Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

Lost my soulmate


Lulu

Recommended Posts

  • Moderators
21 hours ago, Lulu said:

I also feel like it would be me moving on without her. 

You will never move on without her.  Some things have to be done around the house, it can't go without upkeep the rest of your life, but try and look at it this way...when you do something to fix up the place, talk to Lily about it, shower her, point it out.  Mitch, on another forum, just stained his deck and stairs and rails, it was a huge project, but it said he knew Tammy was proud of him.  Sure he wished he could have done it when she was alive, but he also liked to think she could see it still, and that's how I choose to believe too.

20 hours ago, SashaS said:

Loosing them we have lost the reason to enjoy our life. 

I understand that feeling all too well.  It seems like a long process between the losing them and reaching a point where you learn to do things for yourself because you are valuable and worth it.  That self care took me years to get to.  (((hugs)))

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 364
  • Created
  • Last Reply
  • Members
5 hours ago, KayC said:

I understand that feeling all too well.  It seems like a long process between the losing them and reaching a point where you learn to do things for yourself because you are valuable and worth it.  That self care took me years to get to.  (((hugs)))

I dont know KayC! It seems to me that I'm not going to find that reason anymore. I can take care of my self and not only. But my life is not anymore like before and it is not going to be. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
6 hours ago, SashaS said:

I dont know KayC! It seems to me that I'm not going to find that reason anymore. I can take care of my self and not only. But my life is not anymore like before and it is not going to be. 

I understand completely this sentiment, I think we all do. The thing that I have to remind myself is that even though my wife filled my life with joy and love, it was because of who I already was that brought her to me and me to her. She was vibrant and full of life and mischief and kindness, things that drew me to her. Things about me presumably drew her towards myself. We can still live and be happy. No, life will never be the same, our futures were taken away and life seems pointless. It's not though, I can't convince you or anyone of that, but I believe it. I have to live on the best I possibly can if nothing else but to prove that my wife was correct in finding me worth living. She gave me 27 years of her life, and if it was 1 year or 6 months, I can't turn away from life. She'd be a bit upset with me and I know I'll hear it on the other side, so I'm going to take her example of never giving up, never laying down, but to fight and cling desperately to what life I have left. SashaS, I'm thinking about you and saying a little prayer for you.

Hang on and may you find peace and strength,

Andy

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
5 hours ago, Andy said:

I understand completely this sentiment, I think we all do. The thing that I have to remind myself is that even though my wife filled my life with joy and love, it was because of who I already was that brought her to me and me to her. She was vibrant and full of life and mischief and kindness, things that drew me to her. Things about me presumably drew her towards myself. We can still live and be happy. No, life will never be the same, our futures were taken away and life seems pointless. It's not though, I can't convince you or anyone of that, but I believe it. I have to live on the best I possibly can if nothing else but to prove that my wife was correct in finding me worth living. She gave me 27 years of her life, and if it was 1 year or 6 months, I can't turn away from life. She'd be a bit upset with me and I know I'll hear it on the other side, so I'm going to take her example of never giving up, never laying down, but to fight and cling desperately to what life I have left. SashaS, I'm thinking about you and saying a little prayer for you.

Hang on and may you find peace and strength,

Andy

 

Thank you for your kind, supportive, understanding words of comfort.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

Of course it's not like it was, neither are we.  It's a journey of learning, that's for sure.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi, I'm new to this group having just lost my gf July 1st. I will share our story later, but Lulu when I read about your "just best friends" thing it hit home big time. 

Only small number of people knew that Bev and I were a couple. I have no family left and she had no family nearby.

Of course her family did know I was there taking care of her the past two years while she was going through some medical issues, but they have no idea the extent of it all and it was out of my love for that I was there. 

Between a long time friend of hers, her roommate and myself we had built a small family and overcome so many obstacles. We spent holidays creating happy memories to replace sad ones. 

I lost my mom five years ago and when Bev entered my life, that huge void I had been carrying around was filled in by her love. She brought my heart back to life. 

Her cousin (POA and executor) arrived Friday afternoon

 At first he seemed to be considering our roles in her life and that her home was our home. I never actually lived there but at the same time I did. The house was full of OUR memories. 

Within 3 hours of his arrival he started going against her wishes. Then he took over the house. Then instead of including both her roommate (who she thought of as son) and myself in the private spreading of the ashes (at a completely different place than she designated) he has excluded me.

I had given her many gifts and the first night the cousin was there (before he banned us from her bedroom) I told I might as well take home the poem I wrote for her on our first Valentine's day and a couple other things. He said OK.

But, back before her and I were even together I had made her a sign that she hung on her front porch. She loved that sign. When I left the other day I brought it back home. I mean I handmade it, had to repair it a few times when the wind knocked it down, and it no longer had relevance to what is now "his house". 

So yesterday I got a text message from him asking if I'd seen the sign. I called him and said yes, I made that sign for her and I brought it back home. His reply was that was borderline unacceptable because he's now in charge of everything and I needed his permission. I apologized and said it had no relevance to him or anyone else but if he wanted it I'd bring it back. He declined, but it still left a bad taste.

So Lulu I more than understand what it's like to suddenly lose the love of your life and then have people come sauntering in and treat you like a third party in what was yours and Lily's life.

At one point Bev and I talked about marriage but she wanted to get every dime she was owed out of her ex husband, so that had been put on hold. 

I'm very sorry for your loss as well as the of everyone else in here.

Sorry if this seems like rambling. I'm still in disbelief my heart is shattered again.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
1 hour ago, SweetBear said:

Hi, I'm new to this group having just lost my gf July 1st. I will share our story later, but Lulu when I read about your "just best friends" thing it hit home big time. 

Only small number of people knew that Bev and I were a couple. I have no family left and she had no family nearby.

Of course her family did know I was there taking care of her the past two years while she was going through some medical issues, but they have no idea the extent of it all and it was out of my love for that I was there. 

Between a long time friend of hers, her roommate and myself we had built a small family and overcome so many obstacles. We spent holidays creating happy memories to replace sad ones. 

I lost my mom five years ago and when Bev entered my life, that huge void I had been carrying around was filled in by her love. She brought my heart back to life. 

Her cousin (POA and executor) arrived Friday afternoon

 At first he seemed to be considering our roles in her life and that her home was our home. I never actually lived there but at the same time I did. The house was full of OUR memories. 

Within 3 hours of his arrival he started going against her wishes. Then he took over the house. Then instead of including both her roommate (who she thought of as son) and myself in the private spreading of the ashes (at a completely different place than she designated) he has excluded me.

I had given her many gifts and the first night the cousin was there (before he banned us from her bedroom) I told I might as well take home the poem I wrote for her on our first Valentine's day and a couple other things. He said OK.

But, back before her and I were even together I had made her a sign that she hung on her front porch. She loved that sign. When I left the other day I brought it back home. I mean I handmade it, had to repair it a few times when the wind knocked it down, and it no longer had relevance to what is now "his house". 

So yesterday I got a text message from him asking if I'd seen the sign. I called him and said yes, I made that sign for her and I brought it back home. His reply was that was borderline unacceptable because he's now in charge of everything and I needed his permission. I apologized and said it had no relevance to him or anyone else but if he wanted it I'd bring it back. He declined, but it still left a bad taste.

So Lulu I more than understand what it's like to suddenly lose the love of your life and then have people come sauntering in and treat you like a third party in what was yours and Lily's life.

At one point Bev and I talked about marriage but she wanted to get every dime she was owed out of her ex husband, so that had been put on hold. 

I'm very sorry for your loss as well as the of everyone else in here.

Sorry if this seems like rambling. I'm still in disbelief my heart is shattered again.

 

I'm so sorry that your grief of losing Bev has been compounded by the cruel actions of her cousin. It's hard enough to deal with her loss and now this. I am glad you found us and know that we are here for you to listen, give advice, or just to be your sounding board. I am praying that you find peace during this journey and that her cousin will find some understanding as to your place in Bev's heart. You tell your story only when you are ready. We'll be here for you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

Sweetbear,

I am so sorry for your loss.  It seems you and Lulu have some commonality in what you're going through.  I am so sorry the POA/executor is being so insensitive to you, and to what she would have wanted.  I find that happens all too often.  (((hugs)))

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
21 hours ago, SweetBear said:

So yesterday I got a text message from him asking if I'd seen the sign. I called him and said yes, I made that sign for her and I brought it back home. His reply was that was borderline unacceptable because he's now in charge of everything and I needed his permission

Wow I can relate. Pats dysfunctional siblings came in and took right over. I was just "the girlfriend" so I didn't matter to them. They did not know me or our relationship because he kept them at arms length because of their craziness. I also got very disturbing nasty text messages in the couple weeks that followed his death. Mainly asking where things were. Like his laptop, a ring, etc.  as I was told "they are part of his estate".  Did they think I stole them?!  And they swooped right into his house and took right over. And his car was gone the very next morning after he died. Then the TVs were gone. They had never even been to his house before he died. And they ended up changing the locks!!!  I was the only other person to have a key. Talk about feeling locked out, literally and figuratively!  And I was not involved with any wake or funeral planning. I wonder what Pat was thinking watching that craziness. He would not have wanted it to be that way.  Luckily I am done dealing with them. They made a horrible situation even worse. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

HHFaith, I am so sorry for how Pat's siblings treated you. I swear, I don't know how people's minds work some days. You were the one closest to Pat. He kept them at arms length for legitimate reasons and they came swooping in like the greedy vultures they are. You have the love and memories that can never be taken away. You have something worth a whole lot more than material possessions. You have Pat's eternal love.  (HUGS)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
8 hours ago, KayC said:

Sweetbear,

I am so sorry for your loss.  It seems you and Lulu have some commonality in what you're going through.  I am so sorry the POA/executor is being so insensitive to you, and to what she would have wanted.  I find that happens all too often.  (((hugs)))

Thank you KayC

I'm kinda kicking myself that we didn't talk the whole thing over more seriously. We're both 58 and it seemed like there was much time ahead of us. And at the same time I think she trusted in her heart that the cousin would honor all her last wishes.

Too late now...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

HHFaith I'm sorry you had to feel the pain of being an outsider in what was your life. 

Bev and I made our commitment in early Feb and on Valentine's day she gave me a house key. Funny thing is the back of the house is always open because her dog would eat any intruders. So the only time I ever used the key was when I would leave and I'd lock the security door. 

I told both her roommate and the long time friend I'm not bringing up the key because it's not just a key to me.

I'm looking about having it melted down into something like a ring or pendant. 

Just really hoping it's not brought up. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
1 hour ago, SweetBear said:

I'm looking about having it melted down into something like a ring or pendant. 

What a nice idea. I think I may have thrown away the key in anger. But for Christmas I had an artist do a portrait of his house. We had just hung it up a couple days before he died. I made sure I took that. It's hanging in my house now. He had recently bought the house. He literally just made his first mortgage payment. I have never seen anyone so happy with a house. I guess it's fitting that he died there. He was also 58 like you and Bev. Too young to die. And too young to be left behind. Things are hitting me so hard this week. I've been doing everything "right" for 6 months now but I don't know if I have the strength to go on like this forever. It's just so damn hard. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
30 minutes ago, HHFaith said:

What a nice idea. I think I may have thrown away the key in anger. But for Christmas I had an artist do a portrait of his house. We had just hung it up a couple days before he died. I made sure I took that. It's hanging in my house now. He had recently bought the house. He literally just made his first mortgage payment. I have never seen anyone so happy with a house. I guess it's fitting that he died there. He was also 58 like you and Bev. Too young to die. And too young to be left behind. Things are hitting me so hard this week. I've been doing everything "right" for 6 months now but I don't know if I have the strength to go on like this forever. It's just so damn hard. 

Wow talk about a connection. This was the first house Bev ever owned and she was so proud of it. And, she had just refinanced it two months ago and I actually wrote and mailed the second payment the day after she was taken to the hospital. 

She told me so many times how much she loved that house and she would die there. 

And technically she did because even with our attempts of cpr, the Dr said she was dead when paramedics got there. 

And I get the whole doing things right and you just keep trying to keep your head above water. Pay the bills, buy food, actually cook it. Then even eat it! Been doing that since I lost my mom.  

Right now my little man (kitten) Eli gets fed as do my two bettas- Jackson and Milo. Past that I've got bills overdue and right now? I don't care.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

There's a lot you could do with the key.  I used to make recycled jewelry...starting with a small canning lid, modgepodge background paper onto it, put things on it and then covering it with a resin, they come out really nice actually, usually sold for $30 as "recycled art".  Used things like broken jewelry, computer parts, you name it.  A photographer I am not, but I hope you can see this well enough to get some idea of what I'm talking about. The resin I used was EnviroTex Lite pour-on high gloss finish from a craft store.  You put the lid on a orange juice can over a box lid to pour so you don't have it all over your surface.

DSCN0663.JPG

DSCN0664.JPG

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I've been visiting family this week and even though they have been keeping me busy, every quiet moment I have, I spend thinking of Lily. I see places she would have loved to visit or visited, or would have liked to do. When we'd be driving from place to place, I'd look out the window and ask myself where are you Lily? What are you doing? Are you here with me? Show me a sign? Or are you with your family? Can you be in both places? Lily why don't you talk to me or come to me in a dream or visitation? I've been trying to come to terms with the fact that no matter how much I wish for her to be here or how much I rehash the last few months, she will still be gone. But she's ok. Better than ok. She's in Heaven with God and her family members that went before her. That she is happy and would not want to come back to this terrible world. I try to believe that she is with me in spirit but I don't feel her presence like others claim. Why? Does she not see how I hurt? Why doesn't she come to me? I have never felt any anger or resentment towards her because I know she didn't want to leave me. I have never blamed her for leaving me. But I wonder if she will ever come to me and tell me somehow that she is OK and in peace. It would make the pain and sadness just a little bit easier to deal with if I knew that she was OK and happy. Bottom line, I just want to talk to her again, to see her, to hear her, to feel her warmth and love, to see her beautiful smile.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Now that I'm back home by myself again, the pain and loneliness is so overwhelming. Even at work, I just feel so alone. I'm trying to not think about the last few months because it only makes the pain and sadness live on and I know she would not want me to keep thinking about it. She would want me to try to be strong and keep my faith. She was, so I need to as well. But it's just so hard when I have lost my only friend and the only person that loved and cared about me. The one person I meant the world to as she meant to me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
1 hour ago, Lulu said:

Now that I'm back home by myself again, the pain and loneliness is so overwhelming. Even at work, I just feel so alone. I'm trying to not think about the last few months because it only makes the pain and sadness live on and I know she would not want me to keep thinking about it. She would want me to try to be strong and keep my faith. She was, so I need to as well. But it's just so hard when I have lost my only friend and the only person that loved and cared about me. The one person I meant the world to as she meant to me.

I suspect you realize that she also understands how difficult it is to be strong in these circumstances that you now live. She knows that the price of love is pain. Go easy on yourself Lulu, you don't have to be strong. When we are weak He is strong.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Beautifully said, Eagle! It isn't easy trying to keep a more positive perspective with our grieving. We are hurting so terribly that it has a tendency of keeping us bogged down in that agony constantly. I'm sure our loved ones see what we are enduring and I don't feel they would like us to stay in agony forever. They lived their lives fully while here and we need to honor them with trying to do the same. We WILL be with them again someday.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
3 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

I suspect you realize that she also understands how difficult it is to be strong in these circumstances that you now live. She knows that the price of love is pain. Go easy on yourself Lulu, you don't have to be strong. When we are weak He is strong.

Yes, she knows how hard this is for me. When she was in the hospital, she was still making sure I was okay. Imagine that. I tried to be strong for her so she wouldn't have to deal with the anguish of seeing me fall apart but we both truly believed God would send her a miracle. It hurts that He didn't.

2 hours ago, KMB said:

Beautifully said, Eagle! It isn't easy trying to keep a more positive perspective with our grieving. We are hurting so terribly that it has a tendency of keeping us bogged down in that agony constantly. I'm sure our loved ones see what we are enduring and I don't feel they would like us to stay in agony forever. They lived their lives fully while here and we need to honor them with trying to do the same. We WILL be with them again someday.

If I don't try to stay positive or think about how wonderful eternal life is now for Lily, I won't make it in this life. I can't live with the pain so I have to keep myself from falling deeper into despair or I dread what I might do. I have to cling to the hope that we will be together again. The lonely and sad wait is the hard part.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
1 hour ago, Lulu said:

we both truly believed God would send her a miracle. It hurts that He didn't.

That depends on our personal perspective. And largely due to our ego speaking, instead of our spiritual, inner self. I prayed, begged and pleaded to God to make my husband's health better. God answered my prayers, but for my husband's benefit, not for mine. The physical body can only take so much and there are many health conditions that cannot be fixed. God saw that with my husband, took into account the years of suffering with the many symptoms that diabetes creates and called my husband home. I am lonely and hurting being here without him. At the same time, I would not wish for him to still be here suffering, on my account. I love my husband so greatly, that I am willing to be separated from him in this way, until we are reunited.     (HUGS)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
18 minutes ago, KMB said:

That depends on our personal perspective. And largely due to our ego speaking, instead of our spiritual, inner self. I prayed, begged and pleaded to God to make my husband's health better. God answered my prayers, but for my husband's benefit, not for mine. The physical body can only take so much and there are many health conditions that cannot be fixed. God saw that with my husband, took into account the years of suffering with the many symptoms that diabetes creates and called my husband home. I am lonely and hurting being here without him. At the same time, I would not wish for him to still be here suffering, on my account. I love my husband so greatly, that I am willing to be separated from him in this way, until we are reunited.     (HUGS)

I understand that, but we wanted Lily to live a longer life here. I think about how much she believed she would get better, even in hospice. She didn't want to give up. In the end, I prayed for God to please wait no longer and either give her a miracle or to lift up. I didn't want her to suffer anymore. But, when we asked for a miracle, it was for a complete healing. Of course, I didn't want her here in pain and suffering. She was so healthy and suddently this cancer seemed to come out of nowhere. It was shocking and devastating, especially when they said she was cancer free and then not even six months later, the cancer came back much more aggressive and she was gone so suddenly. She was so happy when they said she was clear and then to get this terrible news. My heart breaks when I think about it. I know He made her better and is now happy in Heaven. But I am alone, I feel left behind. I feel like a part of me is missing. So, I pray every day that God please keeps me going and that he heals my heart and mind. I talk to her everyday and say how much I miss her and that maybe one day she will send me a sign that everything is okay and will be wonderful once we are reunited.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Lulu, 

Someone once said to me that I would spend far more time with Lori in Paradise than we ever spent here on earth. It's something that keeps me going.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
39 minutes ago, Eagle-96 said:

Lulu, 

Someone once said to me that I would spend far more time with Lori in Paradise than we ever spent here on earth. It's something that keeps me going.

I look forward to this so much. I just miss her, especially her friendship. She was so special.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I lost my soulmate and best friend 10 weeks ago, suddenly. He had just turned 47 and was without a doubt the most amazing man I had ever met.   I have never been involved in anything so heartbreaking in my life.  His life could of been made into a movie.  He was tranquil, very intelligent and called himself a Zombie.  He dealt with a very unique disability day in and day out, long before we met.   Our love affair began on April 23, 2015 and from that day forward we talked constantly, through email at first then through text until I got up enough nerve to travel three hours to meet this intriguing Zombie.  From there on he had my heart. Our love story is beyond words. I don't have the know how to put it on paper but I will just say it would make "The Notebook" seam like a comedy.  Then, 10 weeks ago he went to sleep and never woke up.  The circumstances surrounding his death are left questionable in my mind and needless to say, I'm heartbroken.   I have found myself with no one to talk to because no one I know has ever been in this situation and it leaves you to grieve TOTALLY on your own.  I think of him constantly.  Every second is filled with his memory.  I go to work and fight back tears.  Sometimes I can't control them.  I am living in a nightmare right now.  One I never wake from.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
11 hours ago, Stoney said:

I lost my soulmate and best friend 10 weeks ago, suddenly. He had just turned 47 and was without a doubt the most amazing man I had ever met.   I have never been involved in anything so heartbreaking in my life.  His life could of been made into a movie.  He was tranquil, very intelligent and called himself a Zombie.  He dealt with a very unique disability day in and day out, long before we met.   Our love affair began on April 23, 2015 and from that day forward we talked constantly, through email at first then through text until I got up enough nerve to travel three hours to meet this intriguing Zombie.  From there on he had my heart. Our love story is beyond words. I don't have the know how to put it on paper but I will just say it would make "The Notebook" seam like a comedy.  Then, 10 weeks ago he went to sleep and never woke up.  The circumstances surrounding his death are left questionable in my mind and needless to say, I'm heartbroken.   I have found myself with no one to talk to because no one I know has ever been in this situation and it leaves you to grieve TOTALLY on your own.  I think of him constantly.  Every second is filled with his memory.  I go to work and fight back tears.  Sometimes I can't control them.  I am living in a nightmare right now.  One I never wake from.

Stoney,

I am so sorry for your loss. Sudden death is very traumatic as we are left without a chance to say goodbye. We are here for you and understand some of what you are going through. I lost my wife suddenly on 04/01/17 so I know of the shock this can cause. I know it seems that you have no one to talk to but you have us now and I hope that we can be a comfort to you during your journey. Please come here to talk, vent, cry, scream, seek advice, etc... I know we can't fill the void left by the loss of your precious fiance but we will walk this road with you and carry you when you need it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
16 hours ago, Stoney said:

I lost my soulmate and best friend 10 weeks ago, suddenly. He had just turned 47 and was without a doubt the most amazing man I had ever met.   I have never been involved in anything so heartbreaking in my life.  His life could of been made into a movie.  He was tranquil, very intelligent and called himself a Zombie.  He dealt with a very unique disability day in and day out, long before we met.   Our love affair began on April 23, 2015 and from that day forward we talked constantly, through email at first then through text until I got up enough nerve to travel three hours to meet this intriguing Zombie.  From there on he had my heart. Our love story is beyond words. I don't have the know how to put it on paper but I will just say it would make "The Notebook" seam like a comedy.  Then, 10 weeks ago he went to sleep and never woke up.  The circumstances surrounding his death are left questionable in my mind and needless to say, I'm heartbroken.   I have found myself with no one to talk to because no one I know has ever been in this situation and it leaves you to grieve TOTALLY on your own.  I think of him constantly.  Every second is filled with his memory.  I go to work and fight back tears.  Sometimes I can't control them.  I am living in a nightmare right now.  One I never wake from.

I am so sorry for what you are going through in losing your soulmate and love. I too am still struggling with so many questions but unfortunately, I've come to realize I will never get the answers I seek. I think about my Lily every free moment I have. I cry everyday and talk to her and ask her to please talk to me, to show me a sign that she is okay, that I will be okay. One day, I hope to be able to wake up without feeling so much pain, loneliness, and sadness. I tend to think about her final days and it causes me so much pain to remember her suffering and yet having so much hope that she would get better. I wish I knew that she had made peace with what was to come. It breaks my heart to think that such a sweet and wonderful person had to go through so much pain and emotional anguish, some of which was caused by her own family. I have been trying not to think about those moments and focus on the happy times, but then I get so sad that there will not be any more of those times with her, physically here. What it comes down to, is that I just want  her here with me now.   I miss seeing her sitting in her favorite chair, watching tv or reading on her phone. I miss coming home and having her call out to me, letting me know she's already home. I miss coming home early and waiting on her and then hearing the door open and feeling the joy of having my Lily home. I'd come to the door and help her in, grab her bag and say Hey! I just miss her so much and wish she was here!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Stoney,  You can talk to us here, we know the pain, loneliness, all the other emotions and thoughts that go with losing our soulmate. We are our own grief family here. I am deeply sorry for your loss. This is the hardest trial of our lives and a rough road ahead. I lost my husband suddenly also, cardiac arrest. I was in shock, disbelief, for a long time. Battling with anxiety attacks, crying buckets of tears, depression. It will be a year for me next month and I still go through the waves of grief. It is like a continual nightmare and I always wish to wake up and find my husband by my side. I understand how hard it is to be at work, have that mask on for everyone else and fighting the tears, the meltdowns, at the same time. This is by no means easy. Be patient and kind with yourself. The best advice is one day at a time. Prayers of comfort and peace------

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
On 7/10/2017 at 10:39 AM, KMB said:

It isn't easy trying to keep a more positive perspective with our grieving.

For sure!  It's an art that takes learning and practice.  I started this on day 11 and I'm glad I did because it changed me, but nothing about it was quick or easy!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

Stoney,

I love hearing about your love story.  

Lulu,

We were caught off guard, we didn't know he was going to die, at least not until that last day, I think he knew the day before but I wasn't there yet.  I was praying for him when he died.  I felt bitter at first about that, but I finally accepted that what happened, happened, I can't understand it and don't try to, it is what it is.  We all come to our own conclusion about how best to process this, how best to live with it, whatever way brings us the most peace.  I hope you find your way.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

KayC, I am trying but it is so difficult. This is the most difficult and painful thing I have had to go through. There are so many emotions involved, as you know. I have worked so hard to not be angry or feel guilt about what I could have done better or differently to change the outcome, because no matter what she will not come back. The anger I've had has been for her family and doctors and to honor her, I have tried to move past it and no hold it against her family. They were not perfect and she knew this and recognized their shortcomings while she was in the hospital but she still loved them despite their selfishness. I just hate to think about the tears they caused her and maybe how they helped to speed her along instead of fighting for one more chance. In the end, God welcomed her home  where he could take care of her and she would no longer have to suffer. That I do know and I try to remind myself of to help keep me going. It's just so hard to go through each day so alone without the one person that was always there. The one person I would be turning to in this moment. I just ask why, but I know I won't get an answer.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Lulu,

5 hours ago, Lulu said:

This is the most difficult and painful thing I have had to go through

You are so right. We all feel that way. Going through this journey of grieving is a lesson in building our strength of character. Whatever life throws at us in the future, we will have the utmost strength and fortitude to deal with it, because we are going through the worst that life can dish out right now. We are all somehow, in our own ways, surviving and learning lessons at the same time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I thought I was getting through each day just a little bit easier, but this week has just been terrible. The pain and tears are ever present, just under the surface, ready to spill over at any second. I wish I knew how to make things better for myself, but there isn't anything I can do. I feel like I have no purpose right now. I just get up and go to work and go back home. On Sunday, go to church and go back home. I can't believe this is what God wants for me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
14 minutes ago, Lulu said:

I thought I was getting through each day just a little bit easier, but this week has just been terrible. The pain and tears are ever present, just under the surface, ready to spill over at any second. I wish I knew how to make things better for myself, but there isn't anything I can do. I feel like I have no purpose right now. I just get up and go to work and go back home. On Sunday, go to church and go back home. I can't believe this is what God wants for me.

We have lost love! Love is above everything! We have to find a new equilibrium without love. Crying is part of grieving! I do that every day. Some days more and some others less. But this doesnt change our situation. We have also lost the ability to enjoy this life, to be happy. Am I going to be happy again?! I dont know!

God gives us challenges. We have to deal with.  At least we have to try! 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
3 hours ago, Lulu said:

thought I was getting through each day just a little bit easier, but this week has just been terrible.

This grief journey is nothing but ups and downs. Just when you think you've taken a step forward, something hits you and you feel like you've taken 10 steps backwards. That's completely normal. It's so hard but normal. I still cry every day but sometimes not as hard or not as long. But the pain and sadness are still there. I look forward to the time when there will be more "good" days than bad. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
On 7/12/2017 at 7:11 AM, Lulu said:

KayC, I am trying but it is so difficult. This is the most difficult and painful thing I have had to go through. There are so many emotions involved, as you know. I have worked so hard to not be angry or feel guilt about what I could have done better or differently to change the outcome, because no matter what she will not come back. The anger I've had has been for her family and doctors and to honor her, I have tried to move past it and no hold it against her family. They were not perfect and she knew this and recognized their shortcomings while she was in the hospital but she still loved them despite their selfishness. I just hate to think about the tears they caused her and maybe how they helped to speed her along instead of fighting for one more chance. In the end, God welcomed her home  where he could take care of her and she would no longer have to suffer. That I do know and I try to remind myself of to help keep me going. It's just so hard to go through each day so alone without the one person that was always there. The one person I would be turning to in this moment. I just ask why, but I know I won't get an answer.

Lulu,

Of course you're not there yet...it took me probably a year to accept and get over my anger towards God, which justifiably or not, was.  This is all a process, keep working at it, it'll all evolve as it should eventually.  Be patient with yourself, and oh so understanding of yourself, you need and deserve it.  I know the one person we would turn to is the person we don't have.  (((hugs)))

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
On 7/12/2017 at 8:18 PM, HHFaith said:

This grief journey is nothing but ups and downs. Just when you think you've taken a step forward, something hits you and you feel like you've taken 10 steps backwards. That's completely normal. It's so hard but normal. I still cry every day but sometimes not as hard or not as long. But the pain and sadness are still there. I look forward to the time when there will be more "good" days than bad. 

I tend to think about Lily's time in the hospital and it keeps me from moving forward. It's a painful time and I just can't seem to stop thinking about it. I catch myself and force myself to think of something else and I remind myself that she is better in Heaven. I really do believe that but I just wish I could talk with her and hear her sweet voice.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
On 7/14/2017 at 6:39 PM, Lulu said:

I tend to think about Lily's time in the hospital and it keeps me from moving forward. It's a painful time and I just can't seem to stop thinking about it. I catch myself and force myself to think of something else and I remind myself that she is better in Heaven. I really do believe that but I just wish I could talk with her and hear her sweet voice.

Lulu,

That has been key for me. Whenever I go back to the moment I found Lori in the bathroom until she passed 7 hours later I have to force myself to focus on something else. As I have said before, I try not to avoid grief but the thoughts of those seven hours are not therapeutic for me. If you have to, write down the 5 or 10 happiest times or memories of you and Lily together and keep it nearby. When you start to think of that terrible time of her in the hospital, try to pick one of those memories and focus on that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
7 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

Lulu,

That has been key for me. Whenever I go back to the moment I found Lori in the bathroom until she passed 7 hours later I have to force myself to focus on something else. As I have said before, I try not to avoid grief but the thoughts of those seven hours are not therapeutic for me. If you have to, write down the 5 or 10 happiest times or memories of you and Lily together and keep it nearby. When you start to think of that terrible time of her in the hospital, try to pick one of those memories and focus on that.

Thanks. I find myself in a cycle where I do well not to think about that time and just focus on the now and trying to move forward without her. Yet, there are days, when I can't stop thinking about her time in the hospital and the pain she suffered through, both physical and emotional. I think the emotional and mental anguish she went through hits me the hardest because you can medicate to stop the physical pain but you can't stop the emotional or mental pain and it stays with you longer. Seeing her in any kind of pain hurt me so much and I would do anything to prevent and stop it. In those moments, there was nothing I could do for her. All I could do was be by her side and tell her everything was going to be okay and that I would never leave her, which I was able to do, thank God.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I can't get the image or sounds of my husband taking his last breath while having a massive heart attack. I can picture it all over and over again . I tried to revive him as well while waiting on the ambulance. I was told by a grief counselor if I was thinking about it to think of it in black and white. Sounds a little crazy to me but we are all so desperate for some type of relief I thought I would mention it. Most of the time I just shake my head trying to get it out. As much as I hate reliving that horrible image I am grateful because I was able to be with him while he left this world and he was not alone . I loved him so much.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Lulu and Dian, It helps to remind ourselves that our loved ones are no longer in pain, emotional and mental anguish or suffering in any way. They are at peace in Heaven now. Everyone leaves this life in some manner. Some leave it the hard way and some leave quietly in their sleep. We, ourselves, have no way of knowing how we are going to leave and what our loved ones will witness.  Our loved ones do not want for us to remember how they left, but rather how they lived and loved. That is the best way for us to honor them, with the legacy of love and memories they gave us.  (HUGS)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
3 hours ago, Dian said:

I can't get the image or sounds of my husband taking his last breath while having a massive heart attack. I can picture it all over and over again . I tried to revive him as well while waiting on the ambulance. I was told by a grief counselor if I was thinking about it to think of it in black and white. Sounds a little crazy to me but we are all so desperate for some type of relief I thought I would mention it. Most of the time I just shake my head trying to get it out. As much as I hate reliving that horrible image I am grateful because I was able to be with him while he left this world and he was not alone . I loved him so much.

I find myself almost finding some smidgen of relief from the emptiness and then the whole nightmare floods back in. Bev on the bed but not responding, putting her on the floor to start CPR. The 911 operator counting the chest compression's. The whole paramedic scene, them taking her out of the house with all the stuff attached and keeping her alive. The SICU room. But then I go to the same place as you. I was there those last three days when nobody else was (except when the cousin could finally manage to get here). I called, I came to see her and to talk to her and hold her hand.  And I was there holding her hand when she left this world. While I never expected it to end this soon, I told her many times I'd be there until the end. 

I don't even dream in black and white, so no chance turning all this real life experience into B&W. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

I don't know about the psychology of it all, all I know is whatever those last moment are, we relive them, over and over and over again.  They haunt us.  After 12 years it's faded a tiny bit, but still there.  They were shocking him, doing compressions, everything to try and save him when they threw me out and locked the door behind me.  It's always haunted me that in his greatest need, I was denied being able to be with him.  Did he think I deserted him?  Or did it bring him a tiny essence of relief to not have to worry about me or my reactions and focus on what he was going through?  I don't know, I guess I have to wait a lifetime to find out.  I only know when we are together again, heaven will exist only to us, for to us two, we'll be the only ones that exist.  Sigh...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
14 hours ago, Dian said:

 As much as I hate reliving that horrible image I am grateful because I was able to be with him while he left this world and he was not alone . I loved him so much.

As painful as those last moments were for me, I too wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. I got to be there with Lori. I was by her side and fighting right along with her to keep her here. The love of my life WAS NOT ALONE. I was there where I always was and I will cherish the thought that I may have provided some small bit of comfort to her. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
40 minutes ago, Eagle-96 said:

As painful as those last moments were for me, I too wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. I got to be there with Lori. I was by her side and fighting right along with her to keep her here. The love of my life WAS NOT ALONE. I was there where I always was and I will cherish the thought that I may have provided some small bit of comfort to her. 

I, too, am glad I was able to be there by her side through it all. I slept by her side at the hospital and hospice and hardly ever left. No matter what happened, I wanted to make sure she knew I was there for her and I know she wanted me there because she told me so. I am glad God allowed me to be there for her since her family wanted to take her elsewhere but the doctors said no. I know God made that happen for us and I thank  Him for it everyday.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

The death stoled him from me just some hours I was away from him. I was with him every second of his sickness but the first time I moved to do some arrangments for a better clinic, I lost him. I don't know which is hardiest being or not being there but I know that and without any memories is still hard. 

But I'm trying to move forward without my love. I have two children to take care and they have lost their father and their grandmother in a couple of months. They don't need a sad face everyday in front of them. They need and have the right to be happy. 

This forum was helpful to me! I struggled several months to find a reason why God punished my family being apart. A friend helped me to understand that wasn't a punishment. They left us this life because they had accomplished their mission on earth and the future might have been to hard for them and our family to see them suffering. We have a lot of good memories together! 

I know that this pain is as a rollercoaster that comes and goes. It is not easy! But living with our beloved ones we have learned to leave with love. And this love and with the help of God we will find a way to continue. Nobody is eternal! Soon or later we will meet them again! 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
2 hours ago, SashaS said:

The death stoled him from me just some hours I was away from him. I was with him every second of his sickness but the first time I moved to do some arrangments for a better clinic, I lost him. I don't know which is hardiest being or not being there but I know that and without any memories is still hard. 

But I'm trying to move forward without my love. I have two children to take care and they have lost their father and their grandmother in a couple of months. They don't need a sad face everyday in front of them. They need and have the right to be happy. 

This forum was helpful to me! I struggled several months to find a reason why God punished my family being apart. A friend helped me to understand that wasn't a punishment. They left us this life because they had accomplished their mission on earth and the future might have been to hard for them and our family to see them suffering. We have a lot of good memories together! 

I know that this pain is as a rollercoaster that comes and goes. It is not easy! But living with our beloved ones we have learned to leave with love. And this love and with the help of God we will find a way to continue. Nobody is eternal! Soon or later we will meet them again! 

 

I don't know how I would be handling things if she had passed away when I wasn't with her. This is part of why I hardly left her side. I only left maybe two or three times once it looked like the time was near.  The other reason is that I just wanted to have as much time with Lily as possible since I knew our time together, her time on earth was short. When I say we had almost 20 years together, the number seems like a long time, but in reality, the time seems so short. It went by so fast and I how I wish for more time with her.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
2 hours ago, Lulu said:

I don't know how I would be handling things if she had passed away when I wasn't with her. This is part of why I hardly left her side. I only left maybe two or three times once it looked like the time was near.  The other reason is that I just wanted to have as much time with Lily as possible since I knew our time together, her time on earth was short. When I say we had almost 20 years together, the number seems like a long time, but in reality, the time seems so short. It went by so fast and I how I wish for more time with her.

I didn't know that he was at the end. Everything happened so unfairly. He had that unexpected internal bleeding which took his life. That's it seems to me like he was stolen from me. 

We had together too for almost 20 years but in reality to me looks like 20 days. When he was sick I wished and I prayed so much for more time with him but this wish did not come true for us. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
21 hours ago, SashaS said:

The death stoled him from me just some hours I was away from him. I was with him every second of his sickness but the first time I moved to do some arrangments for a better clinic, I lost him.

Reading this made me think of this article:

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-coping-with-moment-of-death.html

I wish I could have been there in his final moment but that option was ripped from me.  One consolation is perhaps it allowed him to focus easier on his final transition. 
 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
On 7/18/2017 at 4:15 PM, SashaS said:

I didn't know that he was at the end. Everything happened so unfairly. He had that unexpected internal bleeding which took his life. That's it seems to me like he was stolen from me. 

We had together too for almost 20 years but in reality to me looks like 20 days. When he was sick I wished and I prayed so much for more time with him but this wish did not come true for us. 

I too prayed and prayed for God to make her better. She was hanging on and all we could do was pray. Treatment was stopped so only God could make her better. I often thought is this God giving us extra time to do something for her. We asked him to save her and to let us help her, so what if He said, here is more time, do something! Show me you will do whatever you can for her. I wish I could have but I had no say! Her family seemed to just want to hurry things along! I've kept that to myself but it's how I felt then and I how I feel now. I hope she forgives me for thinking it and I hope she forgives them for not fighting for her (just like she thought). I also pray to God to help me get over this anger and resentment, and to help her family as well move forward. It is just so painful to see someone act like they were the suffering martyr when it was Lily who was the one suffering and going through the pain. I pray that she has forgiven them and that she sends me a sign that she is in peace and is well.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.


×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.