Lulu

Lost my soulmate

315 posts in this topic

11 hours ago, Stoney said:

I lost my soulmate and best friend 10 weeks ago, suddenly. He had just turned 47 and was without a doubt the most amazing man I had ever met.   I have never been involved in anything so heartbreaking in my life.  His life could of been made into a movie.  He was tranquil, very intelligent and called himself a Zombie.  He dealt with a very unique disability day in and day out, long before we met.   Our love affair began on April 23, 2015 and from that day forward we talked constantly, through email at first then through text until I got up enough nerve to travel three hours to meet this intriguing Zombie.  From there on he had my heart. Our love story is beyond words. I don't have the know how to put it on paper but I will just say it would make "The Notebook" seam like a comedy.  Then, 10 weeks ago he went to sleep and never woke up.  The circumstances surrounding his death are left questionable in my mind and needless to say, I'm heartbroken.   I have found myself with no one to talk to because no one I know has ever been in this situation and it leaves you to grieve TOTALLY on your own.  I think of him constantly.  Every second is filled with his memory.  I go to work and fight back tears.  Sometimes I can't control them.  I am living in a nightmare right now.  One I never wake from.

Stoney,

I am so sorry for your loss. Sudden death is very traumatic as we are left without a chance to say goodbye. We are here for you and understand some of what you are going through. I lost my wife suddenly on 04/01/17 so I know of the shock this can cause. I know it seems that you have no one to talk to but you have us now and I hope that we can be a comfort to you during your journey. Please come here to talk, vent, cry, scream, seek advice, etc... I know we can't fill the void left by the loss of your precious fiance but we will walk this road with you and carry you when you need it.

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16 hours ago, Stoney said:

I lost my soulmate and best friend 10 weeks ago, suddenly. He had just turned 47 and was without a doubt the most amazing man I had ever met.   I have never been involved in anything so heartbreaking in my life.  His life could of been made into a movie.  He was tranquil, very intelligent and called himself a Zombie.  He dealt with a very unique disability day in and day out, long before we met.   Our love affair began on April 23, 2015 and from that day forward we talked constantly, through email at first then through text until I got up enough nerve to travel three hours to meet this intriguing Zombie.  From there on he had my heart. Our love story is beyond words. I don't have the know how to put it on paper but I will just say it would make "The Notebook" seam like a comedy.  Then, 10 weeks ago he went to sleep and never woke up.  The circumstances surrounding his death are left questionable in my mind and needless to say, I'm heartbroken.   I have found myself with no one to talk to because no one I know has ever been in this situation and it leaves you to grieve TOTALLY on your own.  I think of him constantly.  Every second is filled with his memory.  I go to work and fight back tears.  Sometimes I can't control them.  I am living in a nightmare right now.  One I never wake from.

I am so sorry for what you are going through in losing your soulmate and love. I too am still struggling with so many questions but unfortunately, I've come to realize I will never get the answers I seek. I think about my Lily every free moment I have. I cry everyday and talk to her and ask her to please talk to me, to show me a sign that she is okay, that I will be okay. One day, I hope to be able to wake up without feeling so much pain, loneliness, and sadness. I tend to think about her final days and it causes me so much pain to remember her suffering and yet having so much hope that she would get better. I wish I knew that she had made peace with what was to come. It breaks my heart to think that such a sweet and wonderful person had to go through so much pain and emotional anguish, some of which was caused by her own family. I have been trying not to think about those moments and focus on the happy times, but then I get so sad that there will not be any more of those times with her, physically here. What it comes down to, is that I just want  her here with me now.   I miss seeing her sitting in her favorite chair, watching tv or reading on her phone. I miss coming home and having her call out to me, letting me know she's already home. I miss coming home early and waiting on her and then hearing the door open and feeling the joy of having my Lily home. I'd come to the door and help her in, grab her bag and say Hey! I just miss her so much and wish she was here!

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Stoney,  You can talk to us here, we know the pain, loneliness, all the other emotions and thoughts that go with losing our soulmate. We are our own grief family here. I am deeply sorry for your loss. This is the hardest trial of our lives and a rough road ahead. I lost my husband suddenly also, cardiac arrest. I was in shock, disbelief, for a long time. Battling with anxiety attacks, crying buckets of tears, depression. It will be a year for me next month and I still go through the waves of grief. It is like a continual nightmare and I always wish to wake up and find my husband by my side. I understand how hard it is to be at work, have that mask on for everyone else and fighting the tears, the meltdowns, at the same time. This is by no means easy. Be patient and kind with yourself. The best advice is one day at a time. Prayers of comfort and peace------

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On 7/10/2017 at 10:39 AM, KMB said:

It isn't easy trying to keep a more positive perspective with our grieving.

For sure!  It's an art that takes learning and practice.  I started this on day 11 and I'm glad I did because it changed me, but nothing about it was quick or easy!

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Stoney,

I love hearing about your love story.  

Lulu,

We were caught off guard, we didn't know he was going to die, at least not until that last day, I think he knew the day before but I wasn't there yet.  I was praying for him when he died.  I felt bitter at first about that, but I finally accepted that what happened, happened, I can't understand it and don't try to, it is what it is.  We all come to our own conclusion about how best to process this, how best to live with it, whatever way brings us the most peace.  I hope you find your way.

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KayC, I am trying but it is so difficult. This is the most difficult and painful thing I have had to go through. There are so many emotions involved, as you know. I have worked so hard to not be angry or feel guilt about what I could have done better or differently to change the outcome, because no matter what she will not come back. The anger I've had has been for her family and doctors and to honor her, I have tried to move past it and no hold it against her family. They were not perfect and she knew this and recognized their shortcomings while she was in the hospital but she still loved them despite their selfishness. I just hate to think about the tears they caused her and maybe how they helped to speed her along instead of fighting for one more chance. In the end, God welcomed her home  where he could take care of her and she would no longer have to suffer. That I do know and I try to remind myself of to help keep me going. It's just so hard to go through each day so alone without the one person that was always there. The one person I would be turning to in this moment. I just ask why, but I know I won't get an answer.

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Lulu,

5 hours ago, Lulu said:

This is the most difficult and painful thing I have had to go through

You are so right. We all feel that way. Going through this journey of grieving is a lesson in building our strength of character. Whatever life throws at us in the future, we will have the utmost strength and fortitude to deal with it, because we are going through the worst that life can dish out right now. We are all somehow, in our own ways, surviving and learning lessons at the same time.

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I thought I was getting through each day just a little bit easier, but this week has just been terrible. The pain and tears are ever present, just under the surface, ready to spill over at any second. I wish I knew how to make things better for myself, but there isn't anything I can do. I feel like I have no purpose right now. I just get up and go to work and go back home. On Sunday, go to church and go back home. I can't believe this is what God wants for me.

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14 minutes ago, Lulu said:

I thought I was getting through each day just a little bit easier, but this week has just been terrible. The pain and tears are ever present, just under the surface, ready to spill over at any second. I wish I knew how to make things better for myself, but there isn't anything I can do. I feel like I have no purpose right now. I just get up and go to work and go back home. On Sunday, go to church and go back home. I can't believe this is what God wants for me.

We have lost love! Love is above everything! We have to find a new equilibrium without love. Crying is part of grieving! I do that every day. Some days more and some others less. But this doesnt change our situation. We have also lost the ability to enjoy this life, to be happy. Am I going to be happy again?! I dont know!

God gives us challenges. We have to deal with.  At least we have to try! 

 

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3 hours ago, Lulu said:

thought I was getting through each day just a little bit easier, but this week has just been terrible.

This grief journey is nothing but ups and downs. Just when you think you've taken a step forward, something hits you and you feel like you've taken 10 steps backwards. That's completely normal. It's so hard but normal. I still cry every day but sometimes not as hard or not as long. But the pain and sadness are still there. I look forward to the time when there will be more "good" days than bad. 

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On 7/12/2017 at 7:11 AM, Lulu said:

KayC, I am trying but it is so difficult. This is the most difficult and painful thing I have had to go through. There are so many emotions involved, as you know. I have worked so hard to not be angry or feel guilt about what I could have done better or differently to change the outcome, because no matter what she will not come back. The anger I've had has been for her family and doctors and to honor her, I have tried to move past it and no hold it against her family. They were not perfect and she knew this and recognized their shortcomings while she was in the hospital but she still loved them despite their selfishness. I just hate to think about the tears they caused her and maybe how they helped to speed her along instead of fighting for one more chance. In the end, God welcomed her home  where he could take care of her and she would no longer have to suffer. That I do know and I try to remind myself of to help keep me going. It's just so hard to go through each day so alone without the one person that was always there. The one person I would be turning to in this moment. I just ask why, but I know I won't get an answer.

Lulu,

Of course you're not there yet...it took me probably a year to accept and get over my anger towards God, which justifiably or not, was.  This is all a process, keep working at it, it'll all evolve as it should eventually.  Be patient with yourself, and oh so understanding of yourself, you need and deserve it.  I know the one person we would turn to is the person we don't have.  (((hugs)))

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On 7/12/2017 at 8:18 PM, HHFaith said:

This grief journey is nothing but ups and downs. Just when you think you've taken a step forward, something hits you and you feel like you've taken 10 steps backwards. That's completely normal. It's so hard but normal. I still cry every day but sometimes not as hard or not as long. But the pain and sadness are still there. I look forward to the time when there will be more "good" days than bad. 

I tend to think about Lily's time in the hospital and it keeps me from moving forward. It's a painful time and I just can't seem to stop thinking about it. I catch myself and force myself to think of something else and I remind myself that she is better in Heaven. I really do believe that but I just wish I could talk with her and hear her sweet voice.

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On 7/14/2017 at 6:39 PM, Lulu said:

I tend to think about Lily's time in the hospital and it keeps me from moving forward. It's a painful time and I just can't seem to stop thinking about it. I catch myself and force myself to think of something else and I remind myself that she is better in Heaven. I really do believe that but I just wish I could talk with her and hear her sweet voice.

Lulu,

That has been key for me. Whenever I go back to the moment I found Lori in the bathroom until she passed 7 hours later I have to force myself to focus on something else. As I have said before, I try not to avoid grief but the thoughts of those seven hours are not therapeutic for me. If you have to, write down the 5 or 10 happiest times or memories of you and Lily together and keep it nearby. When you start to think of that terrible time of her in the hospital, try to pick one of those memories and focus on that.

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7 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

Lulu,

That has been key for me. Whenever I go back to the moment I found Lori in the bathroom until she passed 7 hours later I have to force myself to focus on something else. As I have said before, I try not to avoid grief but the thoughts of those seven hours are not therapeutic for me. If you have to, write down the 5 or 10 happiest times or memories of you and Lily together and keep it nearby. When you start to think of that terrible time of her in the hospital, try to pick one of those memories and focus on that.

Thanks. I find myself in a cycle where I do well not to think about that time and just focus on the now and trying to move forward without her. Yet, there are days, when I can't stop thinking about her time in the hospital and the pain she suffered through, both physical and emotional. I think the emotional and mental anguish she went through hits me the hardest because you can medicate to stop the physical pain but you can't stop the emotional or mental pain and it stays with you longer. Seeing her in any kind of pain hurt me so much and I would do anything to prevent and stop it. In those moments, there was nothing I could do for her. All I could do was be by her side and tell her everything was going to be okay and that I would never leave her, which I was able to do, thank God.

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I can't get the image or sounds of my husband taking his last breath while having a massive heart attack. I can picture it all over and over again . I tried to revive him as well while waiting on the ambulance. I was told by a grief counselor if I was thinking about it to think of it in black and white. Sounds a little crazy to me but we are all so desperate for some type of relief I thought I would mention it. Most of the time I just shake my head trying to get it out. As much as I hate reliving that horrible image I am grateful because I was able to be with him while he left this world and he was not alone . I loved him so much.

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Lulu and Dian, It helps to remind ourselves that our loved ones are no longer in pain, emotional and mental anguish or suffering in any way. They are at peace in Heaven now. Everyone leaves this life in some manner. Some leave it the hard way and some leave quietly in their sleep. We, ourselves, have no way of knowing how we are going to leave and what our loved ones will witness.  Our loved ones do not want for us to remember how they left, but rather how they lived and loved. That is the best way for us to honor them, with the legacy of love and memories they gave us.  (HUGS)

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3 hours ago, Dian said:

I can't get the image or sounds of my husband taking his last breath while having a massive heart attack. I can picture it all over and over again . I tried to revive him as well while waiting on the ambulance. I was told by a grief counselor if I was thinking about it to think of it in black and white. Sounds a little crazy to me but we are all so desperate for some type of relief I thought I would mention it. Most of the time I just shake my head trying to get it out. As much as I hate reliving that horrible image I am grateful because I was able to be with him while he left this world and he was not alone . I loved him so much.

I find myself almost finding some smidgen of relief from the emptiness and then the whole nightmare floods back in. Bev on the bed but not responding, putting her on the floor to start CPR. The 911 operator counting the chest compression's. The whole paramedic scene, them taking her out of the house with all the stuff attached and keeping her alive. The SICU room. But then I go to the same place as you. I was there those last three days when nobody else was (except when the cousin could finally manage to get here). I called, I came to see her and to talk to her and hold her hand.  And I was there holding her hand when she left this world. While I never expected it to end this soon, I told her many times I'd be there until the end. 

I don't even dream in black and white, so no chance turning all this real life experience into B&W. 

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I don't know about the psychology of it all, all I know is whatever those last moment are, we relive them, over and over and over again.  They haunt us.  After 12 years it's faded a tiny bit, but still there.  They were shocking him, doing compressions, everything to try and save him when they threw me out and locked the door behind me.  It's always haunted me that in his greatest need, I was denied being able to be with him.  Did he think I deserted him?  Or did it bring him a tiny essence of relief to not have to worry about me or my reactions and focus on what he was going through?  I don't know, I guess I have to wait a lifetime to find out.  I only know when we are together again, heaven will exist only to us, for to us two, we'll be the only ones that exist.  Sigh...

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14 hours ago, Dian said:

 As much as I hate reliving that horrible image I am grateful because I was able to be with him while he left this world and he was not alone . I loved him so much.

As painful as those last moments were for me, I too wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. I got to be there with Lori. I was by her side and fighting right along with her to keep her here. The love of my life WAS NOT ALONE. I was there where I always was and I will cherish the thought that I may have provided some small bit of comfort to her. 

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40 minutes ago, Eagle-96 said:

As painful as those last moments were for me, I too wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. I got to be there with Lori. I was by her side and fighting right along with her to keep her here. The love of my life WAS NOT ALONE. I was there where I always was and I will cherish the thought that I may have provided some small bit of comfort to her. 

I, too, am glad I was able to be there by her side through it all. I slept by her side at the hospital and hospice and hardly ever left. No matter what happened, I wanted to make sure she knew I was there for her and I know she wanted me there because she told me so. I am glad God allowed me to be there for her since her family wanted to take her elsewhere but the doctors said no. I know God made that happen for us and I thank  Him for it everyday.

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The death stoled him from me just some hours I was away from him. I was with him every second of his sickness but the first time I moved to do some arrangments for a better clinic, I lost him. I don't know which is hardiest being or not being there but I know that and without any memories is still hard. 

But I'm trying to move forward without my love. I have two children to take care and they have lost their father and their grandmother in a couple of months. They don't need a sad face everyday in front of them. They need and have the right to be happy. 

This forum was helpful to me! I struggled several months to find a reason why God punished my family being apart. A friend helped me to understand that wasn't a punishment. They left us this life because they had accomplished their mission on earth and the future might have been to hard for them and our family to see them suffering. We have a lot of good memories together! 

I know that this pain is as a rollercoaster that comes and goes. It is not easy! But living with our beloved ones we have learned to leave with love. And this love and with the help of God we will find a way to continue. Nobody is eternal! Soon or later we will meet them again! 

 

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2 hours ago, SashaS said:

The death stoled him from me just some hours I was away from him. I was with him every second of his sickness but the first time I moved to do some arrangments for a better clinic, I lost him. I don't know which is hardiest being or not being there but I know that and without any memories is still hard. 

But I'm trying to move forward without my love. I have two children to take care and they have lost their father and their grandmother in a couple of months. They don't need a sad face everyday in front of them. They need and have the right to be happy. 

This forum was helpful to me! I struggled several months to find a reason why God punished my family being apart. A friend helped me to understand that wasn't a punishment. They left us this life because they had accomplished their mission on earth and the future might have been to hard for them and our family to see them suffering. We have a lot of good memories together! 

I know that this pain is as a rollercoaster that comes and goes. It is not easy! But living with our beloved ones we have learned to leave with love. And this love and with the help of God we will find a way to continue. Nobody is eternal! Soon or later we will meet them again! 

 

I don't know how I would be handling things if she had passed away when I wasn't with her. This is part of why I hardly left her side. I only left maybe two or three times once it looked like the time was near.  The other reason is that I just wanted to have as much time with Lily as possible since I knew our time together, her time on earth was short. When I say we had almost 20 years together, the number seems like a long time, but in reality, the time seems so short. It went by so fast and I how I wish for more time with her.

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2 hours ago, Lulu said:

I don't know how I would be handling things if she had passed away when I wasn't with her. This is part of why I hardly left her side. I only left maybe two or three times once it looked like the time was near.  The other reason is that I just wanted to have as much time with Lily as possible since I knew our time together, her time on earth was short. When I say we had almost 20 years together, the number seems like a long time, but in reality, the time seems so short. It went by so fast and I how I wish for more time with her.

I didn't know that he was at the end. Everything happened so unfairly. He had that unexpected internal bleeding which took his life. That's it seems to me like he was stolen from me. 

We had together too for almost 20 years but in reality to me looks like 20 days. When he was sick I wished and I prayed so much for more time with him but this wish did not come true for us. 

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21 hours ago, SashaS said:

The death stoled him from me just some hours I was away from him. I was with him every second of his sickness but the first time I moved to do some arrangments for a better clinic, I lost him.

Reading this made me think of this article:

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-coping-with-moment-of-death.html

I wish I could have been there in his final moment but that option was ripped from me.  One consolation is perhaps it allowed him to focus easier on his final transition. 
 

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On 7/18/2017 at 4:15 PM, SashaS said:

I didn't know that he was at the end. Everything happened so unfairly. He had that unexpected internal bleeding which took his life. That's it seems to me like he was stolen from me. 

We had together too for almost 20 years but in reality to me looks like 20 days. When he was sick I wished and I prayed so much for more time with him but this wish did not come true for us. 

I too prayed and prayed for God to make her better. She was hanging on and all we could do was pray. Treatment was stopped so only God could make her better. I often thought is this God giving us extra time to do something for her. We asked him to save her and to let us help her, so what if He said, here is more time, do something! Show me you will do whatever you can for her. I wish I could have but I had no say! Her family seemed to just want to hurry things along! I've kept that to myself but it's how I felt then and I how I feel now. I hope she forgives me for thinking it and I hope she forgives them for not fighting for her (just like she thought). I also pray to God to help me get over this anger and resentment, and to help her family as well move forward. It is just so painful to see someone act like they were the suffering martyr when it was Lily who was the one suffering and going through the pain. I pray that she has forgiven them and that she sends me a sign that she is in peace and is well.

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