Jump to content
Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
  • Announcements

    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
crownholder2

Lost my husband of 41 years.

Recommended Posts

I lost my husband after 41 years.They told me he was terminal and I couldn't accept it cause he was ,as always,sheltering me from his pain.He had COPD.He was 60 and I am 59.I had a forcefield of peace around me at first,from the Lord,forcefield is the best way to describe it.nothing got through it.We had 2 sons.One we lost when he was 23 and I thank God!that the love for them was different.I couldn't have got through what I went through with the loss of my son.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
reader   

Dear crownholder2,

I'm so sorry for your loss. There are no words during such a difficult time. Its very hard. Sending you love and hugs.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KMB   

crownholder2,  I noticed from your angel date that you lost your husband a few days after I lost mine. I am deeply sorry. I am sorry for the loss of your son also. I cannot imagine losing a child. A child is a piece of you, a gift created by the love of you and your husband. I hope it gives you some comfort that they are together in Heaven. God is watching over them now. You have a strong faith, that faith will see you through this journey of grieving. Everyone's journey is unique and I still have moments when I wish so much for my husband to walk in the door. Absorbing their physical absence, the many other losses and changes, has not been easy. It is a day to day journey.

I'm glad you found this forum. We are like a family here where it is safe to express ourselves Take care of yourself and post when you need to.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Francine   
3 hours ago, crownholder2 said:

I lost my husband after 41 years.They told me he was terminal and I couldn't accept it cause he was ,as ,always,sheltering me from his pain.He had COPD.He was 60 and I am 59.I had a forcefield of peace around me at first,from the Lord,forcefield is the best way to describe it.nothing got through it.We had 2 sons.One we lost when he was 23 and I thank God!that the love for them was different.I couldn't have got through what I went through with the loss of my son.

I am so sorry for your loss and can only imagine what you must be going through.  As hard as it must be, I'm am glad you know where your blessings come from.  Like the perfect father that God is, HE wants the best for us, even at our most difficult time - in all our pain and sorrow, we don't see it.  We might not have everything we want, but we have all we need;  we may wake up to some aches and pains, but we wake up; our lives might not be perfect, but we are blessed.  I get it, you've been through a lot, and lost much along the way, your husband, confidence, peace of mind, trust and perhaps your faith even faltered.   But you know God is good and while we sometimes look at the negative through positive lenses, we know that God is about to replace all that we've lost with better.  We just need to believe and have faith.  KMB is spot on in her post; and couldn't have said it any better.  She along with others on this website are so uplifting and encouraging.  When I first visited this website, she and others were my *God-sent* angels.   Thanks KMB

I hope you continue to post.  We're all here at this time and place for a reason - to uplift each other up - definitely - but more than that - to learn from each other.  Those *God-sent* angels are here to help us do just that.  God bless and keep you, keep us all, safe.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hello.Last night I couldn't sign up but figured it out today.I hope I am responding in the right place.I was reading lonely spouse post and all of your kind replies to her.I was so full of rage yesterday I stayed in bed!When I got up about 9pm,I searched support groups.Not knowing what is out here in cyberspace.But the Lord lead me here.I know cause I am computer illiterate and I found it twice.

Anyway I am not an angry person .I didn't answer my phone cause I didn't want to blast anyone I love.And I don't get mad at God cause we all live this life in the "you reap what you sow"manner.My Larry had weak lungs and we both smoked all our life.I so wanted to go with him.I wish I was a cryer.Less than 6 months after he died I had emer.open heart surgery.During that week in the hospital I never felt so alone.So 3 days after the surg.the doc came in to remove chest tubes and I was in the middle if a grief attack.First one.I needed Lar so bad right then and I felt Jesus was ...not gone,but incommunicado so to speak.I was crying hysterically,an hour away from any family,and they told me I had to calm down to remove tubes.I told them I couldn't and I didn't care what they did.Just tell me what to do to go home.Later the nurse who was mean told me she didn't know I was a recent widow and I told her"why would you?"She apologized to me.I also have a panic disorder and during my grief attack sooo many people came in to see the "crazy woman".

its a little over 8 months and now I am feeling again.I don't cry .I just miss him.I am never alone.I have the Holy Spirit in me.Never alone.But oh,sometimes it feels like it.

He got to die at home in my arms.He suffered dreadfully for about 10 hours.Morphine and atavan.But he did have moments of clarity.I talked to him and at one point his arms stopped moving and he actually patted my leg.My son and 2 of his sisters were here.

Right now,I have nothing but an empty life ahead.I don't know Gods' plan for me.I only know Larry won't be by my side.I have had a few people tell me not to go home and hide in my apt.They say I have too much to offer.God has blessed me with the gift of mercy.But what do I do with it when I can scarcely leave my apt?I made it to church Easter.I know God has told me I now need a church family and I am trying.I usually have a 5 min. window when I decide to go somewhere and I get dressed and go.Any longer and the panic comes and my feet won't get out the door.

As I was reading the replies to lonely spouse my heart went out to her so bad.And all your replies to her were so kind and loving.Someone said people who haven't lost a spouse to death have no right giving advice.They truly have nothing to draw any wisdom from.Come to think of it,I have no wisdom either.But I know the One who does.

Thank you KMB,reader and Francine,for answering me and for all of you being real people.After 6 months my in-laws(my only family,except my son and his sons(3) started telling me I had to be strong and get better.Why?Why did I even go to emergency room?the hospital was the MOST uncaring place I have ever been and I won't ever go back.I could have been with Larry that day if family hadn't made me go to ER.I know it wasn't Jesus plan to take me or I would be gone.I have all my 38 yrs of faithful God in my heart and He has made me seem so strong.I just feel weak.Good-bye for now

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Andy   

Crownholder2, my heart goes out to you, I'm so terribly sorry for this pain you've been enduring. I admire and respect your faith, even in the face of such sorrow, you've remained true to your beliefs. I will say though, that in those moments of anger and doubt, you have have no reason to feel guilty about it, God, more than anyone understands this. We're forgiven long before we speak. 

I believe that being "strong" is great, IF you're up to it. Being "strong" for many people implies that regardless of what's happened, we mustn't show weakness, we must always face hardship with an iron will, never bending. Rubbish. Being "strong" is really too much to ask of the bereaved. At least for prolonged periods of time. Be weak. It's ok. Cry, yell, scream, sit quietly, write your thoughts, punch a pillow (no walls), lay down and stare at the ceiling. This is your journey, only you know how you feel. Only you know what you need, and you may not know that half the time, it's okay. It's all okay. I'm at four months, my grief is no less. The frequency in which I break down might have diminished, the constant  anxiety may have eased off, but my sadness and the loneliness, the bitter sweet memories of my sweet wife, none of that has faded. If anything, some aspects are worse. What I find now is that people may be expecting me to "be much better" now, especially since I don't cry every 10 minutes. They don't say this, but I can see, in the way they talk to me or act around me, they think it. I understand your world, not personally of course, not intimately or the details, but the pain, the grief, the sudden upheaval of the world you once lived in, yes, I understand all too well. It's a terrible, cold pace to be. Please post here as often as you'd like, the people here are so generous and compassionate, sharing and listening with learned hearts and dreary wisdom. Wisdom only the broken-hearted know, those living with this loss. 

Please take care, may you find peace and comfort,

Andy

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Francine   
4 hours ago, crownholder2 said:

now I am feeling again.I don't cry .I just miss him.I am never alone.I have the Holy Spirit in me.Never alone.But oh,sometimes it feels like it.

I know the feeling.   I have tsunami's moments quite often; and that's OK because God literally, truly brings me through them. They just come out of nowhere with a vengeance and I can't seem to control them.  I pray and pray some more, and just as they come, they leave and I know - it's God comforting me.  When I hit rock bottom, HE's the rock at the bottom that lifts me back up.  You are so right - we are never alone; The Holy Spirit is always with us; as our Comforter; Counselor; Helper; Advocate; Mediator; our Strengthener.

4 hours ago, crownholder2 said:

Right now,I have nothing but an empty life ahead.I don't know Gods' plan for me.

You're correct we don't know what God as planned for our lives. But what I do know is that God's way is better than our way; HIS plan is bigger than our plan; HIS dream for our lives is more rewarding, more fulfilling, better than we've ever dreamed of.   As much as we want to think we know how our lives will be, it has a way of surprising us with unexpected things that will make us happier than our original plan.  That's what is called *GOD'S WILL*.   I know that the human body is just a shell.  God who is within this human, whose name is Jesus, is the way, the truth, and the life.  Stay open and strong, and let God do it HIS way.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC   

Crownholder,

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and your son.  Panic is common in grieving.  It's good to find a balance and not push yourself too hard, yet not let the panic rule totally either, it's hard to find that balance though, but we all have to find what works best for us.  My heart goes out to you, you've been through so much.  I will pray you find just the right church family to be there for you.  I wish you lived here, we'd take you under our wings.

You have found a good place to come to here, there are some wonderful caring people here and I see you've already found some of them.

God be close to you in the days ahead.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hello .I need to talk. Today was check day. I always called it stress day(or week)and med. day and the bank,and the stores.It took me til 2 to get out the door(dratted panic disorder!) ,I made it to the bank and one store.I had to have my son drive to pharmacy for meds  and I was just beside myself for even having to ask him.I have about 700 in my town.Bank in another town,store with bank(same town) and pharmacy about 15 miles away in another state for crying out loud! All these years I had Larry to drive me all over.Then he got really sick (about 2 yrs) and I had to do these things alone. Hence,stress week.But he always talked me through it.Today was so bad!And I didn't have him to talk to.And nobody else either.I told Larry I would make him proud of me and not to worry,nobody would take advantage of me.People think they can cause I am soft spoken and kind but I am not blind or weak.Larry took care of me and I let him ,I thought that was why God put us together.And believe it or not ,people have tried to take advantage of me,but no go.I can be very vocal when it suits me.I just do it quietly.

I have been doing things myself before and after the surgery but today I just flaked out.My son,Steven,said "Mama,it's not that bad. You do it every month for forty years."I told him it was very bad and a battle every month and together me and his dad had got through it.I was out of meds so he went after work and drove through heavy rain to get them for me.I felt like I was letting my son see just how weak I am inside.I do put up a front.I have to .so I hide it and stay away from most everybody..But they think I am faking it!!!!???  I can do all the things I have to do.God has chosen not to take my panic disorder away but is always with me when I have to go out.And when I get home,the Lord always says"See,I was there.You made it.No hysterics.Trust me".Which is why I can do what I have to,like get groceries(I don't look at people so I don't know who is looking at me.Or go to my 2 drs.But He also has me doing errands for people and driving less fortunate people to their drs.They say if I can do those things I can do all I need to do and I am just too lazy to try to help myself.The Lord shores me up for His errands.I could not do it in my own strength.And I can only do it for others cause it doesn't matter when it comes to me.I feel so selfish and I guess I don't think I am a good enough person to deserve much kindness. Inside I am broken and dark,and have always been.Since childhood.Then at 16 I met Larry.His compassion,when we got close enough for him to know the real me was totally foreign to me.But God gave him to me for the long haul and God showed me through Larry and his family that families don't all treat children the way I grew up.I didn't know .His family took me in as their own and taught me how to treat children.They stand by me now.But they judge me too.Lovingly,"it's not her fault,she's just funny-turned.Well my childhood was over when Larry and I married.But since he died all the old coping mechanisms have come out again.Show no feelings.People use them to hurt you.Say nothing to anyone or there will be pain.I got through the abuse with these 3 words."I don't care".And eventually I didn't.The coping strategies are all back and I don't want to live like that ever again.I pray it just won't be possible to "not care" now that the Love of God is in me.But I am scared.It came back the day after Larry died.I've only cried once,at the hospital.I know I am trying to protect myself from the pain ,but I want to feel.Even if it is bad,Jesus will get me through.Am I losing my trust in Him?How would I live with out Jesus or Larry.I don't know what else to say.I need somebody who is sane to help me.I don't know what I need.This all sounds like excuses to me,but I haven't been able to talk or write any of this out til now.I was on a Christian message board but the Lord would literally blank out my thoughts when I wouls sit down to share.I didn't know if He would let me post here but He has and I am grateful.I don't want to make anyone else feel any worse than they already do.so here I am,flawed and broken.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KMB   

crownholder2, i am sorry for how distressed you feel. Talk away---this is what the forum is for. We all need this outlet for expressing what we are feeling and going through. God sees your need in expressing your stress and your pain in this safe place. God knows that we are a family here with the common ground of grieving for a loved one that He took home.

Getting away from home, taking care of errands is not easy. There are so many things that are triggers for the panic attacks and the crying meltdowns. It does get easier over time and we do have God at our side. I've gotten better at getting away and taking care of things. I was used to doing errands by myself, but before, I was doing them for my husband, for us. Now, it is for me and our pets. I still have an issue with coming home to an empty house. I still get teary eyed when I pull into the driveway and I don't see my husband outside doing something and he's not here in the house either. I still walk through the house crying, I'm home dear, and there is no answer.

Thank God you are blessed to have a loving son who is willing to help you when you need him. And it is also a blessing that Larry's family is still there for you as well.  We need all the love and support we can get. Some of us are not so fortunate to keep the family ties when our spouse passed.

You are a good person. We are God's children and He loves each and every one of us. We have value and self worth, even though during this tragedy of grieving, we don't feel like it. Our minds are a chaotic mess and we don't think like we normally do. It does balance out and things do get easier. It takes time.

Keep writing when you need to. We are here to listen. Sending prayers of courage, strength, and comfort. (HUGS)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC   

Crownholder,

I'm sorry you felt so much stress, but you got through this for another month and I hope it gets easier for you with time.  I'm glad you found your way here. :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hello again.I am back with a new dilemma. I had open heart surgery in Feb.I am stuffing my feelings.I don't know how to not stuff them. When I go to bed at night I feel my heart doing weird things.I am not afraid.But I am actually hoping my heart won't hold out.I want to be with Jesus but there is Steven to consider.I haven't told people about my heart cause they will say the "hospital "word.I was traumatized there .After losing the mainstay of my life on earth.I wonder if the Lord is going to have mercy on me and take me home anyway.If I keep my faith in Him and do what He tells me.I'm thinking my heart is not physically healthy yet and the stress is what caused the heart attack that found the blockages that caused the surgery. If I tell no one and just let nature take its course my pain will be over and I will be in Heaven.I see a long road of nothing in front of me.I see a long road of unrevealed pain.I see no reason to be here.My son is 40.He expects to lose me eventually.And he just became a child of God a couple of years ago.He has 3 sons to keep his sanity.He can't understand how alone I am without his dad.I haven't trusted ,maybe,three people in my life and 2 of them are gone.My son is moving on,he was more prepared for Larry's death.He wasn't in denial.He started grieving in Feb when the terminal diagnosis came.I started grieving after my surgery.Then I stuffed it.I have cried 3 times.Once bad and twice just a few tears.Tears are anathema to me.A sign of weakness that opens me up to more pain. Larry always said I was the good one in our marriage,but it was him.I have lost half of me and it was the good half.The one who always knew what to do and what to say to me to bring me out of these depressions.I don't know how to do it.I can't remember his voice or the words he used .I can't bear the thought that I may never be touched again.I will never feel him hold me ,kiss me, .I hate being touched,but never by him.I wasn't even able to show physical love to my sons.But luckily,Larrys family was very demonstrative.They hugged all the time and I was able to vocalize how much I loved my boys.And I was a fierce protector of them.Nobody messed with them without my very angry input.They were the only ones I got angry at other people over.People think I am a very nice person.Cause I try to never judge and am non-threatening.But inside I am broken and God has chosen not to fix me all the way.I am over my childhood.in the past. No connection to my decisions in my life anymore.Until Larry died and now,my defenses are back.I can't bear for anything else to come back.I want to just have the heart attack and go home.There is nothing for me here.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Francine   

crownholder2  -- 

I'm so sorry to hear the pain you are experiencing and I'm praying for you.  You have been through so much with just the loss of your Larry, but to have gone through open heart surgery - I just can't imagine.  If you are experiencing your heart doing *weird* things, I urge you to see out a doctor immediately. If you have not done so, make your sons aware of your surgery; you need to be around family, if not friends. 

I do admire your faith, and trust in the Lord; but God as given you this precious priceless life because HE knows that you're strong enough to live it.  When you have fulfilled God's task for you on this earth, only then will HE take you home.  Sometimes we wonder how people survive unthinkable situations or how some doctors are astonished that people, who according to their calculations, should not be alive, but they are.  It's not luck, a fluke or karma, It's what we call God's Will.  Often times God stirs us out of comfortable situations in order to stretch us and cause us to use our faith.  We may not like it, and it may not always be comfortable, but God loves us too much to just leave us the way we are.

2 hours ago, crownholder2 said:

I see a long road of nothing in front of me.I see a long road of unrevealed pain.I see no reason to be here.My son is 40.He expects to lose me eventually.And he just became a child of God a couple of years ago.He has 3 sons to keep his sanity.He can't understand how alone I am without his dad.  My son is moving on,he was more prepared for Larry's death.He wasn't in denial. I have cried 3 times.Once bad and twice just a few tears.Tears are anathema to me.A sign of weakness that opens me up to more pain.

Life is a journey that must be traveled no matter how bad the roads and accommodations are; but know that difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations.  You can't always see where the road will lead you but God promise's something better up ahead  - we just have to trust him. The pain that you've been feeling won't compare to the joy God has in stored for you. Sometimes the people around you won't understand your journey; they don't need to; it's not for them.   Pain means you're growing; fear means you're risking; tears mean it matters; take what hurts you and let it help you.   No matter how many times you feel you've been knocked down, keep getting back up.  God sees your resolve; HE sees your determination.  And when you've done all you can do, that's when God will step in and do what you can't do.

My prayer is that God remove your pain one day...but more than that.  I pray that HE enlighten what's dark in you; strengthen what's weak in you; mend what's broken in you; bind what's bruised in you; heal what's sick in you and lastly, revive whatever peace and love that has gone from you.

Stay Strong and Be Blessed!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KMB   

crownholder2, Francine imparted beautiful, meaningful words to you. I tried to quote one of your sentences but it didn't want to work---*-But inside I am broken and God has chosen not to fix me all the way*. Yes, you feel broken, but God IS fixing you. You are grieving the tragic loss of Larry and you are recovering from an extensive surgery. That is a lot for the body and mind to cope with .It will take time and patience for all the recovering and healing. God gave you this journey because He knows your inner strength. Tears are NOT a sign of weakness. Tears release our pain and with every tear shed, we get stronger. It is not good to stuff your pain deep inside. It will come exploding out when you least expect it. If you allow God to see your tears and feel your pain, He will step in and help you.   Sending prayers of peace and comfort.   (HUGS)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Good evening Francine and KMB.Francine ,those were very loving and kind words.I am afraid I was in the middle of a giant pity party when I wrote this and I was so afraid people were going to call me on it.

5 hours ago, Francine said:

I pray that HE enlighten what's dark in you; strengthen what's weak in you; mend what's broken in you; bind what's bruised in you; heal what's sick in you and lastly, revive whatever peace and love that has gone from you.

Francine I pray God hears your prayer cause I seem to be deaf to Him right now and don't even know if He is hearing mine.I know by faith,He is but It's not getting thru to my heart.But I won't let go of my faith.I have nothing without that.My son knows about the surgery.He wrote on FB the day after Larrys' funeral that his mama was the strongest woman he ever met.That was before the heart thing and he was by my side through almost all of it.He took off work for the surgery and the next day.I called him over today to do my bills but I hadn't the energy.I had been in bed most of the day and when he left at 5:30 I went back to bed til 9:30 or so.I got up ,got coffee and came here.Is that normal? To come here I mean,alot?

I do know I am very strong.I guess I feel shame for the tears,not weakness.Neither is right.Tears are healthy.I must start to heal or die.I can't just be here.I can't not have a plan.I know Jesus has His plans but I feel like the people through all the ages when I say"How long God,How Long?".KMB,how are you faring?I know it is not smart to compare but you lost your husband 4 days before me so we are at the same place in our journey.That is not to say we are at  the same PLACE,but in the time frame.Perhaps I feel so alone cause of my panic disorder.I go nowhere.I have to leave my house twice this week.To pay rent at the office and to go to pain clinic.I also suffer chronic pain.I have to go once a month because of the epidemic of opiate abuse.The government has really stepped up the restrictions on pain meds and rightfully so.So many teen-agers are dying from overdoses because they don't know how powerful they can be.Off subject.

I know God knows me inside and out and I know He has given me strength for the journey and I know I have much strength.I tend to forget that as that is a good thing about me and I tend to dismiss good things about me.

5 hours ago, Francine said:

Pain means you're growing; fear means you're risking; tears mean it matters; take what hurts you and let it help you.   No matter how many times you feel you've been knocked down, keep getting back up.

I have always got back up ,by the Grace of God.Actually,we have no choice but to get back up.I tried suicide too many times to count throughout my life and after my vow to God that is no longer an option.I am seeking help by coming here.It is allowing me NOT to stuff my feelings.And every time I think I can't take anymore the Lord sends me His angels ,like both of you,here tonight  have bolstered up my faith and strength.I know I didn't find this forum by chance.I know the Lord knew the exact day I would find it and He is allowing me to get the poison out of me that is called hopelessness.Thank you both so much!I have suffered hopelessness so much in my life it sometimes feels like the norm.But now I am remembering the joy of my salvation and the wonder that God would love somebody like me.That He gave me such a wonderful man to spend my life with and now I have only to please Him and I have always wanted that,more than anything.Because of your answers I feel as though Jesus reached down,through y'all and hugged me.I praise the Lord for both of you,for whoever runs this board and all the hurting people here.I have read others posts of their pain and loss and somehow I want to alleviate some of their pain.I have been so lifted up ,right now,I can feel the love.I want to do that for somebody else.I guess that might be the reason this board works.I also guess you can tell I am an analytical person,lol.

Thank you both again and I pray we will become friends,for life.Love,YSIC,Ruthanne

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
HHFaith   

My new mantra these days is "Faith over Fear". I have a lot of fear about my unknown future but my faith must be bigger than my fear. Just wanted to share that with all if you. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Francine   
8 hours ago, crownholder2 said:

I went back to bed til 9:30 or so.I got up ,got coffee and came here.Is that normal? To come here I mean,alot?

I do the same; only I'm on this forum about 6:00 AM and I'm drinking my coffee while I'm answering posts. :D It's an outlet for me and if I can bring a little peace to someone's situation, than I'm good.    HHFaith says it all in her post.

16 minutes ago, HHFaith said:

I have a lot of fear about my unknown future but my faith must be bigger than my fear

As much as we hurt now, God is still blessing us.  Isn't it wonderful how God knows what we need and puts certain people into our lives at the perfect time for the most beautiful reasons.  And it's not necessarily the people want; HE gives us the people we need, to help us, comfort us, guide us and make us the person we are meant to be.  I'm so glad God has allowed our paths to cross and that HE is using me to help others.   Continue to post; I love your comment wanting to alleviate someone else's pain - I think that's also a part of healing ourselves.  God Bless and keep strong.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC   

Ruthanne/Crownholder,

A while back there was someone with the name Nobody1 who posted about passive suicide.  I was so struck by it, that I used that as my topic in my next two Grief Support Group meetings.  It was a good topic...many of us who have experienced the loss of our spouse can relate to some extent...the not wanting to go on, wanting to join them, and not feeling like doing all we can do to live or help ourselves in an effort to hasten the process or escape from what we have before us to go through.

But is this really what God wants for us?  I believe He wants to us have full lives, yes even after losing our spouse.  It's a hard process, and I get we don't want to face it, but He wants to be our help in this.  Each day we live is a gift to us, even if we don't feel it, don't recognize it, don't find anything of value to live for.  It's up to us to search for it.  It may take some time for the "want to" to sink in.  But please don't give up hope! 

You've already survived so much!  To survive your own crisis and heart surgery, to survive loss of your spouse, to give up now?  No, please keep going and find what it is that He has for you, what is left for you.

Many of us have discovered that our purpose often lies in helping others in some way, volunteering with a cause dear to our hearts, cheering the downtrodden, learning what there is for us to learn, beholding beauty in another day, whether stormy or sunshining.  I'm glad we all have each other because each of us face the down times in life and we need each other to lift us up, and we need to encourage each other in what we are facing.

As Francine has exhorted you, I hope you will go to the doctor and get this checked out and not wait.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC   
3 hours ago, HHFaith said:

My new mantra these days is "Faith over Fear". I have a lot of fear about my unknown future but my faith must be bigger than my fear. Just wanted to share that with all if you. 

I like that!  I choose to remember that, FAITH OVER FEAR.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Francine   

KayC

6 hours ago, KayC said:

I believe He wants to us have full lives, yes even after losing our spouse.  It's a hard process, and I get we don't want to face it, but He wants to be our help in this.  Each day we live is a gift to us, even if we don't feel it, don't recognize it, don't find anything of value to live for.  It's up to us to search for it.  It may take some time for the "want to" to sink in.  But please don't give up hope!

Many of us have discovered that our purpose often lies in helping others in some way, volunteering with a cause dear to our hearts, cheering the downtrodden, learning what there is for us to learn, beholding beauty in another day, whether stormy or sunshining.  I'm glad we all have each other because each of us face the down times in life and we need each other to lift us up, and we need to encourage each other in what we are facing.

Ditto that - you are so spot one.  I agree, God wants us to live this priceless life given by HIM to its fullest.  Life is hard; we will fail, and we will fall and we will be hurt but remember, what hurts us today will make us stronger tomorrow.  The only thing we have to know is to rise and believe God is there when we fall. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC   
14 hours ago, Francine said:

The only thing we have to know is to rise and believe God is there when we fall. 

Amen! And you're right, it's not IF we fall, it's WHEN...because we aren't perfect and this journey can be a challenging one.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi.Yesterday my sister-in-law called and asked about me.I told her I didn't feel good .She asked what was wrong.I told her not physically bad but in my head.She tried to encourage me to talk but I had to tell her there are no words in my head or heart with missing him so much.I truly have no words to say.I can't put it into words and that is distressing me very badly.I have always been a talker and am never short on words,,But I can't name the feelings I am having ,having never felt them so badly.I lost my son and I thought that would be the worst thing that could ever happen to me.WRONG!!!My son was a piece of the love me and Larry had and God put him into our lives.He was a great joy.But with Larry,I am only half alive and that half hurts too much to put into words that make sense.

So here I sit,once again with no more words.Totally blank.Love Ruthanne

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Eagle-96   

It's ok to not have the words. There is nothing wrong with that at all. We were all plunged into a strange existence that defies words oftentimes. Sometimes I am with family or friends and they are doing their best to cheer me up and I simply want to be left alone. I just don't want to talk about Lori or what I am feeling. Other times I can't wait to be asked about my grief. It can change from day to day and sometimes minute to minute. There does not seem to be a definable pattern for me. It's strange because when Lori was here emotions would be less fluid and not tend to change so suddenly. I could measure it in how I felt on a particular day. Now the emotions can change from minute to minute and be several all at the same time. My emotions have gone from a dripping faucet to a fire-hose on full blast. It's like I've been dropped off on another planet that just seems like Earth and everyone I know is a facsimile of the people I really know.

 

As has been said on here a million times, family and friends think they are doing and saying the right things(trying to encourage you to talk). They just fail sometimes from a lack of understanding your grief(they haven't lost a spouse so they don't know). It's ok to pull back the curtain on your grief and let people in to know that sometimes you just don't have the words to convey your grief. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Francine   
2 hours ago, crownholder2 said:

But I can't name the feelings I am having ,having never felt them so badly.I lost my son and I thought that would be the worst thing that could ever happen to me.WRONG!!!My son was a piece of the love me and Larry had and God put him into our lives.He was a great joy.But with Larry,I am only half alive and that half hurts too much to put into words that make sense.

So here I sit,once again with no more words.Totally blank.Love Ruthanne

I get it; this is all foreign to all of us. You've never felt pain the way you feel it now; You've never felt loneliness; suffering or heartbreak. You  feel empty yet, so full of emotion; like the smallest thing could push you over the edge.  What do you do when there's nothing but pain left inside of you? What if everything you ever wanted only existed in your dreams?  How do you explain something you don't even understand yourself? 

The day I met my Charles, my life changed for the better....the way he made me feel is hard to explain.  He made me smile a different kind of way and I grew deeper in love him everyday.   Now every night I lay my head on my pillow and I  try to tell myself that I am strong because I've gone one more day without my Charles.  Mostly it is his loss that teaches me about his worth (if that makes any sense)  I can't wrap my mind to believe my Charles is actually gone. - Not my Charles - not my protector, not my life line.  People will tell you to *give it time*. But time changes nothing - death changes everything.  I still miss the sound of his voice; the stories we told one another; the sound of his laugh, that warm smile that still makes be melt and his presence that glowed.   Time has changed nothing because I still miss him as much or even more today than the day he left.

Be grateful that people are genuinely concerned about your well-being and willing to support and love you through this journey.  A lot of us on this forum do not have that.  Continue to pray for God's guidance.  You may slip, but God isn't going to let you fall; HIS loving arms will always be there to catch you.  Stay strong and be blessed.  God bless you and keep you, keep us all, safe.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KMB   

Francine, Thank you for putting into words what I have been feeling today. I thought I was doing ok. I have been stumbling a bit during the days, but managing to pick myself up and keep trying.

2 hours ago, Francine said:

The day I met my Charles, my life changed for the better....the way he made me feel is hard to explain.  He made me smile a different kind of way and I grew deeper in love him everyday.   Now every night I lay my head on my pillow and I  try to tell myself that I am strong because I've gone one more day without my Charles.  Mostly it is his loss that teaches me about his worth (if that makes any sense)  I can't wrap my mind to believe my Charles is actually gone. - Not my Charles - not my protector, not my life line.  People will tell you to *give it time*. But time changes nothing - death changes everything.  I still miss the sound of his voice; the stories we told one another; the sound of his laugh, that warm smile that still makes be melt and his presence that glowed.   Time has changed nothing because I still miss him as much or even more today than the day he left.

Have had severe thunderstorms and much rain the past couple of days. My outside chores/projects are on hold. I had an agenda planned to keep me busy indoors. I have only accomplished a couple of small things and today has been spent missing my husband, staring out the window or trying to stay distracted with the internet. Besides resonating with your words about you and Charles, I also resonate with *death changes everything and time changes nothing*.  God bless us and show us His mercy, I am exhausted in my loneliness without my husband.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now


×