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Lost my soulmate


Lulu

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11 hours ago, KMB said:

Lulu, Hang in there. I get how lonely and lost you feel. Try to be your own best friend and do things for yourself. Lily would want the best for you. She is right there by your side giving you peace and comfort.   (HUGS)

I guess I just don't want to move on without her. I've always been one to just to what I needed to get through each day without any fuss when it came to me and my needs. I really devoted myself to her and life was so happy and satisfying with her by my side. Now, I'm so lonely but not for others most times, just for Lily. Learning to be my best friend doesn't make sense to me if I'm honest. Not now. Life just doesn't make sense.

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Lulu, Wish I could take you under my wing. I know life doesn't make sense. Doesn't make sense to me either. When we are lucky enough to find our soulmate, we find ourselves so emotionally attached, codependent on them. It is tough to move forward without them. We, ourselves, don't know how long we'll be in this life, so we have to try to make it work for ourselves somehow.  (HUGS)

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Lulu,

If there was one phrase I could strike from the language, it'd be "move on".  Moving on might be something one can do in divorce but it doesn't seem applicable in grief.  We didn't, after all, ask to lose the person.  We still love them.  Why would we want to move on?  We DO want to figure out how to do our lives now, and that keeps us with our plate full trying to figure out!  One day at a time, or as Darrel used to say, "One foot in front of the other".  

In case anyone was wondering what happened to Darrel, the last I heard from him he was about to be homeless, he seemed to fall off the grid, I hope he's okay and we hear back from him at some point.

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Staying with myself I feel more comfortable than staying with other people.

First other people dont understand my pain, usually they talk stupid things. Or they confirm but I see that they are in their world.

Second, coming from a perfect understanding with my husband  I see the differencies and feel tired to have long communications.

Last, they have their families. 

In this context i think I'm trying to be my best friend for myself. I know I'm alone here but he is virtually in my side. I follow the routine I did with him and trying to do as I can. I think what is his opinion about that. I know that is a kind of isolation but I'm not ready for more. 

 

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2 hours ago, SashaS said:

Staying with myself I feel more comfortable than staying with other people.

First other people dont understand my pain, usually they talk stupid things. Or they confirm but I see that they are in their world.

Second, coming from a perfect understanding with my husband  I see the differencies and feel tired to have long communications.

Last, they have their families. 

In this context i think I'm trying to be my best friend for myself. I know I'm alone here but he is virtually in my side. I follow the routine I did with him and trying to do as I can. I think what is his opinion about that. I know that is a kind of isolation but I'm not ready for more. 

 

You're right SashaS, others don't understand. Sometimes I just want to talk to someone about how low I feel, how sad and lonely, about what a wonderful person my Lily was, but I have no one. Co-workers have stopped asking, that have gone back to business as usual. I can tell they really don't want to talk about it, maybe they are uncomfortable or don't know what to say,but they do not have to say anything, just listen. I have no friends to talk to and family doesn't get it. I am literally going through this in my own. I can talk to Lily and God but I still feel so alone. Bottom line is I miss her, it's not fair she got sick and didn't get better. It's not fair I was left behind. 

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21 minutes ago, Lulu said:

Bottom line is I miss her, it's not fair she got sick and didn't get better. It's not fair I was left behind. 

I understand that bottom line. It's a cruel world! It's not fair he got sick  and it's not fair for us to be here and them there. But it's not up to us. We have to survive and find a new balance in this loniless.

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22 hours ago, KayC said:

Darrel, the last I heard from him he was about to be homeless, he seemed to fall off the grid

What we are going through is beyond material sky. I understand Darrel's feelings, the life seems so different now! Nothing material can lessen the pain or be important. I wish Darrel and anybody else going through this to find the power to stand up. Our physical life is to live as individual. Spiritually we are also united. We have to remember always that our loved ones are missing in physical but not spiritually. They are with us and we are not alone!      

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Sasha, Thank you for the reminder! We have a tendency to keep ourselves in a constant state of misery because we forget where we originated from. We are spiritual beings and after our journey here is done, we will return to the spiritual life where our loved ones now reside. We will be reunited with them again, the soul connection always exists.

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On 6/12/2017 at 6:50 AM, KMB said:

Lulu, Wish I could take you under my wing. I know life doesn't make sense. Doesn't make sense to me either. When we are lucky enough to find our soulmate, we find ourselves so emotionally attached, codependent on them. It is tough to move forward without them. We, ourselves, don't know how long we'll be in this life, so we have to try to make it work for ourselves somehow.  (HUGS)

I guess I'm just not far along enough to feel like the future holds promise for me. I just miss her so much. I miss her sitting across from me, she could be on her phone, and I'd be watching TV but we were together and that's all that mattered. I keep hoping she will somehow come back to me. I don't want to wait another 20 or so years. 

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Lulu, I'm going to pass on an idea that I want to do for myself when I can find someone who does custom sewing. Maybe you can have a favorite shirt of Lily's made into a pillow or you can also use some of her clothes to have made into a quilt. If you do any sewing yourself, it would make for a consoling project to do for yourself and Lily.  (HUGS)

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21 hours ago, KMB said:

Lulu, I'm going to pass on an idea that I want to do for myself when I can find someone who does custom sewing. Maybe you can have a favorite shirt of Lily's made into a pillow or you can also use some of her clothes to have made into a quilt. If you do any sewing yourself, it would make for a consoling project to do for yourself and Lily.  (HUGS)

That's a good idea. I actually sleep with her favorite pillow and wear her favorite house shoes around the house. I've started to worry about wearing them out so I'll probably set them aside for a bit. 

No matter what I do though, it's just no replacement for her. She could just be sitting in the same room and it would be so comforting. I feel so lonely and no one is calling anymore. I feel like I'm starting all over with the insecurities and loneliness of my awkward teen and 20s. It's not as easy as just getting up the courage to go out, it's always been so hard for me. And she understood that about me and helped make things easier for me. Today on my drive home, I really felt like if I died tomorrow no one would care and my pain would stop. I wouldn't hurt myself but I understand those who do now. I never thought I'd say that, but I really do. 

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Every day I tell myself I will be stronger. Lily would not want you to be so sad, she'd want you to be happy and find purpose in life. And every day, I fail. I just rehash the good times that will be no more, and the events of the last year and the last few months. I just can't find any peace. I keep praying for strength but I just can't climb out of this deep hole of sadness and loneliness and anger.

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Its so hard! When I do remember our last days is even harder.  When we left home for the hospital my daughter asked that are You coming dad for Christmas? He didnt. The last day he told me that he missed so much hugging our daughter. But he never did again. Its a cruel world! I know that my husband doesnt want me to be so weak and for that I'm standing. But I still hope that is he coming again?!

We havent been married in the church. Anyway I took my lawful husband, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. Even in death I dont feel we are apart. 

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SashaS, I know that pain. I can't help but to think about her last few months and it's painful but I can't stop. It haunts me. I wish I knew she was in peace and happy and OK now. I believe she is but I want to know! It's something no one can confirm so I pray for her to come to me or for God to give me the answers I seek so badly. Until then I don't think I will have peace. But, each day I try again to stay somewhat hopeful and to get through it without thinking about that time, but the thoughts just pop in my head and the tears and pain start all over.

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I believe she is Ok! We live in a painful world! 

The last months of my husband has been hard too. For me was also hard because some hour before he left us I traveled home to make some arrangments for transferring him in one more specialised clinic. He was Ok, anyway he was in the company of my brother. I have been all the time with him but that moment I left him he had that fatal internal bleeding. I didnt saw his last moments and for that reason I cant accept the fact he is gone. First months I was shocked and I was fixed with one question in my mind: is he Ok? Died but is he ok? When I met him in the dream he was calm. I cant describe anything more than Calm. Not happy, not angry and not sad.  I told you that I got that answer even by his words that Life continues. But my pain is still here with me. I miss him a lot! He was everything for me. I was complete with him and now I feel so empty. I miss his words, his smell, his everything. I know that nobody can help me in this situation and mostly cant understand what I feel. Is beyond the physical. But at least I try writing here to relieve some pain.

I know that the grieving period is individual. If you are looking for an answer for sure You will have it. And I wish with all my heart to find the peace we lately have lost so badly. 

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53 minutes ago, SashaS said:

I believe she is Ok! We live in a painful world! 

The last months of my husband has been hard too. For me was also hard because some hour before he left us I traveled home to make some arrangments for transferring him in one more specialised clinic. He was Ok, anyway he was in the company of my brother. I have been all the time with him but that moment I left him he had that fatal internal bleeding. I didnt saw his last moments and for that reason I cant accept the fact he is gone. First months I was shocked and I was fixed with one question in my mind: is he Ok? Died but is he ok? When I met him in the dream he was calm. I cant describe anything more than Calm. Not happy, not angry and not sad.  I told you that I got that answer even by his words that Life continues. But my pain is still here with me. I miss him a lot! He was everything for me. I was complete with him and now I feel so empty. I miss his words, his smell, his everything. I know that nobody can help me in this situation and mostly cant understand what I feel. Is beyond the physical. But at least I try writing here to relieve some pain.

I know that the grieving period is individual. If you are looking for an answer for sure You will have it. And I wish with all my heart to find the peace we lately have lost so badly. 

I was with her everyday as she fought through surgeries and various treatments. And I was with her when she took her last breath. Believe me, it doesn't make it any easier to have been there. I still can't believe she is gone. I think to myself how can someone who was here smiling, laughing, so full of life just a few months ago, suddenly be gone!? How can this horrible nightmare happen? Maybe I will get my sign from her. I very recently had two or three dreams where I vaguely remember her in them. This is the first time since she left me. But I only remember very little when I wake up. I try to think hard, but it's very little and almost nothing that I start to doubt if it was her in my dreams. No message, no sign that she is trying to tell me everything is ok. Maybe I'm just not seeing them because I am in denial and pain. All I know, the one person who could make this pain go away is no longer. I miss her friendship more than anything. How I wish she was still here for me to just talk to and laugh with, to hear her sweet giggle!

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33 minutes ago, Lulu said:

I was with her everyday as she fought through surgeries and various treatments. And I was with her when she took her last breath. Believe me, it doesn't make it any easier to have been there. I still can't believe she is gone. I think to myself how can someone who was here smiling, laughing, so full of life just a few months ago, suddenly be gone!? How can this horrible nightmare happen? Maybe I will get my sign from her. I very recently had two or three dreams where I vaguely remember her in them. This is the first time since she left me. But I only remember very little when I wake up. I try to think hard, but it's very little and almost nothing that I start to doubt if it was her in my dreams. No message, no sign that she is trying to tell me everything is ok. Maybe I'm just not seeing them because I am in denial and pain. All I know, the one person who could make this pain go away is no longer. I miss her friendship more than anything. How I wish she was still here for me to just talk to and laugh with, to hear her sweet giggle!

I think its more hard for us to accept the fact because it wasnt their time to go. They were young and full of life! 

It's only what I want he was here with us! 

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I don't have anyone I can really talk to about my grief and loneliness. My friends have their families and they dont understand. My brother lives far from where I live and he also has his family. The family of my husband they mostly didnt liked me as his wife and now more than ever stays far away from me and my kids. I have to take care of my kids and mostly I feel I'm not able to take care for anybody. But they are teens now and they are starting the life now. They dont like and dont understand my sadness. I have to hold tears in front of them. I have a job and a cat and some flowers to take care. I have this grieving forum also to write my feelings with the hope at least smbdy will listen and will understand me. I have some signs from my husband that he still lives somewhere but I still miss him all the time even i feel his presence and being connected in the spirit. This is a short description of what I have/dont have. 

 

 

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Sasha, You are helping yourself just by posting on here and letting all those sad feelings out. We read, listen and understand because we are there ourselves. You are not alone here. We know your pain.   (HUGS)

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Its true KMB! Im trying to relieve some pain. I always been a strong and discrete person. But in front of this pain I feel so weak. That is not my way to be. At least I need to be strong for my kids. Writing here helps me to control my weakness and to talk somebody I dont have with. Hugs too

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SashaS, keep posting. It helps to know others feel the same and that others understand. On my way home yesterday, I cried and sobbed so hard. I was crying out to Lily and to God. I said I can't take it anymore! Why is she gone?! Why!? I could barely see the road in front of me through the tears. If something had happened to me I thought no one would notice or care. I think I feel so much pain partly because Lily and I never said goodbye to each other. I said goodbye to her but when she was still alert, we didn't talk about death. She believed she would get better and I didn't want to make her sad and say goodbye. But I also believed and prayed that she would get better. Maybe we were both in denial, but I think we just had so much faith that God would somehow heal her and show everyone that had given up on her that they were wrong! I hope she heard me when I said it was OK to let go and that I would be OK. And that I loved her and always would. I hope she made peace and didn't feel like I too have up on her. I would have given my life for her. 

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I feel your pain.  I didn't get to be with my husband either at the moment of death, and it's hard.  I've had to learn to accept it but it was haunting, oh so haunting.  And so unfair!  We were ALWAYS with each other, through thick and thin, why couldn't they let me there with him when he passed!  In time we accept that they're gone, I remember telling my son, "Trust me, I've looked (all through the house), he's not there! If he were, I would have found him!"  It's weird the things that pass through our minds...

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7 minutes ago, KayC said:

I feel your pain.  I didn't get to be with my husband either at the moment of death, and it's hard.  I've had to learn to accept it but it was haunting, oh so haunting.  And so unfair!  We were ALWAYS with each other, through thick and thin, why couldn't they let me there with him when he passed!  In time we accept that they're gone, I remember telling my son, "Trust me, I've looked (all through the house), he's not there! If he were, I would have found him!"  It's weird the things that pass through our minds...

I was with her when she took her last breath but she wasn't able to communicate for two weeks so we never got to truly say goodbye to each other. It hurts because I tell myself maybe I should have talked to her about the possibility of her not making it when she was lucid. Instead we talked about keeping faith and God would make her better. I didn't want to broach the subject because she didn't want to give up and really thought she was going to get better. That makes me so sad. 

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Even us, we didnt expect death or at least so quickly. His sickness has been so fast from a healthy person going for a couple of months. He was that kind of person which was prepared for the worst and hoped for the best. Sometimes in the hospital he tried to talk with me for the worst. But I denied that. I hoped so much that God will helped us. One day in the hospital we were reading a magazine about some news on science and we saw something on head transplant. We were joking with each other. How they are going to call this person?! The mind will be of another body and body will be of another mind. And there the subject of death is opened. I said to him that I strongly believe that life doesnt finish here in the physical. That I have seen my dad and my mom in their last moments and I'm a believer! He said to me Ok! I accept that! But what about my consciousness. Will I be there the same I'm here? I didnt know how to answer. The discussion ended there. But started again when I met him in that vivid dream. As we saw each other I told to him: - you see life continues. And he accepted saying: - yes it continues. 

Lulu! As much as I think, we have our doubts for every situation. I would prefer to have gone firstly, instead of him. But here in my place is also so much suffering. I hope there is more peace than here. That makes me feel better! 

 

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I think she would have handled things better than me if I had gone first. But I think she would have had more financial struggles because I made more and I would not want her to go through that. But I would have tried to make sure she was taken care of. I just don't know but I can't take this pain. Please God help me.

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8 minutes ago, Lulu said:

I think she would have handled things better than me if I had gone first. But I think she would have had more financial struggles because I made more and I would not want her to go through that. But I would have tried to make sure she was taken care of. I just don't know but I can't take this pain. Please God help me.

I think she would had suffered too from the pain of loosing her soulmate. That its not a small one.  I have to raise two kids and I have to work hardier. But in front of that pain in my soul that one is insignificant. 

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9 minutes ago, SashaS said:

I think she would had suffered too from the pain of loosing her soulmate. That its not a small one.  I have to raise two kids and I have to work hardier. But in front of that pain in my soul that one is insignificant. 

You're right. I guess I think I needed her more because I am so shy and she was everything to me, while she was very outgoing and would have easily made lots of friends. But you're right I would not want her to suffer like I am. I just wish she was here. I have such low moments but I am trying to take each day one at a time.

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bradley1985
6 hours ago, Lulu said:

You're right. I guess I think I needed her more because I am so shy and she was everything to me, while she was very outgoing and would have easily made lots of friends. But you're right I would not want her to suffer like I am. I just wish she was here. I have such low moments but I am trying to take each day one at a time.

My wife loved me but she could have handled this much better.  She actually "enjoyed" her time with others when she was not with me.  She made friends easier.  She just automatically knew how to get along in society better.  She was "cooler" than me.  Etc Etc.  I really "only" wanted to be with her when doing things or at least have her present and I never really enjoyed doing things with others when she was not present.  Even after 6 months I still wish it would have been me and not her.  Because she would have been able to "build" a life whereby it seems any life I "build" is just going to be incomplete.  Hardly worth doing.

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9 hours ago, bradley1985 said:

My wife loved me but she could have handled this much better.  She actually "enjoyed" her time with others when she was not with me.  She made friends easier.  She just automatically knew how to get along in society better.  She was "cooler" than me.  Etc Etc.  I really "only" wanted to be with her when doing things or at least have her present and I never really enjoyed doing things with others when she was not present.  Even after 6 months I still wish it would have been me and not her.  Because she would have been able to "build" a life whereby it seems any life I "build" is just going to be incomplete.  Hardly worth doing.

Lily made friends so easily, people loved her personality and enjoyed being around her. She would have done better than I am, I'm sure of it, when it comes to having someone to talk to or just do something with. But I'm sure the quiet times alone would be hard. 

Everyday I wake up, I start over. I am reminded of her not being here, of how much I love and miss her, if how lonely I feel, if how I how much I wish she was here. Everyday I start over and it's so painful. I will try to have a quiet moment and just be still. Maybe I will feel her presence and I'll get some kind of peace.

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8 hours ago, bradley1985 said:

My wife loved me but she could have handled this much better.  She actually "enjoyed" her time with others when she was not with me.  She made friends easier.  She just automatically knew how to get along in society better.  She was "cooler" than me.  Etc Etc.  I really "only" wanted to be with her when doing things or at least have her present and I never really enjoyed doing things with others when she was not present.  Even after 6 months I still wish it would have been me and not her.  Because she would have been able to "build" a life whereby it seems any life I "build" is just going to be incomplete.  Hardly worth doing.

I undestand your loss Bradley. But I think that we cant predict how our beloved ones will be instead of us. The only thing I can predict for sure if my husband would be in my place is that he will be in suffer too. We loved each other and for about 20 years together we never been apart. Measuring the pain and how he could it be here and I there or the contrary its only supposing. In physical and in the spirit we were united and I miss my other part. I only hope he is there in peace with his father which was a good friend for him! 

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You're right, Sasha. We can't really predict how our loved ones would react. I guess I just know that at least she wouldn't be alone like I am. She would have friends and family to distract her, while I have no one. I miss her and all the little things we'd joke and laugh about. The small things we'd do for each other, like making and sharing a cup of coffee. Fixing each other a sandwich, doing laundry, unlocking the door for each other if we were getting home with groceries or after dark. God, I miss those moments.

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I've been a mess today. I just feel so sad. I miss her so much, more every day it seems. I can hardly breathe from crying. Why am I so alone. I try to reach out to others but they don't seem to get it how much I hurt. They want to talk like it's just another day, the usual for them, but not me! I don't know how many more days like this I can take. I just want her back, if not just for this pain to end.  

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I'm sorry.  I feel your pain, I wish I had a magic wand to help us all. :(

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11 hours ago, Lulu said:

I've been a mess today. I just feel so sad. I miss her so much, more every day it seems. I can hardly breathe from crying. Why am I so alone. I try to reach out to others but they don't seem to get it how much I hurt. They want to talk like it's just another day, the usual for them, but not me! I don't know how many more days like this I can take. I just want her back, if not just for this pain to end.  

I understand your pain Lulu! I wish my prayers bring you comfort and ease your pain. Hugs! 

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Thank you KayC and SashaS. I just can't handle the weekends. During the week I still feel such pain and sadness, but I have work to provide intermittent distractions. Although once I'm done with a task, I just go back to thinking about  her and the events of the last months. But at least, when I go home, I have only a couple of hours to kill before I fall asleep and start the cycle again. On the weekends, I'm all alone and I just have no motivation to do anything. I try to go into town, but it's a long commute to just waste time. Besides, when I go to the store, I see all the things Lily would have liked or that she said she wanted to get later. Pain exists everywhere I look and go. There is no escaping it. I try to tell myself, Stop! Just remember she is in Heaven with God and she is in peace, no pain, no sadness. JUST LOVE! But I can't seem to stop the lonliness and eventual sadness from creeping back up again. I don't think I'm depressed, but what is wrong with me! I've thought about going to a therapist, but I am too shy and the anxiety keeps me from taking that step. I just don't know what to do.

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Lulu! The weekends are hard for me too. I'm trying to determine some goals for the weekends. I have downloaded an app that counts the steps and i go out for a long walk. I like walking and my aim is to do 5000-10000 steps during the day. I feel better after that. No bad thoughts. I also try to prepare some new recipes. You can try whatever else you liked before. As for the therapist if you think to do and that will help you, do it. Dont think about that, just leave an appointment and go. 

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Lulu, I hate the weekends also. I don't care for the week days either, but it seems there is more of a routine to the week. I have been setting up small goals for myself on weekends to get through. Maybe you could locate a therapist that would be willing to conduct their counseling by phone, so you don't have to worry about face to face contact. There are also e- counselors that offer their services via the internet. Just an idea for you to think about.  (HUGS)

Sasha, Hang in there!  HUGS to you also!

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4 hours ago, SashaS said:

Lulu! The weekends are hard for me too. I'm trying to determine some goals for the weekends. I have downloaded an app that counts the steps and i go out for a long walk. I like walking and my aim is to do 5000-10000 steps during the day. I feel better after that. No bad thoughts. I also try to prepare some new recipes. You can try whatever else you liked before. As for the therapist if you think to do and that will help you, do it. Dont think about that, just leave an appointment and go. 

 

2 hours ago, KMB said:

Lulu, I hate the weekends also. I don't care for the week days either, but it seems there is more of a routine to the week. I have been setting up small goals for myself on weekends to get through. Maybe you could locate a therapist that would be willing to conduct their counseling by phone, so you don't have to worry about face to face contact. There are also e- counselors that offer their services via the internet. Just an idea for you to think about.  (HUGS)

Sasha, Hang in there!  HUGS to you also!

thank you both. I will try and see if I can set some goals for myself. I tried to search for any activities that I might be able to participate but I found nothing locally. even if I had, I don't know if I would have been able to go. my shyness definitely keeps me from branching out. when I had Lily, it was ok. she understood me. she accepted me. she would do some things for me without hesitation. when she got sick last year, it forced me to do some things for both myself and for  her. I remember how hard it was but I knew I had to step up for her and take care of her and I did. she was so proud of me. I told her I would do anything for her. now I have to learn to do for myself. I don't know that I can. after almost 20 years of having someone there to lean on and depend on to cheer you on, for them to suddenly not be there is tough. I don't know how far I can go on my own. A month ago, I was going to try to a support group, I kept circling the building. I couldn't go in and I didn't. It was so frustrating but I just couldn't. I want to try again but I don't know when.

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Lulu, It is ok. We understand. Try the support group again when you feel more up to it. The first time I went to a support group, I debated on it all day. Came within an inch of not going. I finally just told myself that I will go and if I have a break down, so be it, and I had the right to not stay. I went and it was decent. It was a small group and everyone was nice and polite. On the drive home, I felt ok that I had gotten out of my comfort zone. It did bother me that the reason for going to a support group was because my husband had to go to Heaven. But, at the same time, maybe Heaven is responsible for having the access to these groups to provide the support/social interaction we need at this time in our lives. You stepped up for Lily when she needed you, now, you have to step up for yourself. Tell yourself you are going to keep trying for Lily's sake. She'll be proud of you.

We are all cheering you on from this forum. We are all on this journey together.   (HUGS)

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10 hours ago, KMB said:

Lulu, It is ok. We understand. Try the support group again when you feel more up to it. The first time I went to a support group, I debated on it all day. Came within an inch of not going. I finally just told myself that I will go and if I have a break down, so be it, and I had the right to not stay. I went and it was decent. It was a small group and everyone was nice and polite. On the drive home, I felt ok that I had gotten out of my comfort zone. It did bother me that the reason for going to a support group was because my husband had to go to Heaven. But, at the same time, maybe Heaven is responsible for having the access to these groups to provide the support/social interaction we need at this time in our lives. You stepped up for Lily when she needed you, now, you have to step up for yourself. Tell yourself you are going to keep trying for Lily's sake. She'll be proud of you.

We are all cheering you on from this forum. We are all on this journey together.   (HUGS)

You're right, she would be so proud of me. She'd be cheering me with a smile on her face. I will try again later. I find some comfort knowing that she is in Heaven preparing a room for me. I know I will see her again one day. It just hurts to not have her here where I can talk with her and here her sweet voice and laughter. She was such a wonderful and happy person. I miss her presence in my life.

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Lulu, We are always going to miss their physical presence. My daughter from my first early marriage moved in with me last week. She sleeps half the day and is up late into the night. Even with her here, I miss my husband so very much. I miss his smile, his laugh, his voice, I miss everything about him and our together life. I'm going to go through the rest of my life missing him. I know this is going to be the hardest trial of our lives, Lulu. We have no choice but to keep going on as well as we can. Our reward for doing this life is our reunion with our beloveds when it is our time to do so.  (HUGS)

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Lulu, you are making effort, trying to go out of your comfort zone and you are to be commended for that.  I think eventually it will show in your progress.  Weekends were very hard for me in the beginning, now they just seem another day like any other.  This is a long journey and it takes it what it takes us. :)  Hugs!

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5 hours ago, KMB said:

Lulu, We are always going to miss their physical presence. My daughter from my first early marriage moved in with me last week. She sleeps half the day and is up late into the night. Even with her here, I miss my husband so very much. I miss his smile, his laugh, his voice, I miss everything about him and our together life. I'm going to go through the rest of my life missing him. I know this is going to be the hardest trial of our lives, Lulu. We have no choice but to keep going on as well as we can. Our reward for doing this life is our reunion with our beloveds when it is our time to do so.  (HUGS)

This is something I am working on accepting. That I will miss her physical presence for the rest of my life, no matter how long that is or what  happens. It's something I did not want to accept because it seems so harsh, so cruel. I said God, you know I've always been so shy and don't have any close friends. I asked you to send me someone to share my life with, and you brought me Lily. I know you sent her because we were so different and yet, we clicked and made a life together. You gave us almost 20 years together and now you snatched her away and have left me with nothing, just like I was before. Why? It seems so cruel and cruel to her. We thought she was cured, she thought she was going to get to live a long life like she wanted. Then you snatched her away. Why? I don't understand. Maybe I'm not meant to understand, but it seems so unfair. I am trying to go on, but it is hard. It is lonely. It is sad and painful. I hope for God to show me a new purpose and gives me the strength to go on.

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1 hour ago, Lulu said:

This is something I am working on accepting. That I will miss her physical presence for the rest of my life, no matter how long that is or what  happens. It's something I did not want to accept because it seems so harsh, so cruel. I said God, you know I've always been so shy and don't have any close friends. I asked you to send me someone to share my life with, and you brought me Lily. I know you sent her because we were so different and yet, we clicked and made a life together. You gave us almost 20 years together and now you snatched her away and have left me with nothing, just like I was before. Why? It seems so cruel and cruel to her. We thought she was cured, she thought she was going to get to live a long life like she wanted. Then you snatched her away. Why? I don't understand. Maybe I'm not meant to understand, but it seems so unfair. I am trying to go on, but it is hard. It is lonely. It is sad and painful. I hope for God to show me a new purpose and gives me the strength to go on.

For me its more than 6 months and I havent accepted yet and that is hardier part. I know he is not coming but I still wait for him. Than I think and I dont find an answer why he had to go. That makes me sad. And thoughts are so painful. I know, this is a long journey for us but we dont have other way but standing. 

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2 hours ago, Lulu said:

I hope for God to show me a new purpose and gives me the strength to go on.

I hope that for you too, it may take time, but I believe He will supply your needs even as He has mine.

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Sasha,

I hear you say you wait for him and that breaks my heart.  Acceptance comes to us at different timetables and in different ways, give it time.  I'm sorry, I know it's hard.

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7 minutes ago, KayC said:

Sasha,

I hear you say you wait for him and that breaks my heart.  Acceptance comes to us at different timetables and in different ways, give it time.  I'm sorry, I know it's hard.

Thank you KayC! There is no other way! Give it time! 

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37 minutes ago, KayC said:

I hope that for you too, it may take time, but I believe He will supply your needs even as He has mine.

I hope so, KayC, I really do. It's hard to accept things. just when I think I am getting a handle on things, the simplest reminder will trigger the pain and loss. During lunch today, I went to a fast food restaurant nearby and I've been to it a couple times since Lily's passing, but today, it hit me that she would no longer visit it or ask me to bring her something from it. She ate healthily most of the time, but it was one of her favorite indulgences. She'd send me a text, I have a craving....and I knew what she meant. Whenever I'd buy just a simple tshirt, something to wear around the house, she'd always say Did you get me one, too? She was so cute! And of course, I'd say, I sure did! I bought a tshirt the other day and I only needed one...it reminded me she is no longer here. Also, it's a new shirt she has not seen, will not see. Something new in the house without her. She was always in the present, now she is in the past? No, I can't think or accept that. I say she is here with me, she will always be here with me, but I feel terrible that I don't really 'feel' her like so many others say they do about their deceased loved ones. Why? Is there something wrong with me? Will God not allow  her to come to me? I will continue to talk to her and maybe one day...

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Lulu,

5 hours ago, Lulu said:

No, I can't think or accept that. I say she is here with me, she will always be here with me, but I feel terrible that I don't really 'feel' her like so many others say they do about their deceased loved ones. Why? Is there something wrong with me? Will God not allow  her to come to me? I will continue to talk to her and maybe one day...

There is nothing wrong with you! Don't ever think that about yourself! Lily is always going to be with you spiritually. In time, when you are not grieving as intensely as you are, you'll be able to sense or feel her presence. Keep talking to Lily, she does hear and see you.  (HUGS)

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She is with you whether you feel anything or not, mostly it is a going by faith thing, not a feeling thing anyway.  Nothing wrong with you at all!

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