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Loss of Father


because1104

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because1104

Hello-

This is my first post. I lost my father two weeks ago and I am struggling with grief. My father was a kind man who was loved and admired by everyone who knew him. He was on dialysis for ten years which in and of itself was miraculous. He was able to walk me down the aisle and see the birth of his first grandchild, my daughter. She was the light of his life. She will turn three later this month and doesn't fully understand that he is no longer with us. I am thankful that she won't experience the pain that I am currently feeling, but also deeply saddened that she will never really know this incredible man who adored her beyond words. 

My sister married late last year, and he was able to walk her down the aisle as well. I truly believe his will to be at her wedding is what helped him to survive his ailments for so long. 

I saw my father about once a week, but I feel as though I should have called more and made more time to speak to him and make sure he was okay. I was so wrapped up in my own life that I feel as though I took him for granted. I'd give anything to hear his voice and speak to him one last time.

I am expecting my second child later this year and I try to take solace in knowing that he/she will have an amazing guardian angel watching over them. 

The grief seems to come in waves. I'll be fine all day at work and then I'll cry myself to sleep, or weep looking at a picture or thinking of a fond memory. How have some of you dealt with the loss of the parent? Is there any advice or tips on how to cope? 

 

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Dear because1104,

My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your father. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know the pain and sorrow is unbearable. Everything you are saying and feeling is natural and normal and part of the grief journey. We all want more time with our beloved fathers. And wish we could go back and do things differently.

Its been 6.5 months since my father passed and I've tried almost everything to try and cope with his passing. I've tried grief counselling, grief support group, reading different websites like What's Your Grief and the Grief Healing blog. I'm also thinking of journaling and learning meditation. I need something to calm my mind. But as you said it does come in waves, I might go an entire week and think I'm getting better and then it will hit me like a ton of bricks. And then I have to go over what I feel are my mistakes in his care in the last year of his life. It feels like everyone around me has moved on but I am not ready. I keep taking it day by day and hope that I will make it to the first anniversary of his passing.

Thinking of you. I know this is a very difficult time. Sending you hugs.

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I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. It’s so hard. My dad died six weeks ago and some days are decent and some I still feel so sad. What works for one person may not work for another, but I’ll share what helped me. I read a lot of grief books and books about an afterlife. It gives me peace. Resilient Grieving was a good one and Proof of Heaven.  Grief workshops have also been helpful. Local hospices and churches are a good place to find them.

Take good care of yourself, get enough sleep and a little exercise if possible. Make sure you recharge your soul. Make it a priority to do something that you enjoy. Grieving is depleting. You need to recharge. In the beginning, if I did something enjoyable and did not think of my dad every second, I felt guilty, like he would think I forgot him.  Now I know I need the break and it’s what he would want.

Also, I have been reading about the continuing bonds theory of grief. It focuses a lot on developing a new, but continued relationship with your loved one you lost. Not in a delusional way. Instead, you still incorporate them into your life and make them part of it. For example, finding ways to honor them, or doing something in their memory, donate to a cause they cared about, continue to do something you enjoyed together, sit and talk to them (I know they are not physically there, but maybe you can still connect). I hope this does not sound too weird or out there. When someone we love dies, the thought that the relationship is over is so hard. So, I think the point is to have a different but continued bond with your loved one. Anyway, it has brought me some peace to still feel my dad is part of my life.

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