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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
Michael23

My partner for life is gone

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I don't even know where to begin.  On February 20th, 2017 I woke up to a phone call informing me of the death of my boyfriend, fiance, partner for life, and best friend.  We met many years ago and instantly were drawn to each other like soul mates.  Life together was perfectly blissful and was full of laughter, tender moments, and sentimental memories.  We both shared the same lust for life and adventure and made countless plans for the future, both near and distant.  Though I never even imagined getting married anytime before I was 30 prior to meeting him, we found ourselves happily engaged and moving in together at the end of 2015 to start our forever.  

Though every day began and ended with smiles, laughter, and love, we endured a lot of hardship during our relationship.  Both of our families are very religious and neither of them approved of the fact that we were two men dating each other.  Prior to meeting him, I never would have defined myself as gay.  I'm masculine, athletic, and have had girlfriends my entire life.  But when I met my boyfriend, I fell in love with him as a person.  Gender had nothing to do with it.  As sappy as it sounds, it was true love, and nothing could change the way we felt about each other.  However, the constant oppression from our families always made things difficult.  It didn't cause fights or sadness between us at all, but we both still cared about our families and didn't want to lose them either.  My parents were on the brink of divorce because of our relationship, siblings were fighting with one another over the issue, and it was just overall an ugly situation.  I should have been stronger.  I should have stayed and fought harder.  I should have continued to love my family, but not let them affect me and partner's life together.  But instead, I made the decision to move out in order to fix things with my family.  It broke my heart and destroyed the heart of my partner.  Neither of us wanted to separate - we wanted an entire life together - but we knew that we couldn't continue on with the current situation.  We made a decision to temporarily split in order to alleviate the tension of our families and fix things with them so that we could eventually get back together for good.

The temporary split was heartbreaking enough, but it all came crashing down when I was notified of his death.  He had a stress-induced seizure during his sleep that caused him to fall out of his bed and suffocate.  If I had been there, I could have prevented it from happening.  And even more, if I had never left, then the stress would not have been present and the seizure would never have happened.  He didn't deserve to die.  He was so full of life, love, kindness, and happiness.  He lit up my every day with joy and purpose and now without him, I'm nothing.  Yes, I understand the concept that life is possible to live and that I can still find happiness and joy - but I don't want to.  He doesn't get to live and experience life anymore, so why do I get to?  I just want him and I don't want this life without him.  If there's an afterlife, I want to be with him there.  If there's not an afterlife, I would rather not go on for 10, 20, or 50 years in sadness knowing that he's not here.  My family is still a mess, so my decision to "fix" things did nothing but cause the death of my fiance.  I should have never left him like I did, and now that he's gone, I'm just empty without him. 

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Michael, 

I am so very sorry about the loss of your fiance. You cannot blame yourself for this; accidents, however tragic, happen. Stop beating yourself up. Your fiance would not have wanted to you suffer and blame yourself. Would he? You both made the decision to split with every intention on getting back together. Then this happens. It's nobody's fault. It is what it is. 

The best way to deal with this is to talk to people. Join a face-to-face support group. Write letters to him (lots of people say writing letters to your lost loved one is very therapeutic). I know this tragedy is hard, but in time, the severe anguish will fade. You will be able to remember him with fondness and love. Perhaps even smile. For now, take care of yourself. 

We will be with you,

ModKonnie

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Francine   

 

Michael23  -- 

I am so sorry for your loss and know too well what you are going through.   Even though it appeared your time together was short in length, your love for one another was long in true happiness; and that, I believe, is what we are put on this earth to do - love and be loved.   There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.   At times it may get so difficult that you will have to sometimes pinch yourself to know if it is a nightmare come to life or if it's still a dream.  It is so unfortunate that your families did not support you with your decision to share your life with the person of your choice.   It is also regrettable you split up with your partner to please other people; when you can find someone to love you and help you through this difficult thing we call life, then you should be supported in any shape or form.  No one has a right to tell another how they should live or who they should love.  You can't fault yourself for what you thought was the best solution at the time; nor could you say what would or would not have happened to your partner.  Things happen and for whatever reason, we will never know why, nor perhaps should we; but what we have with us and no one can take away from us are our memories - those beautiful memories that tell our story; good times will come and go, but the memories will last forever.

Unfortunate as it is, I think losing a gay partner is very different, as the world somehow expects you to get over it and move on.  Sometimes there is not the same acknowledgement of loss from friends, family and co-workers. Losing someone you truly love affects you.  It is an excruciating  pain that is buried inside of you and becomes this big, deep hole of ache.  It doesn't magically go away, even when you stop grieving - but is gradually get tolerable and the pain will lesson somewhat.

I do hope this site helps you find some peace as it did for me; allow yourself to think of the place you now find yourself in as the beginning of a new path which you will meet people who truly understand your grieving because we are all on the very same path.   People on this forum have been there when I've hit rock bottom,  held me up when the tears wouldn't stop, and patiently guided me with their experiences and knowledge of my feelings and fears - and deep abiding sadness.   I hope you continue to post; know you are surrounded by a circle here that I refer to as "angels" and as quiet as it is kept, they are.

Take care of yourself, and don't feel alone in your grief - because we are all here when you need us.

 

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KMB   

Michael23, I am so deeply sorry for your loss. Love is the purest, sweetest emotion there is. Love chooses who we are meant to be with. We cannot choose our families, unfortunately, and I'm sorry that they were not capable of loving and supporting you for you or your beloved. The intensity of our grieving is said to equal the intensity of how we loved. This is a tough road and we will all be here for you.

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KayC   
7 hours ago, Michael23 said:

But when I met my boyfriend, I fell in love with him as a person.  Gender had nothing to do with it.

I totally get that!  I have a friend who is a crossdresser (may be transgender although he hasn't done anything about it), and I love him as a person, doesn't matter what gender he identifies with...sometimes we see past all of the wrapping to the inner person, that's a very special thing.  Although we are not a couple, not "in love", we care about each other for who we are.  I am sorry your family hasn't felt accepting, sometimes their beliefs get in the way of letting themselves accept.  But what you had together no one can take away.  The one thing I've learned in my grief journey (nearly 12 years since my husband passed) is that our love continues even though death claimed his body.  We will be together again!

I am sorry for your loss and all of the secondary losses resulting.  You have found an accepting and caring safe place to come where you'll be heard and understood.

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Michael,I am so sorry for your loss.Know that you can talk to me and I believe all the others I have read about as well.Love is love and loss and pain is too.I don't feel sorry FOR you,I feel sorry for your pain and you seem so alone in it.I feel sorry for your family.I am also a Christian and God never said not to love everyone.Your family doesn't seem to get that.I pray,if nothing else that your family will be quickened to reach out to you in love and support you in your loss,but if not we will.I am so new here I hope I don't do more damage than good.I say we cause of all the replies to others I have found nothing mean spirited or judgemental in ANY of the replies.I feel safe posting here and I pray you will too.

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