Members Francine Posted May 8, 2017 Members Report Share Posted May 8, 2017 My husband, the love of my life left this earth five months go and on Tuesday, May 9, he would have been 65 years young. As much as I want to believe, I really don't see how it will ever be OK. He was my soul mate, my one true love and the most amazing person I have ever met. We truly had a once in a lifetime love that all my friends were envious of. I felt as if life was perfect even with his heath issues and there was no way it could have gotten any better. Things were looking up and I was excited about our *golden* years ahead of us. Then that horrible, awful day came and God saw fit to take him. That day my world stopped and I saw the world through a different lens. While we all have two eyes, I had a different view. I saw a dirty, mean, cruel, and lonely world. A world I wanted no part of. We had both retired and had plans for our life together; what those plans were - I couldn't tell you, but whatever they were, we would do them together. He had many health issues (i.e., diabetes, high blood pressure, CHF) to name a few but he never missed any appointment or procedures. I watched this beautiful man take the life given him and deal with it the best he could. We accepted this life and as lone as were together, we would and could get through it, or so I thought. But it wasn't God's plan. I never ever pictured my life without my husband, and being a widow was never a title I thought I'd have to bear - at least not now. I thought I was to young to be that word - not me - not yet. I always thought I was pretty independent.... I was wrong! Not a day goes by that I don't need him. Miss him. Want him. I am truly thankful to God for bringing Charles into my life, and will treasure every memory always! I just wish I knew how to live my life without him. I cry more often than I don't. Everything reminds me of him. I've only had one dream about him, but it was the most wonderful REAL dream. I wish it could happen again; I didn't want to wake up from it - it was my happy place where Charles and I are together again; I really miss him more than words can express. Every time I see a couple holding hands, or just sitting together, I look away; not because I hate seeing lovers; but because it reminds me of a question nobody can answer, "Where Mine"? It's hard to go on living when he's gone; to be happy when he will never return. On one hand I feel angry, cheated but on the other hand, I feel comforted in knowing he is no longer in any pain and deep inside my soul, my being, I feel he's never left me I believe we need to feel pain to in order to experience joy; we need to go through trials, in order to be stronger, to experience sorrows to know we're human; go through failures to keep us humble and know that God is all we need to keep us going. I will never ever forget the man who made me the person I am today; he will always be in my heart, my thoughts and my mind - I'll always remember the times we loved; the times we cried, the times we fought, the times we laughed. I know if I always think of him, he will never be gone; but with me always deep inside my heart. Happy Birthday Sweetheart I LOVE YOU FOREVER! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members M88 Posted May 8, 2017 Members Report Share Posted May 8, 2017 Know you and your dear man will be in my thoughts tomorrow, Francine. Your last paragraph is so touching and speaks of a precious, well balanced marriage. Sending you lots of hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members HHFaith Posted May 8, 2017 Members Report Share Posted May 8, 2017 Beautiful post Francine. I relate to all of the feelings you expressed. Hang on to that gratitude. You and Charles were so lucky and blessed to have each other, just as Pat and I were. Our lives are better for having had them love us and us loving them. Yes, they are in our hearts and souls forever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Francine Posted May 8, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted May 8, 2017 Thank you both so much; I really appreciate you taking the time to read my post and responding. That means so much to me. God Bless and keep you, keep us all, safe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted May 8, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted May 8, 2017 14 hours ago, Francine said: I really don't see how it will ever be OK. I don't think it IS ever really "okay". I've never been "okay" with it. Okay just doesn't enter the equation. But we can learn to live out the remainder of our lives, we don't have to give what happened our blessing, that's not what they mean by "acceptance". I don't like that term, anyway, because of how it sounds, but all it really means is that it sinks in, we realize it, we know they're gone. Well, hell, of course we know they're gone, we've LOOKED for them in our house, and they aren't there! We don't have to be "okay" with it, no one asked us if it was alright with us anyway. We just have to realize it and figure out how to do our lives in light of it, and that can take quite a while to process and figure out, it's different for all of us. Going through their birthdays and other special dates are tough to get through. My heart goes out to you, Francine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Francine Posted May 8, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted May 8, 2017 2 hours ago, KayC said: But we can learn to live out the remainder of our lives, That's the hardest part - learning to do something I've not done in 45 years. I don't know if I can or how to begin; or if I even want to. Keep sending prayers up so that God can send HIS blessings down - I certainly can use some - especially tomorrow. Thanks KayC for always being here for all of us - reading your post makes it a little less unbearable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted May 9, 2017 Members Report Share Posted May 9, 2017 Francine, I will be thinking of you tomorrow and sending prayers. You will be honoring Charles's 65th year and I will be honoring Ed's and mine 19nth anniversary. I plan on doing a first tomorrow. A solo trip to the restaurant we would have gone to. I know God is going to give me the courage and His blessing and God will be there for you as well. (HUGS) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members HHFaith Posted May 9, 2017 Members Report Share Posted May 9, 2017 Thinking of you ladies on your special days. I hope for peace and serenity for you both. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Francine Posted May 9, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted May 9, 2017 Wow, May 9 is a good day - the day my Charles was born and the day you and your Ed pledged your love and lives together. I did the solo anniversary last month and I thought it would be hard for me to get through it - it wasn't - God's peace and mercy brought me through. So celebrated your love together and while Ed won't be with you physically, know that he there's spiritually. You know my prayers will be with you. Stay Strong! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted May 9, 2017 Members Report Share Posted May 9, 2017 Thank you, Francine, the same for you also today. (HUGS) Thank you also, HHFaith. We have to stick together in this club. (HUGS) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members M88 Posted May 9, 2017 Members Report Share Posted May 9, 2017 Good morning - hope both you ladies cope well with the day. I'll be with you in spirit too. Sending strength, love and hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted May 9, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted May 9, 2017 Francine, You especially are in my thoughts and prayers today and I pray God carries you today...I can see you're off to a good start! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Francine Posted May 9, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted May 9, 2017 Thanks to you all. Plans are to visit his gravesite with my son and make sure his headstone is in place Don't know how long a headstone takes, but it's been since December. From there, don't know what the plans are. Weather is not too good today; rainy, very cool (temp are predicted to reach the lower 50's). Keep me uplifted in prayer - that's all that can help me now; as we all know, prayers can move mountains. Again thank you all so much - I appreciate you all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Andrew's girl Posted May 9, 2017 Members Report Share Posted May 9, 2017 Beautiful message Francine. You are in my thoughts and prayers today Love and hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted May 9, 2017 Members Report Share Posted May 9, 2017 Francine, Thinking of you and praying. I went to the local restaurant solo this morning for breakfast. Something my Ed and I would have done. I went with a positive attitude and no expectations. Our usual booth was free and I ordered my usual denver omelette. It was quiet, not too many people. I knew the 3 gentlemen sitting with their coffee at the counter about 10 ft away. They know me and if Ed had been with, a back and forth conversation would have been going on. These gentlemen knew I was there, but no one acknowledged me. I looked up at each one and smiled as they walked by. No one glanced in my direction. That was ok. Maybe they did not know what to say. With them being men, more understandable. I'm going to check into the price rates for purchasing stars in Ed's and my name. I think that Ed would be tickled to have a star in his name for our anniversary. God is with you today and everyday. (HUGS) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted May 9, 2017 Members Report Share Posted May 9, 2017 Andrew's girl, Nice to see your post and that you are still with us. Hope you are coping as well as can be expected. (HUGS) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Francine Posted May 9, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted May 9, 2017 2 hours ago, KMB said: Francine, Thinking of you and praying. I went to the local restaurant solo this morning for breakfast. Something my Ed and I would have done. I went with a positive attitude and no expectations. Our usual booth was free and I ordered my usual denver omelette. It was quiet, not too many people. I knew the 3 gentlemen sitting with their coffee at the counter about 10 ft away. They know me and if Ed had been with, a back and forth conversation would have been going on. These gentlemen knew I was there, but no one acknowledged me. I looked up at each one and smiled as they walked by. No one glanced in my direction. That was ok. Maybe they did not know what to say. With them being men, more understandable. I'm going to check into the price rates for purchasing stars in Ed's and my name. I think that Ed would be tickled to have a star in his name for our anniversary. God is with you today and everyday. (HUGS) I'm glad you went even if you were not acknowledged by the men, like you say, men sometimes just don't know what to say or how to say it. I like the idea of the star - sounds like fun; if you can, do it; your Ed would like it and so will you. Keep strong today; you know you're in my prayers. The gravesite visit didn't go as well as anticipated. There was mud everywhere and I accidentally dropped my purse in it and it was literally covered in mud - terrible. Luckily, I had a towel in my trunk and was able to get a lot of the mud off. My son and my shoes were covered in mud; but the the icing on the cake - the headstone was not there. I asked one of the attendants and was informed headstones normally arrive 4-6 weeks after the order is placed; the order was placed 5 months ago so the stone should have arrived late January. So back to the office I went and to make a long story short, the manager informed me they had dropped the ball and was very apologetic. I get it, things happen and I was appreciative for his honesty (I can't say the same for my son). He promised me the headstone would arrive before Memorial Day and said the cemetery would place flowers on Charles grave. I don't know how this day will end but it was my Charles birthday and I couldn't have made it thus far knowing his spirit was and is with me. I love you baby and always will. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Francine Posted May 9, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted May 9, 2017 3 hours ago, Andrew's girl said: Beautiful message Francine. You are in my thoughts and prayers today Love and hugs. Thank you sweetheart; it means so much that you thought of me today and responded to my post. Stay strong and be blessed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted May 9, 2017 Members Report Share Posted May 9, 2017 Francine, I'm sorry your day didn't quite go as planned. Mud can't be helped, but, the the office manager did apologize. Just take it as a mixed bag for the day. What matters is the day itself and what it represents and we know Charles was indeed with you. I didn't order a star for Ed. I was looking at websites and came across an article. Only the scientists and international government name stars. All the so called buy and name a star places are just bogus money makers. What I think I will do is make a donation to the American Diabetes Association. It is diabetes and the resulting complications that ended Ed's life. Maybe someday, an actual cure will be found. We will get through this trying time with God's blessing! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Francine Posted May 10, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted May 10, 2017 KMB Good thing you did some checking before investing any funds. Charles and all his siblings suffered with diabetes and we have donated to the association as well. Diabetes is such a crippling disease that results in blindness, loss of limbs, strokes, cardiovascular complications, and kidney failure. I like to think that a cure is not too far in the future. Thanks again Kathy; we both made it through this day in one peace and we'll make it through tomorrow, and the next day. One day at a time, right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted May 10, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted May 10, 2017 18 hours ago, KMB said: I'm going to check into the price rates for purchasing stars in Ed's and my name. I think that Ed would be tickled to have a star in his name for our anniversary. What a neat idea! Maybe you could share that information with us, where to order, how much to purchase, etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted May 10, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted May 10, 2017 16 hours ago, Francine said: the headstone was not there. Oh no! I am so sorry! That must have been very disappointing to see. You were very understanding under the circumstances, not sure I could have mustered that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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