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My mom died, but I feel like I've lost my dad too


AdultOrphan88

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AdultOrphan88

Hi Forum. Last summer (9 months ago), I lost my mom quite suddenly to cancer. I'm in my late 20s and in graduate school, not married or partnered, and still had been very close to my parents all the way up until my mom's death. I have many good friends and connections that have supported me through this, but the one thing I've wanted this whole time is my "family" i.e. my dad.  I come from a complicated family of half/step siblings, and grew up isolated from most of my family because my siblings were much older and my mom was chronically ill most of my life. I grew up more or less as if I were an only child with my mom and my dad. My mom was the center of my whole world, my very best friend. Even though I was busy working on my PhD, I made time each for to be with my mom (even before the cancer). My mom and dad had a very loving and wonderful marriage, and I always thought of my dad as my friends as well. Then the cancer happened, and my mom left us. My dad (in his early 60s) went off the wall- drinking, partying, going out to bars every night, being manically social. I grieved by myself alone in my tiny apartment (and with supportive therapy and grief groups, and caring friends), while trying to balance my emotional health with taking care of myself and keeping up with the day-to-day. Shortly after my mom's death- within just a month or so- my dad, without my input, sold our family home, moved further away, and turned into a completely different person. Within just six months, he had a new live-in girlfriend that he had kept secret from me for several months. He went from being my kind, sweet dad, to an alcoholic, going out every night, and spending more money than I ever thought he had. 

I lost my mom, but I feel as though I've also lost my dad too. He has completely alienated me from his life, and did not engage at all with me in helping us to grieve together. He took away our home and many of my mom's belongings, that I long so much to be able to look at, feel, and smell to remember her. Has anyone else experienced this in their life? Losing a parent and, if your parents were still together, feeling like you lost the other as well? It hurts so tremendously to lose my mom, but then also watch my dad slip away and turn into somebody that I do not like and do not trust. Has anyone dealt with something similar? With parents or others? How do I deal with this while still respecting that his grieving process may be drastically different than mine, but also protecting myself from the fact that his grieving process has also been quite damaging and hurtful to me?

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Dear AdultOrphan88,

My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your beloved mom. I'm so sorry for your pain and sorrow. I'm also very sorry to hear how your dad's behaviour is hurting you. They say there is no right way or wrong way to grieve but I can see how his actions have hurt you deeply. Have you tired letting your dad know how you feel? Would he be willing to go to counselling together?

I know we all process death differently. Maybe he is acting out because your mom's passing scared him. The finality of it has shaken him and this is his version of living life to the fullest. He probably has no idea how all this is coming across. Maybe another family member or friend could talk to him on your behalf.

Sorry, I know this is a very difficult time. Please continue to posts and let us know how you are doing. We are all here it listen and support you in anyway we can. Take care.

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