Members JackB Posted May 2, 2017 Members Report Share Posted May 2, 2017 Hello, this is my first post here ( but I have posted on other forums before) . About 18 months ago, I found out my Dad had a rare form of Lukaemia ( 1 case every 4 years). He spent his first week in hospital in ICU. The consultant didn't think he'd survive the first night. But he did,...he was then moved to the cancer ward and has treatment for nearly 6 months ( give or take a week or two). He was given the all clear and was allowed home. A few weeks later, they found that the cancer had hidden at the base of the skull, and they started treatment again. He was given the all clear again, but then we were given the news. The cancer had hidden again, but there was nothing they could do. We spent the last few days of him at home by going on trips to make memories. He was admitted to hospital 4 days before he died. I spent my birthday sitting beside him on his bed. My whole family came up and we all celebrated it in the room. He died 2 days later, on the 27th of April. I remember being told to leave the room and then the nurse coming to me outside. Telling me he passed. I felt numb. That's the best way to describe it. Since then, I feel like life is pointless. I can't cry, even if I want to...my body won't let me. I hide all my emotions, because I don't want to worry other people, or annoy them. I have been to 5 therapy sessions,over the year, and I hated every single minute of it. Every night, I lie awake in bed. It's like there's a war going on in my head...between the thoughts that tell me I'd be better of dead. That my family would be better off without me here. And the one thought that says I have loads to live for. If you were to ask anybody, they would say I'm doing well. I'm not. I'm far from well. I hide it all from everyone. It's only when I go to bed at night I listen to the thoughts...but there always there. I feel alone. I want to lie in bed all day, but I force myself to get up and go to school. I used to be smart. But now I'm not able to do much work without getting frustrated and end up getting bad grades. I don't know what to do. Does anyone have any ideas what I should do next?? I know I need help. But I'm afraid to tell anyone. I don't think I know anyone I trust enough to tell them. I just realised ho much I rambled on there...sorry. Any replies are much appreciated, Jack Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members reader Posted May 3, 2017 Members Report Share Posted May 3, 2017 Dear Jack, My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing your beloved father. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know this is a very difficult time. Its only natural to want to put on a brave face for everyone. I found this link that might help you. https://www.cancer.ie/support/coping-with-cancer/bereavement-support I know its not easy talking to a therapist. And you said you hated very moment of it. I wonder if you would consider finding another therapist to connect with. There are also grief support groups that might be helpful. Consider looking at other resources in the community or through the church. I also found these websites helpful in understanding my grief. They might be worth a try. What's Your Grief, The Grief Healing Blog, The Grief Recovery Method, GriefShare.Org, and Legacy.com. Please know you are not alone. We are all here to listen and support you in anyway we can. Thinking of you and your family during this difficult time. Sending you all my thoughts and prayers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LouisaSara Posted May 3, 2017 Members Report Share Posted May 3, 2017 Dear Jack I am sorry to hear about your dad and how you are feeling . I lost my dad a year ago and I have feelings like yours. The only thing that helps me is to think of what my dad would do and what he would want me to do and that he would want me to be happy. Louisa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Butterfly2017 Posted May 3, 2017 Members Report Share Posted May 3, 2017 Dear Jack, I am so sorry about your loss and the pain your feel. Your family will not want to lose you and go through more heartache, they will want to help you if given the chance.Is there not someone who you could share what you have said in this post so they know? Thinking of you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LouisaSara Posted May 3, 2017 Members Report Share Posted May 3, 2017 That's great advice and very true. My family helped me talking does help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Fad_daddy Posted May 7, 2017 Members Report Share Posted May 7, 2017 Dear Jack Im so sorry for your loss believe me that my daddy lived the same with cancer and stayed at hospital for his Last 5 days I was sure that he Will live because my dad was too strong je figure de cancer for 2 years and hé could fight that but 2 weeks ago he passed away and I turned in depression I don't think if I could handle with that but I'm living i show that I'm strong i see his clothes but i Know that criyng is point l'essentiel believe me i Know all that but i took a decision to make daddy proud of me in sky and mom in earth you re strong Take care Fad_daddy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Fad_daddy Posted May 7, 2017 Members Report Share Posted May 7, 2017 Just now, Fad_daddy said: Dear im sorry for your loss believe me that my daddy lived the same with cancer and stayed at hospital for his Last 5 days I was sure that he Will live because my dad was too strong je figure de cancer for 2 years and hé could fight that but 2 weeks ago he passed away and I turned in depression I don't think if I could handle with that but I'm living i show that I'm strong i see his clothes but i Know that criyng is point l'essentiel believe me i Know all that but i took a decision to make daddy proud of me in sky and mom in earth you re strong Take care Fad_daddy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Alley Posted May 8, 2017 Members Report Share Posted May 8, 2017 Hi Jack, I'm so sorry that you've been going through this for so long. You said that you feel like you don't want to worry or annoy other people, but please know that what you are feeling is a normal response to what you have been through. You've been through a horrible experience. You don't need to worry about being "strong" at a time when you are suffering the most. It sounds like you said that you would like to take some next steps towards getting better. Do you think that you would be a better fit with another counselor? Is there a staff member at school who you ask for advice? Do you have anyone who you think might be able to help, but maybe you're feeling a bit nervous to ask? Hoping for the best for you. Please keep us updated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JackB Posted May 8, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted May 8, 2017 Hello, thanks everyone for replying to me. I apologise for the delayed response, I've beeen busy with family for the lat few days. There is one teacher that I trust in my school. The guidance counsellor. She was the first person I talked to, and she knows when I'm having my good and bad days. I haven't talked to her for months now, I might go back to her in the next few days. Another thing I want to mention is that I don't always feel like not living. Before feeling like this, I was extremely worried about my health. This went on for about 3 months. I was constantly up at my doctor, but she told me I've nothing wrong and it is all stress. Every now and again I get a symptom ( i.e. A headache), and I end up worrying again. The only good thing that this shows me, is that deep inside...I don't want to die. ( Just so you know, I rarely have headaches, and when I do it's usually after not drinking enough water or not sleeping enough). My doc has told me that anytime I want to talk, I can go up to her. So I have that option also. It's honestly only at night I get these thoughts. Thank you for all your replies, you've been great help, I'll keep you updated. Jack Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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