Loss of my 37-year-old son

[Becky]

My son died unexpectedly on Easter morning, April 16, 2017.  I don't know yet how he died.  Matthew was 37, the oldest of my three children.  I am absolutely devastated and barely functioning.  I don't know what to do.

[TearsInHeaven]

Becky, the first thing you need to do is remember to breathe.  This is a time you can never have imagined.  I have copied some of the post to another new member for you. I know the "not knowing" is another added rock to your grief. My son was 36 and in a couple of weeks we would have celebrated his 39th birthday. Please try during this time to take care of yourself.  I know that is the last thing on your mind but it is so important right now.  Cry when you need to, I am sure it will come often. There is nothing wrong with that. But the love and tears need to be fed water and rest whenever you can.  I know the thought of rest is in the realm of not probable but you need to take  care of yourself. This early time can be filled with blocks of denial, and visions of moments and days when it just doesn’t seem real.  Sharing your pain can help you process it. Your grief is your own and you will grieve in your own way and your own time. Don’t try to fit a mold or compare to someone else. Grief does not come with instructions. It is up and down, through tunnels and a drop like a roller coaster ride. It is unique like your beautiful son is unique. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Our journey is a lifetime, and the number of steps it will take is incomprehensibly frightening. But, come join us on Loss of An Adult Child. We are kind, compassion people and you are not alone in this.

 

I have copied some of the post to another new member for you.

Kelly, I I know these words do not come close to alleviating your pain but I am so sorry for your loss. These last few weeks for you have been so raw and devastating.  I too lost my son and the coroner held him for almost a month.  We had actually planned his service and we almost didn't have him for it.  It was a cruel and mortifying situation and added so much to our grief.  When a child dies our world is shattered and we are brought to our knees. Violent loss is incomprehensible. Your world has been violently shaken and all that you know seems to have fallen out from under you.  You have come to a good place.  Right now don't think of how you will get through the rest of your life.  You need to think about the next hour, minute... that is all you can handle right now. You will learn your way on this path. Sharing your pain can help. No sleep, guilt, anger, sadness, No sleep, guilt, anger, sadness, repeat and throw in some sorrow and despair..... a grieving parent makes their way.  The path is never straight forward.  Someone once told me " SHOW ME A GRIEVING MOTHER AND I WILL SHOW YOU THE BRAVEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD;  SHE HAS LIVED ONE DAY WITHOUT HER CHILD."   I am a couple of years into this and the path of grief throws things at you. But having the ability to get my feelings out  has helped...if helped is the right word.... We have an very active thread in this forum.  It is called Loss of an Adult Child. Please come join the many parents on there. We have many who have lost their child to violence and many who have had to navigate the court system for that child.  Active posts are on the last page.   I know your head is spinning with the "what ifs' and the "this cannot really have happened."  It is a rocky road on this grief journey. Those who understand are those who are walking in these grief shoes like yourself.  You need to hold on right now with both hands, but you do not have to do it alone.

[Tommy's mum]

becky I am so sorry I know that deep earthshattering pain you are feeling. Join us on Loss of an Adult child thread it is very active and there will be quick responses to your posts. Dianne gives great advice she has been there for many of us in her insightful and calm way. The waiting for an autopsy and cause of death is hideous but I hope you will at least get some answers. sometimes it is a hidden condition that someone was born with or a severe allergic reaction or sometimes Sudden adult death syndrome. Whatever your son died from it does not matter so much, it matters that you lost him and the deep impact on your family. It is about finding strength you did not know you had to cope with the waiting and investigation and then the funeral. That is when the hardest bit starts the trying to build a life that has been utterly changed and coping with your seesawing emotions and those of your children and family. it is normal to feel totally lost and bewildered angry and frustrated scared and devastated sometimes all at once. how you feel is normal. I had months of not coping or functioning it is such a shock to the system that you just breakdown indside. like Dianne said Just breathe and take it a few minutes at a time a step at a time because to view the whole picture is just too much right now. Take care