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Wearenotalone

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Wearenotalone

its been 5 months since he passed of cancer. We were 8 years together and I was his first gf. 10 months before he passed away we found out about his rare aggressive cancer and the doctors told us he wouldn't make 2017. And they were right. In those 10 months, we tried everything we could think of, and spend a lot of money to try alternatives. In these months I saw him slowly slip away from me. I couldn't save him. We did everything we could. And now I sometimes have these scenes in my mind where I see him suffering. He couldn't sleep normal, lie normally or eat normally in his last 3 months. And he wanted to leave his body in october 2016 because he was already suffering so much. He had to have painkillers everyday and couldn't sleep normally. But he wanted to fight because we wanted to try everything we could possible in order to have a miracle. But that miracle never came and he suffered slowly, and lost so much weight to the extent that I couldnt recognise him anymore. Even now, I don't feel pain when I am typing this, my brain and my heart just can't deal with it, I am completely numb. 
 I went to a therapist but it doesn't help, it's so impersonal. I feel writing on this forum is more personal and comforting than any other kind of outlet. Because I am so full of grief. And all those words, its a safe haven for me. I feel that this is the only place where people really care, next to family. People around us just live on and have their lives going on. They live on normally, happy, just how life should be. And for me, I lost all of my so-called friends, I lost myself and I lost the love of my life. I am only 28 and I feel like I am going to be this age for a very long time. My days crawl by so slow and I feel like I am in the most darkest corner of what a person can feel emotionally. So lonely. But all of your words shows me that I am not alone, and that I should appreciate the people around me, and appreciate the love that we had. Its true that I appreciate him more than ever, and that since the diagnose, we appreciated each other so much more. Somebody told me that that should a gift. That he was a gift in bad wrapping paper. And that his gift to the world was everyone he touched. And he changed my life for so much more better. And this gift... my love... I can't believe that I will never see him again. Only when I die, and my soul reconnects with him... but when will this be? I can just go through one more day, because I know I am a day closer to death. But when I read this forum I realize we should live in the name of our loved ones. And everything positive that can be taken out of the whole experience. Like how they didn't want to see us hurt, or how they fought until the end, for us, for love. But... Its impossible, and I feel like I am doing the impossible everyday, by being alive and trying to make the most out of it. I feel like I am going crazy and I am pulling myself to push harder, and make this work. And I will. I will try. He tried his best, and I will do, too. In his name I will be the best person still, and I will put up a smile and run my business. But it is so hard. I feel that dark loneliness sometimes and I always say to myself, why does it matter? It doesn't matter anymore. I have lost all sense of meaning to life. And I have loved ones around, and I love them so much. But I just miss him so so much, and when I think about how long I haven't seen him, I feel so much pain. It is an endless circle. And this is my daily train of thoughts. I cant escape my body, my mind. I am stuck in this rollercoaster. And I am exhausted. I can't anymore. But I know I can't stop. I can't choose. 
I just keep reading articles on this forum that are so wonderful written, and then I feel so sorry for all that has and are suffering... I really have no words... only that I take so much comfort in all of the stories. And that I wish I could take the pain away. And this is what I will keep doing, reading and thinking my daily train of thoughts. 

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Dear wearenotalone,

I'm so sorry for your pain and sorrow. Grief is a horrible journey. Thank you sharing with us. I know its cold comfort to know so many of us are going through the same journey. But in my heart, I have to believe there is hope. We have all have keep trying. And keep taking it day by day. Its so hard but hopefully all these baby steps will carry us through till we see the light again. Sending you love and hugs.

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bradley1985

I have similar feelings.  I am at 5 months and it sucks.  I miss my wife every second of every day and I am so lonely at times.  It is unbearable so much of the time. This journey is a personalized hell. I talk to her all day.  I try to act like her some of the time.  I try to make her funny faces. I order her favorite foods.  I try to keep her right beside me while I go through this hell. 

Work at everything is what I am doing.  I try to talk to people WHEN I CAN.  I try to make friends when I can.  I try to talk to my family as best I can.  I go to many grief groups, get numbers, call them when I can.  I work on our business.  I read grief books.  I am currently working out of the grief handbook and graphing our relationship (week 7 in my group). Even people on this site, if you like what they say send them a personal email.   And the number one thing that has helped is that I have QUIT accepting advice from family and friends.  I now know tons of people that have ACTUALLY lost a spouse or child and that is where to get advice.  Family and friends advice just is irritating and makes it worse.  I would do anything to have my sweet Nicole back in my life.  But it doesn't appear thats going to happen. 

 

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Sometimes it takes trying different counselors before you get the right one...it's important to make sure it's a professional GRIEF counselor because not all counselors/therapists are equal.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/seeing-specialist-in-grief-counseling.html 

You also might want to try a grief support group. 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2010/04/finding-grief-support-that-is-right-for.html 

http://ezinearticles.com/?Youve-Got-the-Power-How-to-Know-If-You-Are-Doing-Your-Grief-Work&id=9047323

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Wearenotalone
23 hours ago, reader said:

Dear wearenotalone,

I'm so sorry for your pain and sorrow. Grief is a horrible journey. Thank you sharing with us. I know its cold comfort to know so many of us are going through the same journey. But in my heart, I have to believe there is hope. We have all have keep trying. And keep taking it day by day. Its so hard but hopefully all these baby steps will carry us through till we see the light again. Sending you love and hugs.

Thank you for your kind words.. The word hope is a huge word for me. I will keep that in my heart. Bless you. Thank you for you love and hugs and warmth. Back to you. Lots of love. 

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22 hours ago, bradley1985 said:

I have similar feelings.  I am at 5 months and it sucks.  I miss my wife every second of every day and I am so lonely at times.  It is unbearable so much of the time. This journey is a personalized hell. I talk to her all day.  I try to act like her some of the time.  I try to make her funny faces. I order her favorite foods.  I try to keep her right beside me while I go through this hell. 

Work at everything is what I am doing.  I try to talk to people WHEN I CAN.  I try to make friends when I can.  I try to talk to my family as best I can.  I go to many grief groups, get numbers, call them when I can.  I work on our business.  I read grief books.  I am currently working out of the grief handbook and graphing our relationship (week 7 in my group). Even people on this site, if you like what they say send them a personal email.   And the number one thing that has helped is that I have QUIT accepting advice from family and friends.  I now know tons of people that have ACTUALLY lost a spouse or child and that is where to get advice.  Family and friends advice just is irritating and makes it worse.  I would do anything to have my sweet Nicole back in my life.  But it doesn't appear thats going to happen. 

 

Dear Bradley, what you said has given me some food for thought because I find that it's so hard to pick up my life by going places and trying to do more to "patch" my life up. A life would be hanging out with friends and meeting new people. And somehow, because I feel so lonely, I really would want that. But then I have nothing to talk about because I am so much into grief. And I am afraid people around me will feel my grief too much and not want to start a friendship with me. And the way it was with my "friends" is that I was the one calling them or organizing something because they all knew that my partner was my number one. And now that he is gone, these people are no where to be seen... not even check on me how it is going with me. I think its a refreshing clean start with friends for that part. But it does make me feel extra lonely as I would appreciate to have a good friend around me. My real friends are in other countries and my business is a small eatery where I have to act happy all the time, which makes me so exhausted at the end of the day because I really don't feel like it but I have no choice. Plus my parents wouldn't want to see my unhappy all the time... it makes them worry and I really don't want them to feel helpless.
So I feel like I am stuck being alone for the coming time and I feel so lost already. I can't see a way out of this and it feels so suffocating. But when you said that you take all the actions and efforts... it made me think that I should too. You have lost your most beloved and you try your best...  and that motivates me to do the same. You have no idea how much support it gives me just by knowing you are going to the same thing and just took the effort to write something. Thank you so much... I really hope you get to go by each day better.. we will always have that void and always will miss our partner. But they are waiting for us on the other side and we need to be able to tell and show them that we are living forth the person that they contributed so much to. 

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Wearenotalone
5 hours ago, KayC said:

Sometimes it takes trying different counselors before you get the right one...it's important to make sure it's a professional GRIEF counselor because not all counselors/therapists are equal.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/seeing-specialist-in-grief-counseling.html 

You also might want to try a grief support group. 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2010/04/finding-grief-support-that-is-right-for.html 

http://ezinearticles.com/?Youve-Got-the-Power-How-to-Know-If-You-Are-Doing-Your-Grief-Work&id=9047323

Dear KayC,

thank you so much for the links. I will check them out.. I have no idea if a grief counselor would work but I should try. I just feel like nothing anyone could say that I haven't thought of could make me feel better or change anything... But I can never say I am 100% right... I don't know. I will check them out. Thank you very much.

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Wearenotalone, my heartfelt condolences and I'm so sorry for the grief and unending sorrow. 

Like yourself, I consider this site my family, a family of broken hearted people who struggle everyday but continue to fight to find a way. In seeking help we end up helping others with our tales of sadness, our grim insight providing a sense of togetherness. I'm a little over 4 months, my wife passing away December 31st. I've lost contact with people, former relationships seem so meaningless now. I'm completely unable to make new friends, I lack the know how or desire. I struggle with finding happiness and joy, or even a reason to try. I have a daughter who still needs me, I won't fail to be dad, my wife would be very cross with me if I did, so dad I'll be. 

I don't think a therapist or clergy or family CAN make us happy, they can help us cope, give us mechanisms for accepting and working through our grief, but happiness is for us to find. Either we will or we won't, but I do intend to try. Even at my ancient (45) age, I want to be happy, I don't want to go through the rest of my life miserable. I need to be the person my wife fell in love with, married and remained my companion, my truest friend, became part of me, for nearly 25 years. She made me a better person, allowed me to be "me", to love life in a way that wouldn't have been possible without her. So, if I forget all that, if I walk away from a life that SHE believed in, turned away from the man that I am, then her energy, compassion, patience and her unwavering love would have been in vain. Her legacy is one of getting up everyday in the face of never ending suffering, accepting life with an uncommon grace, putting the happiness and wellbeing of others before herself, a legacy of true love. Love born not of selfishness, personal wants or need, but one of sacrifice, no judgement, no expectations. Just love. So, I would suggest that perhaps, maybe, you can find similar reasons to carry on, beyond the necessity of function, but living as the woman he loved, the spirit and character that he found so irresistible, being the person you have always been. You have been crushed and broken, your heart has been shattered and life has lost its color, it's vibrancy. It will take time, so much time, to start recovering pieces of what was, some parts may never come back, but who you are, what makes you "you", that's still there. Live as who you are, changed for the better because he came into your life, now let the world see the difference he made in your life. Let his influence shine, allow yourself to feel joy again. I try this everyday, sometimes I'm not very successful, but I won't, can't, stop.

You mentioned hope. I believe in possibilities, for therein lies hope. There are always possibilities, and as long as you hold on to that, there will always be hope. 

Thinking of you and hoping for a better tomorrow, 

Andy

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Wearenotalone

I am so sorry for your loss and can only imagine what you must be going through.  When you lose someone you love, it alters your life forever and your heart will be badly broken.  Nothing prepares us for the biggest shock of our lives.  You live each day wondering how you will get through this pain, and then you remember, he would have wanted you to.  When we lose someone so dear to us, it changes us in a way that we could never go back to the person we once were, not should we, nor would we want to.  The bad news is that you will never *get over* the loss; but the good news is that he will live in your broken heart that won't ever heal completely up.  You eventually will come through this loss; it's like a wound that never heals, it will hurt, the scab will drop off, but the scar will be there forever.

Being lonely is a part of the grief process that is so deeply penetrating -  loneliness snatches whatever is left in you and leaves your heart and mind bear.  I commend you for trying to make it work - and it will. Take it slow, one moment at a time, one day at a time.  Life is strange; it's like a road, there will be bumps, there will be cracks, there are roadblocks, but with all it has, it keeps going and so will you.  When I lost my husband, Charles, I too felt that life didn't matter; but after I thought about it; it does - life matters because my Charles mattered; and because he mattered, I matter, my children matter, my grandchildren matter.  Life is a priceless gift given by God and we must live it to its fullest until such time God takes it away.  God doesn't give you people you want, HE gives you the people you need - people to help you, protect you,  love you and make you the person you were meant to be.  - HE gave you your husband. 

You will miss him and long for him in a way you've never done before.  The pain will never go away because you're now half a person but it will lesson overtime.  Life is a endless circle, of happiness, sadness, hard times, good times; right now you are going through the hard time; have faith, good times are on the way.  Stay strong and be blessed.

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Wearenotalone
On 8 mei 2017 at 0:09 AM, Andy said:

I don't think a therapist or clergy or family CAN make us happy, they can help us cope, give us mechanisms for accepting and working through our grief, but happiness is for us to find. Either we will or we won't, but I do intend to try. Even at my ancient (45) age, I want to be happy, I don't want to go through the rest of my life miserable. I need to be the person my wife fell in love with, married and remained my companion, my truest friend, became part of me, for nearly 25 years. She made me a better person, allowed me to be "me", to love life in a way that wouldn't have been possible without her. So, if I forget all that, if I walk away from a life that SHE believed in, turned away from the man that I am, then her energy, compassion, patience and her unwavering love would have been in vain. Her legacy is one of getting up everyday in the face of never ending suffering, accepting life with an uncommon grace, putting the happiness and wellbeing of others before herself, a legacy of true love. Love born not of selfishness, personal wants or need, but one of sacrifice, no judgement, no expectations. Just love. So, I would suggest that perhaps, maybe, you can find similar reasons to carry on, beyond the necessity of function, but living as the woman he loved, the spirit and character that he found so irresistible, being the person you have always been. You have been crushed and broken, your heart has been shattered and life has lost its color, it's vibrancy. It will take time, so much time, to start recovering pieces of what was, some parts may never come back, but who you are, what makes you "you", that's still there. Live as who you are, changed for the better because he came into your life, now let the world see the difference he made in your life. Let his influence shine, allow yourself to feel joy again. I try this everyday, sometimes I'm not very successful, but I won't, can't, stop.

You mentioned hope. I believe in possibilities, for therein lies hope. There are always possibilities, and as long as you hold on to that, there will always be hope. 

Thinking of you and hoping for a better tomorrow, 

Andy

Dear Andy, 

I have read your other posts and I am very sorry for your loss too. The things you say mean a lot to me. I think about you and others on site often. It sounds weird but like you said, this here feels more like family. We truly bond with each other as we understand the depth of the pain and suffering "normal" people don't go through. It is even a blessing to be able to have felt such kind and level of love. I have heard so many times how it is over now and that it is "time to move on" as life does as well. If someone around me felt such grief of someone's passing, I would just hug them as long as needed. It strikes me how many people don't understand or have felt this kind of love. And usually not in this lifetime. It is one of the things in my life that I feel deep appreciation for; knowing that I have been blessed enough to have felt such warmth and having tasted and enjoyed real love since I met him. You describe it so well with calling it a legacy of true love. And like so many other things you say, I will keep in my heart and mind. I will try everyday and do my best to live a life that touches and inspires others. Because he came in my life. 

Lots of love and hope you are doing better everyday.

G

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Wearenotalone
On 8 mei 2017 at 1:34 AM, Francine said:

Wearenotalone

I am so sorry for your loss and can only imagine what you must be going through.  When you lose someone you love, it alters your life forever and your heart will be badly broken.  Nothing prepares us for the biggest shock of our lives.  You live each day wondering how you will get through this pain, and then you remember, he would have wanted you to.  When we lose someone so dear to us, it changes us in a way that we could never go back to the person we once were, not should we, nor would we want to.  The bad news is that you will never *get over* the loss; but the good news is that he will live in your broken heart that won't ever heal completely up.  You eventually will come through this loss; it's like a wound that never heals, it will hurt, the scab will drop off, but the scar will be there forever.

Being lonely is a part of the grief process that is so deeply penetrating -  loneliness snatches whatever is left in you and leaves your heart and mind bear.  I commend you for trying to make it work - and it will. Take it slow, one moment at a time, one day at a time.  Life is strange; it's like a road, there will be bumps, there will be cracks, there are roadblocks, but with all it has, it keeps going and so will you.  When I lost my husband, Charles, I too felt that life didn't matter; but after I thought about it; it does - life matters because my Charles mattered; and because he mattered, I matter, my children matter, my grandchildren matter.  Life is a priceless gift given by God and we must live it to its fullest until such time God takes it away.  God doesn't give you people you want, HE gives you the people you need - people to help you, protect you,  love you and make you the person you were meant to be.  - HE gave you your husband. 

You will miss him and long for him in a way you've never done before.  The pain will never go away because you're now half a person but it will lesson overtime.  Life is a endless circle, of happiness, sadness, hard times, good times; right now you are going through the hard time; have faith, good times are on the way.  Stay strong and be blessed.

Dear Francine,

you are speaking from heart to heart and I want to thank you for your words. I have thought about it and our lives matter because they mattered. Sometimes I just feel so much sorrow, pain and despair that it feels like I am dying but worse. Its just mentally over the top and again. It is to accept the fact that he is not here with me that makes absolutely nothing matter. And I shouldn't say that because people around me care a lot and they are here, same goes for you all. But life is a gift as you said, and now more than ever, I understand fully that nothing is granted. Only life. And we have to try to make everyday a better day for ourselves, a small step forward or a moment of joy, we have the responsibility to live the lives that our soulmates would have wanted for us. They are with us, but just not directly reachable. I know he is watching over me but just from very far away. I will try.. I have no choice but to keep trying everyday. Thank you again Francine.

love and hugs to you.

 

G

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1 hour ago, Wearenotalone said:

Dear Andy, 

I have read your other posts and I am very sorry for your loss too. The things you say mean a lot to me. I think about you and others on site often. It sounds weird but like you said, this here feels more like family. We truly bond with each other as we understand the depth of the pain and suffering "normal" people don't go through. It is even a blessing to be able to have felt such kind and level of love. I have heard so many times how it is over now and that it is "time to move on" as life does as well. If someone around me felt such grief of someone's passing, I would just hug them as long as needed. It strikes me how many people don't understand or have felt this kind of love. And usually not in this lifetime. It is one of the things in my life that I feel deep appreciation for; knowing that I have been blessed enough to have felt such warmth and having tasted and enjoyed real love since I met him. You describe it so well with calling it a legacy of true love. And like so many other things you say, I will keep in my heart and mind. I will try everyday and do my best to live a life that touches and inspires others. Because he came in my life. 

Lots of love and hope you are doing better everyday.

G

Wearenotalone, thank you, I'm doing ok, not great as of late, but relatively well I suppose. 

It's not so much our rate of success or the "big" picture, but more the passion, or the struggle. Ours is not an easy road, for some, it's not even possible. I'm not sure if it's possible for me, but I intend on seeing. I have to see what's over the next rise, try to fetch that mysterious horizon. Maybe I'll find a bleak world void of color and warmth, maybe I'll find peace and acceptance. We are in a strange place, once having true happiness, comfort and love that many never experience, yet here we are, in the darkest of places. A place we never imagined ourselves being, not now, not in this chapter. I'm missing her, our life, our future, the things we take for granted. I'm left with a quite misery, a sort of grey framework of thought. No true direction, no depth of meaning. I look though, I watch and listen to the world around me, hoping to catch a glimpse of purpose, perhaps a sign for me to see and understand. Sometimes I feel like I'm onto something, I can't explain it, but then it's gone. Other times, I find nothing. Maybe I try too hard. Or not enough. I can't tell anymore. All I know is that I'm compelled to keep trying, I mustn't stop until I find meaning or I die trying. There is no in between, it's do it or never stop trying. Could be that's the answer, that we keep at it, that's meaning enough. I don't know. 

Hang on, keep breathing and I'm sending love and warm thoughts your way, 

Andy

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Wearenotalone
On 13/05/2017 at 2:43 AM, Andy said:

Wearenotalone, thank you, I'm doing ok, not great as of late, but relatively well I suppose. 

It's not so much our rate of success or the "big" picture, but more the passion, or the struggle. Ours is not an easy road, for some, it's not even possible. I'm not sure if it's possible for me, but I intend on seeing. I have to see what's over the next rise, try to fetch that mysterious horizon. Maybe I'll find a bleak world void of color and warmth, maybe I'll find peace and acceptance. We are in a strange place, once having true happiness, comfort and love that many never experience, yet here we are, in the darkest of places. A place we never imagined ourselves being, not now, not in this chapter. I'm missing her, our life, our future, the things we take for granted. I'm left with a quite misery, a sort of grey framework of thought. No true direction, no depth of meaning. I look though, I watch and listen to the world around me, hoping to catch a glimpse of purpose, perhaps a sign for me to see and understand. Sometimes I feel like I'm onto something, I can't explain it, but then it's gone. Other times, I find nothing. Maybe I try too hard. Or not enough. I can't tell anymore. All I know is that I'm compelled to keep trying, I mustn't stop until I find meaning or I die trying. There is no in between, it's do it or never stop trying. Could be that's the answer, that we keep at it, that's meaning enough. I don't know. 

Hang on, keep breathing and I'm sending love and warm thoughts your way, 

Andy

Dear Andy,

I keep reading your post again.. I understand what you say about catching that glimpse of hope and on many days I can't find any but we will need to try. 
I understand so many of the things everyone says but sometimes I just feel so much hopelessness I can't anymore. I woke up this morning with so much crying, and while I was crying I feel so many emotions.. all of them negative. It is such a dark place where we are at and everything IS grey now... to me, nothing matters anymore. But we once said, I matter because he matters. But he isn't in this world anymore and I am living now without him, while I always said that I couldn't. I feel dead inside. And sometimes I feel like dying all over again when I think about how I have to continue to live without him. I would never suicide but I really feel like a zombie. I look at his pictures and think about how I will age and he will never. Maybe he gives me messages like playing certain songs on the radio or visit me in my dreams... but it's just not enough. I can't live on and be happy of signs that I receive. I am in my darkest corner.... where I feel so much at once and nothing at all. It's a border point of crazy or deep depression. Sometimes, crying doesn't even help... it's a far too small expression of what I feel. I am just "living", and my "new" daily life is becoming something of what I am used to. And its so lonely. Even when I am with friends or family... I know that I have times where I am alone. Sitting through this loneliness is so hard as well...if I hadn't had this forum, I would be long gone mentally. 
This forum and your words really helps. Just talking about it and knowing that everyone understand exactly... is really supporting. 

Thanks for listening. 
Love,

Gloria

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Gloria, I know you have addressed your message to Andy, but I'd like you to know that my heart aches for you.  You are in my thoughts and I send hugs to you.

I've read through earlier posts and see you have an eatery.  Just having to put on a brave face for your customers everyday must take a mammoth effort and be exhausting for you.  You may not have time or energy for much self-care, or company, which are so important to our healing.  I wonder if you have considered attending a grief support group in the evening?  As in this forum, you would be among others who understand your pain and perhaps click with someone you might be able to talk with on the ph between meetings. 

It is such a lonely, rocky road we've been forced to travel - with not a shortcut in sight.  

Sending strength, love and hugs X

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Gloria, hang on, it may not get wonderful, but believe it can get better than now. It can. I know your pain, it's a familiar companion now. We have to find meaning, reasons to continue. Just breathe, just one step, repeat, it can be enough. 

Keep posting or pm, I'm in your boat. Love and peace,

Andy

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I agree, it won't stay in this intensity forever.  These early days are really hard, but you will get through them, and we're all in our journey together here.

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On 5/12/2017 at 7:43 PM, Andy said:

Wearenotalone, thank you, I'm doing ok, not great as of late, but relatively well I suppose. 

It's not so much our rate of success or the "big" picture, but more the passion, or the struggle. Ours is not an easy road, for some, it's not even possible. I'm not sure if it's possible for me, but I intend on seeing. I have to see what's over the next rise, try to fetch that mysterious horizon. Maybe I'll find a bleak world void of color and warmth, maybe I'll find peace and acceptance. We are in a strange place, once having true happiness, comfort and love that many never experience, yet here we are, in the darkest of places. A place we never imagined ourselves being, not now, not in this chapter. I'm missing her, our life, our future, the things we take for granted. I'm left with a quite misery, a sort of grey framework of thought. No true direction, no depth of meaning. I look though, I watch and listen to the world around me, hoping to catch a glimpse of purpose, perhaps a sign for me to see and understand. Sometimes I feel like I'm onto something, I can't explain it, but then it's gone. Other times, I find nothing. Maybe I try too hard. Or not enough. I can't tell anymore. All I know is that I'm compelled to keep trying, I mustn't stop until I find meaning or I die trying. There is no in between, it's do it or never stop trying. Could be that's the answer, that we keep at it, that's meaning enough. I don't know. 

Hang on, keep breathing and I'm sending love and warm thoughts your way, 

Andy

Agreed Andy. Like so many things in life, it's about the journey and not necessarily the destination. We may not find that happiness again no matter how many times we reach for the brass ring but we must keep trying. I try to find the meaning behind this. I ask God every day to help me to find out what He wants for me in my life. What He wants me to learn from the life Lori and I had and from the place I am at now. I may learn tomorrow or in 50 years but I intend to keep pushing forward in my search. I firmly believe that we are ALL here for a reason. As bad as it hurts and as dark as this journey is, we are here for reason. I don't believe that anything happens by accident. What challenges me is that I want so badly to find that purpose but I know that it will take time. Maybe more time than I or anyone else here wants. I pray for strength and knowledge in your journey. Just know that you DO NOT walk this road alone.

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Gloria, You are not alone. Our wonderful grief family here has been responding. I have been where you are and I still find myself in deep misery from time to time. As hard as it is to believe, our journey does get easier, the intensity of our emotions and feelings not as severe. Our bodies and minds are taking their time in healing towards some degree of functioning more normally. All we can do is try and to get through the present day. Each day we can put behind us is a small miracle that can bring us hope along our journey.  (HUGS)

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Yes, not alone, not giving up, not stopping, we are here for reasons. Wether or not we find those reasons, or allow our selves to recognize a "reason", it's hard to say. I'm just taking things slowly and without expectations. I HOPE to be happy, I HOPE life has something interesting in store, I HOPE I can offer someone something of value. I'll see I suppose. 

Andy

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Wearenotalone

Dear all,

Thank you for your words.. it gives me hope and strength knowing that we share the same depth of understanding and pain. I will keep on trying as well, hoping for better days in this new reality. I can't believe this feeling will ever soften but I guess I'll just need to hang on to what you all said and keeping posting and reading whenever I feel lost. Wish we could all meet and just have a coffee... and cry. While the world just goes on, not needing to go through what we are going through. 

Sending hugs and love to you all, you are in my mind.

Gloria

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Try not to get discouraged if it takes a while.  What happened was so profound it will take more effort than I can say to adjust but it will happen eventually.  It's important to do our grief work as time alone does nothing to heal.

You're in my thoughts and prayers...

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crownholder2

good morning Gloria.My word,such a simple phrase,has such a different meaning since I lost Larry.I thank you,Jesus ,for leading me to this sanctuary.I know others don't get it.And the pain they see in us scares them to death.I used to be them.They don't mean to be hurtful when they drift away,they just can't face this pain til they have to.I pray you feel the peace of God flood you when you feel like it is all just too much.

Personally,when I feel overwhelmed I am able to shut down like a faucet.But I don't think that is pleasing to my Lord.I also told my husband I would make him proud of me.I learned a lot from him and it hurts that he never thought he was able to teach me anything.

When I read of all you have to do each day,I admire your strength.I am glad you have a reason to get back on your feet.Many of us here(from what I've read) have good reasons to go on,mainly family that loves us.We would never do anything to cause then this pain.I just pray you keep talking and somedays are easier than others,but they all crawl by,in my life.I am here to talk to whenever you want to .Just message me.I don't come in everyday ,so I guess I won't be here any time you need to talk but will be following you.God Bless you,Ruthanne

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