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Lost my soulmate


Lulu

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18 hours ago, KMB said:

Lulu,

There is nothing wrong with you! Don't ever think that about yourself! Lily is always going to be with you spiritually. In time, when you are not grieving as intensely as you are, you'll be able to sense or feel her presence. Keep talking to Lily, she does hear and see you.  (HUGS)

 

5 hours ago, KayC said:

She is with you whether you feel anything or not, mostly it is a going by faith thing, not a feeling thing anyway.  Nothing wrong with you at all!

I do believe she is with me. I guess I just want some sort of sign that will confirm my belief. But, I guess that is why it's called faith. You believe without seeing. I keep telling myself we will see each other again in Heaven, and remind myself that she is happy. God is taking care of her now, and no one can take better care of her than Him! I will continue talking to her and hopefully, one day it won't end in tears, but in a smile remembering the good times we shared and all the happy moments. She was SO generous, wonderful, and sweet! I just can't get used to not having that wonderful person to talk and laugh with. That is the hardest. Our friendship. I miss it so. Growing up, I was lonely because of my shyness but I had family around to distract me and to keep me company. Now, it's been years that I always had my Lily with me and I never felt lonely, except for when she would visit her family. But, the lonliness is unbearable sometimes and now I have no family near me, nor do I have any real, close friends. Some people would say stay in touch, let me know if you need me. And it's so hard for me to reach out, but I have and all I get in return is hang in there! or I know it's hard but you must remember the good times. And then a stay in touch and nothing else. Why do I have to keep reaching out just to get nothing in return. I've come to understand these are just platitudes but why say it if you don't mean it. The only person I talk with on a regular basis is my mother and usually, I have nothing to say. I talk about my day, which is pretty boring since I don't do anything but go to work and come home. I'll ask her about her day and what she is up to and other family members, but I really don't have much to say. She knows I'm lonely and so she stays on the phone with me for as long as possible. But, when I get off the phone, I still have that terrible loneliness. Perhaps I will get used to it, but it seems like a terrible way to live. I never really thought I would be living alone without anyone to depend on or to depend on me. I have siblings but they are off in their own worlds, they don't even reach out to me. It hurts that my Lily's passing meant nothing to them while it meant everything to me. It destroyed my world and yet no one notices or cares. Sometimes i feel like maybe I'm just being such a downer but it's  how I feel. I feel no happiness, no matter how I try to fool or distract myself. I keep telling myself that one day the pain will be less, the loneliness will be less noticeable, and I will just go on adjusted to my new life. But, I in the now and that day seems so far away.

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1 hour ago, Lulu said:

 

I do believe she is with me. I guess I just want some sort of sign that will confirm my belief. But, I guess that is why it's called faith. You believe without seeing. I keep telling myself we will see each other again in Heaven, and remind myself that she is happy. God is taking care of her now, and no one can take better care of her than Him! I will continue talking to her and hopefully, one day it won't end in tears, but in a smile remembering the good times we shared and all the happy moments. She was SO generous, wonderful, and sweet! I just can't get used to not having that wonderful person to talk and laugh with. That is the hardest. Our friendship. I miss it so.

I do believe too that he is always with me. The death sapareted us from the physical but our spirits are still united. I think Lulu that our love for them keeps us united. We are together. And sometimes I think if my spirit is sad does his spirit is like mine? I hope not but anyway I try to remember good times of ours and to forget the last months. I dont want him to be sad!

Tomorrow with my kids we will spend some vacations in the beach. We promissed to our children to go after his sickness in better times. These are the first vacations without him. Is hard but we will try and I know he will be with us. 

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Lulu, 

You're speaking my language my friend. You essentially summed it up when you stated that after you're off the phone, you're back to being alone. God, do I know how that is. I know intimately much of what you're experiencing, and it is remorseless. The loneliness is so complete and overwhelming, it casts a long shadows, it covers not only our future, but our past as well. Our memories have been changed forever, at least how we perceive them. The good memories will still bring joy and fondness, they'll still bring us comfort, but now those memories will be considered not with the purity of innocent recollection, but with the bitter knowledge that those are all we'll have of our beloved, that we will never relive or share them with our beloved, and perhaps the most painful of all, each memory will serve as a marker in time that eventually leads to their passing. I know my friend, I know. I also know this, things will change. It's okay to doubt me, I doubt me all the time, so it's fine. It does ease up, you will, perhaps without realizing it, start to accept and cope. Your mind and body will require this, to function, to live, you will begin to breathe easier, to cry only half the day, sleep will gradually "normalize", all in time. I'm 6 months out, and it hurts like hell, I don't expect it to completely go away, that's foolish, but I would be lying if I said that things weren't relatively better now than 2 or 3 months ago. Everyone of us are different, it may be a longer or shorter period of time, the changes for you may be different, but they will come. 

The signs I received from my wife or God  (perhaps he facilitated them on her behalf?), were experienced when I wasn't looking for them. I believe signs are there all the time, patterns that we can't see, won't see, or aren't ready to see. Whether you "see" them or not, Lily is aware, she is present in whatever ways she can be, but she is okay. I can't prove this, it's what I believe and what's more, it's what I know as truth. Everyone comes to the truth of reality in whatever way they've been led to it, this, in part, is the way I understand things. I'm not trying to convince or persuade, I'm just sharing. 

Please, hang in there, keep "punching". Winning, losing, success or failure, those are just possible outcomes, it's the unrelenting act of never giving up that matters. That's how we finish, we don't stop. I have to claw myself out of bed every morning, I have to fight the urge to walk away from my job everyday, I have to remind myself why (daughter, parents) it's important I stay in this fight. Life is a fight, a brutal, uncaring beast that will take all we have, but through it all, we find beauty and love, and if we're blessed, we get to call it ours, at least for a time. All the pain, the sorrow, the never ending grief, I imagine that Lily is worth every tear. So is living. Lily needs you to remember that, fight for what you had, who she was, and for your "tomorrows".

Peace my friend, strength and love,

Andy 

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4 hours ago, Andy said:

Please, hang in there, keep "punching". Winning, losing, success or failure, those are just possible outcomes, it's the unrelenting act of never giving up that matters. That's how we finish, we don't stop. I have to claw myself out of bed every morning, I have to fight the urge to walk away from my job everyday, I have to remind myself why (daughter, parents) it's important I stay in this fight. Life is a fight, a brutal, uncaring beast that will take all we have, but through it all, we find beauty and love, and if we're blessed, we get to call it ours, at least for a time. All the pain, the sorrow, the never ending grief, I imagine that Lily is worth every tear. So is living. Lily needs you to remember that, fight for what you had, who she was, and for your "tomorrows".

Peace my friend, strength and love,

Andy 

I will keep 'punching' Andy. I will keep trying and keep living for her. I know it's what she'd want. She knew I would struggle, which is why I think she tried to hang on. But I told her it was ok to let go, that I would be ok, that it'd be hard but I would stay strong. Now, I have to back up my words and promise to her and keep going. It's just so hard and painful. I never knew loneliness like this before, but with her in my heart, I know I can do anything. I'm so grateful for the wonderful friends I've found on this forum. It's so unfortunate that such pain binds us all together. 

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bradley1985
8 hours ago, Lulu said:

I do believe she is with me. I guess I just want some sort of sign that will confirm my belief. But, I guess that is why it's called faith. You believe without seeing.

I dont expect a sign.  I didnt get a sign that she was going to die.  For god to give me a sign that shes ok in heaven seems to me like cruel and unusual punishment.  Its like really?  No sign that she was going to die but here's a sign that shes ok now?  Not a god I even want to know.  Revealing to me she was deathly sick would have been a god I like to know.  A god that only reveals she is ok in Heaven now that she's gone without any revelation sounds like nothing more than a prankster to me.  

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bradley1985
9 hours ago, Lulu said:

But, the lonliness is unbearable sometimes and now I have no family near me, nor do I have any real, close friends. Some people would say stay in touch, let me know if you need me. And it's so hard for me to reach out, but I have and all I get in return is hang in there! or I know it's hard but you must remember the good times. And then a stay in touch and nothing else. Why do I have to keep reaching out just to get nothing in return. I've come to understand these are just platitudes but why say it if you don't mean it. The only person I talk with on a regular basis is my mother and usually, I have nothing to say. I talk about my day, which is pretty boring since I don't do anything but go to work and come home. I'll ask her about her day and what she is up to and other family members, but I really don't have much to say. She knows I'm lonely and so she stays on the phone with me for as long as possible. But, when I get off the phone, I still have that terrible loneliness. Perhaps I will get used to it, but it seems like a terrible way to live. I never really thought I would be living alone without anyone to depend on or to depend on me. I have siblings but they are off in their own worlds, they don't even reach out to me. It hurts that my Lily's passing meant nothing to them while it meant everything to me. It destroyed my world and yet no one notices or cares. Sometimes i feel like maybe I'm just being such a downer but it's  how I feel. I feel no happiness, no matter how I try to fool or distract myself. I keep telling myself that one day the pain will be less, the loneliness will be less noticeable, and I will just go on adjusted to my new life. But, I in the now and that day seems so far away.

Agree.  Agree. Agree.  I dont have much to say to anyone either.  I quit calling back to the usa a few weeks ago.  I just cant listen to people's lives and about there family and normal stuff while feeling my life has been ripped away from me.  My siblings sometimes reach  out and tell me to have fun.  Yeah, right.  My friends want to talk and they want to help but they dont know how.  I am not really even sure there's anything they can do.  I just dont have much to say.  I am definitely a downer.  Sorry, but there is nothing to be remotely happy about.  I have tried to fool myself but it doesnt work.  I also just keep telling myself the pain will be less.  Its just a dull grey world without my wife.  The sunshine seems like its a lost effort without being able to shine on Nicole.  The rain is worse but in a way its better as at least the weather matches me.  Anxiety, guilt, and resentment seem to have gone down after the grief programs.  Depression and hopelessness have not. 

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17 hours ago, Lulu said:

I do believe she is with me. I guess I just want some sort of sign that will confirm my belief. But, I guess that is why it's called faith. You believe without seeing. I keep telling myself we will see each other again in Heaven, and remind myself that she is happy. God is taking care of her now, and no one can take better care of her than Him! I will continue talking to her and hopefully, one day it won't end in tears, but in a smile remembering the good times we shared and all the happy moments.

This is a very positive post!  I hope you can keep reminding yourself of this when you're feeling down.  This is a roller coaster ride, for sure!  I hope you get that sign, keep your eyes peeled!

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16 hours ago, bradley1985 said:

Agree.  Agree. Agree.  I dont have much to say to anyone either.  I quit calling back to the usa a few weeks ago.  I just cant listen to people's lives and about there family and normal stuff while feeling my life has been ripped away from me.  My siblings sometimes reach  out and tell me to have fun.  Yeah, right.  My friends want to talk and they want to help but they dont know how.  I am not really even sure there's anything they can do.  I just dont have much to say.  I am definitely a downer.  Sorry, but there is nothing to be remotely happy about.  I have tried to fool myself but it doesnt work.  I also just keep telling myself the pain will be less.  Its just a dull grey world without my wife.  The sunshine seems like its a lost effort without being able to shine on Nicole.  The rain is worse but in a way its better as at least the weather matches me.  Anxiety, guilt, and resentment seem to have gone down after the grief programs.  Depression and hopelessness have not. 

For the most part, I  have gotten over the resentment and anger but there are times that it does creep back up. It is mostly against the people we trusted to help her and give her a fighting chance. Seems they all gave up so soon while we were still hoping for something! Funny, the two people that seemed to be most affected by this were willing and wanting to keep fighting and yet we had no voice. I try not to think about it. I know she wouldn't want me to. She was a forgiving soul. The things I could tell but I don't risk it. I am trying so hard to keep the depression at bay. I know I could easily fall into it. This past weekend was proof. I was near hysterics and all alone. If I go there, I know I won't come back out, or worse. I won't lie and say the thought of just ending this pain has not crossed my mind. But, I want to see my Lily again and so I don't dare, no matter how tempting. I really do believe I will see her again, one day. It's just that THAT day seems so far away.

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Those kind of people mostly only talk and give strange ideas but they usually dont do anything. They are for nothing! I had too some of this kind. He (my husband) was also a forgiving soul. But we dont have to add more pain. We have enough! 

18 minutes ago, Lulu said:

But, I want to see my Lily again and so I don't dare, no matter how tempting. I really do believe I will see her again, one day. It's just that THAT day seems so far away.

I believe Lily is with you! Until the day you will look for her, she always will be with you! 

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SashaS every day I believe more and more that she is with me. I just know she is looking out for me. She taught me so much, I just wish I had let her know when I had a chance. But she knew how much I loved her and how much she meant to me. She knew I cherished her above everything. Her illness brought us together even more and I know God gave me the strength to be there for her and to take care of her when she needed me. I never tired or felt overwhelmed. And that was God working through me but He is now taking care of her. I know they both are taking care of me and are with me every day. I keep holding on to this and I hope one day the pain and loneliness will be less. For now, I just keep taking one day at a time.

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I believe that too (that they are with us), if only they could answer!

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4 hours ago, KayC said:

I believe that too (that they are with us), if only they could answer!

I really do even though I often feel terrible loneliness and sadness. the pain is deep. I just wish when I talk to her that I would get some kind of response. anything. perhaps I am not ready for it or my grief does not allow me to truly be still to receive it. and just like clockwork, the waves of pain and loneliness are starting to rise today. the weekends are so terrible and I do not want to feel the despair I felt this past weekend. I will try going into town to the Barnes & Noble and read a book. I just finished Mary Neal's book on her NDE and it was so uplifting and gave me hope. My Lily just keeps going through my mind, how much I miss her, what a wonderful person she was, and how can it be that she is no longer physically here. I guess I just can't accept it even though I am trying.

I was just thinking that before Lily, I used to go to bookstores by myself and read just to kill time. I was lonely and was just trying to make the days go by faster. Or, I'd go to the library or other shops just wasting time. Although Lily and I would go together later on, it was always with a purpose and we'd then go have lunch or dinner. Now, it seems I'll be back to my old ways trying to just kill time. That thought brought on such a sadness on me. I thought those days were over.

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Lulu, I have always been an avid reader. I lost that interest after my husband crossed over. I was unable to focus, concentrate, for a long time. I have been able to pick up reading again, fortunately, so I can escape this unwanted reality for a bit. There are a couple of books that might help you, like they did for me. You mentioned reading a book about an NDE. These books take that further, if you are interested. The author is Mark Anthony. the books are *Never Letting Go* and *Evidence of Eternity*. B & N might have them or your library. The books help explain why we are here, why our life works out the way it does and what goes on in the afterlife. Even though I am miserable without my husband, these books gave proof that he is healthy, perfect and at peace in his spiritual life.  Your Lily will be there to meet you when it is your turn to leave this physical life.  (HUGS)

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I'll definitely check those books out, KMB. Years ago, I was an a I'd reader, but with work and life, I kind of stopped. I never felt the need to escape. I loved every minute with my Lily. Now, they have s given me some comfort. I read quite a few on grief and they along with this forum have helped me to realize how I feel is normal. I'm not crazy and my feelings are legitimate. It's just hard some days to feel like I can go on, the pain, loneliness and sadness is so strong. But I know Lily would want me to be strong. I just know it and so I keep going for her. I want to be reunited with her, so I know I have to keep going, no matter how painful.

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I was an avid reader until George died, after ten years I finally got it back so I'm making up for lost time now! :)

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7 minutes ago, KayC said:

I was an avid reader until George died, after ten years I finally got it back so I'm making up for lost time now! :)

In the last two months, I've read more books than I had in the last 10 to 15 years! I have the time and they are a tool in my grieving. 

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57 minutes ago, Lulu said:

I have the time and they are a tool in my grieving. 

We need all the love, support, understanding and any coping tools we can handle during this time and into the unknown future. The pain of our loss is always going to be just under the surface and it is a a trial to live with it.  (HUGS)

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I was cleaning out some things and I found all of the cards Lily and I had given each other over the years. She had saved them all. Along with the cards, were notes and letters she had written me early on. They brought back so many emotions and memories! And tears. The love she had for me is undeniable. I knew it but it was so good to be reminded in her own words and writing. About 7 years ago, she mentioned she was going to get rid of them to avoid anyone finding them. I said that's fine, we don't need them. We have each other. Well, she never did. I'm glad she didn't. I'll keep them close to my heart forever. I read each card and note with tears rolling down my face. The last card I read was a birthday card she had given me. It said:

Why do I love you so much?

Because I trust you more than anyone in the world to listen, to help me through, to remind me how to laugh when times are trying.

Why do I love you so much?

Because you're a part of my favorite memories as well as my most important dreams.

Why do I love you so much?

Because I can't imagine what life would be like without love, and I can't imagine what love would be like without you.

Love you, Lily!

This was us, is us...My sweet Lily... I miss you!

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While it is a tool in our grieving, it was a struggle for me to make it through the grief books.  It's as if my brain was damaged the day he died and I could no longer focus.  Work became a struggle.  Thinking was a struggle.  Reading became hard at best and no longer something I enjoyed.  That I finally got it back after ten years is nothing short of a miracle to me, I'd thought it gone forever.  I could read the newspaper or short articles, but I couldn't "get into" books like I once did,not to where I was lost in them and didn't want to put them down.  It is a relief to me to be able to enjoy this activity once again.

Lulu, your card is beautiful.  You all shared something very special.

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Lulu

59 minutes ago, Lulu said:

 

I was cleaning out some things and I found all of the cards Lily and I had given each other over the years. She had saved them all. Along with the cards, were notes and letters she had written me early on. They brought back so many emotions and memories! And tears. The love she had for me is undeniable. I knew it but it was so good to be reminded in her own words and writing. About 7 years ago, she mentioned she was going to get rid of them to avoid anyone finding them. I said that's fine, we don't need them. We have each other. Well, she never did. I'm glad she didn't. I'll keep them close to my heart forever. I read each card and note with tears rolling down my face. The last card I read was a birthday card she had given me. It said:

Why do I love you so much?

Because I trust you more than anyone in the world to listen, to help me through, to remind me how to laugh when times are trying.

Why do I love you so much?

Because you're a part of my favorite memories as well as my most important dreams.

Why do I love you so much?

Because I can't imagine what life would be like without love, and I can't imagine what love would be like without you.

Love you, Lily!

This was us, is us...My sweet Lily... I miss you!

 

What a beautiful spirit! 

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Lulu, Thank you for sharing something so intimately private and beautiful. I have every single card, note and letter from my husband as well. Even the little reminder notes he would leave for me before going to work. He would include something to make me smile or laugh. I adored my husband and have everything he ever gave me or I kept out of sentimentality. Ticket stubs and even those ridiculous *Hello--My name is --- * tags from special events we attended. I kept everything and so grateful that I did, even though there is pain attached to the memories.

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Reading through the cards and letters just reminded me what a wonderful person she was and how important we were to each other. She was everything to me and now it's so hard to go on without her. I walk through the house and I think how can this be? How can you no longer be here? This was YOUR home. We made it our home together and now I'm supposed to go on living here without you? How can this be? How did this happen? It's not supposed to be like this! I'm not supposed to be  here all alone, I'm missing my second half. It has been Lily and Lulu for so long. I thought of me as US. Always two. When I went shopping, it was always for two. Food, clothes, supplies, always for two. Now, it's only for one? It doesn't seem right. And no one understands that. Only my new friends on this forum get it, but no one else does! They don't even bring it up to me anymore and when I bring it up, it's like they think I shouldn't still be  having such a hard time. Or, that I should be happy that she is with God. I am but it doesn't mean I'm happy she is not with me, that I'm alone, that I have to go on without her. It just doesn't make sense.

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Lulu, I understand that none of it makes sense. I feel the same. This house, my husband grew up here. When he inherited it, we turned it into our home.I feel my husband was blessed to be able to spend a little over 11 years back in the home that brought him comfort and happiness because he had me with him to enjoy it and the memories of his childhood. The pain is constant, I get it. I live with it everyday and always will. It is not as gut wrenching intense like it was in the beginning months, but it is always there.

HUGS to you--- We are here along with you!

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2 hours ago, Lulu said:

Reading through the cards and letters just reminded me what a wonderful person she was and how important we were to each other. She was everything to me and now it's so hard to go on without her. I walk through the house and I think how can this be? How can you no longer be here? This was YOUR home. We made it our home together and now I'm supposed to go on living here without you? How can this be? How did this happen? It's not supposed to be like this! I'm not supposed to be  here all alone, I'm missing my second half. It has been Lily and Lulu for so long. I thought of me as US. Always two. When I went shopping, it was always for two. Food, clothes, supplies, always for two. Now, it's only for one? It doesn't seem right. And no one understands that. Only my new friends on this forum get it, but no one else does! They don't even bring it up to me anymore and when I bring it up, it's like they think I shouldn't still be  having such a hard time. Or, that I should be happy that she is with God. I am but it doesn't mean I'm happy she is not with me, that I'm alone, that I have to go on without her. It just doesn't make sense.

That's exactly what I feel like! The life seems so different and so meaningless. I miss my other part! 

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1 hour ago, SashaS said:

That's exactly what I feel like! The life seems so different and so meaningless. I miss my other part! 

I know! This morning I said to myself as I was getting dressed for work, I just don't think I can make it. I am taking it day by day, but it's exhausting to constantly tell myself she is okay, she is in Heaven, I will see her again one day, God will guide me, she'd want me to go on, and to keep telling myself not to think about her last few months and days, and to not think about all the things we will no longer share, to not think about the items at the store as I walk by them that she would like or that remind me of her, when I buy a bottled water, not to grab one for her, when I stop for gas on my way home not to call  her and ask if she needs some gas to stop by the gas station I'm at and I will wait for her, as I grab something from a fast food place not to text her and see if she wants something, to be at home and not ask her what do you want to watch, do you want to go outside with me while I water the plants, do you want me to help you with anything. It's a constant effort to keep these thoughts and more out of my head and I still end up in tears. I am trying so hard but it seems like an endless battle against the constand heartache and loneliness.

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On 6/25/2017 at 9:51 AM, KayC said:

it was a struggle for me to make it through the grief books.

I had the same issue in the beginning months. I would read a few sentences, maybe a paragraph, and I would toss the book aside. I couldn't focus. I didn't want to read anything about grieving. I was breathing and living it. What is a book going to do for me? Why do I have to read anything period? My husband should still be here. I shouldn't need to be reading on coping skills and stages of grief. I felt resentful for awhile. But time does its thing in evolving, and I have done some grief work reading. I still do not like it, but it has been helpful.

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8 minutes ago, Lulu said:

I am trying so hard but it seems like an endless battle against the constand heartache and loneliness.

It is an endless battle. A battle that is useless. I feel we just have to go with the flow of feelings because they are going to live with us.  (HUGS)

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3 hours ago, KMB said:

I had the same issue in the beginning months. I would read a few sentences, maybe a paragraph, and I would toss the book aside. I couldn't focus. I didn't want to read anything about grieving. I was breathing and living it. What is a book going to do for me? Why do I have to read anything period? My husband should still be here. I shouldn't need to be reading on coping skills and stages of grief. I felt resentful for awhile. But time does its thing in evolving, and I have done some grief work reading. I still do not like it, but it has been helpful.

Interesting. I have too much time and I couldn't bear it. Reading grief books helped to fill my time and to keep my mind occupied; otherwise, I would just sink deeper and deeper into my thoughts of despair. The books also helped to validate my feelings and that it was okay to feel the way I did. They also gave me hope and reinforced by belief that Lily is okay and I will see her again. Of course, there were some that had info about how I need to make myself go out and participate in activities and find new friendships to help, but I just said no. I'm not ready, nor do I  need new friends. It's true I wish I could talk to someone in person about my feelings but the effort involved in making new friends for someone like me, is just too much and I couldn't deal with both at the same time, grief and explaining everything to new people. The books and this forum have helped me tremendously! I feel like I can share my feelings and emotions here without jugdement and people understand, I'm not being rushed to get over it or to get professional help. I don't have to explain that everyone moves at their own pace and there's nothing wrong with still struggling two months after my Lily's passing. 20 years cannot be overcome within a matter of weeks! I truly feel like a part of me is missing and that is not easily overcome!

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Lulu, :wub:    I hope that is a smiley face with hearts! Even with bifocals, seeing is not easy!

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8 hours ago, KMB said:

Lulu, :wub:    I hope that is a smiley face with hearts! Even with bifocals, seeing is not easy!

Lol, thanks, KMB! I'm grateful for anything that brings me a smile. 

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20 hours ago, KMB said:

Why do I have to read anything period? My husband should still be here. I shouldn't need to be reading on coping skills and stages of grief. I felt resentful for awhile.

I remember feeling this way too!  I felt angry that I should be having to do all this grief work, I didn't ask for this!  I just wanted my husband back!

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16 hours ago, Lulu said:

20 years cannot be overcome within a matter of weeks! I truly feel like a part of me is missing and that is not easily overcome!

Exactly!  And this grief isn't something we get through and it's over and done with.  People are very unrealistic if they think we should "be over it by now"!  It's not something you "get over", it's something we learn to live with and that is    s u c h   a   l o n g g g   p r o c e s s s s ! !

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Last night, I thought I was feeling a little bit better, but then I woke up in the middle of the night with her in my thoughts. And I felt the intense pain start over. This morning has not been any different. I have work to provide a distraction, but that's all it is. I always go back to thinking about my Lily and how unfair all this is. I know life is going to happen how it's going to happen, but that doesn't make it any easier to accept or understand WHY it happened. I wish, I wish, I wish is all I can say.

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3 hours ago, Lulu said:

Last night, I thought I was feeling a little bit better, but then I woke up in the middle of the night with her in my thoughts. And I felt the intense pain start over. This morning has not been any different. I have work to provide a distraction, but that's all it is. I always go back to thinking about my Lily and how unfair all this is. I know life is going to happen how it's going to happen, but that doesn't make it any easier to accept or understand WHY it happened. I wish, I wish, I wish is all I can say.

That WHY is so hard to give an answer and then accepting the fact that we will not see them in this life is unlogic to me. 

I turned back from some days of  vacation with my children. Just to change a bit situation for them and for me too. But nothing happened. I miss him even more. I was surprised with myself how am I doing this vacation without him?! 

Other people around me are indifferent of the fact of my pain.  In other words they say: Is quite 7 months now. You have passed it! Maybe in their eyes I look like that, I'm not bagging any help. But my inside is like the first day this nightmare started. 

I love him and I miss him and I dont know how my future days will be without him.

Being here is this forum I have understood that I'm not an alien in my feelings. 

It is a long journey! We have to be patient and try to find ways of standing. I dont see any light to find that why. We have to try to stand for them. We dont want see them suffer. Because of love we are spiritually bonded. 

 

 

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22 hours ago, SashaS said:

That WHY is so hard to give an answer and then accepting the fact that we will not see them in this life is unlogic to me. 

I turned back from some days of  vacation with my children. Just to change a bit situation for them and for me too. But nothing happened. I miss him even more. I was surprised with myself how am I doing this vacation without him?! 

Other people around me are indifferent of the fact of my pain.  In other words they say: Is quite 7 months now. You have passed it! Maybe in their eyes I look like that, I'm not bagging any help. But my inside is like the first day this nightmare started. 

I love him and I miss him and I dont know how my future days will be without him.

Being here is this forum I have understood that I'm not an alien in my feelings. 

It is a long journey! We have to be patient and try to find ways of standing. I dont see any light to find that why. We have to try to stand for them. We dont want see them suffer. Because of love we are spiritually bonded. 

 

 

I know, I feel so lonely and sad most days. And I feel like I am so alone in a world of billions. Once I get off work, and walk out the door, it hits me again how alone I am. I have no one to go home to, no one to call. It's very tough. I feel like I am back to my life in my early twenties when I lived alone and had nothing to do. My life with Lily was so wonderful with just the two of us. I sometimes wonder if God felt I was too dependent on her and took her from me to make me learn to be on my own. But it's not fair! Why did she have to suffer for me to learn a lesson?! If she had just left me, it would be better because I would know I could still call her and see her, even if it was from afar. I still try to remind myself that she is better off in Heaven and that I am really only feeling so much pain because I miss her, but she is okay, she is in peace. Sometimes that gives me comfort but the missing her never goes away.

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On 6/28/2017 at 7:45 AM, Lulu said:

I woke up in the middle of the night with her in my thoughts. And I felt the intense pain start over. This morning has not been any different.

I was having a day like that yesterday, feeling overwhelmed, wishing so much that George was back.  Life without him just seems like too much at times.  I hadn't slept well in a month or so, lucky to get 3-4 hours/night.  Exhaustion wasn't helping.  Last night I told my sister I need antidepressants, higher dosage antianxiety, and sleep medication!  She said, well, maybe more antianxiety medicine. ;)  Waiting until I reach Medicare age (three more months!) and will go back to the doctor to talk about it.  This trying to do it all on my own just isn't working well.  I need help, I've tried long enough!

I'm sorry you're going through so much pain.  We really do get better at dealing with it in time...I'm just going through a bad period, I've had too many calamities hit lately and that has brought up my need for George in my life in an intense way.  If life would settle down, it'd be better.

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15 minutes ago, KayC said:

I was having a day like that yesterday, feeling overwhelmed, wishing so much that George was back.  Life without him just seems like too much at times.  I hadn't slept well in a month or so, lucky to get 3-4 hours/night.  Exhaustion wasn't helping.  Last night I told my sister I need antidepressants, higher dosage antianxiety, and sleep medication!  She said, well, maybe more antianxiety medicine. ;)  Waiting until I reach Medicare age (three more months!) and will go back to the doctor to talk about it.  This trying to do it all on my own just isn't working well.  I need help, I've tried long enough!

I'm sorry you're going through so much pain.  We really do get better at dealing with it in time...I'm just going through a bad period, I've had too many calamities hit lately and that has brought up my need for George in my life in an intense way.  If life would settle down, it'd be better.

I don't think the antidepressants and other meds of this kind would be good for me. I have a job to do and two children to raise up and I need to be clear every minute of my time. The meds can calm for a while but the pain is still there. I think we have to find the strength inside to stand up. 

43 minutes ago, Lulu said:

if God felt I was too dependent on her and took her from me to make me learn to be on my own.

Yes! I think we have to learn to be on our own. That is our challenge! 

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If I have to be on my own, so be it, but why did she have to be the one to suffer to make it happen? That is not fair to her. She didn't deserve the pain and agony and the mental and emotional stress of dealing with cancer and having it return when she thought she was fine. I know life isn't fair and bad things happen to good people all the time, but none of that makes it any easier to understand or accept. If I could have, I would have traded my life for her. One thing I hate hearing is when people say at least she isn't suffering anymore when I say I wish she was here. As if I would want her here sick and hurting. That is so stupid. I want her here but HEALTHY like she was before!

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36 minutes ago, Lulu said:

If I have to be on my own, so be it, but why did she have to be the one to suffer to make it happen? That is not fair to her. She didn't deserve the pain and agony and the mental and emotional stress of dealing with cancer and having it return when she thought she was fine. I know life isn't fair and bad things happen to good people all the time, but none of that makes it any easier to understand or accept. If I could have, I would have traded my life for her. One thing I hate hearing is when people say at least she isn't suffering anymore when I say I wish she was here. As if I would want her here sick and hurting. That is so stupid. I want her here but HEALTHY like she was before!

I dont think that is anybody able in this world to give answer to the question why them and not us or why bad people lives longer. We know that everybody will go early or lately. Lily lived her life with dignity and full of love for everybody. My husband too. He said to me that I'm happy with my life. I think Lily too. A good person have to be. What about our life? We lived with them and we learned from them. Their beautiful spirit! It is said that in this world we dont see the whole view.

In this context I citate you that we have to learn to live in our own. We have to try. In this way our soulmates will be happy. 

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5 minutes ago, SashaS said:

I dont think that is anybody able in this world to give answer to the question why them and not us or why bad people lives longer. We know that everybody will go early or lately. Lily lived her life with dignity and full of love for everybody. My husband too. He said to me that I'm happy with my life. I think Lily too. A good person have to be. What about our life? We lived with them and we learned from them. Their beautiful spirit! It is said that in this world we dont see the whole view.

In this context I citate you that we have to learn to live in our own. We have to try. In this way our soulmates will be happy. 

Thank you, SashaS. You are so right about Lily and your husband. She lived a life with dignity and full of love. There is no doubt about that! I have to remind myself about that and that she taught me a lot about having compassion for others, even when they are not so nice. She was a blessing.

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16 minutes ago, Lulu said:

Thank you, SashaS. You are so right about Lily and your husband. She lived a life with dignity and full of love. There is no doubt about that! I have to remind myself about that and that she taught me a lot about having compassion for others, even when they are not so nice. She was a blessing.

Yes Lulu! They were a blessing for us! We have to remind that! We will miss them always but we have wonderful memories. 

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Lulu,

When people say "At least she isn't suffering anymore" they are trying to think of one bright thing in this desolate situation, and that is the one thing that has consoled me, the thought that it's ME having to go through this and not George.  I don't think he'd have handled it very well.  Not that I did, but I'd rather it be me than him, I'm glad he's spared this at least.  It doesn't mean they think you're stupid or that you can't think of that on your own.  There's something innate in us that makes us want to say something to someone to ease their suffering, unfortunately there really isn't anything we can say that will ease anything, grief is something we have to go through and experience on our own, something we have to find our way through, there's no fix, no cure, nothing that truly eases it.

My other consolation is that we met and got the time we did together, although I feel gypped it wasn't longer...still, I wouldn't change anything about our lives together and that I got to have him in my life, got to know him, that was the greatest privilege of all.

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bradley1985
On 6/26/2017 at 4:57 PM, Lulu said:

 Reading grief books helped to fill my time and to keep my mind occupied; otherwise, I would just sink deeper and deeper into my thoughts of despair. The books also helped to validate my feelings and that it was okay to feel the way I did. They also gave me hope and reinforced by belief that Lily is okay and I will see her again. Of course, there were some that had info about how I need to make myself go out and participate in activities and find new friendships to help, but I just said no. I'm not ready, nor do I  need new friends. It's true I wish I could talk to someone in person about my feelings but the effort involved in making new friends for someone like me, is just too much and I couldn't deal with both at the same time, grief and explaining everything to new people. The books and this forum have helped me tremendously! I feel like I can share my feelings and emotions here without jugdement and people understand, I'm not being rushed to get over it or to get professional help. I don't have to explain that everyone moves at their own pace and there's nothing wrong with still struggling two months after my Lily's passing. 20 years cannot be overcome within a matter of weeks! I truly feel like a part of me is missing and that is not easily overcome!

The books are fantastic.  They validate everything and every feeling I have.  And also validate why I dont want to hear what 90% of the people out there have to say.  People like to say things positive and there really isnt much positive in this situation.  "She isnt suffering anymore" is one of the most stupid things I have ever heard as Nicole was dancing around and trying on clothes a few hours before she had a stroke.  Suffering?  No, she was excited about life.  Better Place?  She was headed to the beach and she loved to collect sea shells.  If there is such a better place why arent we all trying to kill ourselves to get there?  Why arent the folks that say these things smoking, drinking and driving 100MPH on the highway to get there sooner?  

As far as someone to talk to there ARE people out there that will listen without judgement or comment but they are not easy to find.  I'll say that.  

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bradley1985, Have you ever thought of looking at Nicole's passing as a blessing saving her from suffering? What if the stroke had not been fatal, but left her bedridden with paralysis and not much or no chance of rehabilitation? She would not have wanted that for herself, much less wanting to see you suffer over her condition. Just like with my husband's sudden cardiac arrest. If he had been able to be resuscitated, he would have been laid up in a hospital. He was emphatic about never wanting that. He had congestive heart failure. He could have gone from the hospital to a nursing home, too weak to do anything more than lay in bed and most likely wishing his heart attack had been fatal. He would not have wanted me to see his suffering and feeling hopeless and helpless.

As for our loved ones being in a better place, I believe they are. Heaven is a place similar to earth but is filled with love, peace and harmony. Quite the opposite of our physical life here with crime, wars, drugs, sickness and diseases, hate. Most people value their physical life here. It is a gift given to experience the physical before living the spiritual life of Heaven.  ( HUGS)

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KMB, I think of that often. What if Pat survived but was left with horrible illness? He was also not the type to have wanted to live like that. I think it all happened the way it was supposed to. I hate the fact that it happened but it did. None of us can ever really know what it's like for them now. I'm sure it's very different from the physical world here on earth. All we can do is try to live the best we can while we're here. Try to find happiness again in our lives. Someday each of us will find out what this was all about, when it is our time. 

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6 hours ago, HHFaith said:

Someday each of us will find out what this was all about, when it is our time. 

Yes, we will. We are all going to have our turn in leaving this physical life, we just don't know the when and how. It is so difficult and lonely to do this life without the one person we thought we were going to do it with though, for a much longer time. So much of what we carried in our minds doesn't match up with God's plan. We have to blindly trust and have faith that He knows what He is doing. It is a hurtful process without our beloveds, but so much to be learned at the same time.  (HUGS)

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4 hours ago, KMB said:

Yes, we will. We are all going to have our turn in leaving this physical life, we just don't know the when and how. It is so difficult and lonely to do this life without the one person we thought we were going to do it with though, for a much longer time. So much of what we carried in our minds doesn't match up with God's plan. We have to blindly trust and have faith that He knows what He is doing. It is a hurtful process without our beloveds, but so much to be learned at the same time.  (HUGS)

It is indeed a painful process. I keep telling myself that she is better than ok, she's in Heaven and is experiencing so much joy happiness and love. But I still miss her.

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I'm with family right now and the loneliness is always with me. We were looking for some home improvement stuff for one of my sisters and I see all the things Lily and I had picked out to work on our home. It hurts that we'll never do them together and honestly I just don't want to do any of it without her. She can't enjoy it. I also feel like it would be me moving on without her. 

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Some months before my husband passed we have been shopping a lot for the new house. He was so happy and full of life doing that. Without him, now shopping seems so meaningless to me.

Loosing them we have lost the reason to enjoy our life. 

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