My cat Chicken died yesterday

[Maman Poulet]

She died in my arms when I arrived at the veterinarian, of exhaustion. She waited for me to get back from work before she started going in pneumonia complications. I am grateful to her and God for letting me the opportunity to tell her how much I loved her and how much she meant to me, though I blame myself for not taking the day off or going to the vet earlier to have her neutered. I wish I had more time with her, her illness was quick (+-2 weeks) and stroke unexpectedly. One day I thought she was fine; the next, she stopped eating and only then, when it was too late, did I realize she was ill. I waited way too much time to take her to the vet because I foolishly thought she was only depressed because of my absences lately. What a self-centered fool I am!

I blame myself for taking a month long vacation last year, where I actually missed her every day. I should have taken a quicker vacation and been with her more. I blame myself for not dismissing a boyfriend I had that did not want her to sleep with us and was not affectionate towards her. I blame myself for taking care of her health (with better, more diverse food, toys, etc.) too late in her life. I blame myself for not thinking a cat would need a regular visit at the vet. I blame myself for leaving her alone too much and too long. I blame myself for lacking kindness sometimes when she was nagging me for something... How I wish now she would nag me again for an 11th access to the balcony, to sleep on my computer while I write, to eat directly in my bowl, to have more than 3/4 of my bed!

She was about 7, I took her in after a friend of mine had to give her up for adoption because of her husband being allergic. My friend tried to have her babysat a couple of times, but it was I only that could make Chicken cries stop. I didn't want a cat at that time, but I would have never let anyone take her in but me. I knew someone else would not understand how gentle a soul she was. She was perfect, sweet, affectionate, social, communicative. I had the best time with her. I had her for about 3 years. She was the cat of my life. Everybody loved her. She made me so proud.

I love her very much. I can't believe she is gone... I would need to cuddle with her one more time, to hear her voice one more time, to strike her fur one more time, to tell her I love her one more time. I don't know what to do in my empty house without her.

I was far from the perfect cat mother, but she was always forgiving and loving. She showed me how to be a better version of myself.

I miss her so much.

I love you, Chicken. But I am happy you are in the cat paradise, free from your sufferings. I hope someday you will forgive me for all I haven't done right. I actually know you already did. So I hope the thought of you will give me the strength to forgive myself someday. 

Rest in peace.

[pjo59]

1 hour ago, Maman Poulet said:

She died in my arms when I arrived at the veterinarian, of exhaustion. She waited for me to get back from work before she started going in pneumonia complications. I am grateful to her and God for letting me the opportunity to tell her how much I loved her and how much she meant to me, though I blame myself for not taking the day off or going to the vet earlier to have her neutered. I wish I had more time with her, her illness was quick (+-2 weeks) and stroke unexpectedly. One day I thought she was fine; the next, she stopped eating and only then, when it was too late, did I realize she was ill. I waited way too much time to take her to the vet because I foolishly thought she was only depressed because of my absences lately. What a self-centered fool I am!

I blame myself for taking a month long vacation last year, where I actually missed her every day. I should have taken a quicker vacation and been with her more. I blame myself for not dismissing a boyfriend I had that did not want her to sleep with us and was not affectionate towards her. I blame myself for taking care of her health (with better, more diverse food, toys, etc.) too late in her life. I blame myself for not thinking a cat would need a regular visit at the vet. I blame myself for leaving her alone too much and too long. I blame myself for lacking kindness sometimes when she was nagging me for something... How I wish now she would nag me again for an 11th access to the balcony, to sleep on my computer while I write, to eat directly in my bowl, to have more than 3/4 of my bed!

She was about 7, I took her in after a friend of mine had to give her up for adoption because of her husband being allergic. My friend tried to have her babysat a couple of times, but it was I only that could make Chicken cries stop. I didn't want a cat at that time, but I would have never let anyone take her in but me. I knew someone else would not understand how gentle a soul she was. She was perfect, sweet, affectionate, social, communicative. I had the best time with her. I had her for about 3 years. She was the cat of my life. Everybody loved her. She made me so proud.

I love her very much. I can't believe she is gone... I would need to cuddle with her one more time, to hear her voice one more time, to strike her fur one more time, to tell her I love her one more time. I don't know what to do in my empty house without her.

I was far from the perfect cat mother, but she was always forgiving and loving. She showed me how to be a better version of myself.

I miss her so much.

I love you, Chicken. But I am happy you are in the cat paradise, free from your sufferings. I hope someday you will forgive me for all I haven't done right. I actually know you already did. So I hope the thought of you will give me the strength to forgive myself someday. 

Rest in peace.

Dear maman, 

First, I want to say that I'm very sorry for your loss and what a cute name for your cat. Ruminating and regret is normal during initial stages of greif. I'm still going through it over the loss of my kitty. I have regrets also, but they are pointless. You are being way too hard on yourself. Basically, you wanted to do everything perfect, and you think the outcome would be the different? No one is perfect. Not even the Vets. We all do what we feel is the the right thing to do at the time. My Sadie was less sociable, tired, and weak, near the end and I wish I'd payed more attention to her. She too had a stroke, which I rationalized as being instability from a sore hip. She stopped eating and drinking, and using the box. By the time we got to the vet, she was exhausted. She died in my arms quickly, once the anesthetic was given. Like you, I'm thankful I was with her when she went. I probably prolonged her suffering because I didn't want to lose her. I was grasping at straws. I did the expensive food and such thing too. None of it made a difference. Animals are very forgiving. All they want is to feel loved and cared for and that's what you gave to your little Chicken. She knew you were there, holding her and loving her until she passed. That's my greatest consolation, because I didn't get to say everything before the anesthesia took effect. It doesn't matter if they don't understand our words, they know our presence and feel our love. What you're doing and feeling now is where most of us have been, or still are. Posting on here really helps me. I don't cry as much and don't feel that overwhelming panic. Try to think of all of the good times you had with your kitty, the things you felt good about doing for her, knowing that you loved her-and she knew that, and that you were with her until the end. God's peace and love to you.

[KayC]

Maman,

I am so sorry for your loss...what a beautiful tribute you've paid to her!  It sounds like a match made in heaven.  You truly love her and there's no doubt in my mind she truly loves you.  

Guilt and what ifs are common in grief.  Most of us go through this, almost as if we're trying to rewrite the outcome.  I see guilt as having relevance only when it comes to letting us know something we need to change.  Once we've learned that, we can let go of it because if we hold onto it, it paralyzes us and holds us down, which is destructive and serves no good purpose.  The things you talk about regretting are common to all of us, we aren't perfect, we don't realize how numbered our days are with them. 

You did the best you could with the knowledge you had at the time, that's all any of us can do.

I hope you'll read this, it's one of my favorite articles:
http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf 

http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml

[Maman Poulet]

Thank you guys for sharing your experience. I'll be going on with my grieving and trying to accept my imperfect actions and guilt. 

I'm sorry for your loss too.

Thank you again.