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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
Sue P 67

Our time was too short, not married, didn't live together-people don't understand

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Sue P 67   

I'm having such a hard time the last couple of days.  My emotions are all over the place.  

I miss Scott so damn much!  Every song on the radio, every place I drive, even my phone reminds me on Tues-Wed & Saturdays that I would drive to his house!  

Unlike many of you, I didn't lose my spouse, I lost my boyfriend of only 4 months.  He had cancer...I knew that when I met him but we both thought it was treatable and he would survive.  It turned bad very very quickly and we didn't even have much time to react or deal with our emotions.  He died thinking he was still going home!

No one in my life understands how I can possibly be mourning as hard as I am for someone I only knew such a short time.  He was truly the love of my life...the man I was waiting for.  We were each others rewards for bad marriages and bad rebound relationships after our marriages ended.  We knew that.  Our stories were the same.  Married to cheaters....dated assholes that didn't love us...just what we could do for or give to them.   We were in love.  He was my Mr. Perfect.

I don't have the years of memories, the children in common, the home we shared, all I have are the memories of 4 months of dates, cuddles, little day trips we took together and doctors visits I went with him on.  It seems like so little to some but I remember every single minute we spent together every single day since he has passed.  My heart is shattered into a million pieces.  I just think I've got it together and something triggers the tears.  It is awful!

My friends ask me if I'm ready to date, to move forward, to get over it.  I don't think I will ever get over it and I am sure I will find a way to move forward but I'm so sad.  I too have thought at moments how I wish my life would end so I could be with him.  I thought I was crazy but as I read through these posts I see it is a very normal feeling.

His parents (& family) want me to stay in their lives.  I'm grateful for that.  They invited me out to dinner last night so I had to meet them at Scott's house (they are staying there while their house is being built and are preparing his house for sale).  It was the first time I walked in that house since they day we buried him.  That day it still had all of his stuff in it, his 2 dogs were still there...it was just missing him.  Since that day both of his dogs have died...I am convinced of broken hearts and they have started getting rid of stuff.  It was overwhelming walking into that house and not seeing him waiting for me and for the dogs not to be running to greet me.  My grief started at ground zero again.  

We went to dinner at a restaurant that he and I went to once.  The same restaurant I went to with his parents and grandparents the night he died.  My 3rd time in that restaurant and all 3 times they have seated me at the same table he and I sat at the first time I was there.  IT WAS CRAZY!!!  It's a big places - 50+ tables!  How do we end up at the same one?

Today, his grandma called me to check on me...I haven't talked to her since Easter.  She is heartbroken...the tears started for me again and I can't get a grip.

Grief sucks!  No matter how much time you spend with the love of your life...the grief is horrible.  I have so much sadness over what we DIDN'T get to do together.  We didn't get to celebrate either of our birthdays together...never spent a summer together....didn't get the chance to live together or build the life we discussed together for us an our kids.  

I don't know how I will ever move forward or if my heart will ever stop feeling so heavy.  I miss my Scott so damn much :(

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Sue P 67   

My own father doesn't get it - when I called him to tell him Scott died, his response "well honey, it's not like you didn't see it coming".  I DIDN'T!  I didn't realize he was going to die until the night before he did.  

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Noris   

Love at the beginning is very bright and strong. I know how you feel. It is terrible. It is just so fresh wound. Don't explain to anybody anything. It is their problem if they don't get it.

It is really hard to be at his place and at the same time you don't want to leave. I smiled reading your story about the restaurant. I think he just wanted to send you a sign.

I feel your pain. I understand. Do not talk to anybody who doesn't understand you. I wish I could find some words to support you, but I am the one who is also looking for some miracle.... Some people write blogs here - does not work for me - but you have to try. Like you are sending letters to him.

12 yrs ago I also lived in Upstate NY. Have you heard about Malone? Let me know if I can help...

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Francine   

 

51 minutes ago, Sue P 67 said:

My 3rd time in that restaurant and all 3 times they have seated me at the same table he and I sat at the first time I was there.  IT WAS CRAZY!!!  It's a big places - 50+ tables!  How do we end up at the same one?

Talk about coincidences - or maybe luck, or perhaps a sign.  Whatever it was, Scott's spirit was with you that day.

 

51 minutes ago, Sue P 67 said:

I miss Scott so damn much!   I lost my boyfriend of only 4 months.  He had cancer...   We were in love.  He was my Mr. Perfect.   all I have are the memories of 4 months of dates, cuddles, little day trips we took together and doctors visits I went with him on.  It seems like so little to some but I remember every single minute we spent together every single day since he has passed.  My heart is shattered into a million pieces.  I just think I've got it together and something triggers the tears.  It is awful!

I'm so sorry for your loss and just from from reading your post, it was evident the love you had for your Scott.  While I don't know of anyone dying from cancer; i can only imagine how devastating it must have been for you.   I know that 4 months is relatively a short amount of time to be together, but often times the things we take for granted are the things someone else is praying for.   Know you are blessed; you got the opportunity to share your love with, as you put it, your "Mr. Perfect".   You are blessed because Scott left this world knowing he was loved and he loved.  He spent the rest of his life loving you;  If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money cannot buy.  There's an old saying the went something like this, "I cried because I had no shoes....until I saw a man with no feet."  Life is full of blessings; sometimes we're just blind to see them.

 
51 minutes ago, Sue P 67 said:

His parents (& family) want me to stay in their lives.  I'm grateful for that.  They invited me out to dinner last night so I had to meet them at Scott's house (they are staying there while their house is being built and are preparing his house for sale).  It was the first time I walked in that house since they day we buried him.  Today, his grandma called me to check on me...I haven't talked to her since Easter.  She is heartbroken...the tears started for me again and I can't get a grip.

I think it is wonderful that his family want you to stay in their lives.  I think every family has a story to tell and they want to include you in theirs.  Family is not defined only by last names or by blood, it's defined by commitment and by love.  It means showing up when needed; it means having one another's back no matter what; it means choosing to love each other when on those days you might struggle to like each other; it means never giving up on each other.  I hope you find it in your heart to reach out to his grandmother - I know it will certainly make her day and maybe yours as well.

 

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Andy   

P 67, I'm so sorry, I truly am, the depth and sincerity of your devotion is evident in your testimony. 

In some of my others posts, I've mentioned my belief that love, pure, unconditional love, is the strongest force we can experience. To experience it is to transcend the material, to be enveloped in something so extraordinarily special. Perhaps because of the negative relationships you both experienced, it made you more aware of true beauty, more appreciative of such a precious thing. Length of time isn't relative to the strength of love. 4 months, 40 years, time is linear, it doesn't matter. Only you know how you feel, only you understand the reality of what it meant to spend those days with Scott, only you can process and move "forward", on your terms. People will not "get" it, not if they haven't been where you are. 

In ignorance people can hurt, they can say the most insensitive of things. You'll do yourself a wealth of good if you can look past it, those words can't break what you have. 

I will be thinking of you, may you find peace and comfort,

Andy

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KayC   

Sue,

I am so sorry you lost the love of your life, just as you found him and were beginning to enjoy the life you were to have together.  It isn't the quantity of time that determines our grief but the depth of love.  You crammed a whole lot of love and living into that all too short period of time.  My husband and I clicked like I have never seen before, we got each other, we understood and had faith in each other, it was an amazing relationship.  He called it "friendship that grew wings".  Even though it was to be all too short (and we'd had similar experiences to you and yours), it is the love that sustains me and will the rest of my life.  It's been nearly 12 years now.  It seems both like an eternity and yesterday all at the same time.  

People who have not been through this can't begin to understand.  You'll find we pour our hearts out here, this is the safe place where we can be heard and understood.  We are a grief family and we welcome you here.  It does help to express yourself and know you're heard.  I hope you'll continue to come here.  I also want to mention that self care is extremely important right now, eat something healthy, drink some water, go for a walk, even, especially, if you don't feel like it.  Our brains need all the help we can get!

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HHFaith   

Sue, I get it. The amount of time does not matter, other than the fact there are more memories. But the depth of the pain and grief are no different. Pat and I were only together for a year and a half. we were not married either. But he was the one - the love of my life. We both waited so long to finally find each other. What a wonderful future we had planned. But he died unexpectedly instead. I've also noticed that people react differently knowing you weren't married or together that long. I hate it when the first question they ask is "how long were you together?"  What the hell does that matter??!!  They just don't get it. It doesn't make the pain any less. 

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KayC   
19 minutes ago, HHFaith said:

I've also noticed that people react differently knowing you weren't married or together that long. I hate it when the first question they ask is "how long were you together?"  What the hell does that matter??!!  They just don't get it.

You are very right and I hate that!  It's like "grief discrimination"!  Married or not, how long, it doesn't enter in to how we feel about each other or how deeply impacting is this grief!  I was in a 23 year marriage but we were not in love, we were not that close, he didn't like me talking to him, he wouldn't spend time with me...if he'd died, my grief would have been vastly different than this grief I have with George!  George and I only knew each other 6 1/2 years, married 3 years 8 months, but we clicked from the beginning, our connection was amazing, our friendship quickly grew into (as he put it) "friendship with wings".  He is my soul mate.  I'm sorry it took us so long to find each other and we got such a short time together, maybe it took our lives to prepare for each other and fully appreciate each other, but I'm so glad we were able to be together for the time we did.

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Sue P 67   
On 5/4/2017 at 6:10 PM, Noris said:

Love at the beginning is very bright and strong. I know how you feel. It is terrible. It is just so fresh wound. Don't explain to anybody anything. It is their problem if they don't get it.

It is really hard to be at his place and at the same time you don't want to leave. I smiled reading your story about the restaurant. I think he just wanted to send you a sign.

I feel your pain. I understand. Do not talk to anybody who doesn't understand you. I wish I could find some words to support you, but I am the one who is also looking for some miracle.... Some people write blogs here - does not work for me - but you have to try. Like you are sending letters to him.

12 yrs ago I also lived in Upstate NY. Have you heard about Malone? Let me know if I can help...

Thank you Noris.  I am learning not to talk to people about it that don't get it.  I'm realizing through this forum that the only people that CAN get it are people that are also going through it.  This forum truly has given me a place where I feel understood.  I lost a brother to a drug overdose last May & my ex husbands father passed a few years ago...I loved them both dearly but this is a completely different kind of loss.

You are so right about his place.  All I wanted to do the day he died was go up to his bedroom & cry my eyes out in his bed.  His Mom asked me that day if there was anything of his I wanted...All I wanted was a pillow off his bed he called his "Sue Pillow" that he cuddled when I wasn't there.  I didn't tell her all of that but she said it's yours, go get it.  Thank God for that pillow, it still smelled like him for a week & was what helped me sleep those early days.

Yes, I have heard of Malone.  I'm in the Rochester area.  

I am so sorry for your loss.  This forum truly helps and the people here are wonderful.  

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Sue P 67   
On 5/4/2017 at 6:19 PM, Francine said:

 

Talk about coincidences - or maybe luck, or perhaps a sign.  Whatever it was, Scott's spirit was with you that day.

I couldn't agree with you more.  I feel him with me a lot-I know he is here trying to help me get through this. <3

 

I think it is wonderful that his family want you to stay in their lives.  I think every family has a story to tell and they want to include you in theirs.  Family is not defined only by last names or by blood, it's defined by commitment and by love.  It means showing up when needed; it means having one another's back no matter what; it means choosing to love each other when on those days you might struggle to like each other; it means never giving up on each other.  I hope you find it in your heart to reach out to his grandmother - I know it will certainly make her day and maybe yours as well.

His family is a blessing & I do see & talk to his grandma.  She is my biggest fan.  She was close to Scott-he always made time for her & we visited her together frequently.  I am actually taking my son to her Mothers Day celebration with Scott's parents.  I feel like I help them feel closer to Scott in some way & they share his life with me that I didn't get the chance to learn from him  

 

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Sue P 67   
On 5/4/2017 at 9:00 PM, Andy said:

P 67, I'm so sorry, I truly am, the depth and sincerity of your devotion is evident in your testimony. 

In some of my others posts, I've mentioned my belief that love, pure, unconditional love, is the strongest force we can experience. To experience it is to transcend the material, to be enveloped in something so extraordinarily special. Perhaps because of the negative relationships you both experienced, it made you more aware of true beauty, more appreciative of such a precious thing. Length of time isn't relative to the strength of love. 4 months, 40 years, time is linear, it doesn't matter. Only you know how you feel, only you understand the reality of what it meant to spend those days with Scott, only you can process and move "forward", on your terms. People will not "get" it, not if they haven't been where you are. 

In ignorance people can hurt, they can say the most insensitive of things. You'll do yourself a wealth of good if you can look past it, those words can't break what you have. 

I will be thinking of you, may you find peace and comfort,

Andy

Andy,

your words are beautiful.  You are right-we did see the purity of what we had.  I know that is why this hurts so deep for me. 

I will be thinking of you as well. 

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Sue P 67   
23 hours ago, KayC said:

Sue,

I am so sorry you lost the love of your life, just as you found him and were beginning to enjoy the life you were to have together.  It isn't the quantity of time that determines our grief but the depth of love.  You crammed a whole lot of love and living into that all too short period of time.  My husband and I clicked like I have never seen before, we got each other, we understood and had faith in each other, it was an amazing relationship.  He called it "friendship that grew wings".  Even though it was to be all too short (and we'd had similar experiences to you and yours), it is the love that sustains me and will the rest of my life.  It's been nearly 12 years now.  It seems both like an eternity and yesterday all at the same time.  

People who have not been through this can't begin to understand.  You'll find we pour our hearts out here, this is the safe place where we can be heard and understood.  We are a grief family and we welcome you here.  It does help to express yourself and know you're heard.  I hope you'll continue to come here.  I also want to mention that self care is extremely important right now, eat something healthy, drink some water, go for a walk, even, especially, if you don't feel like it.  Our brains need all the help we can get!

Thank you Kay.  I am working on the self care. I have a 12 yr old son so important for me to get through the days with some sort of normalcy for him. He is grieving too, he really liked Scott & knew we would have a life together if it weren't for the cancer.

I am ever so grateful for this forum.  I don't know how i would have coped these last few weeks without the understanding & comfort I find here.  It'll be 5 weeks tomorrow since he passed.  Some nights I go to bed & just pray I wake up tomorrow to a text from him saying "what up baby" & it was all just a nightmare. 

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Sue P 67   
12 hours ago, HHFaith said:

Sue, I get it. The amount of time does not matter, other than the fact there are more memories. But the depth of the pain and grief are no different. Pat and I were only together for a year and a half. we were not married either. But he was the one - the love of my life. We both waited so long to finally find each other. What a wonderful future we had planned. But he died unexpectedly instead. I've also noticed that people react differently knowing you weren't married or together that long. I hate it when the first question they ask is "how long were you together?"  What the hell does that matter??!!  They just don't get it. It doesn't make the pain any less. 

HhFaith,

I am so sorry for your loss.  

I agree many act differently when they find we weren't married & didn't even live together.  We would have if time had allowed.  I know that in my heart.   Your right, the length of time doesn't matter.  The quality of our time is what matters & I know because he had cancer we fast forwarded a lot of things.  We knew what our life together would have been...we just had to kick cancers ass.  He fought hard but lost unfortunately.  I tell myself God obviously needed him more than we did. :(

 

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Sue P 67   
12 hours ago, KayC said:

You are very right and I hate that!  It's like "grief discrimination"!  Married or not, how long, it doesn't enter in to how we feel about each other or how deeply impacting is this grief!  I was in a 23 year marriage but we were not in love, we were not that close, he didn't like me talking to him, he wouldn't spend time with me...if he'd died, my grief would have been vastly different than this grief I have with George!  George and I only knew each other 6 1/2 years, married 3 years 8 months, but we clicked from the beginning, our connection was amazing, our friendship quickly grew into (as he put it) "friendship with wings".  He is my soul mate.  I'm sorry it took us so long to find each other and we got such a short time together, maybe it took our lives to prepare for each other and fully appreciate each other, but I'm so glad we were able to be together for the time we did.

Grief discrimination! Perfect way to put it!  

I'm so glad you had those 6 1/2 years!  

I often ask myself how I can be hurting so badly over this loss verses the loss of my 28 yr marriage.  The answer was this love was pure & real...my marriage was great at the beginning but nothing like my love for Scott. 

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I'm so sorry for your loss and sorry others don't understand.

I'm young, only married to my former wife a few years, and still get "grief discrimination" too because we were not married 30+ years with kids like a lot of other widows/widowers. If people are judgy of me, I can't imagine how judgy they are of you, and I'm sorry you have to put up with it. Unless they've been there themselves, they just don't get it, and it's easier for them to put it into a neat little box to try to understand.

When you lose your soulmate, you are never the same. And cancer is a brutal battle, a rollercoaster of hope and suffering, highs and lows.

 

 

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Andy   

It is this "judgement" I don't understand. This constant battle to show someone that my grief is deeper than yours, you don't know what true sorrow is unless "this or that" or perhaps "these and those" occur.  It's madness, complete ego gratification to seek validation by minimizing someone else's grief. Cruelty finds its way in every human condition I'm afraid. I lost my wife, my daughter her mom, my parents a daughter in law. We all grieve for the same person but from different perspectives, how in Gods name can anyone tell me they somehow know the "degree" of grief I have? Or anyone? Why would anyone WANT to? It must come from a place of uncertainty, guilt, self doubt as they see their own grieving, maybe it's not as sincere as it appears? Perhaps they see others bereavement as stealing the light from them? Attention has an addictive quality, sympathy even more so. 

Its a disturbing comment on some of us when even the most devastating of life events can't even erase some of these thoughtless reactions. Our love of self seems to be the pinnacle of our aspirations. Or maybe within the context of our ultimate loss, we see ourselves as truly and completely alone, and that drives our need to keep the focus on us. For without the pity or concern of others, what do we have? Nothing but memories and empty houses. 

So maybe it's the grief itself that pushes some of us to minimize others suffering, we simply can't allow it. I hurt, only I. My pain is unique, someone, please help me. Maybe it's that simple. I need. 

Its all so terribly heartbreaking for all of us. God watch over us and bless us, the weak, the broken, the lonely and the lost. 

Andy

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Noris   
Dear, Sue! I am glad to see you got some emotional support here.
I read your story about the pillow and I understand why and how much you need this pillow. I think the pillow is enough. All things that belonged to my late husband just lost their value and purpose. All those things remind me the time when we got them. Painful! I don't want even to see all those cowboy hats and boots, funny socks and just black socks, a new coffee mug and old kitchen knives. Unfinished cologne bought for Christmas.  I moved out of the bedroom and it took me a month before I even could touch the bed and wash the sheets.                 
Looks like he has great parents with big hearts as they support you so much.
Do you have anybody around who just can give you a hug?
Talking about 4 months or 40 years. I don't think anybody can compare. I was married for 14 yrs once and honestly nothing good to remember, no feelings at all. But once I met somebody when it was a bad weather and we stuck for 3 days at some cold airport. 3 days changed me completely. Just 3 happy days. It was more than 30 yrs ago but I still remember every bright minute of those days. I know how you feel, I know how deep your wound is. The grief of loss is huge! Any time it is huge, over the roof. When your heart is broken - it is broken and it doesn't matter how many years you were happy before. It will take a long time to heal... It will leave a deep scar. Love never dies it will just hide deep into your heart...
Your time was too short but your love is too big. I don't think it can be little or small love.

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KayC   

Sue,

I'm so glad you got his pillow!  I remember when I could no longer smell George in his pillow, robe, sheets, I cried!  It was a month before I could wash his sheets and I didn't want to even then.

I agree with Noris, your time was short, but your love is big!

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Sue P 67   
On 5/5/2017 at 11:53 PM, EternalFlames said:

When you lose your soulmate, you are never the same. And cancer is a brutal battle, a rollercoaster of hope and suffering, highs and lows.

You are so right!  Cancer was always part of our relationship - I knew he had it when we met but he was SO STRONG and positive...never in a million years did I think it would take his life.  I've known of so many people that have had cancer and survived it....so why not him?  It is heart wrenching that such a good person lost his fight so quickly.  It's so unfair. He made changes in his life for the better...he realized many things that he needed to change and learned to appreciate what he had and the people around him...something he apparently took for granted before (like we all do I am sure).  The biggest struggle for me is WHY...I'll never have the answer but I don't see how this pain ever lessens.  It's only been 5 weeks...I'm sure it does lessen in time....this overwhelming sadness is too much....my heart is so heavy.  

 

 

 

 

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Sue P 67   
On 5/6/2017 at 0:16 AM, Andy said:

It is this "judgement" I don't understand. This constant battle to show someone that my grief is deeper than yours, you don't know what true sorrow is unless "this or that" or perhaps "these and those" occur.  It's madness, complete ego gratification to seek validation by minimizing someone else's grief. Cruelty finds its way in every human condition I'm afraid. I lost my wife, my daughter her mom, my parents a daughter in law. We all grieve for the same person but from different perspectives, how in Gods name can anyone tell me they somehow know the "degree" of grief I have? Or anyone? Why would anyone WANT to? It must come from a place of uncertainty, guilt, self doubt as they see their own grieving, maybe it's not as sincere as it appears? Perhaps they see others bereavement as stealing the light from them? Attention has an addictive quality, sympathy even more so. 

Its a disturbing comment on some of us when even the most devastating of life events can't even erase some of these thoughtless reactions. Our love of self seems to be the pinnacle of our aspirations. Or maybe within the context of our ultimate loss, we see ourselves as truly and completely alone, and that drives our need to keep the focus on us. For without the pity or concern of others, what do we have? Nothing but memories and empty houses. 

So maybe it's the grief itself that pushes some of us to minimize others suffering, we simply can't allow it. I hurt, only I. My pain is unique, someone, please help me. Maybe it's that simple. I need. 

Its all so terribly heartbreaking for all of us. God watch over us and bless us, the weak, the broken, the lonely and the lost. 

Andy

Andy...it is so terribly heartbreaking for all of us.  I read through these posts and can relate to most.  Its sad that there are SO MANY of us feeling this same kind of pain.  I wouldn't wish this on anyone.  I look at my situation of only having known Scott for 4 months and feeling my loss as great as it is.  I can not even imagine how someone that has 40 years of memories moves on.  It almost makes me afraid of falling in love again but I know that is something I want in my future.   

My marriage was a mess-I spent 28 years of my life trying to be happy...28 years.  I finally found it with Scott and got 4 months.   It seems so unfair.  My heart is tired...tired of hurting.

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Sue P 67   
On 5/6/2017 at 10:17 AM, Noris said:
Dear, Sue! I am glad to see you got some emotional support here.
I read your story about the pillow and I understand why and how much you need this pillow. I think the pillow is enough. All things that belonged to my late husband just lost their value and purpose. All those things remind me the time when we got them. Painful! I don't want even to see all those cowboy hats and boots, funny socks and just black socks, a new coffee mug and old kitchen knives. Unfinished cologne bought for Christmas.  I moved out of the bedroom and it took me a month before I even could touch the bed and wash the sheets.                 
Looks like he has great parents with big hearts as they support you so much.
Do you have anybody around who just can give you a hug?
Talking about 4 months or 40 years. I don't think anybody can compare. I was married for 14 yrs once and honestly nothing good to remember, no feelings at all. But once I met somebody when it was a bad weather and we stuck for 3 days at some cold airport. 3 days changed me completely. Just 3 happy days. It was more than 30 yrs ago but I still remember every bright minute of those days. I know how you feel, I know how deep your wound is. The grief of loss is huge! Any time it is huge, over the roof. When your heart is broken - it is broken and it doesn't matter how many years you were happy before. It will take a long time to heal... It will leave a deep scar. Love never dies it will just hide deep into your heart...
Your time was too short but your love is too big. I don't think it can be little or small love.

Noris,

The pillow is all I have and it means so much to me.  Since I can't have Scott...it is the next best thing.  

I'm sorry all of your husbands possessions cause pain for you.  It's a double edged sword isn't it?

His parents, grandparents and siblings have been wonderful.  They understand...they saw our love first hand especially the last month when he was and out of the hospital.  They knew I would have done anything for him and to help him get better (and he did the same for me). 

I do have a great support system...my 12 yr old gives me hugs constantly...he knows I'm hurting.  He is an amazing little boy.

Our time was too short but our love was HUGE.  Thank you so much for your kind words. 

Hugs to you!

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Sue P 67   
On 5/6/2017 at 1:39 PM, KayC said:

Sue,

I'm so glad you got his pillow!  I remember when I could no longer smell George in his pillow, robe, sheets, I cried!  It was a month before I could wash his sheets and I didn't want to even then.

I agree with Noris, your time was short, but your love is big!

Thank you Kay!  His pillow did lose his smell much too quickly but I swear sometimes while I'm sleeping I feel his arm underneath it (he was a huge cuddler and always put his arm under my head to pull me close in his sleep).   I will always cherish that pillow.

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KMB   

Sue P 67, it does my heart good to hear of all the great support you are receiving. We need that so much! To know that we are still loved and cared for by someone.

You will cherish that pillow. It will provide you with so much comfort and the knowledge that Scott still loves you, even if it is from the distance of Heaven. I cherish all our bed pillows. My husband usually went to bed before I was able to. I would always find him sleeping crosswise on the bed. His upper half on my side with his head on top of my pillow and an arm underneath the secondary pillow. It was endearing and I so miss those little things as we all do.

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KMB   

Sue p 67, An acquaintance of mine who lost her husband 3 months before me, emailed me this quote--- *Snoring is the sweetest music in the world. Just ask any widow*. What I wouldn't give to hear my husband's snoring. I would lay in bed at night, listening to my husband snoring, our dog snoring, the cat sleeping in between us and I always had such a complete feeling of being safe, content and loved, surrounded by our little family. The memories are causing me to smile, a little at a time.

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Andy   
2 hours ago, Sue P 67 said:

Andy...it is so terribly heartbreaking for all of us.  I read through these posts and can relate to most.  Its sad that there are SO MANY of us feeling this same kind of pain.  I wouldn't wish this on anyone.  I look at my situation of only having known Scott for 4 months and feeling my loss as great as it is.  I can not even imagine how someone that has 40 years of memories moves on.  It almost makes me afraid of falling in love again but I know that is something I want in my future.   

My marriage was a mess-I spent 28 years of my life trying to be happy...28 years.  I finally found it with Scott and got 4 months.   It seems so unfair.  My heart is tired...tired of hurting.

Unfair it is. Nothing at all fair about these things. Four months for you, to finally find happiness after 28 years of seeking it, to have it abruptly taken from you. A lifetime of suffering for my wife, to only pass away from something not related to her many ailments. I was literally planning the next phase of our life, wanted to help her recapture pieces of herself that had faded away, try to help her get well again. As a husband who's only claim in life was making things "work", taking care of his family first and foremost, putting them first, it's been a staggering blow to my confidence and outlook, to say the least. As you've said, you want to find love and/or happiness again, and I think that is a great understanding of yourself, acknowledging that you still have something to offer. Your son sounds like a great young man, you've done exceptionally well with him, I know you're proud. As bad as those 28 years were, it did forge something in you fairly strong and resilient, you are a survivor and more, you want to "live". I think you've adopted the right outlook, the proper attitude moving forward, and I believe you'll do well. To say I'm not envious would be dishonest, I'm still working on the "living" part, looking for reasons. 

My heart to has grown fatigued, battered from day after day of missing my wife and the strain of facing the next 10-20-30-40 years alone, the anxiety is relentless. I hope though that something will happen, or change, that will put the joy of living back in my life. 

Peace and comfort,

Andy

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