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Loss of Mother/Guilt


Mchy64

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I just lost my mom 1.5 weeks ago. She lived with me and been suffering from heart issues.  She got really bad about 6 months ago and has been talking about dying and how her body was done.  A couple of weeks ago, she thought she had diarrhea.  I came home from work and she was still sick.  I called the doctor, etc. but we thought it was the flu.  She kept getting worse, do I called 911.  In the hospital, they discovered she was internally bleeding. She was on blood thinners so she lost a lot of blood. She was in ICU for 2 weeks and never recovered. I keep thinking what if I got her there sooner, etc. Most everyone says how would I have known. I'm not a doctor, I did the best I could with what I knew.  It's very hard to get past that.   Just her not being there is very hard to deal with. Any advice or similar experiences?

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I am very sorry for the loss of your mom. It is hard to get past the ‘what if’s”. My dad died about six weeks ago. He too had heart problems, but developed a sudden illness as well. When he was in the hospital, he was saying he was done. His body was tired. I am a nurse and I have seen countless times, many patients know when their body is done.  

You could not have foreseen your mom’s internal bleeding. You were trying to do what was in her best interest. You did the best you could with a motivation of love. You can’t go wrong with that. No one can be expected to foresee the future. You also have no way of knowing what would have happened if you got her there sooner. It could have been even worse. Although you might think that since she died nothing could be worse, it can. I have seen so much suffering and pain for months without any recovery. There are things worse than death.

I think wondering and thinking “what if” is part of grief sometimes.  I did at first too. Now that I am a little further along than you, I have worked through that. I will say a prayer that you do too.

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My mom passed away two months ago. It is so so hard. From what I have read and learned about grief, the "what-ifs" are a large part of the grieving process. I definitely had a ton of "what-ifs" immediately after her passing, and at times they still come up and consume me. But I think it's important to acknowledge them, and then let them pass...

Thanks @missdad - I agree, I think people just know when  their body is done. and My mom knew... even though I refused to listen to her. She kept saying, I don't think I'm going to get better... I think they just know, as hard as it is to hear.

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Thanks fletch14.  It helps to hear about everyone else's experiences and to know that what I'm going through is part of the process. It still isn't easy, but it's comforting to know that I'm not alone. 

As I think back to before she passed, I agree that she knew that she was going to die soon.  She kept saying how bad she was feeling.   I didn't realize until now, that she wasn't kidding about that but I didn't want to hear it.   But she knew.

 

 

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Butterfly2017

My guilt is that my Mom didn't know. She was expecting to get better, we were too. I keep looking back at her texts, recounting our conversations during visiting hours. Replaying when she got taken to ICU and her saying 'well that doesn't look good for me does it'. Last full sentence she said. Ugh I wish someone could tell us that they just felt like they were sleeping and comfortable.

Hugs to all x

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I was wondering the same thing.  She was never woke up.  They tried everything and after almost 2 weeks we had to make s decision. I kept asking if she voujd feel anything or was aware of us talking to her. They couldn't say but they said she was comfortable.  It was a traumatic experience when they took her off the ventilator.  I'll never forget that seeing her die.  They said she was comfortable and she passed quickly.  She briefly opened her eyes for a second but they said that was just a reflex.  Who knows.  

Today I broke down, I ate the last meal she will ever cook. She liked to make extras and freeze them. I've been crying ever since. Made things so final. 

I guess there will be more days like this. 

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Butterfly2017

Hugs Mcyh64. That must have been so hard eating that meal but a good way to honor her as she cooked it for you with love.

I am lieing here listening to the birds and waiting for the sun to come up. I never know what's worse the nights because of the dreams or the days because of the memories.

Hang in there.

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Thanks Butterfly2017.  Not sure which is worse.  I think it's equal.  Each part of the day and night has their own unique challenges, whether it's physical memories and physical triggers, or dreams at night.   You hang in there, also.

At least we know we aren't alone going through this.  

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I agree... the process of seeing them on a ventilator is just awful. Like they are there, but not there.. and you are talking to them, but can they hear you? Ugh... And seeing your parent taking their last breath - it is just unbearable. The pain still consumes me at times.

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Butterfly2017

I was glad I was there at the end holding her hand but it breaks my heart also..

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My mom died last Sunday. Her husband had asked me if I would like to come and see her after her last breath, but I could not answer. In the end I didn't go, and reading these responses I'm glad I didn't. I'm at peace with that. I saw her a week before she passed, and she got to see me and my brother, sitting side by side, smiling at her, and I think that she was very pleased, through the morphine fog. My brother went, and her husband was already there of course, and they say the image is etched in their minds. I imagine those who've seen this manage to make sense of it eventually. I'm glad I spared myself that. She was already gone for me the moment we could no longer have conversations.  She loved to cook and make preserves, and hoo boy I don't know when I'll be able to open those jars. She made a wonderful binder of her favorite recipes for my older son, which he cherishes, and I kept photocopies of those. My youngest son plans dinner on Tuesday and I proposed we make her recipes together to honor her. I wish I could tell her that.

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