Husband Comparing My Reactions to My Dad

[Pinkiu]

This is my first post. My mom died two weeks ago. She had strokes 3.5 years ago that ended her ability to live with dad. She spent these years in the nursing wing of their retirement community. Dad lives in his own beautiful apartment there. Every day, dad took mom in her wheelchair to events, on his work route delivering mail and packages and as often as possible to their apartment. She was quite young to end up in nursing care compared to most people there by 15 years. 

My dad severely grieved the loss of their retirement years the way they planned. Instead of traveling around the country, he walked the halls with her. He declined in his mental health in such a way that we had to hospitalize him numerous times. He improved but has stayed in a negative place these years.

Mom died 2 weeks ago from complications from an illness that spiraled into renal failure. You all know how numb these first weeks are, how emotions go up and down, how you think and wonder about things. 

My husband has been supportive in physical things. For instance, he's driven my dad to appointments, been with me as we held vigil Mom's last 5 days once we received the news to call in hospice, helping clean out her room, etc. But when it comes to emotional support, he lacks in such a way that I just want to avoid him now for fear that I'll say something and he'll compare me to my dad - my depressive dad who says and does things to gain sympathy.

This has happened twice this week and it angers me and makes me angry at him. I just LOST MY  MOM! Last night, I shared how I had thoughts driving to work that if mom had a choice to leave this world if my dad would get better, that it might be something she would want. I don't know if this is true or not, but it's a thought I had and shared it. My husband immediately told me how this wasn't my mom and that now I'm acting like my dad. I couldn't make the connection he was implying about my dad. I wasn't saying something or doing something to gain sympathy or acting depressive. I made a statement of something I thought of. He made a good argument that it wasn't like her to think those things and I said, "Why couldn't you have just disagreed with me and stated what you just said without comparing me to dad?" He knows it's a hot button for me.

As I write this, I realize that it doesn't sound like a big deal, but if you knew how incredibly difficult my dad has been and his pain these past 3 years, you'd understand why I don't want to be compared to him with his depression. I know I'm sad. I don't know what to do now. If I tell my husband I'm mad at him for how he's responding to me, he will tell me he'll do better, but he won't. I don't know how to navigate being so sad about losing my  mom and being so mad that my husband can't be there for me emotionally.

I don't have close friends here to go and do things with. My close friends live in another state and are friends with my husband too. I don't want to share these things with family and mutual friends because I don't want them to think badly of my husband. And I can't go to my church since my husband is in leadership. I feel really isolated emotionally.

[Butterfly2017]

Hi Pinkiu,

I lost my Mom 3 weeks ago unexpectedly so I am so sorry for what you are going through. Right now I am struggling as got tge coroners report today but I just wanted to say I am here and I thatheard you. Others here will too. Take care of you..

[reader]

Dear Pinkiu,

My deepest sympathies and condolences on the passing of your beloved mom. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know you've been through so much. Losing a parent is a terrible shock. And to see your dad suffer too with losing his wife and friend is also very difficult. It was only natural and normal for him to be depressed over the lost of what he thought retirement would be, but he stayed true to her.

Emotional support is critical after such a devastating loss. I read your other posts and its true. In the beginning there are so many arrangements to be made that in way we put aside our thoughts and feelings. Almost 7 months after my dad passed away, I still struggle with it. I can't accept it. I have a lot of anger to work through still. There are no quick fixes sadly. But I find these websites very helpful What's Your Grief and The Grief Healing Blog.

Please know you are not alone. We are all here to listen and support you in anyway we can.

Thinking of you. Sending you all my thoughts and prayers.