I'm losing my mind

[Bobbers]

My husband died 2 months ago on the fifth. I woke up the other night screaming.  The whole next day I was angrier than I have ever been in my entire life. Everyday is a new fun exciting surprise of emotions I've never felt or learned how to deal with. One time after being awake for 3 days after 2 hours of sleep I look over and didn't see my husband sitting there, so I start calling him and looking for him. I had completely forgot he was dead, I started slowly realizing that he died and felt the most gut wrenching pain I've ever felt. It was paralyzing. It was worse than watching him die. The VA told me they never got my paperwork and sent me some more to fill out. So every moth I'm scrambling to pay bills. I can't make decisions, I don't think things through, I'm a complete mess. If I spend one day getting counseling or group and going to the mail box I'm so exhausted I sleep the entire next day. My aunt told me to my face she is going to make a copy of my key and she was just being nice by telling me. I have no privacy, I told her no and she did it anyway. My phychiatrist told me to change the locks, but if my mom finds out she will call cps on me. She loves that she can control me now.  I'm so lonely I asked my sons best friends dad when he was dropping him off if he wanted to watch a movie and he replied with "don't you think it's a little early for that.  I wasn't even hitting on him and still got turned down. I'm so lost I pretty much moved out of my moms house and I'm with my husband. I lived with him almost longer than her. He is all I know and he is dead. I want to scream at the world what is the fucking point of this ****. I hate this.    I know it's only 2 months in but I do think about being alone forever and it scares me. I don't want to be with someone just to not be alone, but I feel old, have no idea how to meet anyone and I'm a mess and online in a tiny town with litteraly no friends, my friend is gone. I see no good outcome to this. My son is moving out in 5 years, I know I shouldn't think that far ahead, but I can't make my son replace my husband. He needs me, so I can't do anything crazy, so I usually sit in the living room staring at the damn walls. I imagine this being my life. Forever.  Something has to change.  I feel like I'm going crazy 

[bradley1985]

Appearantly what has to change is ourselves.  Supposedly its some kind of silver lining (screw the silver lining IMO, i want my wife back).  Maybe start getting involved with grief work and pray for survival.  That is what I am doing.  I want to die every minute of every single day but I do my homework from the groups and just hope one day I get up with something to look forward too.  The aloneness without her (specifically her) is the worst.

[KMB]

Bobbers, I am sorry things are such a mess for you right now. Grieving puts us through hell. At 2 months, maybe the shock is wearing off and denial is strong. Denial is in our face 24/7. We so much want our loved one to come back to us, but they are unable to do so. Every single little aspect of living has changed, feels overwhelming, just because that one special person is no longer with us. it takes a lot of our own effort, hard work, to keep moving forward. A baby step at a time. We are going to stumble and fall many times, wonder about the seeming pointlessness, but it does get easier. Keep praying, God will show you the way.

You are still in the newness of your loss. We have brain fog and chaotic emotions. It takes awhile for our minds to absorb and process everything. Take your time. There is no time frame for this. Do things when you feel able to. Even if it is something small as paying a bill. Do that and it is enough for the day. Grieving and dealing with life itself is very exhausting. Just pick one thing, one goal for that day. It does get easier over time.

Just curious, why did you allow your Aunt to make a copy of your apartment key? Why would your mom call the cops if you change your locks? This is your life, no one else has the say so to control you and tell you what to do. Personally, I wouldn't allow that for myself. Grieving is hard enough without dealing with controlling people. I can understand a reliable relative, friend or neighbor having a spare key to your home as a safety measure but just to have a key to your privacy for the sake of control or being nosy while you were out is not a good thing.

Keep posting and keep praying. God hears you and is protecting you. (HUGS)

[Francine]

 

10 hours ago, Bobbers said:

 I feel like I'm going crazy 

You're not going crazy - you're going through *grief* and it's rearing its ugly head yet again.  Grief cannot only change you, but it can cause havoc in your world.  How does one bandage a wounded soul?  How do you treat an ache so strong that it tears your insides out.  How do you soothe your broken spirit?  Is there a medicine for grief? Perhaps a pill that in time, will take the pain away.  Is there a way to wrap your arms around the pain?  Can you rock grief to sleep like a baby? - Of course not.

You've lost a large part of yourself (only a short time ago); it's only natural you feel confused.  I'm almost 5 months in and when my Charles died, I felt anger for quite sometimes; didn't want to hear what people had to say; I literally didn't care about anyone and anything.   I stayed in the house thinking I didn't want to live without my Charles and didn't want or see a future for myself.  Talk about 'rock bottom' - not only did I go there - I started to camp out there. 

10 hours ago, Bobbers said:

My aunt told me to my face she is going to make a copy of my key and she was just being nice by telling me. I have no privacy, I told her no and she did it anyway.

 

1 hour ago, KMB said:

This is your life, no one else has the say so to control you and tell you what to do. Personally, I wouldn't allow that for myself.

I think that was pretty brazen of your aunt and would have to agree with KMB; I just hope she is not taking advantage of you in this fragile state.  Sometimes if you allow people to make more withdrawals than deposits in your life, you will be out of balance and in the negative.  Know when to close the account.

I've always been a believer in God and prayer.  I prayed and prayed and prayed some more.  Members of my church family, friends and family and even those on this website prayed for me and God answers prayer.  HE revealed to me that my Charles' spirit was fine and that has comforted me a way that I can't describe.   Don't get me wrong, I miss him like crazy and would do anything for him to still be here.  But I know that this world is not our home - just a passageway of us getting there.  I am grateful to have been allowed 45 years with a man designed just for me; a man who loved me for the rest of his life; a man who appreciated, protected, and honored me.

I don't have the answers to your problems; I can't tell you exactly what to do, but one thing I can tell you - God hears and answer prayer.  Keep the prayers going up and just watch the blessings come down.

Be strong and may God bless and keep you, keep us all, safe.

 

[HHFaith]

I think we've all felt like we're going crazy.  That is normal!!  Awful but normal.  I agree with what KMB said, that maybe the shock is starting to wear off and the reality may be starting to sneak in.  That's what happened (and is still happening) with me.  I just passed the 4 month mark on Monday.  The stabbing pain has subsided a bit, but the intense, ever-present, underlying sadness is noticeably always there and I'm always feeling it.  I guess that's "normal" too.  The grief changes as time goes on.  At 2 months I was definitely still in shock.  I don't even remember the 2 month mark.  Now, each day, I guess I'm accepting his death more and more so the reality is sinking in, little by little.  Hang on and just go with the feelings, as crazy as they may feel.

[KayC]

Bobbers,

I'm so sorry for the situation you're in.  I hate that your family is trying to control you just when you need TLC and you're most vulnerable.  I'd change the locks and never give out the key.  How dare they!  What is CPS going to do?  It's not against the law to keep privacy against intruders.

Have you tried a grief support group?  Forgive me if you've already said so, my memory isn't what it was when I was younger.  

Grief is exhausting, that's why you sleep.  There is nothing wrong with you except you're grieving.