Lost my soulmate

[KMB]

Lulu, I wish I could take away your pain.

1 hour ago, Lulu said:

I get angry and resentful that they are enjoying life when my sweet Lily is gone and I'm miserable. I pray God helps me to find purpose in my life again.

Those feelings are part of the grieving. I felt that way also when my husband left our life. Everyone went back to their lives and here I was, alone, lonely and miserable. I still feel that way, especially when I get into a low spell, or even at the end of the day when I need my husband to share my thoughts and feelings with.

Just try to keep in mind that Lily is in Heaven under God's care and surrounded by love and her mama, as you said. Yes, you are miserable with the separation, but keep your faith and trust in God. Someday, you'll be with Lily again and this misery and loneliness will disappear with that reunion.  (HUGS)

[KayC]

Lulu,

You are miserable right now but Lily is in that place where it is peaceful and serene, not in the world of struggles and problems...we will join them soon enough, I know it seems like a long time from our perspective, but where time is no more, it is but the blink of an eye.  

[SashaS]

16 hours ago, Lulu said:

 This is what keeps me going. Knowing my sweet Lily is in Heaven with God and her sweet mama. I know she's happy and in peace surrounded by God's grace and love. But, I have so many emotions that keep bubbling back up. I cry every day, I still sometimes can't believe she's gone, and I think about why she had to go through such pain. She was so sweet and generous. She has so much joy and love for people, friends and strangers. She gave and have and never had a bad word to say about anyone. How can a wonderful person like her not get the healing we so prayed for each and every day? I feel so lonely. Even more so when around others who are happy in their lives. I know life goes on but my life has not. I get angry and resentful that they are enjoying life when my sweet Lily is gone and I'm miserable. I pray God helps me to find purpose in my life again.

I know how do you feel Lulu! We here are all in the same boat. I lost quickly my husband from stomach cancer. He had been always healthy and sportive. We had two kids but still I feel so alone without him. Move on is easy to say in front of that huge emptiness we have inside. A question is killing my soul: God, why you took a wonderful father and husband from a happy family?! I had a dream with him and he said to me: "that was my life". I have to accept that. But it is so hard! I have more than 5 months now but still i feel the same. Forgive me God for my anger! 

[SashaS]

 

[SashaS]

But there was a time
All I had to do was look at you
The world was mine
I’m telling you the world was mine
I’m so sorry...
 

[Lulu]

2 hours ago, SashaS said:

But there was a time
All I had to do was look at you
The world was mine
I’m telling you the world was mine
I’m so sorry...
 

Thank you for sharing this, SashaS. It's beautiful. Lily was a fan of George Michael and we were so sad last year when he passed. We certainly didn't think it would be a few more months and Lily too would be gone. I've found myself avoiding listening to music. Too many songs now have a different meaning and hit hard. They're painful to listen to now. I just got back from church. They're kind but it's difficult to get through sometimes. I keep thinking, why God? Why? Hopefully one day, I'll replace that with Thank you God. Thank you for welcoming my Lily home and for healing my heart. 

[SashaS]

I assure Lulu they are ok! I met my husband in a dream and he accepted the fact he is gone from this life. He left behind two children and he accepted. He said to me: "That was my life and I'm caring for you from above". I know for us is hard because we dont see them from here. We want to know if they are ok. Your Lily will answer also to you. But is still empty without them...

[Lulu]

22 minutes ago, SashaS said:

I assure Lulu they are ok! I met my husband in a dream and he accepted the fact he is gone from this life. He left behind two children and he accepted. He said to me: "That was my life and I'm caring for you from above". I know for us is hard because we dont see them from here. We want to know if they are ok. Your Lily will answer also to you. But is still empty without them...

You are so right! I just want her to be okay, in peace, and happy. There was some turmoil leading up to her final days, so I just want to know that she was okay and made peace with everything. It hurts to think that she may have thought everyone gave up one her when she still wanted to fight. She knows I never did. I know she loves me and knew how much I loved her, and if it was just the two us, perhaps things would have been different. I'm still waiting for her to come to me in my dreams. Even if it's just based on a past memory, I just want to see and hear her sweet voice again. 

[SashaS]

Sometimes I caught myself googling: my husband died and i want to know if he is ok? Somebody else will laugh with that. For me was quite normal question. I loved him and I cared for him. I was looking for that  answer and I got that vivid dream. You will too! 

[KMB]

SashaS, I am sorry for your loss. I wish cancer and all diseases didn't exist. You found your way to a wonderful forum. Many kind, compassionate people willing to listen, share, encourage. God understands our suffering, pain and anger. He loves and forgives us and when it is our turn to to return to our real home, everything we had to endure in this life will be explained. We made a contract with God before we were born into this life. The joys are to be balanced with sorrows. We will all have eternal life with our loved ones in the end.

Prayers of peace and comfort to you and yours.  (HUGS)

[SashaS]

Thank You KMB! You and other members here have been my comfort since December when my husband passed away. I live in small country in Europe and we dont have such structures as counsellors ect. But I've been here everyday. Thank You for sharing this:

We made a contract with God before we were born into this life. The joys are to be balanced with sorrows. We will all have eternal life with our loved ones in the end.

(HUGS)

[Lulu]

13 hours ago, SashaS said:

Sometimes I caught myself googling: my husband died and i want to know if he is ok? Somebody else will laugh with that. For me was quite normal question. I loved him and I cared for him. I was looking for that  answer and I got that vivid dream. You will too! 

I'm so glad for you! I hope you are right and I get my vivid dream of my Lily. 

Keep reading and posting. The people on this forum are so caring and have wonderful insight and support. It's been so therapeutic for me to be able to express myself here and get the understanding I lack in life from the people around me. Keep me in your prayers as I keep you all in mine.

[SashaS]

14 minutes ago, Lulu said:

Keep me in your prayers as I keep you all in mine.

(HUGS)

[M88]

Hi Lulu, I too would like a nice dream of my partner.  Maybe they will come when our minds are in less turmoil.  

Welcome Sasha.  I'm so sorry for your loss.  It must be very tough on you not having counselling available. But, like me, you have found a very special 'grief family'.  I hope you will feel the compassion, comfort and understanding that I do.  

Sending strength, love and hugs to you both,X

[KayC]

Sasha,

Thank you for making your presence known here, I'm sorry for your loss.  God be with you as you continue raising your children.

[SashaS]

Thank You KayC & M88 for welcoming me here! 

(Hugs)

[Lulu]

13 hours ago, M88 said:

Hi Lulu, I too would like a nice dream of my partner.  Maybe they will come when our minds are in less turmoil.  

Welcome Sasha.  I'm so sorry for your loss.  It must be very tough on you not having counselling available. But, like me, you have found a very special 'grief family'.  I hope you will feel the compassion, comfort and understanding that I do.  

Sending strength, love and hugs to you both,X

Thank you, M88. I talk to her every day and I hope one day I get my dream. It must be some sort of mental block. When she was alive, I'd dream of us having all sorts of adventures, but now nothing. Maybe one day. Today I've been teary eyed all day. I don't know why. I guess the loneliness is just too much to bear right now. I've been reading as many books as I can. Do any of you have suggestions for books that helped you? 

[Eagle-96]

40 minutes ago, Lulu said:

Thank you, M88. I talk to her every day and I hope one day I get my dream. It must be some sort of mental block. When she was alive, I'd dream of us having all sorts of adventures, but now nothing. Maybe one day. Today I've been teary eyed all day. I don't know why. I guess the loneliness is just too much to bear right now. I've been reading as many books as I can. Do any of you have suggestions for books that helped you? 

I don't have any book suggestions but there are quite a few TedTalks dealing with grief from the perspective of those that have lived it. Just search YouTube and TedTalk grief. They have been helpful for me and I hope they will be for you also.

[Lulu]

24 minutes ago, Eagle-96 said:

I don't have any book suggestions but there are quite a few TedTalks dealing with grief from the perspective of those that have lived it. Just search YouTube and TesTalk grief. They have been helpful for me and I hope they will be for you also.

Thank you. I will start searching for the TedTalks. I'm so grateful to this community, family really, for all the support and compassion. I can't imagine what a mess I would have been without this forum.

[AceBasin]

1 hour ago, Lulu said:

Do any of you have suggestions for books that helped you?

Two very highly recommended books are (1) A Grief Observed, by C. S. Lewis, and (2) Healing a Spouse’s Grieving Heart, by Alan D. Wolfelt.

[Lulu]

9 hours ago, AceBasin said:

Two very highly recommended books are (1) A Grief Observed, by C. S. Lewis, and (2) Healing a Spouse’s Grieving Heart, by Alan D. Wolfelt.

 

Thanks, AceBasin. I have both reading A Grief Observed and it has indeed been validating of how I feel and the emotions I have been experiencing. I will look into the second title you listed. I read Wolfelt's book on losing a soulmate and it was very comforting as well.

[KayC]

Lulu,

These are a list of books that grievers have recommended:
 

1. Surviving the Death of Your Spouse: A Step-by-Step Workbook, by Deborah S. Levinson

2. Caregiving, by Beth Witrogen McLeod

3. Grief's Courageous Journey: A Workbook, by Sandi Caplan and Gordon Lang

4. Life after Loss: A Practical Guide, by Bob Deits

5. Chicken Soup for the Grieving Soul, by Jack Canfield and Mark Hanson

6. Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life, by Jon Kabat-Zinn

7. Unattended Sorrow: Recovering from Loss and Reviving the Heart, by Stephen Levine

8. Surviving Grief and Learning to Live Again, by Catherine M. Saunders

9. The Mourning Handbook, by Helen Fitzgerald

10. Healing Your Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas, by Alan D. Wolfelt

11. Life Lessons, by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler

12. How to Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies , by Therese A. Rando (recommended by Cheryl)

13. A Year to Live: How to Live This Year As If It Were Your Last, by Stephen Levine

14. Letting Go With Love: The Grieving Process, by Nancy O'Connor

15. The Dying Time: Practical Wisdom for the Dying and Their Caregivers, by Joan Furman and David McNabb

16. Companion Through the Darkness: Inner Dialogues on Grief , by Stephanie Ericsson (recommended by Boo)

17. Don't Let Death Ruin Your Life: A Practical Guide, by Jill Brooke

18. A Time to Grieve: Meditations for Healing, by Carol Staudacher (recommended by Cheryl)

19. Too Soon Old Too Late Smart: Thirty True Things You Need to Know Now, by Gordon Livingston

20. The Art of Forgiveness, Loving Kindness, and Peace, by Jack Kornfield

21. Grieving Mindfully: A Compassionate and Spiritual Guide to Coping with Loss, by Sameet M. Kumar

22. When your Spouse Dies, by Cathleen L. Curry

23. Five Good Minutes: 100 Morning Practices to Help You Stay Calm and Focused All Day Long, by Jeffrey Brantley and Wendy Millstine

24. Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working through Grief, by Martha W. Hickman

25. The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment, by Eckhart Tolle

26. Gay Widowers: Life After the Death of a Partner, by Michael Shernoff (Editor)

27. A Journey Through Grief: Gentle, Specific Help, by Alla Renee Bozarth

28. When Bad Things Happen to Good People, by Harold S. Kushner

29. The Grief Recovery Handbook, by John W. James and Russell Friedman

30. Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief, by Pauline Boss

31. The Precious Present, by Spencer Johnson

32. Life After Loss: Conquering Grief and Finding Hope, by Raymond A. Moody, Jr. and Dianne Arcangel

33. Writing to Heal the Soul: Transforming Grief and Loss Through Writing, by Susan Zimmerman

34. Stillness Speaks, by Eckhart Tolle

35. In Lieu of Flowers: A Conversation for the Living, by Nancy Cobb

36. The Other Side and Back: A Psychic's Guide to Our World and Beyond, by Sylvia Browne

37. Blessings from the Other Side: Wisdom and Comfort from the Afterlife for This Life, by Sylvia Browne

38. Change Your Mind and Your Life Will Follow, by Karen Casey

39. The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, by Sogyal Rinpoche

40. Seven Choices: Finding Hope after Loss Shatters Your World , by Elizabeth Harper Neeld (recommended by Paul S)

41. Grieving the Death of a Mother, by Harold Ivan Smith (recommended by Paul S and ashleybatt)

42. I'm Grieving As Fast As I Can, by Linda Sones Feinberg (recommended by dpodesta and Rochel)

43. Sibling Grief: Healing after the Death of a Sister or Brother, by P. Gill White (recommended by Kerry)

44. Hello from Heaven, by Bill & Judy Guggenheim (recommended by LoriKelly)

45. Good Grief: Healing Through the Shadow of Loss, by Deborah Morris Coryell (recommended by Chai)

46. Grace for Grief: Daily Comfort for Those Who Mourn, by Michael and Brenda Pink (recommended by Kath)

47. Angel Catcher,by Kathy Eldon and Amy Eldon Turteltaub, recommended by Carole

48. The Year of Magical Thinking, by Joan Didion, recommended by NotCoping

49. When Parents Die, by Rebecca Abrams (recommended by Rachael)

50. The Healing Power of Love: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to a New Love, by Gloria Lintermans and Marilyn Stoltzman (recommended by MartyT)

51. Loss and Found: How We Survived the Loss of a Young Spouse, by Gary and Kathy Young (recommended by MartyT)

52. Books by John Edward (recommended by Leeann)

53. Talking to Heaven: A Medium's Message of Life After Death, by James Van Praagh (recommended by Leeann)

54. Ghosts Among Us: Uncovering the Truth About the Other Side, by James Van Praagh (recommended by Leeann

55. Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss, by Hope Edelman (recommended by Sherr, Cubby and BellaRosa)

56. Water Bugs and Dragonflies: Explaining Death to Young Children, by Doris Stickney (recommended by Boo Mayhew)

57. A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows through Loss, by Jerry Sittser (recommended by Boo Mayhew)

58. No Time For Goodbyes: Coping with Sorrow, Anger, and Injustice After a Tragic Death, by Janice Harris Lord (recommended by MartyT)

59. Life after Death: The Burden of Proof, by Deepak Chopra (recommended by Kavish)

60. Grace for Grief, by Michael and Brenda Pink (recommended by Kath)

61. Resilience: Reflections on the Burdens and Gifts of Accepting Life's Adversities by Elizabeth Edwards (recommended by Sharon3)

62. Life After Death: The Burden of Proof by Deepak Chopra (recommended by Kavish)

63. Getting to The Other Side of Grief: Overcoming The Loss of A Spouse by Susan Zonnebelt-Smeenge and Robert C. DeVries (recommended by tjwbrown)

64. I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping and Healing after the Sudden Death of a Loved One by Brook Noel and Pamela D. Blair, PhD (recommended by slinkybink)

65. Widow to Widow by Genevieve Davis Ginsburg (recommended by Sal and by Marg)

66. The Grief Club by Melody Beattie (recommended by Tracy)

67. Finding Your Way through Grief: A Guide for the First Year (recommended by Tracy and by Brad)

68. When GOD Winks: How the Power of Coincidence Guides Your Life by Squire Rushnell (recommended by Carol Ann)

69. Now: Overcoming Crushing Grief by Living in the Present by Jack Cain (recommended by MartyT)

70. Healing the Adult Child's Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas After Your Parent Dies, by Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD (recommended by Anthony)

71. Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames by Thich Nhat Hahn (recommended by Carol Ann)

72. 90 Minutes in Heaven by Don Piper (recommended by NancyL and by NATS)

73. Evidence of the Afterlife: The Science of Near Death Experiences by Jeffrey Long, MD (recommended by Melina)

74. My Glimpse of Eternity by Betty Malz (recommended by KayC)

75. Conversations with the Other Side by Sylvia Browne (recommended by grace10)

76. Healing the Adult Child's Grieving Heart by Alan D. Wolfelt (recommended by Anthony)

77. How to Survive Your Grief When Someone You Love Has Died by Susan Fuller (recommended by Niamh)

78. Seven Choices: Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your World by Elizabeth Harper Neeld (recommended by Boo)

79. Passages in Caregiving: Turning Chaos into Confidence by Gail Sheehy (recommended by Steve)

80. Sacred Grief by Leslee Tessmann (recommended by mfh)

81. The Shack by Wm. Paul Young (recommended by suzie816)

82. Facing the Ultimate Loss: Confronting the Death of a Child by Robert J. Marx and Susan Wengerhoff Davidson (recommended by Carol Ann)

83. The Ultimate Loss: Coping with the Death of a Child by Joan Bordow (recommended by Nicholas)

84. Two Kisses for Maddy: A Memoir of Loss & Love by Matthew Logelin (recommended by MartyT)

85. A Widow's Story: A Memoir by Joyce Carol Oates (recommended by Carol Ann)

86. Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide by Kay Redfield Jamieson (recommended by Nicholas)

87. Love Never Ends by Connie Martin and Barry Dundas (recommended by Becky)

88. A Tearful Celebration by Dr. James Means (recommended by Pat)

89. Healing Through the Dark Emotions: The Wisdom of Grief, Fear and Despair by Miriam Greenspan (recommended by MartyT)

90. The Color of Rain by Michael and Gina Spehn (recommended by Steve)

91. Ask George Anderson: What Souls in the Hereafter Can Teach Us About Life by George Anderson (recommended by Mary)

92. Waking Up: Climbing Through the Darkness by Terry Wise (recommended by MartyT)

93. Loving from the Outside In, Mourning from the Inside Out by Alan D. Wolfelt (recommended by Anne)

94. Levels of Life by Julian Barnes (recommended by Jan)

95. True Refuge: Finding Peace and Freedom in Your Own Awakened Heart by Tara Brach (recommended by Mary and Anne

96. Will You Dance? by Annette Childs-Oroz (recommended by Marty T)

97. Growing Wings: A View from Inside the Cocoon by Kristen Jongen (recommended by Marty T)

98. Both Sides Now: A True Story of Love, Loss and Bold Living by Nancy Sharp (recommended by Marty T)

99. Happily Even After: A Guide to Getting Through (and Beyond) The Grief of Widowhood by Carole Brody Fleet (recommended by Marty T)

100. The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief by Francis Weller (recommended by Anne)

101. Leaning Into Love: A Spiritual Journey through Grief by Elaine Mansfield (recommended by Marty T)

102. Stunned by Grief: Remapping Your Life When Loss Changes Everything by Judy Brizendine (recommended by Marty T)

103. On My Own by Diane Rehm (recommended by mfh)

104. About Grief: Insights, Setbacks, Grace Notes, Taboos by Ron Morasco and Brian Shuff (recommended by scba)

105. The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman (recommended by kayc)

106. Permission to Mourn: A New Way to Do Grief by Tom Zuba (recommended by Marty T and Rochestergal)

107. On Loss and Living Onward: Collected Voices for the Grieving and Those Who Would Mourn With Them by Melissa Dalton-Bradford (recommended by Teresa Bruce)

108.  Gaining Traction - Starting Over After the Death of Your Life Partner by Peggy Panagotacos (recommended by iPraiseHim)

109. Colors of Loss and Healing: An Adult Coloring Book for Getting Through Tough Times by Deborah S. Derman (recommended by Marty T)

110. Grief Diaries: How to Help The Newly Bereaved by Linda Cheldelin Fell, et al (recommended by KATPILOT)

111. Grief Diaries: Loss of Health by Linda Cheldelin Fell (recommended by Anne)

112. Hope and Healing for Transcending Loss: Daily Meditations for Those Who Are Grieving by Ashley Davis Bush (recommended by Maryann)

113. The Tender Scar: Life After the Death of a Spouse by Richard L. Mabry (recommended by iPraiseHim)

114. A Gift of Love: A Widow’s Memoir by Linda Della Donna (recommended by Anne) 

115. Passed and Present: Keeping Memories of Loved Ones Alive by Allison Gilbert (recommended by Marty T)

116. Tears to Triumph: The Spiritual Journey from Suffering to Enlightenment by Marianne Williamson (recommended by Anne)

117. Grief Is A Journey: Finding Your Path Through Loss by Kenneth J. Doka (recommended by Marty T and Anne)

118. Grieving with Hope: Finding Comfort as You Journey Through Loss by Samuel J. Hodges and Kathy Leonard (recommended by Anne)

119. When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi (recommended by Marty T)

120. Grief One Day At A Time: 365 Meditations to Help You Heal After Loss by Alan Wolfelt (recommended by Marg M)

121. The Gift of Second: Healing from the Impact of Suicide by Brandy Lidbeck (recommended by Marty T)

122. Being There for Someone in Grief: Essential Lessons by Marianna Cacciatore (recommended by Marty T)

123. Grief Diaries: Through The Eyes of Men by Fell, Jones and Hochhaus (recommended by Marty T)

124. There Is No Good Card for This: What To Say and Do When Life Is Scary, Awful, and Unfair to People You Love by Kelsey Crowe and Emily McDowell (recommended by Marty T)

125. Disaster Falls: A Family Story by Stephane Gerson (recommended by Marty T)

126. Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant (recommended by iPraiseHim) 

as found here: http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/index.php?/topic/3836-grief-bibliography/#comment-29429

[Lulu]

9 hours ago, KayC said:

Lulu,

These are a list of books that grievers have recommended:
 http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/index.php?/topic/3836-grief-bibliography/#comment-29429

KayC, this is a great list. I have started going through them to pick some out. Thank you so much! The tears have been flowing lately. I pray and ask God to give me strength and help heal my broken heart. I just don't know how to keep going sometimes but I know Lily would tell me to stay strong and look to God, so I'm doing my best. 

[AceBasin]

4 hours ago, Lulu said:

I just don't know how to keep going sometimes but I know Lily would tell me to stay strong and look to God, so I'm doing my best. 

Most of the experts with whom I have met (and they are top in their field with peer reviewed articles) say that while everyone's trajectory s different, and grief comes in waves, most people start to feel better within six months. They have all stressed the need for in person groups or sessions with very qualified counselors and regular in person medical appointments, as some conditions may co-exist with grief, and it takes a medical doctor to assist and perhaps prescribe. Regarding the books, one asked me "how many chapters on how to balance a checkbook or cook a microwave dinner do you need to read?"

[KayC]

9 hours ago, AceBasin said:

Regarding the books, one asked me "how many chapters on how to balance a checkbook or cook a microwave dinner do you need to read?"

I guess I don't understand the correlation here.
 

Lulu, "A Grief Observed" is one of my favorites, C S Lewis is amazingly authentic and is easy to relate to his feelings.  There have been some grief books that have not resonated with me, especially one that started out with, "I took my wedding ring off."  !!!  (That one is not on the list.)  The other is Kübler-Ross book The Five Stages of Grief...they have learned much since this book came out, that there can be more or there can be less stages and not everyone goes through them all or in the same order.  It's not as predictable as all that.

[Lulu]

8 hours ago, KayC said:

I guess I don't understand the correlation here.
 

Lulu, "A Grief Observed" is one of my favorites, C S Lewis is amazingly authentic and is easy to relate to his feelings.  There have been some grief books that have not resonated with me, especially one that started out with, "I took my wedding ring off."  !!!  (That one is not on the list.)  The other is Kübler-Ross book The Five Stages of Grief...they have learned much since this book came out, that there can be more or there can be less stages and not everyone goes through them all or in the same order.  It's not as predictable as all that.

 Thanks. I for one take great comfort in being able to read and get validation that what I'm feeling is normal and I'm not going crazy. Each book is somewhat different and offer some insight, so although I won't read every book ever written, I will read through a few. When you have no one to talk to, they can be very comforting.

[Lulu]

Yesterday I went to the grocery store. First time I went shopping for myself since my Lily passed away. Actually, first time since before then since I spent a month at the hospital and hospice with her. It was hard. All I could manage to get were some cans of soup, bottled water and tissue. I was never much of a cook. Before I would pick up a few things and we'd fix dinner together under her instruction. Now, I just live off canned soups and fast food. I saw an elderly lady, and I imagined that's how Lily would have looked in her 70s. It seems so unfair. She wanted to live a long life but it wasn't meant to be. It was heartbreaking. I miss you Lily. 

[AceBasin]

9 hours ago, Lulu said:

Yesterday I went to the grocery store. First time I went shopping for myself since my Lily passed away.

Lulu, the grocery store is a huge problem for many of us.  Seeing your wife's favorite items, but not buying them, buying servings for one, and even someone asking how you wife is doing. For the first week or two, I gave my adult son my grocery list. And there are all sorts of triggers, such as seeing the 80 year old couples holding hands and buying items.

Depending on your location and situation, there are solutions. Try a store that you did not use. Start on different aisles. Be sure and buy some items that are a treat that you would have never bought before, Several weeks ago I bought ingredients for and baked chocolate chip cookies for the first time in a decade.

For days when you don't have the time or are not in the mood to go in, many of our grocery stores have services where you call in or order online and can pick up and pay for your order at the curb several hours later.

Amazon Prime is a great way to get some items, such as pans, utensils, and supplies as well as some paper goods and staples.

You may want to buy a few cook books. There are many of them for men learning to make simple but nutritious meals without a whole lot of pans and utensils.  It might even develop into a hobby and you may enjoy using a grill some. Sometimes I make extra (if I smoke ribs or a pork butt- I bought a commercial grade smoker) and share with friends and neighbors. Then, a few days later, many bring me fresh vegetables from their garden.

Breakfast is a surprisingly easy meal to prepare. I have found egg beaters make it much more likely that I will have a hot breakfast, as the idea of cracking and scrambling eggs just seemed like more time and effort that I wanted to spend first thing in the morning..

Many of the grocery stores also have very good prepared food sections where you can get hot, freshly cooked vegetables, meats, and other items in various quantities, that will last up to three days.

Sometimes going to a farmer's market on a Saturday can be a fun trip out of the house.

Some shows on the Food Network used to be good and informative. This is a link to Alton Brown's site which many of my chef friends recommend. While some of the recipes are a bit complex to start, it is informative, and his shows are fun to watch either on reruns or online services. . http://www.foodnetwork.com/profiles/talent/alton-brown/recipes

[SashaS]

12 hours ago, Lulu said:

It seems so unfair.

With the knowledge we have is unfair! It is an unfair world! Why is fair to be taken a father from his children?!  Why is fair to be taken a good generous person from the world?! Yeah, we live in one unfair world! This is the reality! We have to accept that! It is not our decision. God Has the Right to Initiate and Terminate our Life. 

For now take care of yourself! Try to cook something healthy. Fast food it's not good. Lily will help You. She wants to see You healthy and happy as You do! Being sad prevents her to come and visit You.

It's hard! It's an inside struggle! But it's not yet our turn to go.We are still here for a reason! God knows!

[KayC]

16 hours ago, Lulu said:

I for one take great comfort in being able to read and get validation that what I'm feeling is normal and I'm not going craz

Oh trust me, you're not going crazy!  Pretty much everything we feel and experience is "normal" in grief!

My favorite turn to cookbook is Better Homes and Gardens.  I'd go with the ring-bound rather than plastic comb, it will look "well loved" in a few years.   https://www.amazon.com/Better-Homes-Gardens-Cook-Book/dp/0470560770  You can buy one new or used.  I've been using mine for 47 years, my daughter has the newer version and my older sister has one that is about 57 years old. 

Sasha, you are so right, it is very unfair!

 

[Eagle-96]

14 hours ago, Lulu said:

Yesterday I went to the grocery store. First time I went shopping for myself since my Lily passed away. Actually, first time since before then since I spent a month at the hospital and hospice with her. It was hard. All I could manage to get were some cans of soup, bottled water and tissue. I was never much of a cook. Before I would pick up a few things and we'd fix dinner together under her instruction. Now, I just live off canned soups and fast food. I saw an elderly lady, and I imagined that's how Lily would have looked in her 70s. It seems so unfair. She wanted to live a long life but it wasn't meant to be. It was heartbreaking. I miss you Lily. 

Shopping is hard. I see "her" foods or "things she always liked" and it's tough seeing another part of Lori that is lost. I also see some new item on the shelf and I want to say "Lori, did you see that" and realize she's gone. I think the tough part for me are the things I want to share with her. Seeing Memorial Day items at the store and knowing she would want to buy certain decorations for our party. Seeing the little things that gave her so much joy in life and knowing that that is a door that has been shut forever. As I type this I remember that she would tend to buy too many decorations(or clothes) with the knowledge that she could always take back what we didn't use(she never had ANY qualms about returning things to stores). It made me smile. I'm trying real hard to smile.

[Lulu]

20 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

Shopping is hard. I see "her" foods or "things she always liked" and it's tough seeing another part of Lori that is lost. I also see some new item on the shelf and I want to say "Lori, did you see that" and realize she's gone. I think the tough part for me are the things I want to share with her. Seeing Memorial Day items at the store and knowing she would want to buy certain decorations for our party. Seeing the little things that gave her so much joy in life and knowing that that is a door that has been shut forever. As I type this I remember that she would tend to buy too many decorations(or clothes) with the knowledge that she could always take back what we didn't use(she never had ANY qualms about returning things to stores). It made me smile. I'm trying real hard to smile.

Yes, this! I see so many little what-nots that I know she would love. She was such 'grandma' I would tell her. Always loved picking up little things or items on sale for the house or to give to others, mostly to give to others, friends and family. She was always thinking of others and loved the holiday sales or 'good deals' as she would come find me to tell me about the great finds she found. My cupboards and refrigerator are still full of things we had gotten for her. Foods that were easy for her to eat while she was recovering from one of her surgeries before she had to go back to the hospital, like apple sauce, soups, juices. It's hard to see them, yet I don't want to touch them to eat or throw out. I just have no interest in preparing any meals right now. It was definitely a thing we did to enjoy quality time together, now I feel like I have no reason.

This holiday weekend is going to be tough. It's a long lonely time. We enjoyed these short holidays to relax and lounge around the house. We'd have a little BBQ and just enjoy each other's company. I miss her so much.

[KayC]

22 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

As I type this I remember that she would tend to buy too many decorations(or clothes) with the knowledge that she could always take back what we didn't use(she never had ANY qualms about returning things to stores).

That makes me smile, too, Eagle.  It also brought tears to my eyes.  Thank you for sharing just a bit about Lori that gives us a little glimpse of her.  it's poignant.

21 hours ago, Lulu said:

We'd have a little BBQ and just enjoy each other's company.

Normally we would be camping Memorial Day weekend, and this would be the perfect weather for it.  I haven't gone camping since he died.  It would not be the same without him.

[Lulu]

On 5/26/2017 at 9:00 AM, KayC said:

That makes me smile, too, Eagle.  It also brought tears to my eyes.  Thank you for sharing just a bit about Lori that gives us a little glimpse of her.  it's poignant.

Normally we would be camping Memorial Day weekend, and this would be the perfect weather for it.  I haven't gone camping since he died.  It would not be the same without him.

Some of my family came to visit this weekend. It was a welcomed distraction. I don't know how I would have gotten through it on my own. It would have been a very long and lonely weekend. We went around town and enjoyed the time together, but I still kept thinking of my Lily. I kept thinking about how much she would have enjoyed each place we visited and about things we planned on getting. We went to the mall, and I kept seeing items and clothes she would have loved. I have prayed that this has been a terrible nightmare and I would awaken from it, it that God would somehow bring my Lily back. I know that is impossible but I can't help but to hope for the impossible. This is going on 8 weeks and I miss her even more! 

[WaHaaf99]

6 minutes ago, Lulu said:

I have prayed that this has been a terrible nightmare and I would awaken from it, it that God would somehow bring my Lily back. I know that is impossible but I can't help but to hope for the impossible. This is going on 8 weeks and I miss her even more! 

I am the same exact way at this moment. I try not to think of it. Monday is always hard, but today is Monday and I didn't realize it until just now. I am always home now, so I don't realize the day of the week it is.

Anyway, I am always wishing this were a nightmare. That somehow this is, and I'd wake up and it is just the next day of April and that I see his good morning messages to me. I miss him so much, and yesterday I was going through my old phone and I was on something and a video showed up that I never saw before of him. Literally. I have never seen it before because when it sent, it was an error, but I held it and downloaded it and there he was. It was earlier when we started to get to know each other. We didn't know a lot about each other, even though we had known each other for 2 months by that point. Anyway, it made me cry.

Today makes 5 weeks.

I still cry each night. Some nights just tears, other nights I cry and I can't stop. 

I pray to God nightly, and I talk to him each night. 

[Lulu]

The family is gone and I am back to being alone. Life just seems so unfair. I talk to my sweet Lily and I ask God for strength and peace, but I feel so terrible that she is not here to enjoy so many things she loved so much. That she's not here for me to see and talk and laugh with. She was so much fun and full of life. How can someone like that be gone. She made an impact on everyone she met just by showing kindness and joy. I keep going because I know she'd want me to, but I feel guilty and sad that I am living while she's gone. I keep reminding myself of her belief and faith in God, so I know she's in Heaven, happy and surrounded by love. It gives me comfort but I can't get over feeling left behind, alone. Who will look after me when I'm ill, who will help me with the small and big things that come up in life, who will notice that I am late getting home from work, who will come check on me when I've been outside working in the sun a bit too long. No one. I feel like I have to think of everything and take precautions to avoid things going wrong because I have no one I can call for help or that would notice something is the matter. My sweet Lily, I miss you so much. 

[KMB]

Lulu, I'm glad you were able to spend time with family over the long weekend. The benefits of social interaction will be helpful in your adaption to a different way of life. I'm sure Lily was with you, walking by your side throughout the mall.  The impact Lily made in this life, in your life and in others, carry that with you as she would want you to. The kindness and joy she gave to others she passed down to you to do the same.

I understand you feel that you were left behind and alone.I have also felt that my husband left me behind. He would have taken me with him if it had truly been my time. I am here for other reasons yet, that only God knows and will reveal to me in His timing.

4 hours ago, Lulu said:

Who will look after me when I'm ill, who will help me with the small and big things that come up in life, who will notice that I am late getting home from work, who will come check on me when I've been outside working in the sun a bit too long. No one. I feel like I have to think of everything and take precautions to avoid things going wrong because I have no one I can call for help or that would notice something is the matter

I have concerns about all these things and more as well, due to living alone. I make a huge effort not to let my fears overwhelm me. I have a laminated article taped to my computer desk. It is the 10 commandments of attitude. I've had it for at least 17 years now and refer to it often. One of the commandments is: Thou shalt not be fearful, for most of the things we fear never comes to pass. Another one I appreciate is: Thou shalt not worry, for worry is the most unproductive of human activities.

Hang in there, Lulu. We are all going through this together.  (HUGS)

[KMB]

Lulu, I wanted to add that I have the belief that if something should happen and I need assistance when I am alone, I know that God and my husband are watching over me and will send an earth angel to help. Love has no boundaries in Heaven.

 

[KayC]

Thank you for that reminder, KMB, it is one of my concerns as I grow old alone.  I have to believe that God will provide for my needs.

My weekend was pretty much the same as always, every day seems to blend into another, but I did get to hold my grandson yesterday and got to spend some time with my daughter.  Today I am going to a going-away party for a friend of mine, two more friends moving away this week.  Life seems to be constant with its change.

I know it's so hard for all of you in your first year or two, getting used to these changes is so hard, the loneliness can swallow us.  I am glad for the brief respites we get when visiting with family and friends, even if our lives to go back to what they are now.

[Lulu]

8 hours ago, KMB said:

Lulu, I wanted to add that I have the belief that if something should happen and I need assistance when I am alone, I know that God and my husband are watching over me and will send an earth angel to help. Love has no boundaries in Heaven.

 

I hope an earth angel would be there for me should I need them. I try to stay positive for Lily because I know she wouldn't want me to be so sad, but she knew how hard this would be for me. She knew how much I loved her and how attached and devoted I was to her. This is the hardest thing I have ever been through. The pain and loneliness is unbearable at times. It really hits me when I get off work. I have the rest of the day free but I have nothing to do and no one to go home to. It's a sad drive home every day. I just never expected to be without her. Sometimes I tell myself she's just out of town visiting family, she'll be back in a few days, to help with the lonliness. How I wish that was true. I'm so glad I found this community. The support and compassion is like nothing I can get anywhere else. Thank you all.

[KayC]

Last night I tried to remember what it was like to have George spooning me in the night...it has been so long. I can remember but it's not at all the same as having him here with me.  I can understand your pretending she's away, kind of a softer way of dealing with the absence.

[KMB]

Lulu, I wish I could make things easier for you. I know the pain, loneliness, in coming home to that empty void that used to be filled by our loved one. I'm still dealing with it myself when I come home from somewhere. it makes you feel so alone. It makes you feel that the whole planet was wiped out and you are the only survivor. So we do the best we can in finding ways to fill that empty void and like KayC said, a little pretending to help us through the toughest moments is understandable.

Maybe changing your routine a little after you get out of work might be helpful. Stopping somewhere for a soothing mug of tea. Go walking in a park. Maybe finding somewhere to volunteer at for a few hours to pass down the kindness and compassion that Lily showed to others. Prayers for peace and comfort to you. (HUGS)

[KMB]

KayC, I'm glad that part of your weekend was spent with your daughter and grandson.Those little bits of joy are what we need to help sustain us. On the other hand, I'm sorry 2 more friends are moving away. Life is constantly moving and changing without our total say so on certain matters. It is ironic how little control we actually have with our life. (HUGS)

[Lulu]

20 hours ago, KayC said:

Last night I tried to remember what it was like to have George spooning me in the night...it has been so long. I can remember but it's not at all the same as having him here with me.  I can understand your pretending she's away, kind of a softer way of dealing with the absence.

Pretending helps a little but I'm not fooling myself. I know she's gone. The empty house always reminds me. I put pictures of her around the house so I can see her wherever I go in the house but they also make me sad sometimes. She looks so healthy and happy. Little did we know she'd soon be gone. But I'd rather keep them up. She had the most beautiful smile. 

[Lulu]

18 hours ago, KMB said:

Lulu, I wish I could make things easier for you. I know the pain, loneliness, in coming home to that empty void that used to be filled by our loved one. I'm still dealing with it myself when I come home from somewhere. it makes you feel so alone. It makes you feel that the whole planet was wiped out and you are the only survivor. So we do the best we can in finding ways to fill that empty void and like KayC said, a little pretending to help us through the toughest moments is understandable.

Maybe changing your routine a little after you get out of work might be helpful. Stopping somewhere for a soothing mug of tea. Go walking in a park. Maybe finding somewhere to volunteer at for a few hours to pass down the kindness and compassion that Lily showed to others. Prayers for peace and comfort to you. (HUGS)

You're right. You do feel like the only survivor. After all, we just lost what seemed like the only person who cared about us, the only person who would notice if we didn't come home. At least that's how I feel. 

I want to find purpose in my life moving forward, but right now, I'm just not ready to be around people. Their happiness hurts me. Why are others so happy going on about their lives when my Lily is gone, when my world has stopped. Maybe one day I'll be able to find happiness again, but for now, I'm just going through the motions.

[KayC]

KMB,

Thank you.  I'm learning more about my daughter's situation that has me distressed...night before last I only slept two hours.  She may lose her apt. as it was in her husband's name not hers and there isn't available affordable housing in the area.  It seems her situation keeps getting worse.

Lulu,

That first year or two I kept putting up George's pictures, taking them down, depending on whether they made me feel better or worse, finally left them up to stay, I like looking at him, the one I have on the wall of my living room, he looks so handsome and young, I've aged since but he never did.

[HHFaith]

2 minutes ago, KayC said:

That first year or two I kept putting up George's pictures, taking them down, depending on whether they made me feel better or worse, finally left them up to stay, I like looking at him, the one I have on the wall of my living room, he looks so handsome and young, I've aged since but he never did.

I never really thought about this until now. How strange that I will age but he won't. He will always look the way he does in the pictures and I will get older and look different. Such an obvious thing but weird. Well he had 5 years on me so I guess I have 5 years to "catch up to him". Then I'll be older than him??!!

[KayC]

I guess it doesn't really matter.  He loved ME, not just what I looked like.  He never cared if I lost or gained weight, he looked at me through rose-colored lenses, so I guess he continues doing so as I age.  We loved the very essence of each other.

[Lulu]

I've thought of this many times. She will never grow older, she will look the same always. While I will grow old and change. She will stay the same. I wonder if 10 or 20 years from now I'm still around, will I try to imagine how she would have looked. I try not to wonder now because it's a reminder of what will never be. It reminds me of how she was cheated of life, something she cherished! I hope to see her again.

[Lulu]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

I guess it doesn't really matter.  He loved ME, not just what I looked like.  He never cared if I lost or gained weight, he looked at me through rose-colored lenses, so I guess he continues doing so as I age.  We loved the very essence of each other.

Exactly. We loved the person each of us was and are. She said she loves my sense of humor, my confidence, my generosity towards her and others I loved, and she always said I was so smart because I always had an answer for her. I wish I had answer to how all this came to be. I loved her joy, her kindness, her gentle nature, her sense of humor, her understanding and ability to forgive all and everyone. She didn't have a mean bone in her body and loves everyone. She really was the best person I ever met. Everyone fell in love with her and enjoyed being around her, but she chose me. That's the most wonderful feeling. To know someone as wonderful as her would want me in her life. I wish God would somehow bring her back, after all, there's nothing beyond Him. How I wish it was possible.