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zuzuspetals

Can't seem to heal

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I'm new to this site. I lost my husband of 26 years (together 28)  9 months ago. We were so very blessed in that we had a very happy marriage and we truly were the best of friends and soulmates. May 21, 2016 he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and he passed away 8 weeks later. When he passed, the cancer had spread throughout his entire body including his brain. He found out he had it right when our lives couldn't have been more perfect. Our son had just gotten married, they bought the house next door and they had just found out that they were going to be having a child. We were both so excited to be moving into the next chapter of our lives.  I absolutely don't know how people are able to get through this and my heart breaks for anyone that is experiencing the loss of  loved one.

For me, It has changed the way that I look at the world and everything in it. I had always believed, with all my heart, that if you were a good person and you treated others well, that you would be taken care of by God or the universe as part of some sort of karmic law. And, truly, up until my husband got sick, that had been our motto and had seemed to always work well for us. Now, I just don't feel that I will ever be able to trust anybody or anything again. I don't have many friends and our only son is busy with his family. I don't have any family other than my mom (who's 76)  and my animals and I feel utterly alone. I've tried to make new friends but have not been successful as I guess my grief and feelings of sadness are probably too apparent. My husband and I had been together so long, that we created an environment where we didn't feel like we needed anyone else (other than our family). We were each other's best friend, we provided support and encouragement to each other for almost 30 years. I knew that one of would end up going before the other some day but he was only 47 years old and he didn't even get to meet his granddaughter. I want my old life back. I don't like this new existence of mine and I'm not sure that I ever will be able to.

The reason I am posting on this site is because I just really don't want to be here any more. I know that it is not considered appropriate to say that you no longer want to live, but it's true and I'm sure I am not the only person that feels this way. I have a great therapist, I take anti-depressants, I belong to a grief group, I pray to God and I journal every day,  but deep down none of it really seems to help. I have tried to appear to be positive and I have tried to do all the things that they say that you should do to heal,  The first few months after he passed, I knew without a doubt that my husband was with God and he was alright. I was blessed to receive many signs of confirmation regarding this (might sound odd, but I do know that many people do receive these sorts of signs/blessings after a loved one has passed). And I also felt that because time passes so quickly (years in a blink of an eye), It would only be a matter of time before I would join him. This all gave me a very strong sense of comfort.  But now that time has gone on, the signs from him have lessened, the reality has sunk in that I might be here for many more years and the fact that I just can't seem to figure out how to move forward, time seems to just painfully drag. Yes, I am able to smile and laugh and I do experience some sweet moments, but the gnawing sense of loss, grief and missing my husband is always there, too. And deep inside, I feel absolutely broken beyond repair.

I pray daily for God to take me to be with my husband. And because he doesn't seem to be listening, I also think of taking my life often but I am too afraid to actually do it. I'm not afraid to die and I would honestly welcome it if I did. I'm just  afraid that I would not be successful and I would just end up being a burden (health wise) to my son and his family. I also don' t know what I would do with my animals (who I love dearly) as my son has animals of his own and can't take care of any more. Although I do think about it, quite often, I'm also afraid of suicide, because I do have faith in God and I don't want to displease him by not fulfilling my purpose in life (although I have no idea what that is supposed to be).  I'm just wondering if there is anybody on this site that has felt so incomplete and heartbroken, but has managed to heal and rebuild their lives. Right now, I feel like I'm just existing (not living) and I am stuck in a pit of despair from which I fear that I will never be able to escape from..........

* Death is something that we all have to go through, yet, it seems that it is pretty much hidden and not usually openly discussed and people expect you to get over it quickly, yet, how can you when it affects every aspect of your life. I don't think that you are ever quite the same. My thoughts and prayers go out to everyone that has, is, or will experience the passing of a cherished loved one!

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Zuzuspetals, I'm sincerely sorry for your loss and the world of sorrow you live in now. 

Im struck by how similar our stories are, my wife passed a little over four months ago, she was only 42, hers was sudden though, no warning. We were together 27 years, married 24 (and 5 months, 20 days, 2 hours and 42 minutes), and our marriage was as complete and loving as you could hope for. 

I'm a bit more recent on this journey, so I probably don't have the insight you seek. I wish I did. My "wiring" has prevented me from feeling self destructive, but I absolutely question the reason for doing anything. Why bother? It's a struggle that's recently caused me issue. I make myself do things though, I hope for something, anything, to help me WANT to do things.

Society will embrace nearly any cause, be it social, political, health issues, education, anything. However, when in comes to bereavement, we are on our own. We don't do nearly enough to try and understand what this is like, people aren't interested. Maybe deep down, everyone is afraid of their own mortality, so they keep it at arms length.

Feeling like you don't want to be here anymore is no less legitimate than me saying I feel "sad". It's how you feel, I don't think there is a "supposed to feel a certain way" rule. We feel and that's that. I hope you reach out though, your counselor, a church leader, friend or family. If I could I'd sit and hold your hand, tell you that you aren't alone. I know it isn't the same, but I'd offer to share your burden. Everyday is another day with possibilities and hope, so just keep moving. Be weak if you want, being strong is sometimes asking too much of those who's world has turned to ash. 

Bless you and may you find comfort,

Andy  

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I am so sorry for your loss, Zuzuspetals.  We, here on this forum, understand your emotions all too well, and I hope you will find  comfort by posting and reading posts and articles, as I have.  Our lives are changed in so, so many ways forever when we lose our soul mate.  Adjusting to living without their loving presence is very difficult.

Grief is a harrowing journey that takes a very heavy toll on mind, body and soul.  Healing seems to occur at snails pace, hardly noticeable at all and sadly there are no shortcuts.  

My darling man was killed 69 weeks ago. I love and miss him with every fibre of my being.  I couldn't have endured the challenges and emotions of the past 482 days without the presence of my darlings spirit, the ongoing support of my kids - especially my daughter who lives an hour away, my friends, neighbours, GP's and their wonderful nurses, hypnotherapy - the psychology type, counseling, music - loud, heart wrenching stuff that brings out the emotions, and now this forum too - being amongst kind, compassionate, friendly folk who really do understand our roller coaster of emotions.  

To keep my sanity and fear of a future without my darling at bay, I 'try' my hardest to 'live in the day'.  My life is now very complicated and busy.  I used to be houseproud but for many months I didn't have it in me to do anything around the house or yard, now I push myself to do a 'little' bit of everything each day.  

Getting out for walks is good for the soul, as will be your Grandaughter and your animals.  

Sending you strength and hugs, Zuzuspetals.

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zuzuspetals, You are not alone in your feelings and thoughts. A few months ago, I had constant, daily thoughts on why am I here. I was thinking along the same borderline as you, that I don't want to be here. But, I am. I have problems sleeping, but when I wake up, I'm still here in this life and breathing. There has to be a reason for my being here and maybe it will reveal itself to me down the road.

I am deeply sorry for the loss of your soulmate husband. I really don't know how people get through this type of loss, but we do. We take it one day at a time. I like to think that each day I get through, it just brings me one day closer to being reunited with my husband on the other side.

Your son, daughter in law and granddaughter and your pets will give you purpose in getting through one day at a time. Hang onto that love you have with your family. They will be your biggest supporters. Think about your husband being proud of you and loving you from the other side. He's waiting for you. He just got to graduate to his spiritual life ahead of you.   (HUGS)

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zuzuspetals,

You absolutely are not alone in how you're feeling.  I've had way more time than you, in the beginning I asked "Why" and never got any answers.  I finally figured there weren't any answers or at least none I could see, and I think it's all just rather random how things fall.  I mean it doesn't make any sense and I don't think there is any reason for it, we just have to do the best we can under the circumstances and no one but us really gets how hard it is.

I'm glad you have kids next door and will get to enjoy a grandchild.  Mine is too far away, I only get to see them about once a month for a short time.

I'm so sorry you find yourself missing your husband. :(  I hope you'll continue coming here, it really helps, at least you know you are not alone in how you feel.

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I'm so sorry for your loss and know to personally the pain you are going through.  Strange, when life is going good and all seems well, the rug is suddenly pulled from underneath you and you fall, fall hard, and it hurts, real bad, and the pain just doesn't ever go away.   That's how it feels when you lose someone near and dear to you.  You will look at the world differently because it is.  It is shocking when your world falls to pieces and everything and everyone around you carries on with life.  You think how can the birds continue to sing or how can people carry on loving life when your life is shattered.  It is like you're frozen in time and you are watching life as if it were a movie and you can almost predict the ending.  As the weeks and months roll by, life becomes more real again, but you never forget that point in time where your life stood still. 

On 5/6/2017 at 5:07 PM, zuzuspetals said:

I pray daily for God to take me to be with my husband. And because he doesn't seem to be listening, I also think of taking my life often but I am too afraid to actually do it. I'm not afraid to die and I would honestly welcome it if I did. I'm just  afraid that I would not be successful and I would just end up being a burden (health wise) to my son and his family.. Although I do think about it, quite often, I'm also afraid of suicide, because I do have faith in God and I don't want to displease him by not fulfilling my purpose in life

I am a true believer in God and prayer and if not for them both, I know I would have made it thus far.  God is listening.  Never doubt the power of prayer; when we pray, God hears more than we say, answers more than we ask, gives more than we can ever imagine....in HIS time and HIS  own way.  I'm happy to know you have faith in God and you want to please HIM.  Life is a precious priceless gift from God, what you do with it is your gift to God.

On 5/6/2017 at 5:07 PM, zuzuspetals said:

Death is something that we all have to go through, yet, it seems that it is pretty much hidden and not usually openly discussed and people expect you to get over it quickly, yet, how can you when it affects every aspect of your life. I don't think that you are ever quite the same. 

I think you're right.  Death is a mystery and we don't like to talk about it; but it is a part of life.  Does it mean the end?  No; the journey doesn't end here.  It's just another path toward reaching everlasting life.  Dying is easy, it's living that's hard; the harder it gets, the stronger the will to live is and the greater the fear of death is.

I pray that God gives you the strength for every battle; the wisdom for ever decision and peace that surpass understanding.  Stay Strong

 

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Hi, I too can completely relate to how you are feeling. I lost my boyfriend 4 weeks ago, his death was sudden and he was not ill at all. He died of a heart attack in his sleep, luckily I did not find him but he was away with friends in so I had the trauma of trying to get him back also. He is the love of my life, I feel completely broken and lost without him, I would do absolutely anything to have him back and am struggling with why this has happened to him, and me! He was 28 years old, we had all of our future planned out together and he has been taken unexpectedly. I've never been a member of any forum and I'm not sure if this will help at all but I am willing to try anything before turning to some sort of medication which will simply just numb the pain. I know grieving takes time and no one can tell you how long but I have an overwhelming feeling of not wanting to continue with anything without him. If anyone can give me any kind of advice on how best to deal with this heartache it would be greatly appreciated? 

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Wilki, I am deeply sorry! 28 is way too young for a heart attack.Way too young to leave this life no matter the means. Of course you are broken and lost. We all know that pain, the confusion, the loneliness. There are many questions we ask and the majority have no answers. Life is what is is. I hope you have the loving support of family and friends who will stick by you and be there for you. This forum is a great place to vent, cry, share whatever feelings you need to. We are all here to listen, share, give encouragement and suggestions/advice. As far as medication, that will have to be a choice to look into with a doctor if you feel you might need something to help you sleep or with anxiety issues that might pop up. You might also want to check into grief support groups or grief counselors. None of us want to continue on without our soulmates but we are given no choice. They would want us to keep going for them.

Take your time and take care of yourself. Do whatever you feel the need to do. Make sure to eat a little something, drink fluids to stay hydrated, sleep when you can and going for walks is a good way to clear the mind and give the body a little exercise to help with stress.  Prayers of peace and comfort. (HUGS)

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On 5/6/2017 at 5:07 PM, zuzuspetals said:

I'm just wondering if there is anybody on this site that has felt so incomplete and heartbroken, but has managed to heal and rebuild their lives.

I hear you.

To heal and rebuild their lives that is what all of us are hoping to achieve one day. I'm almost one year into it now and started posting to this forum not to long ago. I have hopes that my postings will help answer some of the questions that people have but are afraid to ask. Feel free to post here, no one is going to judge you. Read other peoples experiences and learn from them. If you have any questions at all just ask. There are many people here day and night.

Autocharge (moving forward "new normal")

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18 hours ago, Wilki said:

Hi, I too can completely relate to how you are feeling. I lost my boyfriend 4 weeks ago, his death was sudden and he was not ill at all. He died of a heart attack in his sleep, luckily I did not find him but he was away with friends in so I had the trauma of trying to get him back also. He is the love of my life, I feel completely broken and lost without him, I would do absolutely anything to have him back and am struggling with why this has happened to him, and me! He was 28 years old, we had all of our future planned out together and he has been taken unexpectedly. I've never been a member of any forum and I'm not sure if this will help at all but I am willing to try anything before turning to some sort of medication which will simply just numb the pain. I know grieving takes time and no one can tell you how long but I have an overwhelming feeling of not wanting to continue with anything without him. If anyone can give me any kind of advice on how best to deal with this heartache it would be greatly appreciated? 

Wilki, I also lost my boyfriend, the love of my life, suddenly to a heart attack on New Years. It's been a little over 4 months and I'm still crying every day. My advice to you is to reach out to anyone you can. Whether it be a counselor, grief groups, other types of support groups, family and friends. I really had to push myself to reach out, even if it was just to meet a friend for coffee. I needed to talk about it with anyone . I'm sure some of them are getting tired of listening to me but I NEED to get it out. Also cry whenever you feel you need to. Doesn't matter where you are or what people think. Just go with the "grief waves" when they come. Yes this is the hardest thing any of us has gone through but we are surviving and we will survive. And we will heal. The priority is taking good care of ourselves. It doesn't really get easier but it does get different. We will all make it somehow , doing the best we can. 

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21 hours ago, Wilki said:

Hi, I too can completely relate to how you are feeling. I lost my boyfriend 4 weeks ago, his death was sudden and he was not ill at all. He died of a heart attack in his sleep, luckily I did not find him but he was away with friends in so I had the trauma of trying to get him back also. He is the love of my life, I feel completely broken and lost without him, I would do absolutely anything to have him back and am struggling with why this has happened to him, and me! He was 28 years old, we had all of our future planned out together and he has been taken unexpectedly. I've never been a member of any forum and I'm not sure if this will help at all but I am willing to try anything before turning to some sort of medication which will simply just numb the pain. I know grieving takes time and no one can tell you how long but I have an overwhelming feeling of not wanting to continue with anything without him. If anyone can give me any kind of advice on how best to deal with this heartache it would be greatly appreciated? 

Wilki,

That is so young to have to be dealing with this.  I felt 51 was too young for my husband to die!  I am so sorry for your loss, for I know it is great.

I hope you will continue to read and post here.  Forums such as this is what saved my life when I went through it.  No, numbing is not the answer.  There is no way around the grief, but to go straight through it, pain and all.  Trust me, if there was a true way to circumvent it, I would have found it already.  Grief is one of those things if you try to ditch it, it will find you and haunt you!  It is in learning to process our grief that we make our way through it.   Everyone's grief journey is as unique as they are, but we do have some commonalities too so that we are able to relate to each other as we go through this together.  

One of the best things I've learned is to take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, and I've found that to be true.  We can't bite off any more to chew on that today!  To think about the whole "rest of your life" is to invite anxiety.  I get up, tell myself, I only have to do today.  Then tomorrow I get up and do it all over again.

Another of the gems I learned early on in my grief is to "find joy in every day".  You think that's not possible?  Oh but it is, for I started practicing this day 11, if I can do it, anyone can!  Some days it was a stretch to find anything good about the day, but I'd look hard and you know what?  I'd find it!  It might be the tiniest wee bit, seemingly insignificant, such as someone opening a door for me, someone letting me merge in traffic (a real miracle), a rainbow, seeing a hummingbird or a deer in my yard, a call from my sister, seeing my financial needs met.  As I began to focus on these wee bits of joy, it did something inside of me, it made me LOOK for joy!  It changed my focus from merely focusing on what isn't to seeing what IS.  Therein lies the transformation.  Yes, we continue to have down times, but in recognizing there is also still good that exists, it helps our perspective.

You will get through this, even when you don't see it as possible.  We'll all go through this together.  

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8 hours ago, HHFaith said:

Wilki, I also lost my boyfriend, the love of my life, suddenly to a heart attack on New Years. It's been a little over 4 months and I'm still crying every day. My advice to you is to reach out to anyone you can. Whether it be a counselor, grief groups, other types of support groups, family and friends. I really had to push myself to reach out, even if it was just to meet a friend for coffee. I needed to talk about it with anyone . I'm sure some of them are getting tired of listening to me but I NEED to get it out. Also cry whenever you feel you need to. Doesn't matter where you are or what people think. Just go with the "grief waves" when they come. Yes this is the hardest thing any of us has gone through but we are surviving and we will survive. And we will heal. The priority is taking good care of ourselves. It doesn't really get easier but it does get different. We will all make it somehow , doing the best we can. 

Thank you so much, it's really comforting to know someone has experienced a pain similar. It's just absolutely horrible, wouldn't wish this on anyone and I just don't see a way forward at the moment but I know I have to be strong for him and for me, it's what he would want. Knowing the future he had in front of him with work, life and for us it's just impossible to accept why this has happened, but it has and this is what I've been left with. I have good family and friends around me but sometimes get angry knowing not one of them know directly how I feel but I know that's the 'anger' part of grieving. It's important to keep loved ones close as they are what keep us going after all. I'm glad I've joined the forum as I can see I'm not the only one experiencing this. 

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5 hours ago, KayC said:

Wilki,

That is so young to have to be dealing with this.  I felt 51 was too young for my husband to die!  I am so sorry for your loss, for I know it is great.

I hope you will continue to read and post here.  Forums such as this is what saved my life when I went through it.  No, numbing is not the answer.  There is no way around the grief, but to go straight through it, pain and all.  Trust me, if there was a true way to circumvent it, I would have found it already.  Grief is one of those things if you try to ditch it, it will find you and haunt you!  It is in learning to process our grief that we make our way through it.   Everyone's grief journey is as unique as they are, but we do have some commonalities too so that we are able to relate to each other as we go through this together.  

One of the best things I've learned is to take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, and I've found that to be true.  We can't bite off any more to chew on that today!  To think about the whole "rest of your life" is to invite anxiety.  I get up, tell myself, I only have to do today.  Then tomorrow I get up and do it all over again.

Another of the gems I learned early on in my grief is to "find joy in every day".  You think that's not possible?  Oh but it is, for I started practicing this day 11, if I can do it, anyone can!  Some days it was a stretch to find anything good about the day, but I'd look hard and you know what?  I'd find it!  It might be the tiniest wee bit, seemingly insignificant, such as someone opening a door for me, someone letting me merge in traffic (a real miracle), a rainbow, seeing a hummingbird or a deer in my yard, a call from my sister, seeing my financial needs met.  As I began to focus on these wee bits of joy, it did something inside of me, it made me LOOK for joy!  It changed my focus from merely focusing on what isn't to seeing what IS.  Therein lies the transformation.  Yes, we continue to have down times, but in recognizing there is also still good that exists, it helps our perspective.

You will get through this, even when you don't see it as possible.  We'll all go through this together.  

Thank you for your kind words and taking the time to respond to me. It's actually really comforting to know there's people out there experiencing the same or similar to what I currently am. It's impossible to believe other people have been through this much pain but I know now I am not alone. I know over time it will ease, it's just so hard and raw at the moment to accept this has happened, not only to me but to him - he had such a bright future ahead of him and that has been taken in an instance! I am staying as strong as I can although not sleeping is not helping me function great day to day, but I am trying and will continue to try as much as I can. I know he wouldn't want me give up. Thank you again 

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Many of us have difficulty sleeping, and if we ever needed a clear head, this is the time.  It's good to see a doctor about the trouble sleeping, he may be able to give you something to help you with it.  My doctor prescribed Trazodone, losest dosage, said I wouldn't become addicted, I rarely take it but it's there if I need to.  I didn't take any when my husband died and I regret that, I didn't want hooked on something and figured since it wasn't a temporary situation...but now I regret it and looking back I made it more difficult on myself by not accepting the help.

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I can certainly appreciate your feelings Zuzuspetals. I have also had plenty of those feelings. I have learned however to keep them to myself as I don't want to find myself in a lockup for 3 days. The truth is I now know that checking out is not the answer. I also know that when you do that it leaves so many people feeling like you didn't care anything about them, when in fact you do. The truth is, you want the pain and agony to stop. I am waiting for a shipment of the supplement called Sam-E to arrive in the next few days, and am anxious to try it out. Don't know if it will help till I try it, but I have done the anti-depressant route and couldn't stand the way those made me feel. I have to say that this kind of loss is very different than any others. I never realized it until I am now having to go through it. We are all searching for the right book, the right comment or advice from a friend, the right passage from the Good Book etc, etc, etc. But nothing really seems to end the longing, the heavy pain and all. I just hope and pray for you as well as myself that putting one foot in front of the other and taking one day at a time proves to be the best advice. Because so far it seems that there isn't much help. I will also say that a therapy I found 4 years ago helped immensely with my previous baggage, and that therapy was EMDR. However, when I talk to my therapist now she says I don't need it because she says that what I am currently going through is normal......go figure. All the best to you and please don't hurt yourself. I think time is sometimes the best medicne and you can't partake of that medicine if you leave us. Please be at peace, I wish you wellness in the highest order.

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14 hours ago, ronbb said:

I am waiting for a shipment of the supplement called Sam-E to arrive in the next few days, and am anxious to try it out. Don't know if it will help till I try it,

I am on that and intend to stay on it (have been on it for a couple of years now), I felt a difference to my mood immediately and it's also good for liver and arthritis, and I figure I can use all the help I can get with each of those! :D  Good choice!

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