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Lost my soulmate


Lulu

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5 hours ago, Lulu said:

I too prayed and prayed for God to make her better. She was hanging on and all we could do was pray. Treatment was stopped so only God could make her better. I often thought is this God giving us extra time to do something for her. We asked him to save her and to let us help her, so what if He said, here is more time, do something! Show me you will do whatever you can for her. I wish I could have but I had no say! Her family seemed to just want to hurry things along! I've kept that to myself but it's how I felt then and I how I feel now. I hope she forgives me for thinking it and I hope she forgives them for not fighting for her (just like she thought). I also pray to God to help me get over this anger and resentment, and to help her family as well move forward. It is just so painful to see someone act like they were the suffering martyr when it was Lily who was the one suffering and going through the pain. I pray that she has forgiven them and that she sends me a sign that she is in peace and is well.

We felt so strong together struggling the sickness. I was always there giving him hope that the things will get better for us. With that hope I left him to arrange things for a better place, for better treatment. I didn't know that goodbye, that hug, that kiss would be the last ones for us. I didn't know that without me by his side he felt weak and something else was going to take my place.

Maybe God wanted to be protective toward me. He knows my love for him and my hurt seeing him going and he spared me that suffer.

Maybe he didn't want me to see him like this and to have those bad memories but good ones. 

I don't feel guilty that I left him his last moments because I left him to find hope. I don't feel sad we didn't say goodbye. We said that somehow. But I feel very bad that I wasn't there to give him hope. Maybe the death woudn't come. 

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Hi Lulu

Just wanted to say hello. It doesn't really make your pain any easier but I wanted to tell you I am going through pretty much what you are. I was also the introvert in our relationship. He was so confident so out there, but yet only wanted to spend time with me. We spent all our time together, not very healthy I guess, but we only wanted to be with one another. Not many people even knew we were in a relationship together, some may not have approved, but we were so much in love. I cherish the love letter he wrote me before he died. That and some photos, and a short video clip of him dancing. We loved to dance.

Almost every night we would put the music on and dance the night away. We'd make supper together, he loved to cook, loved to teach me how to cook, then we'd dance, we'd watch a little tv before falling sleep together. He was the most perfect partner I could have wished for. Then God took him from me. His family ignore me, and my family didn't really know him.  But he was remarkable, and the love of my life. I also sit here alone grieving and don't know how to carry on.

We just loved to be together. Don't know how to carry on without him either. So lonely. Just thought I'd share that I can relate so all to what you are going through.

Hugs

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15 hours ago, Kjayne said:

Hi Lulu

Just wanted to say hello. It doesn't really make your pain any easier but I wanted to tell you I am going through pretty much what you are. I was also the introvert in our relationship. He was so confident so out there, but yet only wanted to spend time with me. We spent all our time together, not very healthy I guess, but we only wanted to be with one another. Not many people even knew we were in a relationship together, some may not have approved, but we were so much in love. I cherish the love letter he wrote me before he died. That and some photos, and a short video clip of him dancing. We loved to dance.

Almost every night we would put the music on and dance the night away. We'd make supper together, he loved to cook, loved to teach me how to cook, then we'd dance, we'd watch a little tv before falling sleep together. He was the most perfect partner I could have wished for. Then God took him from me. His family ignore me, and my family didn't really know him.  But he was remarkable, and the love of my life. I also sit here alone grieving and don't know how to carry on.

We just loved to be together. Don't know how to carry on without him either. So lonely. Just thought I'd share that I can relate so all to what you are going through.

Hugs

Thank you. It's good to know that someone else has a glimpse of what I am going through in grieving alone. I have been feeling like I was getting a grip on how to move forward, trusting in God and His plan, remembering that Lily is in a better place and that she still with me spiritually. But today I just seem to be having a bad day. I shared my loss, well that I've lost my best friend, with a few ladies at church. They were kind and tried to comfort me and embraced me, allowing me to cry on their shoulders but it really didn't take the pain away. They didn't tell me anything I don't already know or have been telling myself. I know she is in Heaven, I know she's not having to deal with struggle or pain, and God knows best. But my pain is deep. I came home and I decided to look at a couple videos from when she was in the hospital earlier this year. They tore me up. I broke down. These are the only videos I have of her and they are painful to watch. To see her trying to get better and be strong, smiling but seeing the effects of the disease and meds. She only says a few words as people were singing to her and she was listening and would sing along with a few words. If I want to see her and hear her sweet voice, this is all I have but it breaks my heart. My sweet Lily. Why did this happen to you? This morning I asked God to reverse everything that happened, for me to wake up tomorrow and have her back, healthy and happy and strong. He can do all, why not do this. I just want her back!!

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Lulu I'm kind of in and out of here because I honestly don't know where my head is, but just wanted to give you a shout out because if not for your story with Lily I probably wouldn't even be here. So thanks, and just know someone knows the feeling of not having a say in a relationship you shared with the person you love. I 100% feel the love the two of you shared. 

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We have to remember that we all are temporary in this world. Our beloved ones have gone first. We will meet them again! That's my consolation now. 

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8 hours ago, SashaS said:

We have to remember that we all are temporary in this world. Our beloved ones have gone first. We will meet them again! That's my consolation now. 

I remember feeling exactly the way LuLu is saying, wishing I could wake up and everything would be back like it was and I'd discover this is all a bad dream, George would hold me and then we'd go on about our day.  But pinch myself as I would, the nightmare never ended.  What you say, Sasha, is my hope and consolation.

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16 hours ago, Lulu said:

Why did this happen to you? This morning I asked God to reverse everything that happened, for me to wake up tomorrow and have her back, healthy and happy and strong. He can do all, why not do this. I just want her back!!

I have the same feelings about Lori. I want her back so badly and get into the thought patterns that I would do anything to have her back. To bring her here to me. But then I think "Why would I pull her from pure joy. Pure bliss. A perfect eternity. I struggle with my own desire to have her here but then instantly reflect that I am overjoyed that she is in Paradise and I wouldn't want her to be anywhere else but perfection. I struggle with these thoughts.

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11 hours ago, SweetBear said:

Lulu I'm kind of in and out of here because I honestly don't know where my head is, but just wanted to give you a shout out because if not for your story with Lily I probably wouldn't even be here. So thanks, and just know someone knows the feeling of not having a say in a relationship you shared with the person you love. I 100% feel the love the two of you shared. 

Thank you, SweetBear. This means a lot to me.

10 hours ago, SashaS said:

We have to remember that we all are temporary in this world. Our beloved ones have gone first. We will meet them again! That's my consolation now. 

Yes, I try to remember this every day and I tell myself one day we will be reunited for eternal happiness! That's all I want for Lily, eternal happiness!

1 hour ago, Eagle-96 said:

I have the same feelings about Lori. I want her back so badly and get into the thought patterns that I would do anything to have her back. To bring her here to me. But then I think "Why would I pull her from pure joy. Pure bliss. A perfect eternity. I struggle with my own desire to have her here but then instantly reflect that I am overjoyed that she is in Paradise and I wouldn't want her to be anywhere else but perfection. I struggle with these thoughts.

I seem to go through these thoughts on a regular basis every single day. I want her back because I miss her so much in my life. I feel empty and incomplete, but then I tell myself that she is happy! Not only does she have no more pain or anguish, but she doesn't have to struggle or work so hard every day. She no longer has to keep sharing her sunshine and joy for life with sour people who only live to bring you down because they can't stand to somone so happy. I don't want to take her from that either to come back to this hard world. She deserves the happiness and peace and love she is surrounded with in Heaven. I also tell myself, if she were to come back, I would have to go through this again at some point in the future again. Or even worse, she would  have to go through it if I left her! Why would I want to take her from Heaven to leave her here all alone! No, I just have to learn to move forward and remind myself I am not alone. I have her and I  have God with me. And I have the wonderful and understanding friends I have made here to help keep me going as well. Thank you all!

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Well said Lulu! They didn't deserve this unfair life. 

Even we don't see them, they are with us because we are united spiritually. But one  day, we will meet them again! 

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1 hour ago, Lulu said:

I just have to learn to move forward and remind myself I am not alone. I have her and I  have God with me. And I have the wonderful and understanding friends I have made here to help keep me going as well. Thank you all!

Thank you, Lulu. Great summary of the very basics of our losses. We want our beloveds here with us, but not the suffering and health conditions they endured. They cannot come back and we cannot go to them until it is our time. We are stuck here and it hurts every second.

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1 hour ago, SashaS said:

Even we don't see them, they are with us because we are united spiritually. But one  day, we will meet them again! 

Thank you, Sasha.

3 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

 But then I think "Why would I pull her from pure joy. Pure bliss. A perfect eternity. I struggle with my own desire to have her here but then instantly reflect that I am overjoyed that she is in Paradise and I wouldn't want her to be anywhere else but perfection. I struggle with these thoughts.

Thank you, Eagle. "Struggling" is our existence now, but knowing our loved ones are in Paradise is our selfless sacrifice of love.

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19 minutes ago, KMB said:

Thank you, Sasha.

Thank you, Eagle. "Struggling" is our existence now, but knowing our loved ones are in Paradise is our selfless sacrifice of love.

I have said it before but me being here and taking the pain so Lori doesn't have to if the situation was reversed is the last act of love I can perform for her. As bad as it hurts and as hard as it is, I would take a lifetime of pain so she doesn't have to. I would do anything for Lori. Even this.

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bradley1985
14 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

I have the same feelings about Lori. I want her back so badly and get into the thought patterns that I would do anything to have her back. To bring her here to me. But then I think "Why would I pull her from pure joy. Pure bliss. A perfect eternity. I struggle with my own desire to have her here but then instantly reflect that I am overjoyed that she is in Paradise and I wouldn't want her to be anywhere else but perfection. I struggle with these thoughts.

Ironic that you wrote this as yesterday I thought about being willing to starve myself until she returned and then die of starvation if god didnt keep his word.  But yours is not my sentiment at all.  I would gladly have her back here with me and would not feel selfish one bit.  She didnt want to leave in the first place and since I dont get to see said "perfect eternity"  I cannot confirm this exists.  Besides whats 20 more years on earth with me when compared to eternity.  No struggle for me at all.  Bring her back and I will do anything. 

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22 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

I have the same feelings about Lori. I want her back so badly and get into the thought patterns that I would do anything to have her back. To bring her here to me. But then I think "Why would I pull her from pure joy. Pure bliss. A perfect eternity. I struggle with my own desire to have her here but then instantly reflect that I am overjoyed that she is in Paradise and I wouldn't want her to be anywhere else but perfection. I struggle with these thoughts.

One does not negate the other.  Both thoughts are valid.  You want her happily in Paradise, but you also want her back.  Who of us wouldn't!

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8 hours ago, bradley1985 said:

Ironic that you wrote this as yesterday I thought about being willing to starve myself until she returned and then die of starvation if god didnt keep his word.  But yours is not my sentiment at all.  I would gladly have her back here with me and would not feel selfish one bit.  She didnt want to leave in the first place and since I dont get to see said "perfect eternity"  I cannot confirm this exists.  Besides whats 20 more years on earth with me when compared to eternity.  No struggle for me at all.  Bring her back and I will do anything. 

Don't get me wrong. I do not, in any way, feel that you are selfish and hope you didn't take my post that way. I think often about the things I would do to get Lori back. When I reflect on it I come to the conclusion that I would do anything to have her here. 

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On 7/25/2017 at 8:20 AM, Eagle-96 said:

Don't get me wrong. I do not, in any way, feel that you are selfish and hope you didn't take my post that way. I think often about the things I would do to get Lori back. When I reflect on it I come to the conclusion that I would do anything to have her here. 

I can't even count how many times I have promised to do better, to be a better person, to take better care of Lily, to do this or do that, just to have her back. If that were possible, it would be the happiest day in my life.  But I always remember that we all have to go one day, so why ask for her back if I know one day I will have to say goodbye to her again. Why put myself and  her through that again? Or even worse, what if I went before her? Why would I put her through that pain? No, as much as I want her back and would not turn away such a gift if it were to happen, I know it cannot and will not happen. I really do believe she's in a better place and she always meant more to me than myself so I do not want to take her away from such happiness and peace. As happy as we were together, I know it is nothing compared to the happiness she now feels. I have read that people who experienced NDEs come back feeling such sadness and longing for the eternal life they briefly experienced with all its peace and love. I would not want to take that from Lily. She was a wonderful person who always shared joy and love with everyone she met, she truly knew no stranger, and she is where she will receive that in return. She deserves it after going through what she did on earth. If it means I  have to be lonely, sad and experience the pain of living without her, then so be it.

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You are right Lulu! They were too good for this life. And they deserve a better place than this!

They meant more than ourselves to us and we choose by heart their happiness. 

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Ahh, LuLu, you are truly sweet.  And I'm sure her response would be the same if roles were reversed.  I had the NDE a couple of times, the first was when I donated blood and they said my blood pressure was borderline high but they took my blood anyway, and they started losing me, my kids were there watching.  It felt very compelling, alluring, to go, but I looked down and saw them working on me and the scared look on my kids' faces, and I knew I could not leave their dad to raise them alone, so I came back.  The second time was when I was over-anesthesized for an operation and during the operation my heart stopped, they had to give me compressions to restart it, and afterwards, I kept stopping breathing, repeatedly, for a couple of hours in recovery.  I remember how alluring it'd be to let go and just be in the next life, but I chose to stay because my dog and cat needed me here.  Both times I felt I had a choice, I don't know if everyone feels that or not.  But I felt I wasn't done here yet.  My time will come, as all of ours will and then we'll get to be with them, not to part again.

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I read a NDE story. A part of that is so similar to the vivid dream I had with my husband after he passed. He showed me a view like the following part:

"It's marvelous!" they answered. Then with delight they told me how I could swim around in the lake as long as I pleased and when I came out, I'd be dry! Another one said, "You can run, jump, dance, sing and play as much as you want to and you'll never get tired!"

The link of all story:

http://www.near-death.com/reincarnation/experiences/arthur-yensen.html

 

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KayC, I've never had an NDE, and your experiences sound cool. At least you felt you had a choice, because you were still needed here. My husband had an NDE during his quad bypass surgery in 2007. He made the choice to stay, for me. I have always been thankful to him for giving us several more years together. It is too sad that he wasn't given a choice last year.

SashaS, I read the link for NDE stories some time ago and I have read books of NDE's.You were blessed for that dream visitation you had with your husband and he showed you a scene where he is at.  It makes me envious where our loved ones are. Heaven is a glorious place where we can enjoy anything and the atmosphere is all love, harmony and light.

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It's been a rough week. I just can't shake this sadness and loneliness. Lately, it come up as I drive through town and see all the new developments going on. They mark my before and after with Lily. I see a restaurant and say that one wasn't here when Lily was or that sign wasn't here in February, Lily never saw it. I'll read a story online about someone she liked and I'll think of her and say I can't believe Lily is gone and they are still going on putting out new work (movies/music/writing) that Lily won't get to enjoy. It's just been a sad week. I haven't had one like this in a short while. I know grief is a rollercoaster, but I can't take this pain. It is too much sometimes. How I wish we could go back to before she got ill and when we were so happy.

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Hi Lulu I understand so well how you feel. I don't want to be here anymore. Every day without my Angel is increasing the sadness despair and loneliness I feel. Maybe I am just weak, or pathetic, I don't know, but the pain is so wholly  encompassing.

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21 minutes ago, Lulu said:

I just can't shake this sadness and loneliness.

It certainly becomes a part of us, doesn't it? We have to learn to adapt to carrying those emotions with us. Emotions we are not used to, don't want, on a daily basis. We once used to be happy, carefree, in love with our soulmates and with life. In an instant, a switch was flipped and our world went from light to dark. I am sorry you had a rough week.

 

26 minutes ago, Lulu said:

How I wish we could go back to before she got ill and when we were so happy.

That is the sad part about time. Time only goes forwards, never backwards.

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4 minutes ago, Kjayne said:

Maybe I am just weak, or pathetic, I don't know, but the pain is so wholly  encompassing.

You are NEITHER weak or pathetic.You are grieving a tragic loss. The pain is all consuming and there is nothing we can do but face it, feel it, let it have its way with us. We cannot fight the pain.The one thing about emotional pain is that it shows us we are capable of being loved and we returned that love, giving to another person with our whole being and now we are paying the price. The price is so worth it by my account. I would never have traded all my years with my husband for anything else.

I am sorry for how you are feeling. I wish I could take it all away for you and everyone else here. Life is what it is and we have to roll with whatever comes our way, whether it be happiness, which we embrace fully, or sadness, which we don't want, but have no choice.

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24 minutes ago, Lulu said:

It's been a rough week. I just can't shake this sadness and loneliness. Lately, it come up as I drive through town and see all the new developments going on. They mark my before and after with Lily. I see a restaurant and say that one wasn't here when Lily was or that sign wasn't here in February, Lily never saw it. I'll read a story online about someone she liked and I'll think of her and say I can't believe Lily is gone and they are still going on putting out new work (movies/music/writing) that Lily won't get to enjoy. It's just been a sad week. I haven't had one like this in a short while. I know grief is a rollercoaster, but I can't take this pain. It is too much sometimes. How I wish we could go back to before she got ill and when we were so happy.

That is so tough to deal with. We are all grieving three different realities of our loved ones. The past, present, and future.

The past filled with memories both good and bad. The thoughts of their last moments with us that bring up so much pain. The second guessing the decisions we made whether unfounded or not. The thoughts of happy times and memories that both make us smile and make us long to be taken back in time to when everything was right. 

The present filled with longing for our loved one. The loneliness of not having them here with us. The little mundane tasks that we struggle to complete because they are not by our side to help. The despair of being somewhere and wondering what they would think or say.

The future filled with memories our spouse won't get to make. Milestones they won't witness. Tears they won't shed. 

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3 hours ago, Lulu said:

 It's been a rough week. I just can't shake this sadness and loneliness. Lately, it come up as I drive through town and see all the new developments going on. They mark my before and after with Lily. I see a restaurant and say that one wasn't here when Lily was or that sign wasn't here in February, Lily never saw it. I'll read a story online about someone she liked and I'll think of her and say I can't believe Lily is gone and they are still going on putting out new work (movies/music/writing) that Lily won't get to enjoy. It's just been a sad week. I haven't had one like this in a short while. I know grief is a rollercoaster, but I can't take this pain. It is too much sometimes. How I wish we could go back to before she got ill and when we were so happy.

 

2 hours ago, Kjayne said:

Hi Lulu I understand so well how you feel. I don't want to be here anymore. Every day without my Angel is increasing the sadness despair and loneliness I feel. Maybe I am just weak, or pathetic, I don't know, but the pain is so wholly  encompassing.

Hi Lulu, Hi Kyajne! 

I remember that my husband never gave up in the front of the agressive cancer he had. He fought like David with Goliath and he lost his battle but he tried with his powers.

Being weak, pathetic, crying is part of this world. Loosing them is the end of the world. But the physical life is individual. Calling in my mind his last days and remembering his love for the life and the desire to live I see things differently. We have lost a big part of our soul and normally we feel sick. But they were loosing their lifes and they didn't gave up. And also they gave us hope in that despair. We have to do that too! 

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1 hour ago, SashaS said:

 

Hi Lulu, Hi Kyajne! 

I remember that my husband never gave up in the front of the agressive cancer he had. He fought like David with Goliath and he lost his battle but he tried with his powers.

Being weak, pathetic, crying is part of this world. Loosing them is the end of the world. But the physical life is individual. Calling in my mind his last days and remembering his love for the life and the desire to live I see things differently. We have lost a big part of our soul and normally we feel sick. But they were loosing their lifes and they didn't gave up. And also they gave us hope in that despair. We have to do that too! 

Thank you, SashaS. Thank you for for this perspective. Yes, my Lily fought like hell to live despite everyone else giving up. She wanted to live and I cannot throw away the life she fought so hard for. I will remind myself of her courage and love of life when I feel like I don't want to go on. I want to be with her and I miss her friendship the most, but I have to honor her life by moving forward however painful it is. For it is nothing to the pain she felt and smiled through. My sweet Lily, she was and is my inspiration to keep going and becoming the person she would want me to be! 

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20 hours ago, Lulu said:

They mark my before and after with Lily.

Oh how I know this!  50 years ago my sister Donna had a car accident, it killed her three year old and my parents eventually adopted her 4 month old (she was divorced).  It injured my sister Peggy's equilibrium but Donna got the worst...she was brain damaged (25 years old), became paranoid, quadriplegic, but the worst injury was they butchered her vocal chords when they did the emergency tracheotomy, leaving her unable to communicate.  I was 15 and spent my teen years taking care of her after school until my parents went to bed, also taking care of my little sister and the baby.  Our life from the moment of that accident became "before and after".  It changed our lives drastically.

Losing George was another "before and after", changing my life drastically, never to be near the same again.

There are some thing you never "recover" from.  There are some things you just have to learn to adjust to, and that is tough.  You do what you have to do because you have no choice, but life for you has become something so different it's as if you lost your old life and got a different one.

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I have no choice but to go on but man is it hard! I'm surrounded by reminders of Lily and of our life together. Just walking through the house, so many pieces of furniture or pictures or dishes, boxes of Xmas decorations constantly remind me of her. This is truly her house just as much as it is mine. Maybe one day, but right now those reminders and memories bring me such sadness. We were full of hope for the future but that future no longer exists. It's difficult to comprehend that it's just me now. This house, this life seems so empty, so incomplete, so sad without her. I just wish I could talk with her again, hear her laugh, see her beautiful smile, look into her eyes full of life, even if for a second.

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Lulu, I feel the same way you do. It is sheer torture. And the sense of despair is overwhelming. I am also alone in the home we shared. And I miss my Angel so much, hearing his bursts of laughter when he was watching the comedy channel, dancing to our favorite music together, singing along to the songs we loved, doing the crossword on Sunday mornings, just loving, and being loved. It is so hard to adjust to all this being taken away so suddenly. I do believe that only time can get us through this, and talking here if you need to. But I do know what you are going through. Today was particularly bad for me.  I was in tears the whole day, and now I am just emotionally drained.  I know what you are going through. My heart goes out to you. It is unbearable.

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2 hours ago, Lulu said:

This house, this life seems so empty, so incomplete, so sad without her. I just wish I could talk with her again, hear her laugh, see her beautiful smile, look into her eyes full of life, even if for a second.

 

1 hour ago, Kjayne said:

just loving, and being loved. It is so hard to adjust to all this being taken away so suddenly.

Ladies, you both are so right. We loved with every fiber of our being and now we grieve for our loss.

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On 7/29/2017 at 2:28 PM, Kjayne said:

Lulu, I feel the same way you do. It is sheer torture. And the sense of despair is overwhelming. I am also alone in the home we shared. And I miss my Angel so much, hearing his bursts of laughter when he was watching the comedy channel, dancing to our favorite music together, singing along to the songs we loved, doing the crossword on Sunday mornings, just loving, and being loved. It is so hard to adjust to all this being taken away so suddenly. I do believe that only time can get us through this, and talking here if you need to. But I do know what you are going through. Today was particularly bad for me.  I was in tears the whole day, and now I am just emotionally drained.  I know what you are going through. My heart goes out to you. It is unbearable.

I hope you are having a 'better' day today, if there is such a thing. My 'good' days are days that I can get through without tears streaming down my face at inopportune times or whenever someone asks me how I'm doing. I struggle with the constant reminders of my life with Lily and now of the void in my life without her. I tell myself don't feel sorry for her, she is in a better place, but it doesn't make the pain or loneliness any less. I feel so much loss in my life without her and I still have moments where I feel terrible what she went through. She deserved better.

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2 hours ago, Lulu said:

I tell myself don't feel sorry for her, she is in a better place, but it doesn't make the pain or loneliness any less. I feel so much loss in my life without her and I still have moments where I feel terrible what she went through. She deserved better.

No, nothing makes the pain or loneliness feel any less. We know our loved ones ARE in a better place. They are not suffering. But, we are suffering with the separation, their physical absence. This is by far, the toughest, most painful adjustment of our lives to be forced to make.

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On 7/31/2017 at 0:29 PM, KMB said:

No, nothing makes the pain or loneliness feel any less. We know our loved ones ARE in a better place. They are not suffering. But, we are suffering with the separation, their physical absence. This is by far, the toughest, most painful adjustment of our lives to be forced to make.

It's a horrible rollercoaster ride this grief. I go from thinking things might be getting a little bit easier and then suddenly deep valleys of pain and despair. I never thought I'd be without her and there are days I just don't understand nor accept that she really is gone. How can it be I ask. She was here full of life and happy and suddenly she's gone. It just doesn't make sense. I keep praying that God keeps me going each day. 

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1 hour ago, Lulu said:

I keep praying that God keeps me going each day. 

God IS supporting us each step of this journey. We have to keep in His faith and trust. He will show us the way, we have only to be still, calm and listen.  (HUGS)

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12 hours ago, Lulu said:

How can it be I ask.

I remember asking the same thing...George was so full of life and vitality, how could he be here one minute and not the next!  Yet it happened and I've had to do the unthinkable...live through it.  Nope, it doesn't make much sense.

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12 hours ago, KMB said:

God IS supporting us each step of this journey. We have to keep in His faith and trust. He will show us the way, we have only to be still, calm and listen.  (HUGS)

Yes, believe me I know He is. There is no way I would still be here without Him sustaining me and giving me strength, or rather being my strength. I find myself weak, something I never thought of myself, and although the days of my not wanting to go on are pretty much over, I still ask God to keep me going and guide my steps. I still don't leave the house for much other than for work, but I am not rushing myself. If and when the day comes that I find a new purpose, then I know it's only because of Him.

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I remember asking the same thing...George was so full of life and vitality, how could he be here one minute and not the next!  Yet it happened and I've had to do the unthinkable...live through it.  Nope, it doesn't make much sense.

I still think about it and just find it so unbelievable. Sometimes instead of asking why, I find myself asking how? how can this be? how was it possible? how did things fall apart so quickly and terribly? I know I will never have the answers i need, but it doesn't stop me from asking them.

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I think it's all a part of this sinking in to us, it's natural to question!

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In a few weeks, it will be five months since my Lily went to Heaven. Although some days have I guess what I could call 'good' in that I don't long for my own death, a day does not go by that I don't think about  her and shed some tears. Of course, the intense sobbing is rare but there have been a few days when the tears are just bubbling under the surface and they come so easily the whole day. while other days, it is only a momentary thing. I know she is better where she is, I know she no longer has the load of the earthly troubles and pain on her shoulders, she is FREE! But, how I wish I could talk with her and hear her laugh. I miss her so much. I talk to her but of course, I don't hear her, which is what I long for so badly. I am still waiting for a visitation dream. I've  had a couple of dreams where I thought were visitation dreams but I am just not sure, but it's been several weeks now, maybe months, and nothing since. If she could only tell me somehow, someway that she is fine, happy, at peace and that everything will be okay. Maybe, then I will have some peace, even if for a day.

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45 minutes ago, Lulu said:

In a few weeks, it will be five months since my Lily went to Heaven. Although some days have I guess what I could call 'good' in that I don't long for my own death, a day does not go by that I don't think about  her and shed some tears. Of course, the intense sobbing is rare but there have been a few days when the tears are just bubbling under the surface and they come so easily the whole day. while other days, it is only a momentary thing. I know she is better where she is, I know she no longer has the load of the earthly troubles and pain on her shoulders, she is FREE! But, how I wish I could talk with her and hear her laugh. I miss her so much. I talk to her but of course, I don't hear her, which is what I long for so badly. I am still waiting for a visitation dream. I've  had a couple of dreams where I thought were visitation dreams but I am just not sure, but it's been several weeks now, maybe months, and nothing since. If she could only tell me somehow, someway that she is fine, happy, at peace and that everything will be okay. Maybe, then I will have some peace, even if for a day.

Lulu, you answered your own question. You already know she is in a better place and said as much in your post. No pain. No earthly worries or fear. Pure bliss. Pure joy. She already knows when your reunion will be and she undoubtedly looks forward to that day. I suspect you know that you don't need her to come to your dreams to verify what you already know. What you long for is to hold her. Kiss her. Feel her in your arms. I truly hope that you get that soon. That you will have that joy back in your heart, if even for a moment. I have had that once in four and a half months and it meant the world to me. It will to you also. 

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40 minutes ago, Eagle-96 said:

Lulu, you answered your own question. You already know she is in a better place and said as much in your post. No pain. No earthly worries or fear. Pure bliss. Pure joy. She already knows when your reunion will be and she undoubtedly looks forward to that day. I suspect you know that you don't need her to come to your dreams to verify what you already know. What you long for is to hold her. Kiss her. Feel her in your arms. I truly hope that you get that soon. That you will have that joy back in your heart, if even for a moment. I have had that once in four and a half months and it meant the world to me. It will to you also. 

You're right. I guess I just miss her physical presence in my life and still struggle with the 'fairness' of it all. Why her? Somethings will never make sense and that's difficult for me to accept. I look forward to that visitation dream so much, just waking up without it is so disappointing. But one day, one day.

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1 hour ago, Eagle-96 said:

Lulu, you answered your own question. You already know she is in a better place and said as much in your post. No pain. No earthly worries or fear. Pure bliss. Pure joy. She already knows when your reunion will be and she undoubtedly looks forward to that day. I suspect you know that you don't need her to come to your dreams to verify what you already know. What you long for is to hold her. Kiss her. Feel her in your arms. I truly hope that you get that soon. That you will have that joy back in your heart, if even for a moment. I have had that once in four and a half months and it meant the world to me. It will to you also. 

I couldn't have said it better!

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3 hours ago, Lulu said:

You're right. I guess I just miss her physical presence in my life and still struggle with the 'fairness' of it all. Why her? Somethings will never make sense and that's difficult for me to accept. I look forward to that visitation dream so much, just waking up without it is so disappointing. But one day, one day.

We are always going to miss our loved one's physical presence. That is because we have our own physical body and we live in a physical world. It is so hard adjusting to the fact that they are now in a spiritual state in relation to us. I've read that they do have a shape or form in their other realm of life, but we are unable to see them or hear them. They look the same as they did here. I've read that older people go back to the age of 30, when the physical body they had was fit and healthy. The age where we felt young, in the prime of our physical life. I didn't know my husband when he was 30. He was 44 when we met. I have many pics though of him at 30. It doesn't matter though. I will still recognize him when we have our reunion and our souls will instantly know each other. Like Eagle said, they know when that reunion will take place and they are patiently waiting for us.

When the timing is right, you will have a dream visitation. Love and hugs to you, Lulu----

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On 8/21/2017 at 9:44 PM, Lulu said:

You're right. I guess I just miss her physical presence in my life and still struggle with the 'fairness' of it all. Why her? Somethings will never make sense and that's difficult for me to accept. I look forward to that visitation dream so much, just waking up without it is so disappointing. But one day, one day.

Hi Lulu,

I just read your all posts and its like reading my life story from some one else. The little things you described like smiling to see old couples, or waiting at home for each other, cooking together, everything. How are you feeling now because its 2 months for me and still missing him so badly, every small things remind me about him and I can't stop crying. 

People give me pity look in office when I cry there , but I don't care much because I can't control my emotions. 

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9 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

Hi Lulu,

I just read your all posts and its like reading my life story from some one else. The little things you described like smiling to see old couples, or waiting at home for each other, cooking together, everything. How are you feeling now because its 2 months for me and still missing him so badly, every small things remind me about him and I can't stop crying. 

People give me pity look in office when I cry there , but I don't care much because I can't control my emotions. 

Hi LoveGoli,

It's been five months this week, and I can honestly say the pain and loneliness is just as deep as it was on day one.  A day doesn't go by that I don't think about my Lily or shed a tear for her and the pain she went through (I'm tearing up as I write this), but I don't have the uncontrollable sobbing. I can laugh and talk with colleagues and my family, but at the same time, I feel like I'm being a phony because inside I feel so lonely and sad. Work keeps me busy but I feel the loneliness when I leave work and on the weekends. A thing some people don't seem to get is that I am not lonely for 'people' or just anyone, I am lonely for Lily.  We spent every minute together outside of work and it is a huge adjustment and void without her. I keep myself busy with reading and I putter around the backyard a little, but nothing like I used to. There are so many memories in the house and around town, that I just can't escape them. I don't want to but they bring me such sadness of what will never be again. I keep telling myself that she is okay, better than okay! She is so happy and is getting the peace and love she deserves after working so hard and suffering such pain and anguish this past year, but I still miss her and wish I could talk with her again, eat dinner together, ride into town on the weekends, or just watching tv. I miss her every minute of the day. Sometimes, I feel it's because I haven't really accepted that she is gone and is not coming back. Maybe so, but how can I? How can I when she was everything to me? I'm sorry you are going through this hell and even though I feel like I can't provide any words of wisdom or comfort, please know that all of us here to understand what you are going through. I can only say what I've been doing and that is to take it one day at a time.

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I worked in an office too and when I felt the tears erupting I'd run to the bathroom to cry in private...I was lucky the bathroom was right next to my office.  I couldn't stay there, I needed to get my work done and others would need to use the bathroom, but at least I could run there to get a chance to compose myself.  It's hard and you're still really new in this.

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It's been so months this week and I don't feel any better. Sure, I go to work and I perform well, I talk with colleagues, I even laugh with them but inside I'm so sad and lonely. I call my mom at least three times a day just to have someone to talk to, even if it's about nothing. I'm so lonely for my Lily. I pray and ask God for strength and courage to go on. I ask Him to show me my purpose but I have such an empty life now. I work, go home, watch TV, eat a small dinner, go to sleep and repeat. I talk to Lily ever day, I thank God for taking care of her, allowing me to have so many years with her, but what else is there for me. I try to stay positive and be happy she is happy and had peace. I think she's with me but I miss her physical presence. I miss her voice, her smile, her laugh, hanging out together, the little things. I will never hurt myself but I don't want to be here without her. If I don't wake up tomorrow, at least the pain would be gone. I miss her so much and I feel like I have nothing. Why did this happen?! Why? I know I need to let go but I just can't. This is the hardest thing I've ever been through and I don't know if I can make it. I'm just so sad. I want her back.

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Lulu,  I have no words to help you, we both know this. I am in the same situation as you. I can function. Not 100%, but I don't hold myself to any high standards like I used to either. I am just a shadow of the person I once was. We get really good at faking it for others. They only see the outside of us and maybe a little sliver of what we used to be, when we smile or put on a laugh. If they saw the inside, then they would know what a nightmare really is.

Hang in there, Lulu.  We have survived this far and we will continue to do so. God is walking right beside us. He will help guide us on this grief road.:wub:   Our lives might be a daily repeat, but at least we are trying and surviving our way.

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I read the whole thread and sure I do feel the same with what has been written by all of you. It been 4 mths for me and it really hard. I was not there when he had the heart attack. I wish he did not go alone but again I have to keep telling myself if I were there or any of us was there and we managed to save him alive but if not fully him? I knew he will hate his life in that manner. He was such active person. If this is meant to be and the only thing that really comfort me is knowing that he is now in paradise. He is resting in peace. Of coz, there were so many days that I screamed and questioned how can it be better then this earthly place when he has all of our love - his family and me. And all the questions of "why", "what if", "if" and what really happened on that day, which I will never know. I wish I can find out but again his mom told me that maybe sometime is better not know and is not going to bring him back. I knew he will want me to be happy again but there is no way I can be happy like when I had him. I am a change person forever, he had changed me from a heartless person to this soft and loving heart, he had managed to unlock my heart and he hold on to the key and now he is gone. Speaking of key - his mom got me the ash holder necklace - She put it on my neck and said to me that I deserved to have this because I have his heart is the key to his heart and the rest of the family has something else to represent him. They were so sweet to me. His mom kept saying you are my supposed-to-be- daughter-in-law. Yes, we might not be married or have many years together but we were connected. 

His mom and I talked all the time. The only we can honour him and his love for us is to continue living, have him in our heart. We are strong on some of the days, we are not in some. A coaster roller ride but we both knew we will see him again in heaven. He will still be so handsome and with that sweet smiles. 

I have his mom and this forum to get my day by. This is the place where we don't wish to be but here we are and can only encourage one other and is a place where we can say things and we know is being understood and not judged. Thank you, I am glad I found this forum. 

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I'm glad you got the necklace, that is really sweet of her.  I hope it brings you much comfort as you wear it close to you.

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