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Lulu

Lost my soulmate

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SashaS   
8 minutes ago, Lulu said:

I think she would have handled things better than me if I had gone first. But I think she would have had more financial struggles because I made more and I would not want her to go through that. But I would have tried to make sure she was taken care of. I just don't know but I can't take this pain. Please God help me.

I think she would had suffered too from the pain of loosing her soulmate. That its not a small one.  I have to raise two kids and I have to work hardier. But in front of that pain in my soul that one is insignificant. 

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Lulu   
9 minutes ago, SashaS said:

I think she would had suffered too from the pain of loosing her soulmate. That its not a small one.  I have to raise two kids and I have to work hardier. But in front of that pain in my soul that one is insignificant. 

You're right. I guess I think I needed her more because I am so shy and she was everything to me, while she was very outgoing and would have easily made lots of friends. But you're right I would not want her to suffer like I am. I just wish she was here. I have such low moments but I am trying to take each day one at a time.

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6 hours ago, Lulu said:

You're right. I guess I think I needed her more because I am so shy and she was everything to me, while she was very outgoing and would have easily made lots of friends. But you're right I would not want her to suffer like I am. I just wish she was here. I have such low moments but I am trying to take each day one at a time.

My wife loved me but she could have handled this much better.  She actually "enjoyed" her time with others when she was not with me.  She made friends easier.  She just automatically knew how to get along in society better.  She was "cooler" than me.  Etc Etc.  I really "only" wanted to be with her when doing things or at least have her present and I never really enjoyed doing things with others when she was not present.  Even after 6 months I still wish it would have been me and not her.  Because she would have been able to "build" a life whereby it seems any life I "build" is just going to be incomplete.  Hardly worth doing.

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Lulu   
9 hours ago, bradley1985 said:

My wife loved me but she could have handled this much better.  She actually "enjoyed" her time with others when she was not with me.  She made friends easier.  She just automatically knew how to get along in society better.  She was "cooler" than me.  Etc Etc.  I really "only" wanted to be with her when doing things or at least have her present and I never really enjoyed doing things with others when she was not present.  Even after 6 months I still wish it would have been me and not her.  Because she would have been able to "build" a life whereby it seems any life I "build" is just going to be incomplete.  Hardly worth doing.

Lily made friends so easily, people loved her personality and enjoyed being around her. She would have done better than I am, I'm sure of it, when it comes to having someone to talk to or just do something with. But I'm sure the quiet times alone would be hard. 

Everyday I wake up, I start over. I am reminded of her not being here, of how much I love and miss her, if how lonely I feel, if how I how much I wish she was here. Everyday I start over and it's so painful. I will try to have a quiet moment and just be still. Maybe I will feel her presence and I'll get some kind of peace.

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SashaS   
8 hours ago, bradley1985 said:

My wife loved me but she could have handled this much better.  She actually "enjoyed" her time with others when she was not with me.  She made friends easier.  She just automatically knew how to get along in society better.  She was "cooler" than me.  Etc Etc.  I really "only" wanted to be with her when doing things or at least have her present and I never really enjoyed doing things with others when she was not present.  Even after 6 months I still wish it would have been me and not her.  Because she would have been able to "build" a life whereby it seems any life I "build" is just going to be incomplete.  Hardly worth doing.

I undestand your loss Bradley. But I think that we cant predict how our beloved ones will be instead of us. The only thing I can predict for sure if my husband would be in my place is that he will be in suffer too. We loved each other and for about 20 years together we never been apart. Measuring the pain and how he could it be here and I there or the contrary its only supposing. In physical and in the spirit we were united and I miss my other part. I only hope he is there in peace with his father which was a good friend for him! 

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Lulu   

You're right, Sasha. We can't really predict how our loved ones would react. I guess I just know that at least she wouldn't be alone like I am. She would have friends and family to distract her, while I have no one. I miss her and all the little things we'd joke and laugh about. The small things we'd do for each other, like making and sharing a cup of coffee. Fixing each other a sandwich, doing laundry, unlocking the door for each other if we were getting home with groceries or after dark. God, I miss those moments.

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Lulu   

I've been a mess today. I just feel so sad. I miss her so much, more every day it seems. I can hardly breathe from crying. Why am I so alone. I try to reach out to others but they don't seem to get it how much I hurt. They want to talk like it's just another day, the usual for them, but not me! I don't know how many more days like this I can take. I just want her back, if not just for this pain to end.  

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KayC   

I'm sorry.  I feel your pain, I wish I had a magic wand to help us all. :(

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SashaS   
11 hours ago, Lulu said:

I've been a mess today. I just feel so sad. I miss her so much, more every day it seems. I can hardly breathe from crying. Why am I so alone. I try to reach out to others but they don't seem to get it how much I hurt. They want to talk like it's just another day, the usual for them, but not me! I don't know how many more days like this I can take. I just want her back, if not just for this pain to end.  

I understand your pain Lulu! I wish my prayers bring you comfort and ease your pain. Hugs! 

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Lulu   

Thank you KayC and SashaS. I just can't handle the weekends. During the week I still feel such pain and sadness, but I have work to provide intermittent distractions. Although once I'm done with a task, I just go back to thinking about  her and the events of the last months. But at least, when I go home, I have only a couple of hours to kill before I fall asleep and start the cycle again. On the weekends, I'm all alone and I just have no motivation to do anything. I try to go into town, but it's a long commute to just waste time. Besides, when I go to the store, I see all the things Lily would have liked or that she said she wanted to get later. Pain exists everywhere I look and go. There is no escaping it. I try to tell myself, Stop! Just remember she is in Heaven with God and she is in peace, no pain, no sadness. JUST LOVE! But I can't seem to stop the lonliness and eventual sadness from creeping back up again. I don't think I'm depressed, but what is wrong with me! I've thought about going to a therapist, but I am too shy and the anxiety keeps me from taking that step. I just don't know what to do.

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SashaS   

Lulu! The weekends are hard for me too. I'm trying to determine some goals for the weekends. I have downloaded an app that counts the steps and i go out for a long walk. I like walking and my aim is to do 5000-10000 steps during the day. I feel better after that. No bad thoughts. I also try to prepare some new recipes. You can try whatever else you liked before. As for the therapist if you think to do and that will help you, do it. Dont think about that, just leave an appointment and go. 

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KMB   

Lulu, I hate the weekends also. I don't care for the week days either, but it seems there is more of a routine to the week. I have been setting up small goals for myself on weekends to get through. Maybe you could locate a therapist that would be willing to conduct their counseling by phone, so you don't have to worry about face to face contact. There are also e- counselors that offer their services via the internet. Just an idea for you to think about.  (HUGS)

Sasha, Hang in there!  HUGS to you also!

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Lulu   
4 hours ago, SashaS said:

Lulu! The weekends are hard for me too. I'm trying to determine some goals for the weekends. I have downloaded an app that counts the steps and i go out for a long walk. I like walking and my aim is to do 5000-10000 steps during the day. I feel better after that. No bad thoughts. I also try to prepare some new recipes. You can try whatever else you liked before. As for the therapist if you think to do and that will help you, do it. Dont think about that, just leave an appointment and go. 

 

2 hours ago, KMB said:

Lulu, I hate the weekends also. I don't care for the week days either, but it seems there is more of a routine to the week. I have been setting up small goals for myself on weekends to get through. Maybe you could locate a therapist that would be willing to conduct their counseling by phone, so you don't have to worry about face to face contact. There are also e- counselors that offer their services via the internet. Just an idea for you to think about.  (HUGS)

Sasha, Hang in there!  HUGS to you also!

thank you both. I will try and see if I can set some goals for myself. I tried to search for any activities that I might be able to participate but I found nothing locally. even if I had, I don't know if I would have been able to go. my shyness definitely keeps me from branching out. when I had Lily, it was ok. she understood me. she accepted me. she would do some things for me without hesitation. when she got sick last year, it forced me to do some things for both myself and for  her. I remember how hard it was but I knew I had to step up for her and take care of her and I did. she was so proud of me. I told her I would do anything for her. now I have to learn to do for myself. I don't know that I can. after almost 20 years of having someone there to lean on and depend on to cheer you on, for them to suddenly not be there is tough. I don't know how far I can go on my own. A month ago, I was going to try to a support group, I kept circling the building. I couldn't go in and I didn't. It was so frustrating but I just couldn't. I want to try again but I don't know when.

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KMB   

Lulu, It is ok. We understand. Try the support group again when you feel more up to it. The first time I went to a support group, I debated on it all day. Came within an inch of not going. I finally just told myself that I will go and if I have a break down, so be it, and I had the right to not stay. I went and it was decent. It was a small group and everyone was nice and polite. On the drive home, I felt ok that I had gotten out of my comfort zone. It did bother me that the reason for going to a support group was because my husband had to go to Heaven. But, at the same time, maybe Heaven is responsible for having the access to these groups to provide the support/social interaction we need at this time in our lives. You stepped up for Lily when she needed you, now, you have to step up for yourself. Tell yourself you are going to keep trying for Lily's sake. She'll be proud of you.

We are all cheering you on from this forum. We are all on this journey together.   (HUGS)

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Lulu   
10 hours ago, KMB said:

Lulu, It is ok. We understand. Try the support group again when you feel more up to it. The first time I went to a support group, I debated on it all day. Came within an inch of not going. I finally just told myself that I will go and if I have a break down, so be it, and I had the right to not stay. I went and it was decent. It was a small group and everyone was nice and polite. On the drive home, I felt ok that I had gotten out of my comfort zone. It did bother me that the reason for going to a support group was because my husband had to go to Heaven. But, at the same time, maybe Heaven is responsible for having the access to these groups to provide the support/social interaction we need at this time in our lives. You stepped up for Lily when she needed you, now, you have to step up for yourself. Tell yourself you are going to keep trying for Lily's sake. She'll be proud of you.

We are all cheering you on from this forum. We are all on this journey together.   (HUGS)

You're right, she would be so proud of me. She'd be cheering me with a smile on her face. I will try again later. I find some comfort knowing that she is in Heaven preparing a room for me. I know I will see her again one day. It just hurts to not have her here where I can talk with her and here her sweet voice and laughter. She was such a wonderful and happy person. I miss her presence in my life.

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KMB   

Lulu, We are always going to miss their physical presence. My daughter from my first early marriage moved in with me last week. She sleeps half the day and is up late into the night. Even with her here, I miss my husband so very much. I miss his smile, his laugh, his voice, I miss everything about him and our together life. I'm going to go through the rest of my life missing him. I know this is going to be the hardest trial of our lives, Lulu. We have no choice but to keep going on as well as we can. Our reward for doing this life is our reunion with our beloveds when it is our time to do so.  (HUGS)

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KayC   

Lulu, you are making effort, trying to go out of your comfort zone and you are to be commended for that.  I think eventually it will show in your progress.  Weekends were very hard for me in the beginning, now they just seem another day like any other.  This is a long journey and it takes it what it takes us. :)  Hugs!

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Lulu   
5 hours ago, KMB said:

Lulu, We are always going to miss their physical presence. My daughter from my first early marriage moved in with me last week. She sleeps half the day and is up late into the night. Even with her here, I miss my husband so very much. I miss his smile, his laugh, his voice, I miss everything about him and our together life. I'm going to go through the rest of my life missing him. I know this is going to be the hardest trial of our lives, Lulu. We have no choice but to keep going on as well as we can. Our reward for doing this life is our reunion with our beloveds when it is our time to do so.  (HUGS)

This is something I am working on accepting. That I will miss her physical presence for the rest of my life, no matter how long that is or what  happens. It's something I did not want to accept because it seems so harsh, so cruel. I said God, you know I've always been so shy and don't have any close friends. I asked you to send me someone to share my life with, and you brought me Lily. I know you sent her because we were so different and yet, we clicked and made a life together. You gave us almost 20 years together and now you snatched her away and have left me with nothing, just like I was before. Why? It seems so cruel and cruel to her. We thought she was cured, she thought she was going to get to live a long life like she wanted. Then you snatched her away. Why? I don't understand. Maybe I'm not meant to understand, but it seems so unfair. I am trying to go on, but it is hard. It is lonely. It is sad and painful. I hope for God to show me a new purpose and gives me the strength to go on.

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SashaS   
1 hour ago, Lulu said:

This is something I am working on accepting. That I will miss her physical presence for the rest of my life, no matter how long that is or what  happens. It's something I did not want to accept because it seems so harsh, so cruel. I said God, you know I've always been so shy and don't have any close friends. I asked you to send me someone to share my life with, and you brought me Lily. I know you sent her because we were so different and yet, we clicked and made a life together. You gave us almost 20 years together and now you snatched her away and have left me with nothing, just like I was before. Why? It seems so cruel and cruel to her. We thought she was cured, she thought she was going to get to live a long life like she wanted. Then you snatched her away. Why? I don't understand. Maybe I'm not meant to understand, but it seems so unfair. I am trying to go on, but it is hard. It is lonely. It is sad and painful. I hope for God to show me a new purpose and gives me the strength to go on.

For me its more than 6 months and I havent accepted yet and that is hardier part. I know he is not coming but I still wait for him. Than I think and I dont find an answer why he had to go. That makes me sad. And thoughts are so painful. I know, this is a long journey for us but we dont have other way but standing. 

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KayC   
2 hours ago, Lulu said:

I hope for God to show me a new purpose and gives me the strength to go on.

I hope that for you too, it may take time, but I believe He will supply your needs even as He has mine.

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KayC   

Sasha,

I hear you say you wait for him and that breaks my heart.  Acceptance comes to us at different timetables and in different ways, give it time.  I'm sorry, I know it's hard.

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SashaS   
7 minutes ago, KayC said:

Sasha,

I hear you say you wait for him and that breaks my heart.  Acceptance comes to us at different timetables and in different ways, give it time.  I'm sorry, I know it's hard.

Thank you KayC! There is no other way! Give it time! 

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Lulu   
37 minutes ago, KayC said:

I hope that for you too, it may take time, but I believe He will supply your needs even as He has mine.

I hope so, KayC, I really do. It's hard to accept things. just when I think I am getting a handle on things, the simplest reminder will trigger the pain and loss. During lunch today, I went to a fast food restaurant nearby and I've been to it a couple times since Lily's passing, but today, it hit me that she would no longer visit it or ask me to bring her something from it. She ate healthily most of the time, but it was one of her favorite indulgences. She'd send me a text, I have a craving....and I knew what she meant. Whenever I'd buy just a simple tshirt, something to wear around the house, she'd always say Did you get me one, too? She was so cute! And of course, I'd say, I sure did! I bought a tshirt the other day and I only needed one...it reminded me she is no longer here. Also, it's a new shirt she has not seen, will not see. Something new in the house without her. She was always in the present, now she is in the past? No, I can't think or accept that. I say she is here with me, she will always be here with me, but I feel terrible that I don't really 'feel' her like so many others say they do about their deceased loved ones. Why? Is there something wrong with me? Will God not allow  her to come to me? I will continue to talk to her and maybe one day...

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KMB   

Lulu,

5 hours ago, Lulu said:

No, I can't think or accept that. I say she is here with me, she will always be here with me, but I feel terrible that I don't really 'feel' her like so many others say they do about their deceased loved ones. Why? Is there something wrong with me? Will God not allow  her to come to me? I will continue to talk to her and maybe one day...

There is nothing wrong with you! Don't ever think that about yourself! Lily is always going to be with you spiritually. In time, when you are not grieving as intensely as you are, you'll be able to sense or feel her presence. Keep talking to Lily, she does hear and see you.  (HUGS)

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KayC   

She is with you whether you feel anything or not, mostly it is a going by faith thing, not a feeling thing anyway.  Nothing wrong with you at all!

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