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Lost my husband of 41 years.


crownholder2

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crownholder2

thank you all and I feel I was under an especially strong attack from the devil.My faith was weak and I gave in to the hopelessness.The MINUTE I posted my first post today ,the phone rang and it was the friend I talk to.I was weak and God sent some angels to camp around me and for that I want to thank all of you.And my friend C wouldn't let me off the phone til she was sure I was alright.Which was 7:30 tonight!Gotta love her.She says I help her.I don't see how but she said she needs me if nobody else does.

My son has no idea how devastated I am in my day to day walk.No  body does.Well C does now as I talked to her about it.I am afraid to lose my independence if I mention the suicide spirits are back,as they will admit me somewhere and my independence is all I have left.Fot the first time in my life,I live alone(well I was gifted 2 kittens,so I have fur babies but can't seem to bond to them as I can't pull my head out of my butt(Larry used to say that about our sons), and pay them any attention.I have a bond with cats and even that appears to be gone.I am getting off now as I need to space out to Pandora and King.com.That clears my head as in empties it and hopefully when I get up tomorrow I will be better.Thank you all for your patience.

PS to Meesh,the universe has no intelligence.And God will be there when you are ready.I pray He comforts you.Not cause He owes us but cause He loves us.I am not saying you have to believe in God but not believing doesn't make Him go away.Please don't take this as anything but me trying to comfort you in your loss of your God.And if I can comfort you in any way please let me know.Love Ruthanne

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Meesh, I understand how lost and lonely you are feeling. I feel that way a lot myself. We are in unknown territory with our grief journey. We take that journey with the support of family/friends but there are large parts of the journey we have to travel alone. But we are never truly alone, for God is walking by your side. I am sorry you do not believe in God at this time but He is always with you, no matter if you lost your faith and trust.We have to make the choice to have an open heart to allow God to guide us along this journey with our full acknowledgement. He is with you anyway, but He can help you more fully if you let Him.   (HUGS)

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Ruthanne,

I am glad you were able to come here and post.  I don't agree that you're not empathetic, it's just there IS no "fix" to offer your friend, and you realize that.  We all have to go through our own journey, but I pray in the days ahead you and her will be able to be there for each other, not to fix each other's situation, but to care and understand what each other are going through.  

This is a hard journey and you are recognizing that, but I believe with your faith, with treatment from the doctor, with coming here and allowing us to travel this journey with you, you will make it.  God let you type here for a reason. ;)

All of us experience our aloneness after we've lost our spouse.  We can feel alone in a crowd.  I am going to several small groups in an effort to get to know others in a closer way and develop friendships.  It's neither quick nor easy, but something I need to do as I lost every friend when George died and in the years since I made friends only to lose them in death or their moving away.  I keep doing what I know I need to do, what He's shown me.

Let us know how it goes with the doctor, you're in my prayers.  I'm sorry you're battling depression and suicidal thoughts, call a suicide hotline before attempting anything!  I hope your bonding with your cats happens, they can be a great comfort to us.  My daughter has been with her husband in love 17 years, married nearly 8 years, she was cautious entering marriage because her dad and I divorced and she didn't want that, she did everything right, well this year she lost her baby, then her husband left, now her best friend of 15 years betrayed her, it's not a good year for her!  I met with her yesterday (she doesn't live here) and she said she's amazed how strong she's been through it even though she goes to pieces at home (nights are the worst), and how God is holding her up.  There is a lot of prayer going up for her!  She's having a hard time earning enough to pay rent & the bills as now she has what the two of them used to pay together.  She mentioned her one cat, Max, runs when she cries, but her other cat, Rick, is like a therapy cat, he's really there for her and tries to comfort her and love her when she's upset or crying.  I pray one of your kittens does this for you.

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crownholder2

hello my new friends.First,thank you for being there for me.May I someday be there for some of you.Kayc,I am sorry to hear about your daughter.Sorry doesn't cover it for her but it's all I know to say.So much hurt,so little time.For the devil.Anyway thank you all for being there for me.I was very weak in my faith.

This morning started out the same but 2 people called me who haven't been calling me at all.My son is a lost cause,but rightly so.He works at construction and is trying to put his family back together.I believe God wants them together so I wish them well.I am a bit afraid about telling the dr.anything as I don't want locked up on a ward somewhere.But the Lord will guide me.I am going to tell him I think my meds need to be adjusted.

How are all of you?the last day ,before yesterday,some of you were going through what I am now going through.Unable to think of the long haul.I have decided to trust the Lord(I believe trust is a decision,not a feeling)to get me through this day.Almost there,except I just woke up from my nap,so I have a way to go til bedtime.I make my own schedule now.Once I would have felt incredibly blessed to do things on MY schedule. It's not all it's cracked up to be.As a matter of fact,there are a lot of things that don't measure up.on the whole I would have lived different but loved exactly the same.God made me to love and hatred can't live in my heart.

I spent my last money today and of course was amazed that I had enough for cig and a few other things I needed.I did keep enough for cigs.cause I have no intention of letting my son buy necessities for me as he also has a family.Pride.the root of all MY sins.

It really helped me to type all this out.Like talking I suppose.And my female cat woke me up gently and purring.That was a treat for me.God is good all the time,Love Ruthanne

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Ruthanne,

I'm glad you are embracing the good there is, your cat waking you up gently and purring.  It is those little things that keep me going sometimes.

Thank you for your concern about my daughter...I only slept two hours last night as I learned she may lose her place and there is nothing affordable available, the market is not good right now for renters, especially low income ones.  I'm praying God will give her wisdom and work some miracle for her, she needs it.

Maybe just tell your doctor what he needs to know to help you.  My doctor doesn't need to know I talk to my husband that's been dead nearly 12 years.  You're right, who knows who they'd report us to! :D  Good luck, I hope you can get medicines changed or adjusted so they are of more help to you.

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crownholder2

Hello.I haven't been here for awhile.I am sorry.I did ask for a referral but don't need one.I have to take the first step myself.The Lord has taken the suicide spirits away,run them off ,so to speak. 'I am having another problem.I am not grieving.I don't cry,I don't feel the loss likeI did.I wonder did I really love him?Or is my brain protecting me from the pain?I know I loved him so I guess I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.I feel like the  pain is going to be my  undoing.But feelings aren't reliable. I must trust God is going to be the one to open me up to it,when I am ready.But what if the pain I felt at the beginning is all I will feel? What kind of person does that make me? Narcissistic?.I am  already out of words.I felt I should come here as it is getting close to one year.How am I still functioning? Love Ruthanne

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Hi, Ruthanne, it has been a while.  Those anniversaries of death  can be hard to come up on, sometimes the anticipation is worse than the day itself.  I wish you well with it.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/05/coping-with-anniversary-reactions-in.html 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/06/in-grief-dreading-anniversary-date-of.html

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Ruthanne, Nice to hear from you and thanks for checking in. My 1st year mark will take place 4 days before yours. I work hard not to think of it. I feel my husband would not want for me to dwell on his passing date, but rather celebrate the life he led and always be grateful, thankful, for our years together we had. God has been hearing your prayers and is helping you to cope. Stay strong , Ruthanne.   (HUGS)

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An anniversary day for me today. 6 months since Pat died suddenly. Such a short time but also seems so long ago. I still cry every day. I still miss him every day. I still talk to him every day. I still feel the hole in my heart, like part of me died with him. As I "move on" with my new life, there's a new sadness. Each change feels like he is farther away from me. He's not here to "move on" with me.  I'm doing it alone. I am more functional now than I was in the early days and months but I'm feeling like now I'm just going through the motions. I so want to be happy again. I want to feel joy and contentment again but I don't know how to do that or if that will ever happen. Still just trying to take it one day at a time and trying to live well for the both of us. 

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HHFaith, Love and hugs going your way today. You are coping better at 6 months than I was. Even if you feel you are just going through the motions, you are putting in the effort and having to work must certainly be helping you. A purpose for focusing in moving forward. I wasn't even doing that. I covered the most limited of basics and was a train wreck. Spent a lot of time in bed crying back then. I still cry. I'm trying to get better with functioning, living some kind of existence. I have progressed some since the early days. We all have our own time table and i just take it day by day.

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Thanks KayC and KMB. I can really use the prayers right now. Kept pretty busy today and had some good discussions with friends about Pat and this 6 month anniversary. But now I'm home. Alone. And it's hitting me so hard. I'm realizing that I've been feeling this pain, sadness and loneliness for only 6 months. How much longer can I do this?  For the rest of my life?  How??  

For the first time I am starting to lose hope. I'm feeling like I'm just going to go back to the way I was before I met Pat - just existing and going through the motions of life. I don't want to do that. I know what it's like to be truly happy and I want to feel that again. I want to have a good life. But I'm losing hope...quickly.   I'm in so much pain right now. I hope it's just because of the anniversary and maybe tomorrow I'll feel better. But I'm afraid I might not. I thought I had done a lot of grief work over the months and thought it helped. But right now I feel like it's January 1st and I'm back to square 1. 

 Thank you all for being here and "listening". 

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HHFaith, Please, keep hanging on. I know this is so tough, painful and oh, so very lonely .I wondered so many times myself on how much longer can I do this. I know it is so hard  hanging on to hope. And, I wonder, for what? I will admit, it has gotten a tad bit easier. I still cry but it is not the all day crying I used to do. I am able to keep busy instead of ignoring everything. It is the loneliness for my husband and our togetherness that hangs over me and seeps into my bones. It is a Saturday night. A holiday weekend at that and I'm alone, without the one person who could make me and this life so much better. After a day of mindless chores, I've taken a shower and sitting here with the computer, a bottle of Cayman Jack, my cigarettes and my loneliness. How many years of these kind of days and nights? Others can move forward into other relationships. At my age, and with the all consuming love I will always have for my husband, I will never date. That is a choice I have already made. I have a couple of friends, my daughter will be living here for awhile and maybe down the road I will find a renewed interest in old hobbies or develop new ones. Life will be whatever I make of it.

I guess this is how the grief journey works. We can get stuck from time to time, move forward a bit and then out of no where, find ourselves slipping backwards to the beginning of when we lost our everything. Hang in there and hang on, we are in this together. We will make it, we have to.  (HUGS)

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I feel the same way, it only has been a little over a month since my husband passed and I just can't imagine feeling this way for the rest of my life. I walk around feeling like I have the flu and am constantly fighting off panic attacks. I am so thankful I found this site, all of you,  and your kinds words have  brought me comfort. KMB, Francine Andy , KayC, HhFaith,  you all always,have the kindest things to say just to make others feel better when you are suffering yourself, that speaks volumes of the kind of people you are. I feel so lost and broken without him, scared , and sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind. When I pray tonight I will pray for all of us here to be able to find some peace . Hugs to all of you and thank you.

Diane

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10 hours ago, Dian said:

I feel the same way, it only has been a little over a month since my husband passed and I just can't imagine feeling this way for the rest of my life

Dian, thank you for your kind words. Though I'm having a bad time right now , probably because of the 6 month anniversary, I must say that the constant sick, excruciating pain I felt in the beginning has lessened. Like you at one month I felt so physically sick. Couldnt eat. Couldn't think. And had the panic attacks. And yes, felt like I was losing my mind.  Those feelings did lessen as time went on. But the overall sadness is still there all the time. Sometimes it's very intense and sometimes its just there, like a low grade fever or something. The thing we all need to figure out is how to continue on and create a life without the love of our life. How to live with that overall sadness. How to live while missing him.  Haven't quite figured out how to do that yet!  I miss him so much and always will. 

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Dian, You have to hang on with the rest of us! I'm sorry about the panic attacks. I had them constantly for 6 -7 months. I only get one occasionally now. Usually when I have to make a major decision or if my mind dwells too much in the past and I wish so badly to go back in time. I just want to be with my husband, wherever he is. But I have to wait until it is my turn to go. Time can be our enemy or our friend, depending on the situation and how we look at it. Love and HUGS to you!

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15 hours ago, HHFaith said:

For the first time I am starting to lose hope. I'm feeling like I'm just going to go back to the way I was before I met Pat - just existing and going through the motions of life.

HHFaith,

Six months is not the time to judge your journey by...it is said to be one of the hardest times, because reality sets in, we're alone, we're facing all of these major adjustments and we have yet to process our grief.  It is a long journey but we can do this with great effort.  It is not time alone that heals, but grief does take a lot of work.  Reading countless books, articles, posting, journaling, stretching past our comfort zone, self-care, doing positive things for ourselves, reaching out for help, grief counseling, grief support groups, and even creativity, exercise, and if you're an animal person, spending time with them and nature.  Nothing will be the same again, but eventually we can build a life for ourselves that we can do.  I'm currently working on building friendships...it's extremely slow go, but I'll keep working at it because it's not good to feel alone. 

We'll never be as we were before we met them because we take with us everything we learned from having been with them, and I continue to carry George in my heart, I draw strength and encouragement from that.

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Thank you for responding , I feel so hopeless and sad, I don't know how to cope any longer. I have lost so much weight and  I can't sleep well. I miss him so much , being in our house ,our bedroom. Just brings me more pain. Even though my kids are here and I love them with all my heart I just want to be with him. I would never do anything to hurt them more than they already are but the thought of going on through life without him is so unbearable.I do have an appointment with a grief counselor but not until July 10th. I am not sure if it will even help but am willing to give anything a try. I hope the constant anxiety lessens a bit as I need to go to work and I keep having panic attacks. He was my everything for so long, why just why. Thank you all, your words mean so much to me. 

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The grief counselor can't give you your life back but they can help you figure your way through this, I'm glad you're willing to give it a try, just one more week.  

If you're having panic attacks, I'd go to a doctor.  I'm on Buspirone, which is in a class by itself, one of the safest anti-anxiety medications.  My hardest time now is at night, I can't turn my brain off if I wake up in the middle of the night.  I'm on the lowest dosage and probably should be taking a little more so I can sleep better.   Panic attacks are no fun!

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I am also on Buspirone, 10miligrams, I think it is also the lowest dose. I might ask her to bump it up a bit. I have been on it for two weeks. How long before you were on it that you noticed any improvement? I so do not want to take meds, but I have to be able to go to work and so forth, so I will give anything a try.I even have looked into hypnotherapy for anxiety, that's how desperate I am. I tried to trim the shrubs today and of course even standing on something I couldn't reach, so I cried. I feel so overwhelmed and I miss him so much. I do not sleep well either, I even asked my 14 year old daughter to sleep with me last night. Sometimes just having someone close makes me feel better. I am going to watch movies with her tonight.I will say that through all of this my children and I have become so close. I thank god for them. My son is now getting panic attacks and he actually throws up. I wish I could take all of their pain away from them, watching them struggle is so hard to do, I just want to fix it. My husband was the rock of this family and so much more than just a father/husband. He was our best friend, protector and the one we all turned too. This is so hard, I would give anything to be able to go back in time and save him. Thank you for reaching out, it means alot!

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I've been on it for about 9 years so I don't remember how long before it took full effect, but they say it can take up to a month for antianxiety or antidepressants to take full effect, they want you to give them a full chance, and talk to the doctor before deciding to make any changes or discontinue.

There's meditation, aromatherapy, etc. soothing music, etc., but I haven't gotten help from those things as it's nighttime I struggle with, I don't want to be up half the night meditating, I want my SLEEP! :)  Those other things are fine for the daytime anxiety.  Back when I first started on Buspirone, I'd been getting anxiety attacks on Friday afternoons while at work, so obviously it was a reaction to the impending weekend.  It has helped for that, now to just shut my brain off and SLEEP!

If your son is getting panic attacks and throwing up, I really hope you take him to the doctor.  This is serious and needs help.  Sometimes things are just beyond us to fix even though we want to so much.  I can relate, my husband was everything to me too.  He was my kids' stepdad, but they had a wonderful relationship and he was a friend to them as well.  He was always there for them, and I know they miss him so much.

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crownholder2

hi again.I posted over in religious beliefs and nobody answered.So I come here.Please go read and reply.It's only getting worse.I am having to live with my son and his wife  and tonight after all the drama,they had a huge fight and she brought me into it by saying I hate her and hate living here no matter how hard she tries to make me feel comfortable.I have panic disorder and am ONLY comfortable at home and this is the next best thing and I have told her that repeatedly.Just today we looked at wedding pictures and I told her I have always been proud to have her as my daughter in law and love her to death.Just today!I can go to my nieces house til my apt is ready but then my son would be madder at her so I don't know what to do.She said she is tired of the depression and mental issues(which only I have) and Thursday is one year without Larry and I need him so bad right now.I don't know what to do

 

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46 minutes ago, crownholder2 said:

.I don't know what to do

Hang on the best you can, Ruthanne. We are here for you and so is God. Soon, you will be back in your own home?  Keep praying and God will send you peace. We are praying for you also.

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It breaks my heart every time I read of someone having to endure the selfishness of others regarding our grief. To have to deal with the grief we live in only to have additional worry and anger added to it is salt in the wounds. I am sorry you are having to deal with this from someone you not only love but profess these feelings to. You would assume people would treat us with compassion and tenderness yet here we are, the lepers of society. 

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Try to do what is best for YOU and let THEM deal with their own "stuff", they'll work it out somehow.  If you feel more comfortable in your own place, go there!  You are undoubtedly feeling a lot right now with the deathaverary approaching...

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crownholder2

Hi.I wish I could go home.my apt.ceiling fell in and then they had to tear out bedroom ceiling due to roof leak which  had to be fixed and then the flea infestation which was treated yesterday and again in 2 wks.I am going to check for fleas tomorrow and start cleaning up the mess so I can move home.I can't take my cats back til the fleas are gone.

I told my DIL how she hurt me and of course she apologized as soon as she got home from work yesterday.Anyway,she is going to pick up some flowers and we will go to the cemetery to see my guys.Or what's left of them,their headstones.Not so,their memories will remain as long as I am here.Don't know how it will go but it will go.thank y'all for answering me,love Ruthanne

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Ruthanne, (I love your name, by the way)

I'm glad you talked with your DIL, I'm unable to with mine, she doesn't respond well to me no matter what I try, but if you can make progress like that, that is great and to be desired!
I hope you can move home soon, it'll be nice to be there and have your cats there with you.  Wow, you are having a lot done at your house!  Sounds like a lot of work.  I hope all goes well when you visit the cemetary...

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Ruthanne,  You will be back at home again in no time. new ceiling, no water leaks and no fleas!  A lot to be thankful for, to have your own space back. God is looking out for you!

Glad you and the DIL had a good talk and  all is well again. Another blessing from God! Your "guys" at the gravesites will know you are there to visit with them. Hope they wrap you in a blanket of love, comfort and peace that you can feel.   (HUGS)

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crownholder2

Thank you ladies.I am blessed with a DIL who has a very soft heart.And we did get to  put flowers on the graves.And when Robin(DIL) went to pay for them the guy behind her told her to go on,he would get the stuff for her.No reason,no expectations,just Gods' Grace.There are still wonderful people here in this world.

My apt is flea free and I am going this A.M. to clean bedroom and bathroom floors and get it ready for the furn.to go back in .They still have to paint the rest of my apt. but God is good all the time.I should be home for good by next Friday!

I pray everything is fine with both of you ladies,TTYL,Love Ruthanne

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12 hours ago, crownholder2 said:

There are still wonderful people here in this world.

Yes, Ruthanne, there are. We just have to be aware of the little/ big things and thank God for providing them. Countdown to Friday for you!!  (HUGS)

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