Depressed

[Mrsviden]

The last few days have been incredibly hard, the 8th is coming fast and it brings up how can it be that it's already been 4 months since my husband left? It doesn't seem real, on most days I don't even believe it. 

Yesterday I ran into one of my husbands coworkers and it was awkward, if we wouldn't have made eye contact we wouldn't have spoke. It was in the moment I realized just how nervous people get when they see the spouse of someone who has passed. I have not seen nor talked since the funeral, so that made it even more awkward. What are you supposed to say when someone asks how you are? I feel like saying I lost my husband and my soul mate how do you think I feel? I'm sorry if that sounds rude but it's the way I feel. I called a "friend" of mine and was venting to her and she said "nobody cares about your problems" when I got quiet she  said not being mean or anything. I ask you, how is that not supposed to be taken as being mean. She said to suck it up and get over it. Her husband has ptsd and she leaves every weekend for "play" while he's at home struggling with depression. Do you know what I'd give to have my husband back on this earth taking care of him??? 

Like I said earlier it's been a rough few days, I finished school, completed clinicals and now I'm stuck because the one person I want to tell is no longer here, the one I want to run to is no longer here and that's not fair. All I do is lay in bed and sleep, when I wake up the thoughts of suicide race through my head. I'm just so lost, I'm so angry, I'm beyond sad. I just miss his voice so much, I miss him calling me "baby" in every sentence, I miss him being the one person I knew had my back. I miss being introduced as his wife and him winking and grabbing my hand. I miss the way he held my hand even when it was getting sweaty. I just miss him and I pray he misses me too, I pray he watches over me. 

Why do we on this forum have to adjust to life without our spouse when there are people out there cheating on theirs or treating them like they are garbage. Why did we have to lose our best friends? I don't want to adjust to this hell of a life, I want my old life back, the one where I was happy instead of pretending to be so I don't make someone uncomfortable with grief. 

Sorry this is really long...I know I'm rambling I just have a lot on my mind...

[KMB]

Mrsviden, My heart goes out to you. We are all in the same unwanted boat, adrift and trying to figure things out. I miss my husband too. I hate these long, lonely days/nights. Especially weekends when it was *our time*. Outside of this forum, it seems the longer our grieving journey goes on, the less time others have for us. Everyone is busy, doing their own life. I guess it is a big enough hint for us to try to keep carrying on also.  It just burns me when others don't have complete understanding on how hard it is to go on. There is no ambition or motivation. My life was built around my husband. I could do other things, yard chores, house chores, because of the simple fact he was here for me to talk to, to keep each other company. I've been pushing myself lately to do the normal things again. I write my husband a letter every night telling him about the day. Sure wish I could just call him and hear his voice.

Just letting you know I read your post and I commiserate with you. Who we need and want the most, we cannot have. This is so hard!

[KayC]

26 minutes ago, Mrsviden said:

I called a "friend" of mine and was venting to her and she said "nobody cares about your problems" when I got quiet she  said not being mean or anything. I ask you, how is that not supposed to be taken as being mean. She said to suck it up and get over it.

Wow!  You need new "friends"!  I noticed that George dying took care of weeding out friends for me...they all disappeared.  But I don't think anyone was as rude and mean as this lady, of course, I wouldn't know what they would have said since they all disappeared!

I did make a new friend the weekend he died, a lady who was splitting her time between her husband and mine in the hospital before I got there as she saw he had no one there with him.  She went to my church but at the time we were just acquaintances.  She became my best friend!  And a few years later she lost her husband and I was able to be there for her.  She would bring up memories of George and that meant a lot, like someone didn't forget him!

[AceBasin]

I agree wholeheartedly with KayC and KMB. You mention finishing clinicals which indicates some involvement with the medical community. I recommend contacting one of the palliative care physicians at a local hospital and asking for his or her recommendations for a recovery or just group. It almost always takes a widower or widow to understand another and in many age ranges they are hard to find. Many people should not try to play therapist. 

A friend like that brings Job's comforters to mind.

[Francine]

1 hour ago, Mrsviden said:

 What are you supposed to say when someone asks how you are? I feel like saying I lost my husband and my soul mate how do you think I feel? I'm sorry if that sounds rude but it's the way I feel. I called a "friend" of mine and was venting to her and she said "nobody cares about your problems" when I got quiet she  said not being mean or anything. I ask you, how is that not supposed to be taken as being mean. She said to suck it up and get over it. Her husband has ptsd and she leaves every weekend for "play" while he's at home struggling with depression. Do you know what I'd give to have my husband back on this earth taking care of him??? 

Like I said earlier it's been a rough few days, I finished school, completed clinicals and now I'm stuck because the one person I want to tell is no longer here, the one I want to run to is no longer here and that's not fair. All I do is lay in bed and sleep, when I wake up the thoughts of suicide race through my head. I'm just so lost, I'm so angry, I'm beyond sad. I just miss his voice so much, I miss him calling me "baby" in every sentence, I miss him being the one person I knew had my back. I miss being introduced as his wife and him winking and grabbing my hand. I miss the way he held my hand even when it was getting sweaty. I just miss him and I pray he misses me too, I pray he watches over me. 

Why do we on this forum have to adjust to life without our spouse when there are people out there cheating on theirs or treating them like they are garbage. Why did we have to lose our best friends? I don't want to adjust to this hell of a life, I want my old life back, the one where I was happy instead of pretending to be so I don't make someone uncomfortable with grief. 

Sorry this is really long...I know I'm rambling I just have a lot on my mind...

I feel you - I think people just don't know what to say.  Maybe someone should teach a class on what to say to someone whose just lost the love of their lives - Entitle it, "Avoid Stupid Sayings" 201 or ASS201.   Is this the same friend who invited you out and the creep went into your purse?   If it is, you might want to change her title from *friend* to *foe*  If this is not the same person, it is quite evident that her mind is not on her husband and she doesn't seem too concern about his health.  That's pitiful and sad; but needless to say, that's how some people are.  

I know how you feel; my Charles was my go to person - the only one whose opinion I took and valued.  Like you, I too miss everything about him - from that smile he would give me (which made my heart flutter) to his touch (which still made me melt).  God I miss that man with my entire being.

Ironic, isn't it?  God takes a person from a genuinely loving couple who respects their love and honor their marriage vows and leaves cheaters, adulterers and swingers, who in my opinion are self-centered and have no idea what true love is - I'll never know.  I guess that's life struggles we must endure.  Struggles are required in order to survive in life because in order to stand up; you've got to know what falling down is like.  Life does not work out as we plan, but it always works out the way God knows is best for us.i

Keep strong - I'm sending prayers your way.

[Mrsviden]

1 hour ago, KMB said:

Mrsviden, My heart goes out to you. We are all in the same unwanted boat, adrift and trying to figure things out. I miss my husband too. I hate these long, lonely days/nights. Especially weekends when it was *our time*. Outside of this forum, it seems the longer our grieving journey goes on, the less time others have for us. Everyone is busy, doing their own life. I guess it is a big enough hint for us to try to keep carrying on also.  It just burns me when others don't have complete understanding on how hard it is to go on. There is no ambition or motivation. My life was built around my husband. I could do other things, yard chores, house chores, because of the simple fact he was here for me to talk to, to keep each other company. I've been pushing myself lately to do the normal things again. I write my husband a letter every night telling him about the day. Sure wish I could just call him and hear his voice.

Just letting you know I read your post and I commiserate with you. Who we need and want the most, we cannot have. This is so hard!

Thank you for reading, I appreciate everyone who responds and the kind words they say to me. 

I too, can relate to the weekends being your time with your husband because it was ours too. Like right now we would be eating Popeyes because it was our ritual. Before that we would be working out. Then we would go downtown, come home and just watch movies and cuddle that was our favorite thing to do. Now I can't find it in me to work out like I used to, I can barely get out of bed. My whole world revolved around being a wife to my husband and now I'm completely lost. 

If there's one thing that this has taught me is you cannot depend on anyone! 

I hate the weekends, way more than any other days of the week. I guess because this was our time..

[Mrsviden]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Wow!  You need new "friends"!  I noticed that George dying took care of weeding out friends for me...they all disappeared.  But I don't think anyone was as rude and mean as this lady, of course, I wouldn't know what they would have said since they all disappeared!

I did make a new friend the weekend he died, a lady who was splitting her time between her husband and mine in the hospital before I got there as she saw he had no one there with him.  She went to my church but at the time we were just acquaintances.  She became my best friend!  And a few years later she lost her husband and I was able to be there for her.  She would bring up memories of George and that meant a lot, like someone didn't forget him!

Wow I'm so glad you got to have that experience and glad you have a new friend. I'm telling you these "friends" are awful. I guess if I would stand up for myself this wouldn't happen but I just don't see the point in getting into an argument so I just shut down and go home and cry and beg for my husband to come back and help me. Since Joes passing I have encountered so many rude people and that makes me even more closed off. Just a really bad day...hope yours is better..

mrsviden

[Mrsviden]

48 minutes ago, AceBasin said:

I agree wholeheartedly with KayC and KMB. You mention finishing clinicals which indicates some involvement with the medical community. I recommend contacting one of the palliative care physicians at a local hospital and asking for his or her recommendations for a recovery or just group. It almost always takes a widower or widow to understand another and in many age ranges they are hard to find. Many people should not try to play therapist. 

A friend like that brings Job's comforters to mind.

I have a "grief" counselor which at first was really helping me, now when I go in there still having bad days he suggests selling my house so I won't have to deal with all the memories in here. Now I'm no professional but who the hell would recommend that when all I'm trying to do is hold onto every materialistic thing of my husband and things that represented our lives. He also suggested I take my rings off. Like please tell me why God keeps putting such rude people in my path! 

[Mrsviden]

35 minutes ago, Francine said:

I feel you - I think people just don't know what to say.  Maybe someone should teach a class on what to say to someone whose just lost the love of their lives - Entitle it, "Avoid Stupid Sayings" 201 or ASS201.   Is this the same friend who invited you out and the creep went into your purse?   If it is, you might want to change her title from *friend* to *foe*  If this is not the same person, it is quite evident that her mind is not on her husband and she doesn't seem too concern about his health.  That's pitiful and sad; but needless to say, that's how some people are.  

I know how you feel; my Charles was my go to person - the only one whose opinion I took and valued.  Like you, I too miss everything about him - from that smile he would give me (which made my heart flutter) to his touch (which still made me melt).  God I miss that man with my entire being.

Ironic, isn't it?  God takes a person from a genuinely loving couple who respects their love and honor their marriage vows and leaves cheaters, adulterers and swingers, who in my opinion are self-centered and have no idea what true love is - I'll never know.  I guess that's life struggles we must endure.  Struggles are required in order to survive in life because in order to stand up; you've got to know what falling down is like.  Life does not work out as we plan, but it always works out the way God knows is best for us.i

Keep strong - I'm sending prayers your way.

Thank you, I appreciate that. I like your suggestion on starting a group ASS201, it would fit a lot of the people I have dealt with. I wish there was some way we could all get together at least once a year and really know one another...

the friend that invited me out isn't the same one who said to get over it, so far she really hasn't said anything to really bother me. Knock on wood. 

Like I said before, today is just a really bad day. I don't mean to bring people down, I just have so much on my mind.

[AceBasin]

Mrsviden, your feelings and reactions seem to be in line with all of ours.  

Do you remember the Newhart tv show? Bob and his wife ran a small inn in Vermont and were the only two normal people ever encountered on the show. It sounds like you are in line to win a Newhart award and I truly hope better professionals and friends cross your path.

[KMB]

Mrsviden, Trust me, you are not bringing anyone down. We are in your shoes. We know what bad days are like and the need to vent, cry in despair, wonder about the why of it all. It is enough to drive a person crazy. Last night, I was in bed by 7:30. I had a small glass of wine, a chunk of german chocalate cake from the store bakery, a book and the tv for company. All my nights have been spent this way, usually minus the wine and the cake. But, it was a Friday night that my husband passed. I hate Friday nights. The weekends are no better.

Maybe you can seek out a different grief counselor. I would have walked out if a *professional* had suggested I sell my house and take off my rings. Insensitive and inappropriate .For me, I intend on leaving this earth in our home as my husband did, God willing, and my rings will still be on my finger.    (HUGS)

 

[Francine]

2 hours ago, Mrsviden said:

he suggests selling my house so I won't have to deal with all the memories in here. Now I'm no professional but who the hell would recommend that when all I'm trying to do is hold onto every materialistic thing of my husband and things that represented our lives. He also suggested I take my rings off. Like please tell me why God keeps putting such rude people in my path! 

Don't waste your words on people who deserve your silence.  Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is nothing at all.

1 hour ago, KMB said:

Maybe you can seek out a different grief counselor. I would have walked out if a *professional* had suggested I sell my house and take off my rings. Insensitive and inappropriate .For me, I intend on leaving this earth in our home as my husband did, God willing, and my rings will still be on my finger.  

I must agree with KMB - it's time to find another grief counselor and move on.  When they start talking foolishness, they have served their purpose and you need to cut ties.  One would think being a professional, he  would know how powerful words can be - they can inspire or destroy.   If you can't make me feel special in our grief sessions, don't make me feel insignificant - that simply won't do.

Like KMB, I plan on staying in the home my husband and I shared for nearly 45 years - I could never leave it nor do I want to.  We put our sweat and tears in that house,  we brought our babies to that home and raised them up there.  My husband was born and raised there.  There's just too many wonderful memories attached to that home; and it's bought and paid for .

Why to God put rude people in our path - perhaps to show us what we DON'T want to be or what NOT to be.   

Peace and love are being sent your way!  Hang touch!

[Mrsviden]

3 hours ago, AceBasin said:

Mrsviden, your feelings and reactions seem to be in line with all of ours.  

Do you remember the Newhart tv show? Bob and his wife ran a small inn in Vermont and were the only two normal people ever encountered on the show. It sounds like you are in line to win a Newhart award and I truly hope better professionals and friends cross your path.

I sure do remember that and I can only hope I will be rewarded with better professionals and friends. 

[Mrsviden]

3 hours ago, KMB said:

Mrsviden, Trust me, you are not bringing anyone down. We are in your shoes. We know what bad days are like and the need to vent, cry in despair, wonder about the why of it all. It is enough to drive a person crazy. Last night, I was in bed by 7:30. I had a small glass of wine, a chunk of german chocalate cake from the store bakery, a book and the tv for company. All my nights have been spent this way, usually minus the wine and the cake. But, it was a Friday night that my husband passed. I hate Friday nights. The weekends are no better.

Maybe you can seek out a different grief counselor. I would have walked out if a *professional* had suggested I sell my house and take off my rings. Insensitive and inappropriate .For me, I intend on leaving this earth in our home as my husband did, God willing, and my rings will still be on my finger.    (HUGS)

 

I will never leave this house, it's where my husband passed away and where we came home to as a married couple. I remember feeling like I got kicked in the stomach when he told me to one sell my house because obviously I couldn't deal with coming home and it being empty and suggested I take my rings off because I'm now considered a widow. He also suggested I get mad at my husband for leaving and stop worrying about what would joe think and think about what would Cody think. For one I'll never become mad at my husband for leaving because it wasn't his choice to leave me, he would've stayed here forever so why would I get mad at him? Saturday night was when I called the ambulance for the first time, and then early Sunday morning is when he was no longer breathing. That is the thought in the back of my head that is on repeat. 

[KMB]

Mrsviden, You just gave me some more ammo to be pissed at your counselor! I cannot believe that he would suggest you get mad at Joe for leaving? Our spouses were not given a choice! I witnessed my husband getting more tired out and upset that his legs wouldn't work right. He struggled daily to stay here. I would catch him looking at me once in awhile with a mix of love and sorrow on his face. Just like your Joe did and the rest of those here who lost their spouses can attest to. We may be widows/widowers but for many, we will always remain loyal and married in our hearts. I'd like to give your counselor a few choice words. Is he married? Has he lost a spouse? Until he has the same loss, he should be incorporating more appropriate, sensitive wording in his so called suggestions.  (HUGS)

[AceBasin]

Mrsviden, following up on KMB's post, and I do not want specifics, but what are this counselors credentials? I have become worried about the grief counselors out there that buy a cheap online very unaccredited degree and get some sort of grief counselor training and certification to read from a workbook after a weekend seminar. 

I admit to being a bit of an elitist in that area, but my professional credentials required four years after an undergraduate degree at a fully accredited university and many days of examinations. 

I would not expect much less in the grief counselor area although two years of graduate school and licensing may suffice.

[Mrsviden]

1 hour ago, AceBasin said:

Mrsviden, following up on KMB's post, and I do not want specifics, but what are this counselors credentials? I have become worried about the grief counselors out there that buy a cheap online very unaccredited degree and get some sort of grief counselor training and certification to read from a workbook after a weekend seminar. 

I admit to being a bit of an elitist in that area, but my professional credentials required four years after an undergraduate degree at a fully accredited university and many days of examinations. 

I would not expect much less in the grief counselor area although two years of graduate school and licensing may suffice.

You know I'm really not sure, but he said he deals with it every now and then, he often compares me to a woman who is divorcing her husband. Yes, I do agree divorce is a type of loss but losing a spouse due to a death is different than choosing to separate from them. I didn't choose this! 

He was the guy the suicide hotline found for me and the only one that would return my phone call. This is something he does on the side, so it makes me feel like he's not really into it. He often changes my schedule or gives other people my appointments and then calls and expects me to just find a way to make it. 

At this point I just want to not even go anymore. I'm so sick and tired of hearing that I need to get over it! 

[Mrsviden]

1 hour ago, AceBasin said:

Mrsviden, following up on KMB's post, and I do not want specifics, but what are this counselors credentials? I have become worried about the grief counselors out there that buy a cheap online very unaccredited degree and get some sort of grief counselor training and certification to read from a workbook after a weekend seminar. 

.

I decided to try and look him up, he specializes in couples counseling, teens, and children. It's says his name then lpc and ncc. 

[AceBasin]

Mrsviden, what he is telling you does not sound right. Counselors  and psychologists can be very helpful but licenses and degrees are critical if you are paying for professional services, as is experience in the specific area. You may want to get a referral from a local hospital or your family physician. This is too important to you to trust to someone with unknown qualifications. 

[AceBasin]

7 minutes ago, Mrsviden said:

I decided to try and look him up, he specializes in couples counseling, teens, and children. It's says his name then lpc and ncc. 

LPC in your state would indicate a degree and state license. He just seems to lack knowledge and experience in your area of needed expertise.

[Sylvia GM]

Mrsviden, I'm with you as my husband, Kevin too passed away on the 8th last December. I'm just going crazy especially each month nearer the 8th. I tried to move on day to day and some days are tougher. I learned to shut my ears from people who tell me to move on or it's not healthy to feel this way. Seriously, who are they to tell me when they have not been through what grieving is or missing our soulmate, the loneliness and the darkest moments. Mrsviden, I share your feelings and hugs to you. Sylvia 

[Mrsviden]

11 hours ago, AceBasin said:

LPC in your state would indicate a degree and state license. He just seems to lack knowledge and experience in your area of needed expertise.

I have an appointment tomorrow the day that marks 4 months since my husbands passing and I don't even know if I want to go. Hell say you're coming up on 4 months now it shouldn't hurt this bad, you shouldn't still be calling the suicide hotline. 

[Mrsviden]

3 hours ago, Sylvia GM said:

Mrsviden, I'm with you as my husband, Kevin too passed away on the 8th last December. I'm just going crazy especially each month nearer the 8th. I tried to move on day to day and some days are tougher. I learned to shut my ears from people who tell me to move on or it's not healthy to feel this way. Seriously, who are they to tell me when they have not been through what grieving is or missing our soulmate, the loneliness and the darkest moments. Mrsviden, I share your feelings and hugs to you. Sylvia 

I'm very sorry for your loss Sylvia. Yes the 8th no longer just means my phone bill is due, it marks the day my life changed forever. I'm no where close to the person my husband married, and I don't mind that I guess. Just like he is with me, that part of me is with him too. I'm really struggling and trying to reach out and tell "friends" how I feel and I get the same old thing, it'll get better, you'll move on, or yeah I lost my grandma 7 years ago I know exactly how you feel. a friend of mine had called and of course I was upset and we got to talking and she said for me to get over it, and that I have to realize that nobody cares about your problems. And just like I have stated previously I get so angry to see wives treating their husbands so badly or going and cheating on them, I'd give anything to have mine back and to love on him again. I feel like I got robbed of my life and I got the best part about me taken from me. And she said I know how you feel you don't think I would like to see my granny again? JUST BECAUSE ITS A DEATH, ITS NOT THE SAME! 

[Mrsviden]

They say that time heals all wounds, time is making things worse. It reminds me just how long I've been without my sweet and incredible husband. It reminds me that I've not kissed him in so long. My heart just breaks over and over again...every single day

[KMB]

Mrsviden, I hear you. This Sunday afternoon has dragged on for me because I miss my husband so very much. I tried to keep busy but lacked motivation. Went outside, thinking I could go for a walk. Even though it is spring, I would have had to bundle up for a winter day due to the wind. Watched a little tv, tried to concentrate on a book. Even tried a nap because I have insomnia issues. Just a sad, sad day.

For all of us, wishing an easier tomorrow----

[Mrsviden]

40 minutes ago, KMB said:

Mrsviden, I hear you. This Sunday afternoon has dragged on for me because I miss my husband so very much. I tried to keep busy but lacked motivation. Went outside, thinking I could go for a walk. Even though it is spring, I would have had to bundle up for a winter day due to the wind. Watched a little tv, tried to concentrate on a book. Even tried a nap because I have insomnia issues. Just a sad, sad day.

For all of us, wishing an easier tomorrow----

Me too, didn't get out of bed until 4pm just don't feel like it, I miss him so much, and I've got a lot of my mind. I'm sorry you are having a rough day too, praying for a better day tomorrow...

hugs

[Meesh]

1 hour ago, KMB said:

Mrsviden, I hear you. This Sunday afternoon has dragged on for me because I miss my husband so very much. I tried to keep busy but lacked motivation. Went outside, thinking I could go for a walk. Even though it is spring, I would have had to bundle up for a winter day due to the wind. Watched a little tv, tried to concentrate on a book. Even tried a nap because I have insomnia issues. Just a sad, sad day.

For all of us, wishing an easier tomorrow----

Kmb and all

Same here i hate sundays, infact hate all the weekend, i hate living on this planet without the look, the feel and the presence of the love of my life, i hate all the stupid people that say the most cruel thoughtless things to us, i hate this soul destroying feeling i have inside me all the time, its exhausting, i am so lonely i could scream, i feel all your pain aswel as my own, why the hell did this have to happen to us, WHY WHY WHY. I wish peace for us all, hell weve all been thru enough !

[KMB]

Mrsviden, Meesh,---Thank you both. I am sorry we are all in misery. Some days are ok,, but then there are these kind of days that have you in the quicksand, floundering and feeling yourself sinking deeper. I wish there was a rewind button for our life. An actual time machine.

[KayC]

On 5/6/2017 at 11:54 AM, Mrsviden said:

Wow I'm so glad you got to have that experience and glad you have a new friend.

Unfortunately she moved away and remarried three years ago.   Add missing her to my list.  I'm working on making new friends, it takes time.

Today is in the 60s and sunny, we'll have two more days like it and then back to rain.  I'm sorry you're sad, KMB.

[Mrsviden]

1 hour ago, Meesh said:

Kmb and all

Same here i hate sundays, infact hate all the weekend, i hate living on this planet without the look, the feel and the presence of the love of my life, i hate all the stupid people that say the most cruel thoughtless things to us, i hate this soul destroying feeling i have inside me all the time, its exhausting, i am so lonely i could scream, i feel all your pain aswel as my own, why the hell did this have to happen to us, WHY WHY WHY. I wish peace for us all, hell weve all been thru enough !

I feel all of your pain, as if grieving over the loss of my husband, I have the pain of my in laws turning on me, my family doesn't understand it and doesn't reach out, and my husband was my whole world so I didn't have many friends. His coworkers don't check on me, so it makes me feel like I've done something wrong. Do I deserve this? 

[Mrsviden]

22 minutes ago, KayC said:

Unfortunately she moved away and remarried three years ago.   Add missing her to my list.  I'm working on making new friends, it takes time.

Today is in the 60s and sunny, we'll have two more days like it and then back to rain.  I'm sorry you're sad, KMB.

Aw I hate to hear that she moved away! Today was nice but I don't care I still layed in bed and cried all day. The more hurtful things people say the longer the movie in my head keeps going. I don't know what would make someone think that nobody cares about your problems is the right thing to say to someone who lost their husband and is completely alone. It's people like that, that make me want to not be on this planet anymore. Why did my husband leave me with these mean people? He was the one person who had my back, who always made me laugh. What did I do to deserve this? 

[Mrsviden]

I'm at the place where I've convinced myself joe regrets he ever married me, that I'm the reason his family didn't come to his funeral, they all hate me. I'm sure joe is looking down on me hating me. Is that why I have no friends? Is that why when I meet someone they turn around and leave? What did I do to deserve this? I took care of my husband day and night, I respected all of his wishes, and yet I'm the one that has to live with the guilt of I did something wrong. I want to die, maybe that's what I deserve. 

[Meesh]

6 hours ago, Mrsviden said:

I'm at the place where I've convinced myself joe regrets he ever married me, that I'm the reason his family didn't come to his funeral, they all hate me. I'm sure joe is looking down on me hating me. Is that why I have no friends? Is that why when I meet someone they turn around and leave? What did I do to deserve this? I took care of my husband day and night, I respected all of his wishes, and yet I'm the one that has to live with the guilt of I did something wrong. I want to die, maybe that's what I deserve. 

Mrsviden, joe will be looking down on you, loving you, close your eyes, hug yourself and feel his love because its still there, true love never ever dies,  you dont deserve to die and you have done nothing wrong, you loved your husband and he loved you, do not feel guilt about anything,  if his family and other people are been horrible to you then thats their problem, they have got to live with their own irrational issues, dont think about them, they are not worthy of your thoughts, you av your own grief and loss to deal with so think about yourself, . Life is so lonely for us now, i av few people around me now, my daughter is wrapped up in her life with her boyfriend, my son does keep checking on me bless him but he has anxiety issues and he makes me worry about him, my sister is good to me but she has her own husband and family so i dont like to burden her too much, i do av a few good friends but same as my sister i try not to burden them. Life is so meaningless for me i see no joy in anything but today ive just woke up, i lay in bed crying for a hr and now im just thinking forward and today after the lonely wknd i am going to try to have positive thoughts, i so wish we could all meet to comfort each other but as i live in england and most of u in the states thats not so easy so i am sending positive energy to you all and i hope all of you av a better day, and let us all try think of a bit of hope for our future, we av all been thru so much, we deserve some sort of happiness, the universe cant be so cruel to deny us that, take care all of you x

[M88]

Hi MrsViden, I'm really sorry you are in such a dark place and I'm worried about you and feel you should talk to someone asap.  Do you have a trusted old friend you can phone?  Or please consider phoning a help line.  Someone from church? 

I've just read all your posts on this thread and am just horrified at the terrible things your counselor is suggesting to you   So unprofessional. No wonder you are in such turmoil !!  My heart aches for you.  

I strongly advise you to see your GP asap and be referred to a trained grief-counselor, or at least one who has had some training in bereavement counseling. 

Sending you strength and lots of love and hugs. 

[M88]

And as for your inlaws - I agree wholeheartedly with Meesh.  I too have had family problems - in my case middle aged step-children.  My partner would not be surprised by the behaviour of two of them but he would be disappointed.  Greed reared its ugly head within two days of his horrific death and then again the day after his funeral.  Other more serious issues followed. 

After months of trying to keep everyone safe and help them with their grief, I no longer have contact with them and although my heart aches for my Grandchildren, I feel relief and a sense of freedom.  They were unsupportive and dragging me down further.  My darling would understand as he had their number.  I'm sure your husband knew his family well too and he'd not want you to suffer more than you already are because of them. 

We need as few hassles as possible in order to grieve in a healthy way.  Hugs, MrsViden

 

 

 

[M88]

Meesh, I wish you an easier day too.  It would be wonderful if it were possible to meet up.  I'm in New Zealand but if Andy gets that 'grief train' sorted I would do my darndest to be on board it. 

Sending strength and hugs. 

[Meesh]

M88, me too the grief train would help all of us im sure, till then we all av to keep goin, a minute, a hr and a day at a time . Hugs and strength to you also.

[KayC]

14 hours ago, Mrsviden said:

His coworkers don't check on me, so it makes me feel like I've done something wrong. Do I deserve this? 

Try not to personalize it or it'll drive you nuts.  People get back to their lives, they aren't comfortable with grief, so they disappear.  It's not about anything you've done, it's them.  No, you don't deserve this, none of us do.

[KayC]

13 hours ago, Mrsviden said:

I'm at the place where I've convinced myself joe regrets he ever married me, that I'm the reason his family didn't come to his funeral, they all hate me. I'm sure joe is looking down on me hating me. Is that why I have no friends? Is that why when I meet someone they turn around and leave? What did I do to deserve this? I took care of my husband day and night, I respected all of his wishes, and yet I'm the one that has to live with the guilt of I did something wrong. I want to die, maybe that's what I deserve. 

Seriously?  No!  You have nothing to do with his family's response or lack thereof.  Joe wouldn't hate you!  He just died, there's no blame here for anyone, his body gave up, he didn't break up with you!

[Mrsviden]

6 hours ago, Meesh said:

Mrsviden, joe will be looking down on you, loving you, close your eyes, hug yourself and feel his love because its still there, true love never ever dies,  you dont deserve to die and you have done nothing wrong, you loved your husband and he loved you, do not feel guilt about anything,  if his family and other people are been horrible to you then thats their problem, they have got to live with their own irrational issues, dont think about them, they are not worthy of your thoughts, you av your own grief and loss to deal with so think about yourself, . Life is so lonely for us now, i av few people around me now, my daughter is wrapped up in her life with her boyfriend, my son does keep checking on me bless him but he has anxiety issues and he makes me worry about him, my sister is good to me but she has her own husband and family so i dont like to burden her too much, i do av a few good friends but same as my sister i try not to burden them. Life is so meaningless for me i see no joy in anything but today ive just woke up, i lay in bed crying for a hr and now im just thinking forward and today after the lonely wknd i am going to try to have positive thoughts, i so wish we could all meet to comfort each other but as i live in england and most of u in the states thats not so easy so i am sending positive energy to you all and i hope all of you av a better day, and let us all try think of a bit of hope for our future, we av all been thru so much, we deserve some sort of happiness, the universe cant be so cruel to deny us that, take care all of you x

Thank you Meesh, today unfortunately isn't a good day either. Today is 4 months. 4 months since I've seen my husband, since I've kissed him, held his hand and said everything would be alright and he promised me the ssme. But now everything is not fine, no matter how hard I try. I carry the guilt and pain and then other people put more on me as if I don't already feel heartbroken enough. I sit here in a daze, so lifeless yet I'm still breathing. I just miss my husband...

[Mrsviden]

6 hours ago, M88 said:

Hi MrsViden, I'm really sorry you are in such a dark place and I'm worried about you and feel you should talk to someone asap.  Do you have a trusted old friend you can phone?  Or please consider phoning a help line.  Someone from church? 

I've just read all your posts on this thread and am just horrified at the terrible things your counselor is suggesting to you   So unprofessional. No wonder you are in such turmoil !!  My heart aches for you.  

I strongly advise you to see your GP asap and be referred to a trained grief-counselor, or at least one who has had some training in bereavement counseling. 

Sending you strength and lots of love and hugs. 

Thank you. The one friend I thought I could trust was the one who said that "nobody cares about your problems" so now it's just me in this big ole world trying to make it..

[Mrsviden]

6 hours ago, M88 said:

And as for your inlaws - I agree wholeheartedly with Meesh.  I too have had family problems - in my case middle aged step-children.  My partner would not be surprised by the behaviour of two of them but he would be disappointed.  Greed reared its ugly head within two days of his horrific death and then again the day after his funeral.  Other more serious issues followed. 

After months of trying to keep everyone safe and help them with their grief, I no longer have contact with them and although my heart aches for my Grandchildren, I feel relief and a sense of freedom.  They were unsupportive and dragging me down further.  My darling would understand as he had their number.  I'm sure your husband knew his family well too and he'd not want you to suffer more than you already are because of them. 

We need as few hassles as possible in order to grieve in a healthy way.  Hugs, MrsViden

 

 

 

Weeks before he passed he asked his sister to come down and she said well joe I can't just get up and leave besides I'm face timing you that's kind of the same thing...let me remind you that she is retired as well as her husband and money is not an issue for them. She found out who was on what insurance wise and then started saying that her brother wanted her on this and that, we talked at least 5 times a day about the same ole bullcrap and then she had this crazy thought that a guy who worked with joe who asked a lot of questions regarding money was going to swoop in and we were going to live happily ever after. 

Fast forward to 4 days before he passed she quit talking to him, I called and informed her he passed away and she said yeah i figured he'd die as soon as he got home. Then went on to say that joe didn't die of leukemia he died of a broken heart. She did not come to the funeral, the viewing, send a card, nothing! 

I decided I would send all of his family booklets that were handed out at his funeral and some little keepsakes, she rejected my package of her brothers belongings. Then later on she was on a life insurance policy and the funeral home kept calling her and she wouldn't return their call so I texted her and said your money is waiting on you if you would just call them back and sure enough she called 15 minutes later got her money and I haven't heard from her since. I've tried texting, calling, everything and nothing. 

That's what I have in the back of my mind on top of just missing my husband, this is killing me slowly and the sad part about it all is if i died no one would even know

[Mrsviden]

24 minutes ago, KayC said:

Seriously?  No!  You have nothing to do with his family's response or lack thereof.  Joe wouldn't hate you!  He just died, there's no blame here for anyone, his body gave up, he didn't break up with you!

Thanks KayC...

[Meesh]

Mrsviden, your sister in law is a horrible woman, i am apalled, cut all ties with her she is not worthy,  these people that are saying these bad things to you are nothing. The best thing u can do is look after yourself, i know its not easy its same for all of us, but we cant give up, our loved ones would want us to live the best life we can for ourself, peace and comfort to you and i hope you av some better days ahead x

[annotaine]

I am so sorry to hear that you were depressed and having suicidal thoughts when you posted this.  In my heart, I believe that we, as people are too good to go through things like that.  I've struggled with both depression and suicidal thoughts for 22 years.  I also lost my spouse-type person of 15 years.  Exercise, sunshine, and organic diet always help depression, I find.  As for suicidal thoughts, the only thing that ever really seems to help is finding ways to do good for others.  Somehow this is the magic antidote and it always works.  It gives me a sense that life is valuable when I use it to help someone, even in a small way. In fact, I can really only help in small ways right now.  It makes me feel useful to be here.  It brightens me on the inside, so that I have thoughts like those much less.  I give you a BIG HUG and I'm so thankful you are still here today.  Please private message me if you would like.  : )

[Mrsviden]

7 hours ago, Meesh said:

Mrsviden, your sister in law is a horrible woman, i am apalled, cut all ties with her she is not worthy,  these people that are saying these bad things to you are nothing. The best thing u can do is look after yourself, i know its not easy its same for all of us, but we cant give up, our loved ones would want us to live the best life we can for ourself, peace and comfort to you and i hope you av some better days ahead x

You know you're not the first person to tell me to cut ties with her. The only reason I can think of why I keep trying to reach out is because I don't do well with people not liking me or being mad at me. (I know that's part of the real world) I'm still just struggling...

[Mrsviden]

48 minutes ago, annotaine said:

I am so sorry to hear that you were depressed and having suicidal thoughts when you posted this.  In my heart, I believe that we, as people are too good to go through things like that.  I've struggled with both depression and suicidal thoughts for 22 years.  I also lost my spouse-type person of 15 years.  Exercise, sunshine, and organic diet always help depression, I find.  As for suicidal thoughts, the only thing that ever really seems to help is finding ways to do good for others.  Somehow this is the magic antidote and it always works.  It gives me a sense that life is valuable when I use it to help someone, even in a small way. In fact, I can really only help in small ways right now.  It makes me feel useful to be here.  It brightens me on the inside, so that I have thoughts like those much less.  I give you a BIG HUG and I'm so thankful you are still here today.  Please private message me if you would like.  : )

Thank you and I appreciate your response so much. Today is another tough day, but I'm still here. I'm living for my husband. That's why I'm still here.

[M88]

49 minutes ago, Mrsviden said:

You know you're not the first person to tell me to cut ties with her. The only reason I can think of why I keep trying to reach out is because I don't do well with people not liking me or being mad at me. (I know that's part of the real world) I'm still just struggling...

MrsViden, I too don't like people being mad at me, especially family.  One of my counsellors and a police officer I'm in regular contact with helped me immensley in letting those people who aren't good for me, go.  It is part of the self-care we so badly need to practice in our grief. As one said to me, we don't need monkeys like these unsupportive people on our backs at this time. 

Sending you strength, love and hugs.

 

[KMB]

Mrsviden, Make yourself a priority and say to heck with all the bad people. You have gone above and beyond for undeserving people. God is saying to let go. Those people do not serve a good purpose and it is time to let them go. It doesn't matter if they are family, you do not deserve to keep being mistreated. Joe loves you and doesn't want to see you miserable. He understands and wants you to take care of yourself. Even if that means cutting ties. Sometimes we have to do the unthinkable, quit being people pleasers, in order to move forward. None of us like people being mad at us, but it is their issue that we don't need to take on. I've found out that generally when we think people are mad at us, it is usually jealousy, not anger.   (HUGS)

[M88]

Hi MrsViden, know that we are thinking of you today. Lots of hugs. Please keep posting and reaching out to us so we can take you under our wings to help ease your load.  There's usually someone on the forum day and night.  

Have you read of Andy's idea of a 'grief train' travelling from one side of your country to the other?  We want you with us on board that train too! 

Were you able to ph for an appt with your GP? Or ph a help-line? 

I hope telling us about your family problems has helped you.  Keep in mind that peoples bad behaviour says more about them than you.  I sure feel better and freer for having shared my family problems on here.  But it did take guidance from professionals to be able to cut contact with them.  

There is a lack of articles on the net dealing with troublesome inlaws and step-families.  

I'll look in again later hoping to see a post from you. 

Sending you lots of strength, love and hugs. X