Lulu

Lost my soulmate

312 posts in this topic

5 hours ago, Lulu said:

I too prayed and prayed for God to make her better. She was hanging on and all we could do was pray. Treatment was stopped so only God could make her better. I often thought is this God giving us extra time to do something for her. We asked him to save her and to let us help her, so what if He said, here is more time, do something! Show me you will do whatever you can for her. I wish I could have but I had no say! Her family seemed to just want to hurry things along! I've kept that to myself but it's how I felt then and I how I feel now. I hope she forgives me for thinking it and I hope she forgives them for not fighting for her (just like she thought). I also pray to God to help me get over this anger and resentment, and to help her family as well move forward. It is just so painful to see someone act like they were the suffering martyr when it was Lily who was the one suffering and going through the pain. I pray that she has forgiven them and that she sends me a sign that she is in peace and is well.

We felt so strong together struggling the sickness. I was always there giving him hope that the things will get better for us. With that hope I left him to arrange things for a better place, for better treatment. I didn't know that goodbye, that hug, that kiss would be the last ones for us. I didn't know that without me by his side he felt weak and something else was going to take my place.

Maybe God wanted to be protective toward me. He knows my love for him and my hurt seeing him going and he spared me that suffer.

Maybe he didn't want me to see him like this and to have those bad memories but good ones. 

I don't feel guilty that I left him his last moments because I left him to find hope. I don't feel sad we didn't say goodbye. We said that somehow. But I feel very bad that I wasn't there to give him hope. Maybe the death woudn't come. 

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Hi Lulu

Just wanted to say hello. It doesn't really make your pain any easier but I wanted to tell you I am going through pretty much what you are. I was also the introvert in our relationship. He was so confident so out there, but yet only wanted to spend time with me. We spent all our time together, not very healthy I guess, but we only wanted to be with one another. Not many people even knew we were in a relationship together, some may not have approved, but we were so much in love. I cherish the love letter he wrote me before he died. That and some photos, and a short video clip of him dancing. We loved to dance.

Almost every night we would put the music on and dance the night away. We'd make supper together, he loved to cook, loved to teach me how to cook, then we'd dance, we'd watch a little tv before falling sleep together. He was the most perfect partner I could have wished for. Then God took him from me. His family ignore me, and my family didn't really know him.  But he was remarkable, and the love of my life. I also sit here alone grieving and don't know how to carry on.

We just loved to be together. Don't know how to carry on without him either. So lonely. Just thought I'd share that I can relate so all to what you are going through.

Hugs

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15 hours ago, Kjayne said:

Hi Lulu

Just wanted to say hello. It doesn't really make your pain any easier but I wanted to tell you I am going through pretty much what you are. I was also the introvert in our relationship. He was so confident so out there, but yet only wanted to spend time with me. We spent all our time together, not very healthy I guess, but we only wanted to be with one another. Not many people even knew we were in a relationship together, some may not have approved, but we were so much in love. I cherish the love letter he wrote me before he died. That and some photos, and a short video clip of him dancing. We loved to dance.

Almost every night we would put the music on and dance the night away. We'd make supper together, he loved to cook, loved to teach me how to cook, then we'd dance, we'd watch a little tv before falling sleep together. He was the most perfect partner I could have wished for. Then God took him from me. His family ignore me, and my family didn't really know him.  But he was remarkable, and the love of my life. I also sit here alone grieving and don't know how to carry on.

We just loved to be together. Don't know how to carry on without him either. So lonely. Just thought I'd share that I can relate so all to what you are going through.

Hugs

Thank you. It's good to know that someone else has a glimpse of what I am going through in grieving alone. I have been feeling like I was getting a grip on how to move forward, trusting in God and His plan, remembering that Lily is in a better place and that she still with me spiritually. But today I just seem to be having a bad day. I shared my loss, well that I've lost my best friend, with a few ladies at church. They were kind and tried to comfort me and embraced me, allowing me to cry on their shoulders but it really didn't take the pain away. They didn't tell me anything I don't already know or have been telling myself. I know she is in Heaven, I know she's not having to deal with struggle or pain, and God knows best. But my pain is deep. I came home and I decided to look at a couple videos from when she was in the hospital earlier this year. They tore me up. I broke down. These are the only videos I have of her and they are painful to watch. To see her trying to get better and be strong, smiling but seeing the effects of the disease and meds. She only says a few words as people were singing to her and she was listening and would sing along with a few words. If I want to see her and hear her sweet voice, this is all I have but it breaks my heart. My sweet Lily. Why did this happen to you? This morning I asked God to reverse everything that happened, for me to wake up tomorrow and have her back, healthy and happy and strong. He can do all, why not do this. I just want her back!!

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Lulu I'm kind of in and out of here because I honestly don't know where my head is, but just wanted to give you a shout out because if not for your story with Lily I probably wouldn't even be here. So thanks, and just know someone knows the feeling of not having a say in a relationship you shared with the person you love. I 100% feel the love the two of you shared. 

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We have to remember that we all are temporary in this world. Our beloved ones have gone first. We will meet them again! That's my consolation now. 

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8 hours ago, SashaS said:

We have to remember that we all are temporary in this world. Our beloved ones have gone first. We will meet them again! That's my consolation now. 

I remember feeling exactly the way LuLu is saying, wishing I could wake up and everything would be back like it was and I'd discover this is all a bad dream, George would hold me and then we'd go on about our day.  But pinch myself as I would, the nightmare never ended.  What you say, Sasha, is my hope and consolation.

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16 hours ago, Lulu said:

Why did this happen to you? This morning I asked God to reverse everything that happened, for me to wake up tomorrow and have her back, healthy and happy and strong. He can do all, why not do this. I just want her back!!

I have the same feelings about Lori. I want her back so badly and get into the thought patterns that I would do anything to have her back. To bring her here to me. But then I think "Why would I pull her from pure joy. Pure bliss. A perfect eternity. I struggle with my own desire to have her here but then instantly reflect that I am overjoyed that she is in Paradise and I wouldn't want her to be anywhere else but perfection. I struggle with these thoughts.

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11 hours ago, SweetBear said:

Lulu I'm kind of in and out of here because I honestly don't know where my head is, but just wanted to give you a shout out because if not for your story with Lily I probably wouldn't even be here. So thanks, and just know someone knows the feeling of not having a say in a relationship you shared with the person you love. I 100% feel the love the two of you shared. 

Thank you, SweetBear. This means a lot to me.

10 hours ago, SashaS said:

We have to remember that we all are temporary in this world. Our beloved ones have gone first. We will meet them again! That's my consolation now. 

Yes, I try to remember this every day and I tell myself one day we will be reunited for eternal happiness! That's all I want for Lily, eternal happiness!

1 hour ago, Eagle-96 said:

I have the same feelings about Lori. I want her back so badly and get into the thought patterns that I would do anything to have her back. To bring her here to me. But then I think "Why would I pull her from pure joy. Pure bliss. A perfect eternity. I struggle with my own desire to have her here but then instantly reflect that I am overjoyed that she is in Paradise and I wouldn't want her to be anywhere else but perfection. I struggle with these thoughts.

I seem to go through these thoughts on a regular basis every single day. I want her back because I miss her so much in my life. I feel empty and incomplete, but then I tell myself that she is happy! Not only does she have no more pain or anguish, but she doesn't have to struggle or work so hard every day. She no longer has to keep sharing her sunshine and joy for life with sour people who only live to bring you down because they can't stand to somone so happy. I don't want to take her from that either to come back to this hard world. She deserves the happiness and peace and love she is surrounded with in Heaven. I also tell myself, if she were to come back, I would have to go through this again at some point in the future again. Or even worse, she would  have to go through it if I left her! Why would I want to take her from Heaven to leave her here all alone! No, I just have to learn to move forward and remind myself I am not alone. I have her and I  have God with me. And I have the wonderful and understanding friends I have made here to help keep me going as well. Thank you all!

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Well said Lulu! They didn't deserve this unfair life. 

Even we don't see them, they are with us because we are united spiritually. But one  day, we will meet them again! 

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1 hour ago, Lulu said:

I just have to learn to move forward and remind myself I am not alone. I have her and I  have God with me. And I have the wonderful and understanding friends I have made here to help keep me going as well. Thank you all!

Thank you, Lulu. Great summary of the very basics of our losses. We want our beloveds here with us, but not the suffering and health conditions they endured. They cannot come back and we cannot go to them until it is our time. We are stuck here and it hurts every second.

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1 hour ago, SashaS said:

Even we don't see them, they are with us because we are united spiritually. But one  day, we will meet them again! 

Thank you, Sasha.

3 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

 But then I think "Why would I pull her from pure joy. Pure bliss. A perfect eternity. I struggle with my own desire to have her here but then instantly reflect that I am overjoyed that she is in Paradise and I wouldn't want her to be anywhere else but perfection. I struggle with these thoughts.

Thank you, Eagle. "Struggling" is our existence now, but knowing our loved ones are in Paradise is our selfless sacrifice of love.

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19 minutes ago, KMB said:

Thank you, Sasha.

Thank you, Eagle. "Struggling" is our existence now, but knowing our loved ones are in Paradise is our selfless sacrifice of love.

I have said it before but me being here and taking the pain so Lori doesn't have to if the situation was reversed is the last act of love I can perform for her. As bad as it hurts and as hard as it is, I would take a lifetime of pain so she doesn't have to. I would do anything for Lori. Even this.

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