Lost Husband, have no children

[ArizonaGirl]

I just lost my dear husband Fritz April 29, 2017 after he had mesothelioma for almost 3 years.  He did well for a couple of years, and then in the last half year I took care of him with things getting worse and worse.  Even with knowing he had an incurable disease, I was still not ready when the time came.  We were married 41 years and were not able to have children.  He was the perfect man for me, like God created someone just for me.  He was always so kind and loving and we were so close to each other, with really no one else but each other.  My life is completely empty now with nothing to live for.  I guess this is the price I pay for being too close and loving too much, with no family to share that love.  Most people seem to have children and grandchildren to focus on.  Is there anyone else who is childless who has any advice for me?  I am not working so don't have that to think about.  I never want to even date anyone else, just wait to die so we can be together again.  I no longer have any purpose in my life.  Can anyone help me with suggestions?

[KayC]

ArizonaGirl,

I am so sorry your husband died.  You spent your life together and being alone is a huge adjustment.  I have kids but they were grown and don't live here, I rarely hear from my daughter and my son is pretty busy.

It took me years to process my husband's death and put in the grief work, and many more years to build a life for myself that I could live with and find purpose.  Part of that purpose is being here.  It meant the world to me that I found a grief forum when my husband died, it was my lifesaver, and I want to be there for others going through it.  Lord knows what would have happened if not for that forum.

I hope you'll continue to read and post, there are a lot of wonderful people here.  

I do volunteer work and that has been good for me.  I help at our senior site twice a week, am Church Treasurer, am on the Praise Team and in the Community Choir.  I belong to a couple of ladies groups that meet weekly and I also started a Grief Support Group at my church.  I walk my dog twice a day, every day.  All of these things get me out and around others and are helping me build friendships.  You will know what seems right for you, but it's good to be open and try different things.  Your loss is very, very new, it may be a while before you're ready to, but it'd be good to start with a good Grief Counselor.  Maybe in a couple of months or so you might feel up to trying a Grief Support Group.

[KMB]

ArizonaGirl, I am deeply sorry for your loss. You were blessed in being able to spend the rest of his life with him .None of us are prepared for losing a loved one. Even those of us whose spouses had declining health conditions. My husband had congestive heart failure caused from diabetes. He had just been to one of his doctors the week before he passed. We were told his heart still sounded strong, the lab work looked ok and I believed when we were told he had a couple of years yet. It was a shock for me when he passed at home here the next week of sudden cardiac arrest.

My husband and I both have grown children from early first marriages. Most live a distance away and are involved with living their own lives. All but a couple of friends have left my life. So, I'm virtually pretty much alone here, coping with my grief journey the best I can. This forum has been my life line. The people I've met here are compassionate, giving souls, ready with a kind, listening ear. I was attending a grief support group for awhile. I am also in the retirement age bracket. But, even if I had been working outside the home, I would not have been able to handle a job in my state of mind. I am around the 9 month mark and it has only been recently that I'm making some progress in functioning again.

My marriage was like yours and many others here. Just my husband and I doing everything together. Living in our own little world we created for ourselves. You just do what you need to for yourself. Spend the day in bed crying if you want, go for walks, sit and stare out a window. Your loss is a fresh open wound. Self care is very important.

We'll be here for you. We know the pain you are experiencing, the loneliness, the brain fog, everything you will be coping with, we'll try our best to help you through.  Prayers of comfort, love and peace. (HUGS)

[Francine]

 

 

 

[Andy]

ArizonaGirl, I'm terribly sorry for the loss of your beloved, and I'm sorry for this world you're now in. KayC and KMB have given you wonderful words of insight, much better than I could. As mentioned before, if you feel the need, please post as often as you'd like. This place is full of true compassion and honest wisdom gleaned from our shared heartache. 

I would like to say that even though my wife and I have two daughters (one bio, one adopted), and I still (thank God!) have my parents, the most overwhelming feeling that took me by complete surprise is loneliness. It's been a little over four months since my wife passed, and I feel so alone. I see my daughter almost daily, my parents too, and I work, but I think its simply having half of our world, our "being", the most defining aspect of our life, torn away from us. No one can understand that, people will wonder how it's possible to be lonely, you have friends, family, co-workers, etc. They can't fathom what it's like, it isn't their fault, I was just like everyone else. I imagine your situation magnifies the loneliness perhaps more so, being alone and feeling alone. I may not BE alone, but I feel it most of the time. 

I would follow KayC's advice on grief counseling and reaching out. We may be alone, but we don't have to suffer it alone. And someone is always here, willing to talk or just "listen", we are separate, but together. I'll be thinking of you and praying for you, peace and comfort to you, 

Andy

[Bittergreen]

Know what you're going through for sure. I also have no kids or family around. It's damn hard. Nothing to do but go through it. Don't worry about what you're doing or not doing. I was practically in a coma for the first year. Numb, in shock, in denial. Just coming out of it now. It's damn hard.

[KayC]

Bittergreen,

I see this is your first post and I want to reach out and welcome you here.  I'm sorry for your loss, it's just never easy.

[Francine]

On 5/4/2017 at 9:18 PM, ArizonaGirl said:

We were married 41 years and were not able to have children.  He was the perfect man for me, like God created someone just for me.    My life is completely empty now with nothing to live for.    Most people seem to have children and grandchildren to focus on.   I am not working so don't have that to think about.  I never want to even date anyone else, just wait to die so we can be together again.  I no longer have any purpose in my life.  Can anyone help me with suggestions?

I can only mimic all the other posts.  I lost my husband of nearly 45 years; he was my world, my life.  After 4 miscarriages, we were blessed with 2 beautiful wonderful children (grown now) and when I look at them, I see  the love Charles and I had for one another- in human form. - That gives me so much comfort.   I'm sorry you were not able to have children, but your love carried you though - you must find comfort in that alone.   Like yourself, I'm retired and have a lot of time on my hands; before Charles died, it was good to have that time; now it is just the opposite.  Like KayC, said,  I try to keep my mind and myself busy. It's so hard, but I am certain that my Charles would want me to live my life without any regrets knowing we loved each other then and still.  That love will never die.  Every person we meet will play a role in our lives, be it big or small.  Some will hurt us, betray us and  make us cry only for us to become stronger.  Some will teach us lessons - not to change us - but to help us grow and make us a better person.  Some will simply inspire  and love us to make us happy, whole and complete. That what my Charles did for me and I imagine, your Fritz did for you.

I'll never marry again - the love Charles and I shared is enough for my lifetime.  At one point, I too thought life had no purpose for me anymore; I'm beginning to think differently.  Life is a gift from God; what we do with that gift, is our gift to God. Certain people enter our lives at the perfect time for the most beautiful reasons, and we know right away, it's a gift from God.  The things we take for granted someone else is praying for. We both have been truly blessed, and sometimes we don't realize it.  God designed men specifically for us, and allowed us to spend over 40 years together with them.  Man, some people are not afforded that many years of life.  If we didn't think of the things we didn't get after praying, we just might think of the countless blessings God gave us with our asking.

I hope you continue to post; we all were put on this forum at this time for reason - to uplift one another - certainly - but more than that  - to learn. No matter what one believes, we all have something to learn from one another; some small or vast amount of wisdom can be gained for anyone.

I pray that God will anoint and keep you safe from harm; may HE have mercy on your family and always be by your side; may HE protect you and bless you, bless us all.

 

[Bittergreen]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Bittergreen,

I see this is your first post and I want to reach out and welcome you here.  I'm sorry for your loss, it's just never easy.

Thank you. Nope. Not easy. Not easy at all. At this point it is just survival.

 

[KMB]

Bittergreen, I agree. It is surviving. It is existing. Just to be able to put another day behind us is hard to manage. I'd like to think that eventually it does evolve into more than just the basics of functioning. We are still here to give what we can of ourselves to others, our family and friends. My husband was helping others right into his last day before his heart gave out. He was tired, but he wanted to keep going for me and our life, everyone we knew. With all that he was dealing with, I can also do this life for him. At least I can try.

I am sorry for your loss. I am sorry you have no children or family around. Makes our loss so much harder to bear. I don't have too many people around me either. I guess it is a good thing I like my own company and I have my pets.

Welcome to the forum. We have our own grief family here and they are all wonderful people.

[ArizonaGirl]

Thanks so much to all of you who posted to me.  It feels very helpful.  My grief is still so new. We will have the funeral next Saturday and the burial next Monday.  

 

[Bittergreen]

1 hour ago, ArizonaGirl said:

Thanks so much to all of you who posted to me.  It feels very helpful.  My grief is still so new. We will have the funeral next Saturday and the burial next Monday.  

 

If you're like me, you will hardly remember things. I remember things but not in sequence, nor can i recollect who was or wasn't at the funeral really. A blur. Stay strong.

 

[Bittergreen]

On 2017-05-06 at 3:08 PM, KMB said:

Bittergreen, I agree. It is surviving. It is existing. Just to be able to put another day behind us is hard to manage. I'd like to think that eventually it does evolve into more than just the basics of functioning. We are still here to give what we can of ourselves to others, our family and friends. My husband was helping others right into his last day before his heart gave out. He was tired, but he wanted to keep going for me and our life, everyone we knew. With all that he was dealing with, I can also do this life for him. At least I can try.

I am sorry for your loss. I am sorry you have no children or family around. Makes our loss so much harder to bear. I don't have too many people around me either. I guess it is a good thing I like my own company and I have my pets.

Welcome to the forum. We have our own grief family here and they are all wonderful people.

Thank you. I don't feel much. Every time I'm faced with any kind of trauma (even the slightest one) or anger from anyone or a situation I have to solve or contend with I find myself going back to numb in order to survive. Right now I have anxiety. Never had that in my life. Sleep and food is difficult. Feel retraumatized on a regular basis. Don't know how I'm going to get through life here. Pretty rough time right now. I appreciate the ear.

[M88]

I am so sorry for your loss, ArizonaGirl. Sadly nothing can prepare us for the loss of our soul-mate.   There aren't words to explain appropriately what we have to endure. 

Allow your family and friends to take care of you for as long as it suits. They will be suffering at seeing your pain as well as experiencing their own. 

The deep love for our partners is what has brought us together on this forum.  The deeper the love, the deeper the grief.

We are all at various stages of our grief journey and I for one am so thankful to those wonderful, generous folk whom have stuck around in order to help us newer ones as we grapple with our grief.  There is much we can learn from them to help ease our way. 

Sending strength and hugs. 

[KayC]

ArizonaGirl,

You'll be in our thoughts as you go through the funeral.  My George's funeral was very special to me, seeing it packed with people from all walks of life helped me to see just how many people he impacted in such a big way.  We had an open mike session and it was wonderful to hear the things people said, the memories they shared.  While it can be symbolic of laying them to rest, honoring them, for those of us closest to them, they'll never be out of our hearts or minds.  (((hugs)))

[Donna7431]

I'm exactly where you are. I even live in Scottsdale. This has been the only time I ever believed I made a mistake in not having children. Like you, I was hoping there was somebody else here without children to lean on, distract from life. Having a bad day here, tears are not stopping. We always thought our world was full without children. We had cats and spoiled them excessively. Do you like animals? My first thought of finding a reason to live would be to volunteer at the animal shelter. I need time to pass. Time. You need time to pass. Then maybe join a health club? I don't know. These are the thoughts I am having. 

[KayC]

Donna,

If I lived in a city, I would volunteer in an animal shelter, but alas I'm in the country, there's not a lot of choice here, but I volunteer at the senior site.  I think volunteering with animals is a great idea and would be very rewarding.

 

[KMB]

Donna, KayC is spot on. Volunteering at an animal shelter would be beneficial to you and the animals. You have love to give, pass it down. The animals in shelters need your TLC. The love that we would be giving to our spouses/partners needs an outlet and volunteering is the best option. Just give it a try, a baby step. We all have thoughts on how to fill the empty, lonely void. What is important is taking that baby step and putting one of those thoughts into action, following through. We never know where that one step could lead us.

[Bittergreen]

There is no hope. There just isn't.

[Eagle-96]

1 hour ago, Bittergreen said:

There is no hope. There just isn't.

It feels that way sometimes(who am I kidding, it feels like that a lot). I'm glad you posted at such a low point because we know your pain. Not your exact pain because it is different for everyone due to so many mitigating circumstances. But we know the struggle you are experiencing. When you feel that way please come here to talk about it or even just to vent, scream, or cry. We are ALWAYS here for you. We'll walk that road with you and carry you when you can't walk it. You are not alone.

[KMB]

Bittergreen, I feel your pain in those few words of *no hope*. Like Eagle-96, it feels that way a lot. Have you been to your doctor to ask about anti-anxiety or sleep meds? Have you sought out a grief support group or counseling? We need all the help we can access for ourselves to get through. I know how devastating and painful this traumatic loss is. We lost our spouse, our identity, our life. We have no choice but to keep going day by day and rebuilding a life that we are able to handle.

Please keep posting. We are here for each other and listening, doing our best at picking each other up when we fall.  (HUGS)

[Donna7431]

Bittergreen, hang in there I still cry every day..there may have been one day I didn't?.... every morning I pray to God to get me through one more day. And he does. Stay strong. We all have to 

[KayC]

The only "hope" I have is being with him again, and I look forward to that.  I have learned to embrace whatever good there is in this life as well...I know it's not the same, but it helps some.  I hope you'll consider KMB's word to seek out a professional grief counselor.  Just taking one day at a time helps also, whenever I venture into the whole "rest of my life" it invites anxiety so I go back to staying in the present.  As Eagle said, it does help to know you're heard, that your feelings are valid.

[Bittergreen]

thank you for your posts everyone.

i have done all of the above, sleep meds, grief group, counsellor

i posted at a very low point. very low indeed.

don't know that i know what i want anymore... just less pain i suppose...

i'll survive

thank you again

 

[KMB]

Bittergreen, I know how hard this is for you, especially with no family/friend support. I don't have much for a support system either. I do have our dog and cat that need me and I promised my husband I would take care of them. Even with the pets, I still find the days/nights hard. The grieving comes in waves like a roller coaster. There are times I think I'm ok and then I hit a low spot. I hit a low a couple days ago. It took a few hours to bring myself out of it. I hit another low last night. This is my new normal and I have to live with it.

I don't know how long it has been since you went to grief counseling. Maybe you can go back and try it again. There is a website, meetup.com. Very easy to sign up. Many places hold events for activities for socializing. Arts and crafts, dancing, card playing, kayaking, etc. You could even try and start your own meetup for other widows.

None of us want this pain we feel. We have no choice but to adapt to carrying it with us. I've had other losses in my life, but none compare to the loss of a significant other. This is my hardest trial in life and I have to keep going somehow. You will too. I don't know your story, but the loved one you lost would want you to keep going and have the kind of life that the 2 of you talked about and shared.   (HUGS)

[KayC]

Bittergreen,

I understand, less pain would be a good place to start, wouldn't it.  It has helped me to try and get out almost every day, I also take walks twice/daily with my dog.  I don't know if you have any animals but that has helped me tremendously, as it has KMB.  It gives us some purpose, a reason to go on, as well as it's de-stressing and someone to love/care for, talk to, touch, etc.  

Ups and downs in grief are common, it is like a roller coaster.  It's common to feel anxiety, to struggle with loneliness.  Grief is a process, it doesn't end, but it doesn't stay the same either.  I've learned to go with the flow where grief is concerned, not fight it, not try to circumvent it, it's not possible to anyway.  There's no way to drown it out, if there was, we'd all be drunk.  There's only one way and that's straight through it.  It is that which scared me in the beginning, I didn't see how I could do it, the pain was tremendous.  Knowing I'm still here 12 years later and somehow making it through the day should attest to everyone that they can make it too because I really doubted it in the beginning.  I've learned to embrace what good there is rather than focus merely on what I've lost.  I'm fully aware of what I've lost, but it takes effort to look for the good in life...it's a process that's become a way of life for me and has taught me to appreciate every little bit of good in life.

I wish for comfort and peace for you, I know how hard it is, and my heart goes out to you.

[Bittergreen]

Thank you all again.

I guess I'll ride the roller coaster and feel the wind in my hair.

 

[KayC]

I hope you'll keep coming here and reading and posting.  (((hugs)))