I realized something

[Marcel]

The past few years I had increasing problems with hearing loss. A year ago my doc recommended a hearing aid and said I have the hearing capability of a man 20 years older than me. I had a professional test a few weeks ago and though I don't really need a hearing aid at this point, there is a significant loss of higher frequencies.
A few days ago I discovered the results of a hearing test from october 2012. Back then everything was fine. The years before that I drank a lot, smoked a pack of cigarettes a day and ate only junk food. In 2012 my wife and I moved in our first appartment. I quit drinking, I quit smoking and my wife was a stickler for healthy nutrition. So I think it's quite unlikely the my hearing suffered from sudden old age during the 4 years I lead a healthy lifestyle.
But 2012 was also the year my wife got seriously sick and it got worse until the end. I've been there for her all the time, quit my job last year to stay home full day, but maybe unconsciously I couldn't bear to hear her screams, her suffering and everything connected to it. So I start to think, that my hearing problems are more mental the physical, thus probably reversible.
I'm still in a state where I don't want to take in what happened, so I would guess that it's similiar. My mind refuses to let certain things in, I don't want to "hear" about it.
Unless I really start dealing with the loss of my wife I won't know if I could improve again.
Another thing I realized: After my wife died, I somehow tried to erease all of our past from my memory. If our partnership never happened, her suffering and death wouldn't be real, too.
When I started working again it was in the same department I worked in since 2002. Now I probably get promoted to supervisor of that team. That's the same position I had ten years ago, a year before I met my wife.
It's like a big reset of my life, back to when I was alone, including the smoking and drinking.
Of course I do know the she was real. I remember every little thing, heck, our daughter lives with me, we talk about it all the time. But my mind has build a wall, everything coming through seems like a story or a dream.
I don't know what to make of it. I do believe that my hearing loss is related to what happened. Not sure I believe that my career is more than a freak coincidence.

 

[KMB]

Marcel,  I have read your post 3 different times now and I would like to respond, to give you some solace, but I don't quite know what to say.  There are so many similarities in this grieving, but also the differences, due to circumstances, lifestyle, etc.  I really have no good advice since I'm finding my way through this unwanted way of a life the same as everyone. Life has a way of doing its own thing. We have a bad habit, at certain times, of taking the good for granted. When life kicks our butt to the ground, we cry and curse our loss or some other misfortune. Life doesn't ask us if we want the good, but we take it and it certainly doesn't ask if we want the bad. But, we have to take the bad too.

Our minds are tricky, complex organs. I feel we build up that wall you mention as a protective barrier from feeling any more pain .I've often wondered where does that emotional pain originate, our body or our mind? Or is emotion held in our heart? Emotions are feelings, but where do they come from inside ourselves? Iwe cut ourselves or break a bone, we know where the pain is originating but emotions are unfathomable but clearly make their presence known.

You are dealing with the loss of your beloved wife. You are coping the best way your mind and heart see best. if it feels like a reset of your life as you mention, maybe it is your minds way of coping that way for awhile. We have all suffered a traumatic, life changing event. It is going to take a long time to get to a place where we might find some solid ground and the hope we need to keep going forward.

[Francine]

KMB

Your post is so on point; there's nothing more I can add.

[KayC]

I agree with KMB's answer.  

It may take time for you to figure out the cause of the hearing loss, I don't know if it's psychosomatic or physical, but maybe a hearing expert can help determine the cause.  I am fortunate to know the causes of my hearing losses.

I find myself back where I used to be, living life alone, only it seems more unsettling than when I was there before because now I KNOW what it's like to live my life with my soul mate and share in everything with him so I keenly miss his presence, whereas before I was perhaps more content as I knew nothing else.  I say "alone" because even though I had a 23 marriage prior to meeting George, I was very much "alone" in it.

I wish you the best with your job, and hope you'e able to progress with it.  It helps to have some bearings somewhere.  I'm kind of on the other end of the spectrum, being older, after George died and the recession hit, I kept losing my job until I gave in and just decided to retire and be done with it.  At least at a job there can be some validation, I hope your work environment is a positive one for you.

[bradley1985]

On 5/2/2017 at 2:05 PM, Marcel said:

When I started working again it was in the same department I worked in since 2002. Now I probably get promoted to supervisor of that team. That's the same position I had ten years ago, a year before I met my wife.
It's like a big reset of my life, back to when I was alone, including the smoking and drinking.
Of course I do know the she was real. I remember every little thing, heck, our daughter lives with me, we talk about it all the time. But my mind has build a wall, everything coming through seems like a story or a dream.

This is starting to happen to me.  It is freaking me out.  I cant feel her a lot of the time and it seems like it was all a dream.  I start to wonder if she loved me and if anything was even real.  But i know she did.  I know she loved me more than any other person in the whole world.  But it is feeling like it is from an inttelect point of view and not in my heart.  It was real.  It was real.  I keep telling myself this.  This crap just sucks.  everything about grief sucks.

My counselor says her death made me open up.  Like her dying was needed for me to grow or something.  I just hate every thing about this and am not fond of this world to be honest.  Others say they see me getting better????  Better?  I am the angriest and hateful I have ever been (inside my head that is).  And now I cant feel her as much just to boot. 

[KMB]

bradley1985, I understand your pain and where you are coming from. Wondering if your time with your wife was a dream. The anger, the hatred, the doubting. You are around the mark where reality is smacking you in the face. I'm sorry if you don't like hearing that. It is a part of grieving we cannot avoid. We all must face our reality in order for recovery/healing to happen. I agree with you, grief sucks, sucks big time. It hurts. It is a hurt that we could have never imagined.

In a way, your counselor maybe right. Grieving a loss teaches us many things. We do grow and learn from it. We learn our own inner strength. We learn our vulnerabilities. We learn upon reflection what our loved one taught us while they were here and to truly appreciate all the good qualities and love they left behind. We learn to be humble, more compassionate, sensitive and loving. I'm sure there are many more that everyone can add to the list.

Take care of yourself. We are here for each other.

[KayC]

bradley1985,

I can understand your anger.  Oh boy, I can understand it!  In fact, everything you say, I can relate to, I've felt these things.  Sometimes it feels like we dreamed it all up, I have literally had to go to the files and look at his birth certificate, our marriage certificate, his death certificate, pictures...nope, he really did live, he really was here with me, I didn't dream it all up.

A part of me feels angry that a counselor would say they had to die for us to learn something.  Grrr!  Nothing is as important as his living, surely there could be some other way for me to learn something!  Who friggin' cares about learning if it means their death!  I get what the counselor is saying, but that doesn't mean I like it.

But KMB is right, I look at the lessons I've learned not as the main point in his death, but as a silver lining in spite of it.

[bradley1985]

17 hours ago, KMB said:

The anger, the hatred, the doubting. You are around the mark where reality is smacking you in the face

 

4 hours ago, KayC said:

Grrr!  Nothing is as important as his living, surely there could be some other way for me to learn something

KMB and KayC:  Thank you both.  I can relate to both of you.  Reality is setting in that I actually have to do some stuff and have an emotional bantering of back and forth with family and friends and the general world no matter whether I care about the conversation/acitivity or not.  Its like having to go jogging after the bottom of your feet have been burned with hot coals.  I am starting to understand you have to engage the world no matter how much it sucks.  But if god called me right now I am still game.  Or if there was a insta-gotoheaven button on my computer I would push it.  I have not talked to anyone today about anything so the anger has subsided.  (terrible, right?)

I can become a person and keep going but I am living an unwanted life for now.  While having a family (immediate family) was my primary goal I have to alter that for the time being and try to take care of myself as BEST I CAN.  

[Marcel]

I've been to a friends birthday party last weekend and everybody was asking, how I was doing. What should I say, nobody really wants to hear about, it neither would they understand. Even my parents wouldn't get it. They've been married for 50+ years and they're still together.
At the party there were a few musicians playing and my friend and I played a short gig too.
When one girl who played there asked if she should play a certain song of hers as an encore I said yes, because it was my one of my favorites. The I noticed how a lot of the words pushed triggers and I felt tears coming up. I was able to distract myself but I noticed a lot times how things I've always liked suddenly have a different meaning to me. There are so many songs about parting ways and even though it's mostly about a failed relationship, I hear it differently now. The focus is on the loss, not the circumstances. Maybe I am a fruitcake by now
Yesterday I had another dream about my wife. She lost way too much weight and looked frail but she was vital and I was so happy to have her back and hold her in my arms again, waking up was a nightmare.

[KMB]

Marcel, You are by far not a fruitcake! We feel like one though. We miss our spouses, we want our life with them to return. They graduated to Heaven before us. We have to grit our teeth, keep putting one foot in front of the other, do whatever is still expected us of to finish out our life, before we graduate and can be reunited .It is a tough road, but we can do this. We have been surviving so far and as long as we do one day at a time, that is all that we should expect of ourselves.

You managed a friends birthday party last weekend. The songs were a trigger, but you got through it. Be proud of yourself!

[bradley1985]

18 hours ago, Marcel said:

Yesterday I had another dream about my wife. She lost way too much weight and looked frail but she was vital and I was so happy to have her back and hold her in my arms again, waking up was a nightmare.

I had one of these about a week ago.  She was frail and had black spots all over her face but I was so happy she was back with me and woke up in a nightmare.  I hugged and loved her and then woke up.  

[KayC]

If you're a fruitcake, we all surely are then!