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I'm not sure hwo to go on


cp9042

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I thought I was getting a little better after my husband's death in February.  I have gone back to work, have gone out with my girlfriend a couple of times.  I have even given some of my husband's things to Goodwill.  But this weekend I started feeling an overwhelming sense of loss all over again.  It felt like it had just happened, and I cried for over an hour.  I don't know what triggered it, but it seems like I can't find a path to happiness.  I am so sad all the time, and I am not sure how to go on.

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cp9042, Constant sadness goes with the territory. Sometimes we think we are handling this ok and then come the bad days. We relive the day of loss over again and it sends us flat on the ground again. All we can do is keep picking ourselves up and try again. You are less than 3 months in. It gets bad, worse and everything in between for some time. It is comparable to a roller coaster ride.You will find your path on this journey. It takes time and patience. I have faith in you! You will be able to do this. Keep posting.   (HUGS)

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Sylvia GM

Dear cp9042, it's like a wave...high and low. My husband passed away last December and especially nearer the date of his passing I just cry even at the slightest thing that reminds me of him. Cry as much as you want. I got a lot of consolations reading this site knowing I'm not alone. Continue to share how you feel, everyone here are my counselors. Lots of hugs to you. 

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Keep posting - great advice that, KMB.  The more you post the more comfort you will feel. 

Cp. from my experience you are in the worst timeframe on your grief journey.  Post and we will be here for you.

Sending strength, love and hugs.

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CP9042,

As Sylvia says, it is in waves, desolation, then feeling we'll make it after all, up and down, up and down, such is the roller coaster of grief.  I've learned not to fight it but to embrace it, I let it carry me where it will, I feel the pain, I fight for hope, I look for joy, I continue...

You're in my thoughts today and I pray it goes better for you.  The tears are a release.

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3 hours ago, cp9042 said:

I thought I was getting a little better after my husband's death in February.  I have gone back to work, have gone out with my girlfriend a couple of times.  I have even given some of my husband's things to Goodwill.  But this weekend I started feeling an overwhelming sense of loss all over again.  It felt like it had just happened, and I cried for over an hour.  I don't know what triggered it, but it seems like I can't find a path to happiness.  I am so sad all the time, and I am not sure how to go on.

I feel you.  That's exactly what grief does to us - when we sometimes think we have a grip on this and things seems to be moving slowly in the right direction, grief raises its ugly head and pulls you back down.  It's almost as if grief is saying "Oh no you don't - where the hell do you think you're doing or going - I'm not finished with you yet".  And it comes out of nowhere and with a vengeance leaving you to wonder there did this come from.  Know that it is normal.  KMB is spot on in her post; it does take time and patience.  Each person's grief has its own fingerprint.  Every journey of sorrow has a unique map.  Your heart will heal on its own timetable.  How much time it will take, no one can say but whatever it takes; don't rush it; let it run its course.   Sometimes it takes an overwhelming breakdown to have an undeniable breakthrough.

You go on because your joy is greater; your heart is fuller, your love is deeper; your hope is broader; your life is richer; and your faith is stronger because your husband was a part of your life.  Yes, his body is gone but the essence of his being was not his body - it was only a shell that housed him while he was here.  What he is and what we all are are spirits - from God; and when we leave this earth, our spirits return from whence they came - to God.  That is no other place we would ever want to be.  Be strong and know that God loves you and only wants the best for you, for us all.

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Numb and Lost

It's been 5 months for me and it's getting worse. I don't have suicidal thoughts but I do have thoughts of just wanting it to be over. I feel there is truly no hope for me. It's a very complicated situation, but my grief gets more painful every day while I also have other problems that I am in too much pain to even describe. Any strength I had has just left and I don't know how to go on. I don't know how I even have any tears left to cry. What do you do when there is nothing that can be done? I don't even know what to say anymore or how to express myself. I just feel so nauseated and helpless. 

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Hello Numb and Lost. A couple of ideas. You may want to have an appointment with your physician to rule out any underlying medical issues. There is a very high increase in the risk of developing an illness in the first year after the death of a spouse. If everything checks out and your physician understands your symptoms, a referral to an experienced psychologist may be in order.

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Hi Numb and Lost, I truly am sorry you contine having such a rough time. It sux, I know.  To survive this journey we need plenty of self-care, which involves rest - even if not sleeping, escape ruminating on persistent thoughts for a little while by listening to music or meditation vids.  

We need nutrients to help our bodies and minds to cope with the trauma.  Even if only grazing on what I call superfoods - tubs of your favourite soft cheeses and hummus in the fridge, soups, an egg, fish, cheese, salads, a plate of your favourite leafy greens, or a bacon sandwich - bacon is a vegetable in our family.  Anything thats nutritious, quick to prepare and easily digested.  I also take extra vitamins and berocca each day.  Falling ill whilst grieving doesn't bear thinking about. 

Sorry, I can't recall if you've had any counselling?  Would you consider having some?  It can be very helpful. 

I hope tomorrow will be a little easier for you.  Keep coming back and posting.  

Sending strength and hugs X

 

 

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Cp, thinking of you too and hoping you getting through the days as best as you can.

Sending strength and hugs X

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Numb and Lost...a professional grief counselor and a physical would be the place to start.  Ron mentioned SAMe (herbal supplement) and that's a great idea, I've been on it for two years and have found it to elevate my mood considerably.  I told my doctor when I started taking it and she thought it was a good thing.  But you really need some professional help since you seem "stuck".  As Marty suggested, Al-Anon meetings would be helpful too.  I know your husband is alcoholic and that has got to be hard to live with not only for you, but for your kids...you might consider separation unless/until he gets help.  Again, a professional would be of the utmost help in recommendations of intervention.  The marriage can't improve until his alcoholism is dealt with and you can't change him, he has to want help.  Protecting my kids would be of my first sense of urgency, I grew up with an alcoholic father and a mental mother and my first concern is always the kids because it's tough, they need an advocate and a protector.

If you don't feel you can support yourself and your children, that might also be a first consideration...a trip to a guidance counselor of your local college to see about getting enrolled.  A trip to Health and Human Services to see what helps might be available.  Don't do nothing, get started, do something to change your situation!  It's not only grief you are dealing with, it is a compound issue!  All the more reason to get help asap!

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/seeing-specialist-in-grief-counseling.html

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Numb and Lost, I agree with KayC. From reading your posts, you seem to be stuck in your grieving and your home situation is keeping you mired down also. You have a lot on your plate and you need to get started on a plan to help yourself and your kids. Your grieving is always going to be underneath the surface. In the mean time, you have children and a life that needs to be lived in the present moment.   Please start taking care of yourself and in charge of what blessings you still have.  (HUGS)

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Numb and Lost

As down and hopeless as I am I don't let it affect my caring for my kids. I don't let it affect my job and I don't depend on my husband for any monetary support. I am careful to put too much on here just in case someone I know ever stumbles upon this forum and figures out its me, but my husband's addiction behaviors are different than anyone I've ever seen and his counselors have even told me the same. Like I said I can't really go into detail. I doubt anyone I know will ever be on here but I guess you never know. I haven't been crying as much the past few days, I just feel that same feeling that things are pointless. Loving my kids of course will never be pointless, but things like fixing myself up, wearing a pretty dress, fixing my house up. Not that I sit around and am I slob or anything lol, I just feel like it doesn't matter if I wear something really nice. With everything I did he was in the back of my mind all the time, and I was always looking forward to when I would talk to him or see him. Now what? Even places that have nothing to do with him make me depressed simply because I have memories being there myself at a time when he was still alive. Or maybe I had just seen him and went to a place the next day, being at that place hurts. I just can't get over it at all. It's  like I've said time and time again though it is the unresolved business that makes it worse. It would be terrible still if I had known but at least I could have said things I needed to say, seen him, and said goodbye. I was looking forward to seeing him for 2 months and now I just can't let go of him. I constantly still feel like I'm still just waiting. He made me feel a way that I think some people will never understand, just his smile and being around him. I pray all the time that somehow that feeling can be preserved when I see him again in heaven even if we don't have relationships like that, and obviously even though mine was wrong to begin with. Without that feeling and knowing I'll never have it again it's hard to feel "life."

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Numb and Lost,  My heart goes out to you, it really does. It is a tough situation you are in .I wish, for your sake, that you will strongly consider professional grief counseling. I don't know what you mean by *unresolved business* with the man you lost. You were seeing each other on and off for a long time. A man will not do that unless he truly cared for you. I'm sure he did and I'm sure that he still cares and loves you from Heaven.I feel you really need to work on the acceptance that the relationship was all that it was allowed to be. The two of you crossed each other's path for a time and take from that time the love, memories and keep them in your heart.Have you given thought that deep in your mind you were possibly thinking this man and his love were maybe going to be your savior from your troubled marriage? You seem to feel guilt with this relationship. Please, forgive yourself. For peace of mind and absolution, consider going to your church during confessional time and God will forgive you. He has already forgiven you, but by actual clergy based confession, maybe you'll have that burden lifted.  Peace and comfort be with you.  (HUGS)

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Numb and Lost,

I haven't had anyone to fix myself up for in so long I don't remember what that's like!  Once in a while I do it for "me".  And that has to be enough.  I'm basically a country girl, so my standard attire is jeans and shirt (don't like t-shirts, something prettier).  I'm not a dress up girl, but every once in a while I do, sometimes decorum requires it, like when I go to church because I'm on the platform.  That said, it's been so long since I saw George's gleam in his eye as he beheld me appreciatively...

Have you thought about getting out of this marriage, not only for your sake but for the kids' sakes?  You are raising what will be "Adult Children of Alcoholics", and that can have a profound affect on them...trust me, I know, my dad was an alcoholic.  I still stand by my urging you to see a professional grief counselor.  It seems everything we've suggested you've put up smokescreens and haven't heeded so I honestly don't know what else to say that I haven't already said because you don't seem to take what we say to heart.  We continue to be here, we can listen and care and understand, but only you can DO SOMETHING.  

You have complicated grief, you're dealing with not only grief as we all experience, but the complication of the situation you were in, which hasn't allowed you the acknowledgement from others of your grief, but this is a validation you must give yourself whether others do or not.  You are hampered by feeling your love was "wrong", but did you consider that the essence of love itself comes from God and is beautiful, to be embraced and celebrated, it is only some display of it than can be considered improper, yet even in that, I don't think you should feel bad, you are human.  Besides, you already know you're forgiven, you have cried out to God and He has not only heard you, but understood you and given you the forgiveness you've sought.  He's done more than that, He's heard your heart's cry, He's understood you and wants to carry you.  Do not worry about what all this has done to the relationship you had with this person, it will be pure and perfect in heaven and there will be no more cause for regrets or sorrow!  Whatever we have done wrong in this life will be burned as stubble and all that is left is good in the next.  It gives us something to look forward to!  I don't know the answers as to how all this will work out, there's so much we haven't been told, but I do know the One in whom I trust and He not only is capable, but WILL work it all out for our very best.

What lies before you is to make you and your kids' lives a better one, and you don't need to stay in a hell hole of misery and apprehension.  I'm afraid this man (your husband) has got you tied in knots and oh how I remember how that feels!  I was married to such a one once when I was young, I felt trapped and it really wasn't until I was willing to risk all to leave that I escaped his clutches and that of his addictions.  I do wish you'd see a counselor, you think there's no remedy for your life, but there is, it's just a matter of finding and acting on it.  You have thought your beloved was your escape, but it is YOU that holds the keys to your release.  

I'm sorry if you feel I've been too stern with you, I'm trying to break through, KMB has tried also, oh Numb and Lost, I've been there!

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Numb and Lost

It isn't that I'm putting up screens it's just counseling is one of those things that helps some people which is great, and some people it doesn't. I did see a counselor specialized in grief twice, and it just isn't for me. There aren't any steps I can write down, any categorizing of feelings, or psychotherapy that will help me feel better. I even remember learning those techniques myself in my college psych classes. More or less I think a lot of people it helps due to the fact they can talk about that person as others in society have become uncomfortable hearing about it, but sitting face to face with a stranger discussing it just doesn't help me. I come here I guess just because I can type it all out and rant away and no one sees me or knows me. My friend said "he wasn't the end all be all," well she may think that but in some ways for me he was. I won't feel that again so in that aspect he was the end all, be all. I don't think that is fair for someone to say who hasn't lost someone that meant what he meant to me. I function, clean, work etc. I feel like my purpose in life is just to take care of my kids and try to make sure they have a happy life. Im just going to do that while also being forever sad knowing I'll never see him again and nothing can change or help that. I do appreciate your suggestions though, and I appreciate you all listening very much.  I am glad that counseling has benefited others. The only thing that gives me comfort is the hope of seeing him again in heaven. I will say God and prayer thus far has been my only source of comfort. Sometimes I pray and I feel His peace come over me. 

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Numb and Lost, I'm sorry that you feel grief counseling isn't going to be of help to you. You do have the forum here and you can express yourself whenever you need. We are listening and expressing our concerns, trying our best to be here for you. While it is true that your purpose currently is in raising your children, someday they will be living their own lives. The what will your purpose be? You are very young yet. The future is wide open and very unknown.God has plans for all of us. He will be providing you with a life that has meaning and purpose. He also doesn't want you to be alone without love. Maybe the man you lost was paving the way to show you that as a person, you deserve love, and maybe that love you deserve is in your future. So please, don't be stubborn and keep the blocks up preventing you from the rest of your life. God is always working in your best interests so you can become the person you were meant to  be and He is the one who brings people into our lives to love and learn from.   (HUGS)

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Numb and Lost
7 hours ago, KMB said:

Numb and Lost, I'm sorry that you feel grief counseling isn't going to be of help to you. You do have the forum here and you can express yourself whenever you need. We are listening and expressing our concerns, trying our best to be here for you. While it is true that your purpose currently is in raising your children, someday they will be living their own lives. The what will your purpose be? You are very young yet. The future is wide open and very unknown.God has plans for all of us. He will be providing you with a life that has meaning and purpose. He also doesn't want you to be alone without love. Maybe the man you lost was paving the way to show you that as a person, you deserve love, and maybe that love you deserve is in your future. So please, don't be stubborn and keep the blocks up preventing you from the rest of your life. God is always working in your best interests so you can become the person you were meant to  be and He is the one who brings people into our lives to love and learn from.   (HUGS)

Thank you.  I'm honestly just hoping Jesus comes and gets us all soon. 

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Numb and Lost,

1 hour ago, Numb and Lost said:

 I'm honestly just hoping Jesus comes and gets us all soon. 

Should I be concerned about your wording here?  As much as I believe in my faith that God is here for each and every one of us, I don't think the 2nd coming of Jesus is going to happen any time soon. Everyone has been saying this *2nd coming* for eons and it hasn't happened yet. The 2nd coming isn't going to happen until every single human being on this planet believes. Could be eons more before that actually happens. Just stating my opinion, so please do not let it offend you.

The man you love and lost will be there in Heaven for you to reunite with. If God had meant for the both of you to have a life together, God would have seen that there would not have been an accident. Some people come into our lives for a short time for us to learn something from that time and that person. I hope for your sake, you find that reason in your future and be thankful.  (HUGS)

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13 minutes ago, KMB said:

Should I be concerned about your wording here? 

KMB- I can only repeat my Wednesday post, above, but would change the word psychologist to psychiatrist and add the word quickly.

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I notice the whole part about getting out of the abusive marriage was ignored.  Being married to an alcoholic and walking on eggshells for the kids, that's not something you want to prolong for them even if you don't want to think about yourself.

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Numb and Lost
1 hour ago, KayC said:

I notice the whole part about getting out of the abusive marriage was ignored.  Being married to an alcoholic and walking on eggshells for the kids, that's not something you want to prolong for them even if you don't want to think about yourself.

I sent you a message about the husband situation. 

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Numb and Lost
12 hours ago, KMB said:

Numb and Lost,

Should I be concerned about your wording here?  As much as I believe in my faith that God is here for each and every one of us, I don't think the 2nd coming of Jesus is going to happen any time soon. Everyone has been saying this *2nd coming* for eons and it hasn't happened yet. The 2nd coming isn't going to happen until every single human being on this planet believes. Could be eons more before that actually happens. Just stating my opinion, so please do not let it offend you.

The man you love and lost will be there in Heaven for you to reunite with. If God had meant for the both of you to have a life together, God would have seen that there would not have been an accident. Some people come into our lives for a short time for us to learn something from that time and that person. I hope for your sake, you find that reason in your future and be thankful.  (HUGS)

No offense at all. I feel like his coming is near but I guess we just won't know until it happens. I know if it were meant to be it would have been but it's still so hard. I don't think our situations would have ever allowed us to be together even if he were here, but just knowing he was here made me happy. 

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Numb and Lost, I grew up with an abusive, alcoholic mother. Even as a young child, I knew my home situation was not normal. I wanted to be away from my mother. I wanted a mother like my friends had, loving, kind, a true mother. I had strong feelings of running away, calling someone, anyone, to get me and my siblings out of the situation. I didn't have the courage then for calling or talking to someone. After I left home, one of my half siblings did make a call to social services. A home check was done, but of course, my mother was given a heads up first. She cleared the house of alcohol, made some other fancy, temporary changes to show it was a loving, normal home. Suffice it to say, after that welfare visit, my half sister paid horribly for making that call. She, along with me and another sister, do not have relationships with our mother.  I do not know the ages of your children, but trust me, they are very perceptive to family dynamics and they probably know their father's addiction. They probably wish they had a more normal home life and a decent, loving father they can respect and admire. You mentioned in another post that you do not have to rely on your husband for monetary support. You and your children are being damaged emotionally and mentally and I feel you need to take charge in making changes.

I know you are grieving over your lost beloved. Maybe you can think of it as God's way of bringing him into your life and showing you what real love and caring you deserve. Maybe it is God's way of showing you that you need to make positive change happen for you and your children. Your beloved is watching over you from Heaven wanting the best for you. Would you please think on this and find the courage to make him proud of you?   HUGS)

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Numb and Lost explained this was Rx drugs, not alcohol.  Really that makes no difference, addiction is still addiction and the affect is the same on the family.  I, also, am an adult child of an alcoholic and it has a profound affect on us kids long after we're grown.  I know that going through what you are experiencing can be paralyzing.  It can blind you to solutions that you've been too beat down to see.  I continue to proclaim that you need professional help in seeing your way through this.  I know you've tried a couple of times, but please try again!  I know you don't think it's for you.  What IS for you?!  What plan do you have for getting you and your kids lives better?  Do you just continue in the hope/chance that he might be better one day?  Perhaps it'll take your separation (again) to make that happen!  There comes a time to draw a line...say this is the line, do not cross it, and then do not allow that to happen, do not allow it to continue as it is!  You deserve better.  Your kids deserve better.  I know he's wonderful when he's not under the influence, but is that the person you're living with?  

Perhaps like KMB states, your purpose in knowing the person you lost was in showing you a tiny bit of what life COULD be like.  You're young, you have your whole life ahead of you.  

I remember 41 years ago my best friend told me to put up or shut up.  I was telling her (yet again) about my husband beating on me, cheating on me, emotionally, verbally, mentally, physically abusing me.  When she said that, it made me mad.  I didn't speak to her for a couple of weeks.  And then the tiny thought crept in...maybe she is right.  Maybe it is time to discard the inaction, after all, complaining never did any good!  Perhaps...
I went to see an attorney.  The way was difficult.  I left him only to have him confront my neighbors with a gun to their head to find out where I was.  He beat the door down and drug me back.  Cops didn't do anything in those days.  They wanted to know what I did to cause this!  There were no women's shelters.  But I wasn't done.  I bided my time, listened to my attorney and when he was gone, a month later, I left.  I went to a secure hotel and never went back.  I didn't get mail at my next place, I didn't want to chance him finding where I lived.  I used my work address and I got a restraining order.  He broke it.  The DA and police wouldn't do anything for me, but they did for my boss when he filed a complaint against him.  He shot himself.  He ended up in a psyche unit, and the Psych. called me at work and tried to get me to visit/talk to him.  I refused.  Same doctor told me I was cold.  I hung up.  I had the common sense the doctor didn't possess.  I knew Bob (first husband) would stop at no ploy to get what he wanted.  So I ignored them all.  I ignored his sending me my family's photo album all torn up via his girlfriend.  I ignored his shooting himself.  I ignored the roses he sent to my job.  I ignored everything, everything was referred to my attorney.  And eventually I was free of him.  But you see, I developed a PLAN and I stuck to it!  I survived, no thanks to cops, DA, etc.  I had words with them too, I wrote them a letter and told them that their ignoring my plight is why we have the newspaper headlines we do sometimes.  And that the blood shed would not be on my XH's hands, he was nuts after all, but on their's.  

I say all this to say, there is only one person who can change your life, and that is you.  And what you do today affects your kids.  Please don't think me cold-hearted for saying this, for I, of all people, have much empathy, but I know that alone does nothing.  It's what we DO that counts.

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Numb and Lost, and KayC, I'm sorry, for some reason I had the assumption it was alcohol addiction.  Drugs are just as bad and still an addiction. Numb and Lost, If you feel that you cannot make changes due to what your husband might do, you have to remember that whatever he does is his own choice. You are not responsible for him and his choices. If you feel that he would harm you or the children if you make a stand, then make a plan to get away. You and your children have the God given right to lead wholesome, fulfilling lives.

KayC, I'm deeply sorry what all you had to endure with your first marriage. A lot of similarities with my first marriage. A control freak abuser that tried whatever he could to keep me like he owned me. We were both blessed to survive those times and even more blessed to find our soulmates and enjoy what time we were given with them.

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Numb and Lost

Sorry you had to go through all that KayC. I don't know if you had kids with him or not but having children with someone and the way the children feel about him makes a lot of difference in decisions and makes things harder.  Right now he is stable and ok. That's good because my mind and heart can't handle both the grief and any strife there too right now. It just can't. Either way I don't want to find any other love again anyway. I would never in a million years feel what he (the one that died) made me feel. There is no doubt in my mind about that. I've really come to the conclusion that I must just feel emotions deeper than some. I'm not talking about it period anymore with any of my friends because they can't understand or comprehend my grief or pain. I don't think they can comprehend it because they have never felt that way to begin with. 

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He had a child with someone else while we were married.  I raised him the first three years until we divorced.  He is one of the reasons I stayed because I didn't have any legal rights with him, stepparents didn't in those days.  I am still in touch with him and his half sister.  But I realized finally that if I didn't first save myself, I would be of no use to anyone else...this was a life and death situation.  And Bo (the child) needed to be in a more stable environment than with him.  His birth mom ended up finishing raising him and he's turned out wonderful and is a great husband and father, so is his half sister, I'm proud of them both and glad for the role I had in their lives.

KMB, I'd thought he was an alcoholic too, not sure where I got that impression but it was early on.  My main concern is that Numb and Lost and their kids are in a healthy environment, free from stress.  The impression I've had is that they weren't, so if I'm wrong, I'm glad!

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KayC, My concern with Numb and Lost is the same. A safe environment. No matter the children's feelings for an unstable parent, their welfare and safety comes first. My children were in grade school yet when I divorced their father. They loved him of course, but I was the one shielding them from his abuse, temper tantrums, etc. They hated me for awhile and each one had counseling. As they got older, experienced their father's behaviors on their own, they now understand why I did what I did. They are all thankful for that now.

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Numb and Lost

I might have implied alcohol on an earlier post as not to be too revealing of my identity. I can't remember if I did but it's possible. Sorry for the confusion. 

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The first husband I had was a monster we all needed away from...he is not my kids' dad...that was husband number two.  We were married 23 years, but it wasn't easy either.  We separated when my kids were teenagers, I tried reconciling, counseling, but we ended up divorced, he made the call the final time.  I remember my daughter being upset because we'd reassured her when she was little that we'd never get divorced.  That's tough, I think that's when the bottom of her secure world as she knew it, fell out.  My son, on the other hand, said the divorce only helped his relationship with his dad, because his dad couldn't treat him like a mini slave anymore, he had to make effort to connect with him.  Unfortunately, I didn't see that effort extended to our daughter, even though I tried talking with him about it.

Both of my kids benefited from having George in our lives.  He was a wonderful stepfather.  I remember my son coming to me and telling me he was so glad he'd gotten the opportunity to live with George and I and see what true love really looked like, because he hadn't had that growing up with his dad and I.  He said it was good to see what real love was so he could know what to look for when his time came.  I considered that legacy one of the most important I could leave my kids with.  Maybe that's why it's hitting me so hard that my daughter's husband has left her...17 years of her being in love with him, and him with her, only to find he's changed and broken her heart.  Hard to understand.  I always felt that my role in their lives of showing them true love was so important...

They still have George as a role model.  His love was unfailing, he loved me, he loved my kids, I'll always be grateful for every ounce of that love.  He was a special man.  I shouldn't use past tense, he still exists, you all know what I mean.  We go back and forth using past and present tenses.

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KayC, Thank you for sharing. My kids benefited also when Ed and I were together. He was there for them when their own father didn't care. Probably why they are not married yet. Still looking for their soulmate. Especially my oldest daughter. She's looking for someone who will match up to Ed. That is a tall order to fill. He was one of a kind.

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Numb and Lost

I catch myself using past tense sometimes and it makes me upset. I had a dream about him last night different than most I have. Usually when he's in my dream he's there but I can't "get to him" if that makes sense. But last night I dreamed about being in the place where we met and how it was and the feelings I had. Then he gave me this hug that felt so real. He looked and somebody and said "I just love this girl." I felt all the feelings I always had when I was in his presence. I was smiling in my dream and I was still smiling when I woke up for a few minutes. Then of course I realized it was a only a dream. It's an odd thing to smile and yet cry and be broken at the same time. 

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Hi CP  

I know what your going throu.  My husband passed away on Thursday,  May 18th. We were the best of everything together. It's only been a few days for me but I don't know how to live without him.  I don't know where to start. I know I'm considering moving - as being in our house is too much for me. I don't want to run,  but feel like i need too. I wish he could give me a sign and tell me I did everything right,  and my choices are ok with him. I wish i knew he's at peace,  with other members we lost,  and that he's no longer sick.  I wish i could have some sign from him.

I feel what your going throu.  My heart goes out to you and your family. 

Cindy....

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Numb and Lost,

I think we use past tense because our lives with them were in the past, and present tense when we're make a conscious decision to because we're speaking of our love that will never die.  It's weird, we know they exist, yet it doesn't FEEL like it because we don't get to see them and hear from them.  I rarely dream about George or at least remember them if I do, so I would cherish that kind of a dream, although I know how sucker-punched you must feel to remember it's a dream. :(

Cindy,

You're so new in this, it's amazing to me you could even have presence of mind to find a forum, I think I found one about a week into it, but gosh it was hard even thinking at that time!  So many details to attend to...but I guess that was good, it occupied my time and mind but I had a hard time doing it.  Try not to make any major decisions the first year, I'd make that two actually.  We get what is called brain fog when we're grieving, it literally affects our brain, it's hard to make decisions with any clarity.

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Numb and Lost, I think the dream as you described was a visitation dream. We live for those! Count yourself as blessed!  (HUGS)

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Numb and Lost
3 hours ago, KMB said:

Numb and Lost, I think the dream as you described was a visitation dream. We live for those! Count yourself as blessed!  (HUGS)

Thank you. I would sure like to think so.

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