Lulu

Lost my soulmate

312 posts in this topic

This is very difficult for me to share but I feel so alone. My soulmate (I'll call her Lily) and I were together for almost 20 yrs but no one knew we were in a relationship. At least, if they knew, it was never talked about. We always referred to each other as roommates and best friends. Not everyone knew we lived together either. I think my family would have been accepting but most of her family wouldn't have been. 

It didn't matter. We were so happy in our own little world. We depended and relied on each other for just about everything. Within the last few years, our relationship became one of more companionship but we were still so happy. We talked everyday, fixed dinner, went shopping most weekends, we were just so happy and content with our lives together. She was always more outgoing than me and so I jokingly referred to her as my caretaker because she would do the things that I found difficult due to my introvert nature. She did not mind. She understood and accepted me as I was. She was the kindest, sweetest and most generous person ever. She passed away early April from cancer. She never lost hope that she would get better but unfortunately, that was not to be. It all happened so fast, I feel like she was unfairly stolen from me. I have so many emotions and thoughts of doubt and guilt that we, her family, her doctors didn't do enough for her to give her the fighting chance she deserved and wanted. It seems her family gave up on her as soon as the doctor said it was terminal without even exploring a second opinion. Her wishes were not considered and mine, of course, did not matter. I was not family after all. 

She's gone and no one understands my pain. I can't talk to friends, family, or coworkers about the true nature of my loss. I feel so lonely and lost without my sweet girl. I feel left behind. The house seems so empty without her. I bought it for her, she wanted a house so much, and now she's gone. 

I'm tired of people saying give it time, you'll make more friends, maybe a new best friend will come along. I don't want new or more friends. I want Lily. It won't happen, I know, but I can't accept or believe she's gone. I miss her so much. I miss her voice, her beautiful smile, her laugh, hugging her, rubbing her arm. I keep saying she deserved better. Why God? She was so faithful and prayed every day. Why didn't He save her?! I just feel so alone and sad. My life will never be the same again without her and I wish it could have been me instead of her. 

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I'm so very sorry for your loss.  I've always loved the name, Lily; it reminded me a beautiful flower, and I bet that is what she was.  I know the pain you're experiencing; I lost the love of my life of nearly 45 years just about 5 months ago and I'm still having difficulty believing that he's gone.  I've never known anyone to have died of cancer but can only imagine how hard it must be to go through and equally hard to watch someone you love go through it.

 

1 hour ago, Lulu said:

Why God? She was so faithful and prayed every day. Why didn't He save her?! I just feel so alone and sad. My life will never be the same again without her and I wish it could have been me instead of her. 

Losing a loved one is probably the most painful and difficult experience for anyone to endure. In some ways, I think it is more painful when we lose a loved one than if personally are experiencing sickness and great pain.  When we lose someone so dear to us, there are so many different emotions that confront us. These emotions can run the gamut of human feelings. What could I have done to help more? Why did God do this? I should have said this or done that. How will I survive on my own? 

Realize that suffering is a part of life. I think when we face and embrace the pain of losing someone so dear to us, we can see more quickly the light at the end of the tunnel. We eventually learn that light "does shine" through the darkness and we will feel peace again someday.  By not "facing the pain of loss", we place ourselves in an "artificial place" trying to protect ourselves. I do not think there are shortcuts to avoid or minimize the pain we feel when we lose a loved one. 

You're correct - your life will never be the same; it will be different - because it is different. Different does not necessary mean grim, dreary, or bleak;-  just different.   The love you shared with Lily will always be with you; Lily's spirit will always be with you; the memories you made and shared together will always be with you.  You may not know it, but if you take another look, you'll see how blessed you truly are.  God designed a women specially for you, put her into your life; allowed you to share 20 years together; allowed you to share your love for one another; she loved you for the rest of her life.  Count your blessings, not your misfortunes.   What keeps me going is my trust in God - you see, I know I'm going to see my Charles again someday; and this time I won't ever have to worry of parting from him again. There is great comfort in the promise of an eternal heaven with him. 

My prayer is for God to shine HIS beautiful light through you, despite your suffering. HIS amazing unconditional love is beyond your comprehension. I pray that love, compassion, acceptance, and peace will blossom in you as HIS presence lights your soul.

I hope you continue to post here; there is a camaraderie you won't find elsewhere.  We genuinely care for each person's well being and will help one another get through this difficulty journey. 

 

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Oh Hon, I am so sorry you lost your Lily.  Your love for each other is very evident in your post.  I'm sorry things are so hard for you, no one was more family than you, it's so sad that it's not recognized legally. :(  Very unfair and not what either of you would have wanted.  

I don't know why, when we pray, we don't always get the answer we want.  I don't know why God doesn't intervene and grant us a miracle.  He does some, I don't know why not others.  When my husband died I was praying too.  I know there's a whole lot we don't understand and may not until we enter our next life.  I know God has been with me to comfort me in my grief journey these last 12 years and He will you too if you want Him to.  The first year I felt like my prayers bounced off heaven, but I think I was just in such abject misery nothing could get through it.  I made effort to look for good in each day, sometimes it was a stretch, but no matter how small, I embraced and appreciated that little joy.  The adjustment to our "life without" is a long one that requires much effort, and it can be exhausting.  Self care is very important especially now so even if you don't feel like it, try to eat something healthy, drink some water, and go for a walk.

You will know what is right for you.  Many people will offer advice, most unsolicited, but stick with what your gut tells you, you will know what you need.  (((hugs)))

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Lily's cancer diagnosis took us by surprise because she was always so healthy and strong. We thought she had beat it but it came back with a vengeance and it was a rollercoaster of emotions when doctors said it's cancer, it's not cancer, and then yes it is cancer! From day one, I took care of her, took her to her appointments, chemo treatments, surgeries, and cooked her meals, changed her , bathed her, rubbed her when she was hurting. In the hospital and hospice, I stayed with her 24/7. I couldn't leave her side. When her family arrived, they swooped in and took over the decision making and I couldn't comfort Lily like I wanted to when they were around. I still stayed by her side and did my best to ensure she was being well taken care of. I prayed and I prayed for a miracle, but one never came. I've never questioned God and His will, but I'm struggling now. When I'm in church, I am in tears because I don't understand why He didn't save my Lily. Others say He did. She's no longer in pain and is in heaven with Him. I should rejoice in that, but I want her here with me, healthy and happy like we were not too long ago. She loved life no matter how hard it could be. She was so full of life. Everyone who met her, fell in love with her spirit. Everyone thinks I'm grieving for my best friend so I'm sure they are like get over it. But, I'm grieving for the love of my life and I have to do it while pretending I'm doing OK. I'm so miserable. I talk to her every day and ask her for a sign that she is OK. That she is watching over me. That I will be OK. Nothing yet. Why? Why do I not dream of my sweet Lily? I miss her so much.

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You were a wonderful, loving, caregiver. 

Probably the best book you could read right now is A Grief Observed, by C. S. Lewis.

It is impossible to know why God does or does not do things. There is no good explanation as to why bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people. 

The one certain thing is that God will comfort you. 

 

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I agree with Ace, both that you were a wonderful partner and also that A Grief Observed is a good book, and the comments he made about God.

The things you are grappling with are things I think we all have, the same feelings of wanting them to be here with us and it being hard to understand.  I never have learned a "why", not sure one exists.  It's easier for me to live with the thought that this is random not singled out by God, that'd be pretty hard for me to grapple with.

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Lulu,  I am deeply sorry for the loss of your soulmate, Lily. I am sorry also that the love you two shared had to be kept on the more discreet side. Love is love. It chooses us and is not restricted by gender, age, etc. You are a loving partner and Lily could not have asked for a better person than you to be there at her side giving her the care she needed. Lily is in Heaven with God now, but she loves you even more and deeply appreciates the love and care you were giving her. God knows best and has His own individual plans for us. His was to take Lily home, our real home, Heaven.

Maybe, in time, when you feel it is right, you can find a grief counselor to share your story with and to help you through this grieving journey. If not, you have us here. This forum has been my life line, maybe it will become yours also. When family and friends don't really understand, know what to say, there is this safe place for you to land in. We are a big family with the common ground of losing someone special.God will love you, comfort and guide you as long as you let Him.  (HUGS)

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Thank you all for your kind words. They mean a lot to me. I'm in so much pain from losing my sweet Lily. It was so hard seeing her go through her battle with cancer but it hurts so much knowing she wanted to live and fight but didn't stand a chance. I wish I could have done more for her. I told her every day how much I loved her and how much she meant to me. I know she loved me and I know she'd want me to be strong but I can't. We did everything together and I built my life around her. I didn't need other friends or family as long as I had her. We thought we had more years ahead and we had so many plans. Now I have nothing. I've tried spending time with my family to help provide some distraction but I'm so lonely and miss Lily. I think she would be texting or calling me to see how the family visit is going. I have  yet to cook a meal for myself. I just don't want to or care. I usually just grab something quick on my way home from work or warm up a can of soup. I come home and just go straight to my bedroom, change, and get in bed. I try to eat and drink water but I'm really just doing the minimum to get by. People just don't understand that how much and important Lily was in my life. She was my life. All I ever wanted to do was to make her happy and give her whatever gave her joy. That was my purpose in life. Now, I have nothing to look forward to. Just so much to dread, like holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. How I wish this was all a terrible dream and I could just wake up from it!

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13 hours ago, Lulu said:

I know she'd want me to be strong but I can't.

You only have to do it today.  Then get up again tomorrow and do it all over again.  It helps to just do this day and not look at any larger frame of time.

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7 hours ago, KayC said:

You only have to do it today.  Then get up again tomorrow and do it all over again.  It helps to just do this day and not look at any larger frame of time.

I'm trying but some days, it's so hard. I feel like I'm living the life she deserved. I'm going to her church and the people have been so kind. These are her church family. They should be embracing her, not me. I had to go shopping for shoes for her service. I hate shopping for myself, she loved it. She should be shopping for shoes and clothes. I see so many pieces of clothing she would have loved. I haven't gone grocery shopping because I only did it before because we enjoyed cooking meals together. Now, I don't care. I feel so lonely even when surrounded by family. They don't get it and I can't explain to them my deep sorrow. Oh, how I wish Lily was here with me. It's a blessing to be able to express myself on this forum where others truly feel and understand what I am going through. 

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Lulu, all of us here sympathize and understand. The grocery store is a big issue for many of us and the loneliness even in a group of friends is horrendous. 

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Lulu, I ditto with AceBasin's post. It is a blessing that Lily's church family is embracing you. They love and care for you. We are all connected spiritually. Lily chose a good church family which shows her wisdom and strength of character. She would want you to continue living the life she deserved, because you deserve it also.

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Lulu,

I hate shopping too, walmart.com is great, you don't have to drive through traffic, park, go all over the store, drive home, pack it all in the house.  If it wasn't for produce I'd probably never go to a store.

I'm glad Lily's church is there for you, they're like extended family, I hope you'll let them be that to you.

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On 5/4/2017 at 6:45 PM, Francine said:

I'm so very sorry for your loss.  I've always loved the name, Lily; it reminded me a beautiful flower, and I bet that is what she was.  I know the pain you're experiencing; I lost the love of my life of nearly 45 years just about 5 months ago and I'm still having difficulty believing that he's gone.  I've never known anyone to have died of cancer but can only imagine how hard it must be to go through and equally hard to watch someone you love go through it.

 

Losing a loved one is probably the most painful and difficult experience for anyone to endure. In some ways, I think it is more painful when we lose a loved one than if personally are experiencing sickness and great pain.  When we lose someone so dear to us, there are so many different emotions that confront us. These emotions can run the gamut of human feelings. What could I have done to help more? Why did God do this? I should have said this or done that. How will I survive on my own? 

Realize that suffering is a part of life. I think when we face and embrace the pain of losing someone so dear to us, we can see more quickly the light at the end of the tunnel. We eventually learn that light "does shine" through the darkness and we will feel peace again someday.  By not "facing the pain of loss", we place ourselves in an "artificial place" trying to protect ourselves. I do not think there are shortcuts to avoid or minimize the pain we feel when we lose a loved one. 

You're correct - your life will never be the same; it will be different - because it is different. Different does not necessary mean grim, dreary, or bleak;-  just different.   The love you shared with Lily will always be with you; Lily's spirit will always be with you; the memories you made and shared together will always be with you.  You may not know it, but if you take another look, you'll see how blessed you truly are.  God designed a women specially for you, put her into your life; allowed you to share 20 years together; allowed you to share your love for one another; she loved you for the rest of her life.  Count your blessings, not your misfortunes.   What keeps me going is my trust in God - you see, I know I'm going to see my Charles again someday; and this time I won't ever have to worry of parting from him again. There is great comfort in the promise of an eternal heaven with him. 

My prayer is for God to shine HIS beautiful light through you, despite your suffering. HIS amazing unconditional love is beyond your comprehension. I pray that love, compassion, acceptance, and peace will blossom in you as HIS presence lights your soul.

I hope you continue to post here; there is a camaraderie you won't find elsewhere.  We genuinely care for each person's well being and will help one another get through this difficulty journey. 

 

Thank you. I read your comments again and they brought tears to my eyes because I truly feel you understand what I am feeling. Other's comments here also mean so much to me because they validate my feelings. In my world, life seems to keep going but I'm standing still. My life has stopped and everyone else seems to be happy while I'm so sad and lonely. I miss my Lily and I know life will never be the same. I look forward to being with her again. I no longer fear death as it will bring a reunion with the love of my life, my best friend, my soulmate, my sweet Lily. Until then, I have to take each day one at a time, but it's so difficult without her presence in my life. She truly was everything to me. 

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Lulu, I do hope you have support with whom you can talk about your dear Lily.

One day at a time is the only way I'm surviving this hellish grief journey.  A shudder of anxiety travels through me and lands in my tummy when thoughts of the future sneak into my head. My brain can't say 'don't go there' quick enough to prevent the shudder, like it can with some other thoughts I'm able to halt in their tracks. 

Hugs Lulu. 

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13 hours ago, M88 said:

Lulu, I do hope you have support with whom you can talk about your dear Lily.

One day at a time is the only way I'm surviving this hellish grief journey.  A shudder of anxiety travels through me and lands in my tummy when thoughts of the future sneak into my head. My brain can't say 'don't go there' quick enough to prevent the shudder, like it can with some other thoughts I'm able to halt in their tracks. 

Hugs Lulu. 

Unfortunately, I don't have anyone I can really talk to about my grief and loneliness. I've always been a loner and Lily was my whole world. I was closer to her than most of my family. Some of my family have been supportive but they don't get the full extent of my true loss. I feel like the few friends I have want me to move on and I feel like I am bothering them when I try to express my feelings. I mean what else can they say when they have not gone through what I am going through. They talk about close friends moving away. It's NOT the same! For now, I have resigned myself to suffer alone. This forum has been so comforting. It's the only place I can express my true feelings. Thank you for listening. You are all I have right now. 

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Lulu, I'm sorry you have no one close enough to help be there to talk to. You do have us here. I hope that we can provide you what you need, a listening ear and understanding. No one should have to grieve alone. Our loss is sad enough, but to be alone is the worst.  Keep posting, someone is listening.  (HUGS)

 

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Lulu, please allow us to be your best friends to help you through your grief.  Sharing our grief, like tears, is healing in itself.  As is telling our story.  As this is a public forum we do need to be aware of what we write, but you can always send a pm to someone you feel comfortable with. 

As KMB said, someone is listening. At any given time of the day or night there is usually one of us here. 

Sending strength, love and hugs.

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Lulu,

We understand, we get it.  Lily wasn't just a friend, she was your life, the same as our spouse/partner was our life.  Come here any time day or night, with the different time zones, there's usually someone on line reading shortly.

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Thank you for being here for me. I just can't get over feeling so alone, left behind, and hurting for my Lily. I also keep replaying the last couple of months hoping I could have done something different that would have prevented her from leaving me. I know nothing will change but I can't stop thinking about the what ifs. 

Something else that is troubling me is that I have e yet to dream of my Lily. She is no where in my dreams. I thought I would constantly be dreaming of her since I miss her so and yearn for our life together, so I don't know why I have not been able to see her in my dreams. There is no doubt of my love for her so why? Is this normal? Surely it isn't.

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Lulu, I didn't dream of George for a year or two, it took a very long time, and I couldn't understand it.  We were each other's lives!  We were on each other's minds all the time, how could I not dream of him!  I don't know why, but it did come, I still don't dream of him much but he's on my mind all of the time when I'm awake.  I felt jealous of those who'd get a visit in a dream, but that sure wasn't my experience.

I'd have to say it's normal to, it's normal not to, it's something we have no control over and it is NO indicator of our great love for each other!

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Lulu, All your thoughts and feelings are completely normal. We go through the what ifs,should haves and the whys. We are searching for the ways that would have changed the outcome. Nothing could have changed what happened. If something was meant to be different, God would have intervened. That burden of guilt we carry is a normal but unwanted feeling. Please, do not hang onto those feelings. The heartache of loss is enough, we do not need to keep beating ourselves up over what we had no control over.

You and Lily shared a great, soulmate love. That will never change. Love never dies. To dream or not to dream of Lily is also normal. When we are intensely grieving, it is hard to have any good dreams. Grieving has its own negative energy and our minds are filled with chaos. When you get further along in your journey, the good dreams will appear.

Hang in there, Lulu. God's blessings of love and strength to you.

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You all are so wonderful! Thank you for confirming I'm not crazy for feeling the way I do. It's very reassuring to know others have or are still feeling the same kind of pain, loneliness and heartache after losing someone so special to our hearts and lives. Lily and I had built our lives around each other and we thought we had more years together ahead. I'm starting to have trouble looking at pictures of her now. She looks so happy and it hurts to know we never thought she'd be gone so soon! I miss her so much. I don't know how I can go on without her and be happy ever again.

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I'm having a rough day today. I tell myself to stop rehashing the last few months and be happy that she is with God without worries and full of peace and love. I think I'm managing to get by and then the reality that she is not here hits me so hard. I feel selfish to want her here and then I feel guilty that I could possibly geton with my life without her, like I'm disrespecting how much she meant to me and my life. How do you all do it?! 

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Lulu, Sorry you are having a rough day. They just never seem to end, but , in time, it does get easier to bare. It is weird, strange, how the mind operates. it is like it keeps hitting replay. I don't feel it is really selfishness to want our loved ones back. We miss them, the loneliness and empty void is hard to adapt to. I would love for my husband to be back, but I wouldn't want for him to still be suffering. As I"m sure you wouldn't want for Lily to still be suffering. You have no reason to feel guilty for eventually moving forward. We have this life to get through yet and moving forward is the only way to do that. Live your life for yourself and for Lily. She will be in your heart forever. That would be honoring her and showing her you still love her, even though you are separated by this world and Heaven. One day at a time.   (HUGS)

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