoned the police and everything else was like a movie, like it was not happening to me but around me. I remember being so cold and couldn't stop shaking.

It feels like I'm going through a death and a divorce at the same time. 

It's like he chose to leave me. I now know he was suffering with mental illness and was bipolar. He wasn't thinking clearly. He hasn't taken medication since he was a teen so all of these years it was going untreated.

He was the kind of person that brought people together, was silly and was a good friend to everyone-especially those who really needed one.

This is such a morbid story.

Reading other peoples experiences makes me feel less alone.

I've had lots of support from old friends and new friends along with family but no one really understands what it's like to lose a spouse so young in life. I'm only 28 and he was only 23. This Sunday the 14th would have been our one year wedding anniversary, so this week is an especially hard one for me. We have known each other for years but got reconnected in 2014 and have been together since.

I started going back to work this month and it helps keep me busy and it helps get me slowly back on track...trying to gain some independence since I'll be the one who will be taking care of myself now, but I feel like it's true when people say you never really move on from this but we end up having to learn how to live and cope and hopefully pray that we can find some comfort and joy along the way-and when we do, relish it because it feels like there's more sadness then happiness right now.

Some days are better then others but as each day passes, it shows to me that I am able to make it through another day...and that gives me hope I can endure.

Despite all this, I do feel the love of God and of the ones in the congregation who have helped me since day one from taking me to appointments and making meals for me every day for 2 weeks and for that I am grateful. I've made some new friends and I appreciate the old friends who has stuck by me. And I don't think twice about the ones who hasn't.

I've kept myself busy by spending time with friends, trying to do things I normally would enjoy like going for hikes and watching movies, eating out at my favorite places and doing some retail therapy. I've also been seeing a counselor. At moments when I feel happy, I remember him and how he should be here enjoying this with me and that makes me sad.

Some days I cry and some days I don't. People say the pain will lessen in time. I hope they are right. I'm just afraid I will never truly experience joy again since it feels like there is this cloud of sadness following me.

Bambi88, I'm so sorry, your loss, the manner of his passing, the grief you now endure, all of it. As you know by now, time won't heal all wounds, but it does allow for coping and acceptance, whatever that means for us individually. 

The illness your husband suffered from is all too familiar. I understand it just about as much as one can without personally feeling its effect. I know it's power, it's insidious nature to convince ones self of life's "hopelessness", so rip away all the joy and happiness from life, to put relationships in jeopardy, to cycle from a high of pleasure and then near instantly drop to a low of depressed self loathing. Moods, outlook, behavior, everything is affected, and without treatment and carefully monitored medication, it's an impossible scenario. My heart goes out to him, and to you. His "demons" were his to face, but you loved him, and that's really the best any of us can do. It's ultimately up to them to seek and accept help.  Sometimes, the illness is just too much. 

Right now, yes, there will be more sadness than happiness. I'm moving into month five since my wife passed, and regardless of who I'm with or what I'm doing, there's a constant undercurrent of sadness. It never goes away, it's always there, coloring everything. I hope it'll fade with time, but I'm not very hopeful. Staying busy, doing things you enjoy, those are great tools for getting us through these days, so I encourage you to keep at it. You're so young, far too young to know how this feels, again, my heart goes out to you. The dad in me sends you a great big "daddy" hug, and I'm gently telling you, "it's going to be okay". I've done the same with my daughter, it's really all I can do.

Bambi, cry, yell, curse, sob buckets of tears, reach out, spend some time alone, seek the love of family, the counsel of strangers, do what you feel is necessary, this is your journey, your loss, you world. Just keep taking care of yourself, that's the only "rule". Post here as you see fit, reach out, pm or in your personal life, you aren't alone. 

Peace and comfort,

Andy 

[KayC]

Bambi,

I am so sorry, I don't know of anything harder than to lose your spouse in this way.  He left you notes, he was thinking of you, I don't think it's so much that he chose to be away from you as he chose to be away from his anguish, I'm sorry he didn't choose to see a specialist that could help him instead.  You are now paying the price, and it's hard.  it sounds like you went into shock at first (cold, shaking), that's not surprising.  

Everything you are feeling is normal, even when you feel conflicting emotions at once, they are all valid.  This is a good place to express yourself, we're here for you.  I'm glad your church is there for you.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/11/surviving-spouses-suicide.html 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/grief-support-for-survivors-of-suicide.html 

 

[Bambi88]

12 hours ago, KayC said:

He left you notes, he was thinking of you, I don't think it's so much that he chose to be away from you as he chose to be away from his anguish

Hi KayC, thank you for your insightful words. It's hard not to feel abandoned, I don't think I'll ever understand why he made that choice...what was his tipping point exactly. And even if I did it wouldn't ease the pain since it doesn't change the fact that he's not here with me. I know he loved me dearly and that his choice would of been a hard one to make. 

Also, I appreciate you giving me these links. I will take a look at them.

[Bambi88]

14 hours ago, Andy said:

I'm moving into month five since my wife passed, and regardless of who I'm with or what I'm doing, there's a constant undercurrent of sadness. It never goes away, it's always there, coloring everything

Thank you for your kindness Andy. I'm sorry about your wife too. I never knew how devastating death really is until I've experienced it myself. I wish no one ever had to go through it. Sadness is so pervasive right now and it's hard to see past it to a time where there won't be a lump in my throat or pain in my chest when I think about anniversaries and holidays. I came home from work today and cried for two hours. My family has planned a dinner tomorrow and I don't know how to say I just want to be alone on what was supposed to be our one year anniversary. I just don't have the desire or energy to be around anyone.

I hope you find peace in your heart one day and if you find it, let me know so I can have hope that I will be okay too.

[Bambi88]

21 hours ago, M88 said:

 I admire your spirit of not thinking twice about the people who haven't supported you.  I was a slow learner in this regard, and it's taken its toll on me.  

Hi M88, thank you for your kind words. I'm sorry you had to go though a sudden death as well. No one is every ready to lose a loved one but there's this different kind of loss when someone is taken from you unexpectedly and suddenly.

I had a few good friends but they were more of just social type friends who would hang out to do things, the only person I was close to other then my husband who I have known for years stopped being a friend when she started treating my husband poorly, so all I had was my husband as he became my best friend and my only close friend. My life revolved around him in so many ways and I enjoyed it that way. But since he's passed I've made some surprising close friends I never thought I'd be spending time with. My husband was the one who everyone loved and he knew so many people so we were always invited out to do things because of him and I just tagged along.

It's hard to fight the urge to just give up and seclude myself, so I'm just going through the motions of trying to be social and hoping that one day I will actually enjoy myself.

I hope that you have the support you need and friends who truly care.

[Andy]

1 hour ago, Bambi88 said:

Thank you for your kindness Andy. I'm sorry about your wife too. I never knew how devastating death really is until I've experienced it myself. I wish no one ever had to go through it. Sadness is so pervasive right now and it's hard to see past it to a time where there won't be a lump in my throat or pain in my chest when I think about anniversaries and holidays. I came home from work today and cried for two hours. My family has planned a dinner tomorrow and I don't know how to say I just want to be alone on what was supposed to be our one year anniversary. I just don't have the desire or energy to be around anyone.

I hope you find peace in your heart one day and if you find it, let me know so I can have hope that I will be okay too.

Bambi, it's okay to be alone, especially on days like this one. I'd rather be alone, but I'll be with my daughter, it's where I'm needed. 

Peace will come, for you and I. I really couldn't say when or how. It will though. Not the life we wanted or ever imagined, but it's what we're left with, we will the best we can. I think the sadness will always be a part of who we are, my hope is that I'll more or less control it rather than it directing me. My loss can never be undone, so it's acceptable to assume that my sorrow can't either. Again, it's okay, it'll have to be, what else am I to do? Carry on the best I can. I visited my wife's grave (insanity to even think that) yesterday evening. It was so difficult. I didn't know what to say, or where I was headed. I just arrived. I talked and then I left. It's part of life now, in all it's unfair cruelty, it's miserable indifference, it looks upon me and says...nothing. I feel so alone. However, I have taken hold of the idea of possibilities and I refuse to let go. 

Love, strength and hope,

Andy

[KMB]

Bambi88, I am deeply sorry for your loss. I have no words of consolation that will take away your pain. I wish I did. The pain of loss we will learn to carry with us the rest of our life.it is a heavy load for our heart to carry, but we do it out of love.

Please keep posting to this forum. We are great at listening and giving what words of solace and encouragement that we can. By giving to others here, we are also helping ourselves through this unwelcome world of loss.  (HUGS)

[KayC]

10 hours ago, Bambi88 said:

And even if I did it wouldn't ease the pain since it doesn't change the fact that he's not here with me. 

I know, that's true.  I guess the same can be said for those of us whose partner did things that took them from us like eating sugar when they're diabetic, or smoking, or drinking/doing drugs.  Those things took them from us and we have to go on without them.  But in most cases they didn't purposely set out to abandon us, they were caught up in their own struggles.  

(((hugs)))

[Eagle-96]

On 5/13/2017 at 10:52 PM, Bambi88 said:

My family has planned a dinner tomorrow and I don't know how to say I just want to be alone on what was supposed to be our one year anniversary. I just don't have the desire or energy to be around anyone.

These events are hard. We see everyone going on with THEIR lives while at the same time we have our lives turned upside down. Your family can't understand your grief unless you tell them. Unless they have lost a spouse they cannot fathom the depths of your despair. Just be honest when you talk to them. Let them know that you appreciate their efforts to plan a dinner, party, talk on the phone, etc... But be clear that while you appreciate their support that sometimes you just want to be alone in your thoughts. The thing we have to remember is that they don't know your pain.They don't know that sometimes you just need to be alone with your memories. That we just need to talk to our spouse. That we need to just cry and look at pictures. I never truly knew the pain of losing a spouse that others went through before April 1st. I always thought I was being helpful or encouraging. The sad truth is that nobody knows our pain except us.

I encourage you to visit the website stanleysessions.com which is a photography/survivor story project that tells the stories of those that have endured the suicide of loved ones as well as stories of those that have survived their own suicide attempts. 

 

My prayers are with you to find your way on this journey.

[Francine]

On 5/12/2017 at 9:55 PM, Bambi88 said:

Some days are better then others but as each day passes, it shows to me that I am able to make it through another day...and that gives me hope I can endure.

Despite all this, I do feel the love of God and of the ones in the congregation who have helped me since day one from taking me to appointments and making meals for me every day for 2 weeks and for that I am grateful. I've made some new friends and I appreciate the old friends who has stuck by me. And I don't think twice about the ones who hasn't.

I've kept myself busy by spending time with friends, trying to do things I normally would enjoy like going for hikes and watching movies, eating out at my favorite places and doing some retail therapy. I've also been seeing a counselor. At moments when I feel happy, I remember him and how he should be here enjoying this with me and that makes me sad.

Some days I cry and some days I don't. People say the pain will lessen in time. I hope they are right. I'm just afraid I will never truly experience joy again since it feels like there is this cloud of sadness following me

I'm sorry for your loss and know the pain you must be experiencing.   People who die by suicide don't want to end their lives, they want to end their pain. I'm sorry your husband felt the need to take is own life and was not able to get the help he so desperately needed.  I am so happy to know your faith has not faltered and that the congregation is there for you during this difficult time.  If God answers your prayers, HE is increasing your faith; if HE delays HE is increasing your patience; if HE doesn't answer, HE has something better in store for you.

It appears you are doing all the right things (hiking; movies; restaurants; spending time with friends) etc. to help you in your healing; seeing a grief counselor has been a good thing for me as well and I would strongly recommend others to try it.  Happy memories are always good to have to bring you joy, but there may be situations when you may just loose it all together.  When those times come, let them have their due; they will go away.   When you need to cry; cry; it's not only good for healing, sometimes a good cry is just what you need to release all the hurt you have built up inside.  I hear the same line that - *the pain will lessen in time* - I don't know, I'm not there yet.  As far as joy is concerned, I don't think I'll every experience *joy* again - and that's OK.  I'm trying to get to mediocre or perhaps so-so.  I figure like this - I entered this world alone; I'll leave this world alone; and since my Charles is no longer with me, it's better for me to be alone - sounds gloom and doom, but that's where I'm at right now.

Stay in the mind set you are in and that 'cloud of sadness' won't be with you much longer. Everything eventually heals; your body heals; your heart heals; your mind heals; your soul repairs itself; in time your happiness will come back.    God Bless you and keep you, keep us all, safe.

[Bambi88]

On ‎5‎/‎17‎/‎2017 at 10:16 AM, Eagle-96 said:

I encourage you to visit the website stanleysessions.com which is a photography/survivor story project that tells the stories of those that have endured the suicide of loved ones as well as stories of those that have survived their own suicide attempts. 

Thank you for the link. It's really helpful. I read a few stories which gave me some insight on how others continue to cope.

I ended up staying behind that day and never left my room. I got messages from some friends saying they were thinking about me which I appreciated.

I just got back from a little trip to San Francisco. My sister and brother in law took me on their trip. It was their anniversary that week and we stayed with some friends. I had a good time but it's the same feeling that every time I experience some sort of joy I immediately wish my husband was there too because he would of loved it. When I feel like I'm starting to cope a bit better and the sadness has lessened, I realize I'm no where near being ok because when I try to talk to people about it and tears just start flowing. Grief really does feel isolating. But I'm still hopeful I can experience joy in life from the little moments I do feel happy.

I'm also sorry about your loss. I know it's something we've all heard a million times but I've come to realize it's also important that people still acknowledge the pain we go through even after time passes because it will always be there. Thank you for your kindness.

[Bambi88]

On ‎5‎/‎17‎/‎2017 at 4:46 PM, Francine said:

Stay in the mind set you are in and that 'cloud of sadness' won't be with you much longer. Everything eventually heals; your body heals; your heart heals; your mind heals; your soul repairs itself; in time your happiness will come back.    God Bless you and keep you, keep us all, safe.

Thank you. I keep reminding myself that he didn't leave me but that it was the pain he was going through is what he wanted to leave. I know he loved me but it's just hard to be the one left behind.

I hope you'll be okay too. I know how lonely it feels and it really isn't something anyone is able to understand and carry the burden for you. Often the thought crosses my mind that I wish I was automatically taken along with my husband because my quality of life I have from now is really just diminished, but I also value the gift of life and I DO want to live-not die, but I just don't want to experience pain anymore. I keep thinking about others who have lost their mate and when I see them go on after years of being on their own, it gives me hope I can pull myself together and make use of the time I have here. I don't blame myself or God or anyone else for not being able to prevent this from happening. I believe I have been given the strength to carry on and if I'm able to do it up till now, I can do it for the next day and the day after. We all deserve some happiness in our lives so I pray you will get some your way :) 

[Shadow10]

 I am so glad to hear somebody thank God for their life I know we have all suffered a great loss but God has gave us the gift of life and we all must go on believing in him even in the dark of days the worst of fear God will pull us through god bless you shadow 10

[KayC]

Bambi,

I am glad you receive strength from God, I know it is hard to continue in face of our loss.  I know there are organizations that exist for survivors of suicide (family/friends of), you might want to check into that as well, and there is a section on this forum on suicide as well.  Darrel (he used to be on this site) always signed off "one foot in front of the other" and I guess that's what we keep doing...