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I lost my girlfriend to suicide


Jcooper9

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My beautiful girlfriend committed suicide this weekend. I don't know what to do I'm at loss for words. I need someone to vent to please. I've never had to deal with this type of loss. I can't shake the feeling that it was my fault. Please I am dying I can't handle this. 

 

Im adding this so people can know more about it.... 

 

I am 28 years old and she was 26. I met her in June of 2012, almost 5 years ago. We met at the airport while waiting to board our flight. I saw her and I couldn't keep my eyes off of her. I worked up the courage and asked her if she wanted to join me for a drink because our flight was delayed. She smiled and said "sure" so we went to grab some drinks together at the bar by our gate. She was 21 years old at the time and I was 23. We got to talking, we were both heading to Miami, which is where we both lived. I felt a strong connection with her and the chemistry was something I've never felt with anyone before. I was nervous and had butterflies and normally I don't get nervous with girls. We were flying Southwest Airlines so you get to choose your seats, so we sat next to each other. She told me she was in a serious relationship and she had been with him for 2 years. I was bummed because I had never felt the way I did and I thought she noticed the chemistry too, which later she told me she did. 

I asked her for her number when we landed before we got off the plane, since her boyfriend was meeting her at the airport. She gave it to me and I told her I'd love to be friends. The plane ride was just like a movie, I felt like we had just so much in common and we clicked. It made me believe in love at first sight.

We became good friends and talked often for about two years after that, we were Facebook friends too, but we never saw each other that whole time because she didn't want to make her boyfriend mad. They ended up breaking up in 2014. She went through a hard time and I told her I would be there for her. About another 6 months go by after her break up and she finally asks if she can see me. I told her of course. I didn't wanna be the first to ask since she had just gotten out of a 4 year relationship. So we planned a date and we went out. I took her to a nice dinner and then we went out for drinks. It was an amazing first date and she looked beautiful. I was nervous again even though we had kept in touch for so long. We went on like 5 dates until I finally kissed her because I was so nervous. Then about 2 months later we started seeing each other and decided to make it official. So she became my girlfriend. We started dating in 2014 and had been together ever since, so 3 years. 

She had been battling severe depression for years. She would sometimes be fine. She seemed like a happy person to everyone, she was so charming. Her charima, her smile, her personality attracted everyone to her. She would light up every room. No one could have ever thought she was depressed deep down. She had it all and I guess it wasn't enough. She would sometimes have these depressive episodes and they were inexplicable. I would try to be there for her all the time. She attempted suicide before. 

On Saturday we went to a friend's wedding and we got in a fight. She got so upset that she left. She left before the reception and I tried to follow but she didn't let me. I called her over and over and she wouldn't answer. I couldn't get a hold of her. I found out that she went home to her apartment and she shot herself. I'm still trying to process all of this. I can't handle the pain, the guilt, I can't I don't know how I'm gonna go on.

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ModKonnie

I'm so very sorry for you loss. You can vent here. We will listen. It's not your fault at all. Please don't blame yourself. The best way to handle this is to talk about it. You've come to the right place. 

Would you like to share your story? How did you meet, how long you dated, what happened? We will be here with you,

ModKonnie

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Thank you so much, ModKonnie. I appreciate your kind words and reply. Yeah I would like to share, it will help me grieve and feel a little better. I'm still in shock and I'm scared about how it's gonna hit me. 

I added it to the first post so that more people can read more about it if they are interested in some of the background of it. 

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2 hours ago, Jcooper9 said:

My beautiful girlfriend committed suicide this weekend. I don't know what to do I'm at loss for words. I need someone to vent to please. I've never had to deal with this type of loss. I can't shake the feeling that it was my fault. Please I am dying I can't handle this. 

I am so sorry for your loss and can only imagine what you must be going through.  When you lose someone you love, it alters your life forever and your heart will be badly broken and you feel hurt, sad, angry, abandoned, rejected or any other emotion linked to the suicide of your loved one.  The bad news is that you will never *get over* the loss; but the good news is that she will live in your broken heart that never seals back up.  You eventually will come through this loss; it's like a wound that never heals, it will hurt, the scab will drop off, but the scar will be there forever.

I can only imagine the pain your girlfriend must have been going through.  I can only imagine the hopelessness she felt and wanting nothing more than the pain to end. Sometimes people who commit suicide can't imagine the pain ever going away or cannot see the light at the end of the very dark and lonely tunnel they have found themselves traveling down.  I'm sorry she couldn't tell anyone how she was really feeling; I'm sorry she did not get the effective treatment she needed; or perhaps she couldn't find the right words to tell people and make them understand what she was going through.  I'm sorry that her pain was more than her willingness to live.

There are things that we don't want to happen, but have to accept; things we don't want to know, but have to learn, and people we just can't live without, but have to let go.  Some of the most comforting words in the universe are "me too"  That moment when you find out that your struggle is also someone else's struggle; that you are not alone, and that others have and are going down the same road as you.

I hope you continue to post.  We are all on this horrible journey together and together will get through this. At the end of the day, all you need is Hope and Strength.  Hope that is will get better and Strength to hold on until it does.  God bless and keep you, keep us all, safe. 

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8 minutes ago, Francine said:

I am so sorry for your loss and can only imagine what you must be going through.  When you lose someone you love, it alters your life forever and your heart will be badly broken and you feel hurt, sad, angry, abandoned, rejected or any other emotion linked to the suicide of your loved one.  The bad news is that you will never *get over* the loss; but the good news is that she will live in your broken heart that never seals back up.  You eventually will come through this loss; it's like a wound that never heals, it will hurt, the scab will drop off, but the scar will be there forever.

I can only imagine the pain your girlfriend must have been going through.  I can only imagine the hopelessness she felt and wanting nothing more than the pain to end. Sometimes people who commit suicide can't imagine the pain ever going away or cannot see the light at the end of the very dark and lonely tunnel they have found themselves traveling down.  I'm sorry she couldn't tell anyone how she was really feeling; I'm sorry she did not get the effective treatment she needed; or perhaps she couldn't find the right words to tell people and make them understand what she was going through.  I'm sorry that her pain was more than her willingness to live.

There are things that we don't want to happen, but have to accept; things we don't want to know, but have to learn, and people we just can't live without, but have to let go.  Some of the most comforting words in the universe are "me too"  That moment when you find out that your struggle is also someone else's struggle; that you are not alone, and that others have and are going down the same road as you.

I hope you continue to post.  We are all on this horrible journey together and together will get through this. At the end of the day, all you need is Hope and Strength.  Hope that is will get better and Strength to hold on until it does.  God bless and keep you, keep us all, safe. 

Francine, 

you have no idea how much your beautiful words mean to me. Thank you for that, it truly helps. I know I'll never get over it but you gave me hope that I will someday heal. Right now it just seems unreal. I feel like I'm asleep and having a nightmare that I can't wake up from. It breaks my heart and tears me apart to know that she was suffering as much as she was while wearing a facade for so long. I don't understand what could have made her feel that way when she had everything a girl could ever want. Amazing personality, drop dead gorgeous, intelligent, successful, had me who was madly in love with her, had friends that loved her, people who looked up to her. She was a role model. She had everything and yet she didn't feel like it was enough. 

I will definitely keep posting. This has helped me so much already, just to be able to come here and vent.

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Jcooper9, We are all on this journey together, even though we are on separate, individual paths. I am deeply sorry for your loss. Losing someone we love is devastating enough, but losing someone who made the conscience choice of ending their life speaks volumes of the mental anguish they were in and the helplessness of the loved ones left behind. I've been impacted by suicide twice in my life. The first time, it was someone I loved as a friend when I was in my early 20's. I didn't learn of his passing until a few months later. It took awhile for me to process it and I still think of him to this day. The second time was just a few years ago and involved a friend of the family. The attempt was not successful, thank God, but required surgery, rehab and many months of therapy. This friend is deeply appreciative of his second chance to live and is doing well.

You were led to this forum by your soul. This is a safe place to vent, cry, release the emotions you are feeling. Francine gave you some wonderful, comforting words, so I won't repeat.  My heart felt thoughts are right behind hers.

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6 minutes ago, KMB said:

Jcooper9, We are all on this journey together, even though we are on separate, individual paths. I am deeply sorry for your loss. Losing someone we love is devastating enough, but losing someone who made the conscience choice of ending their life speaks volumes of the mental anguish they were in and the helplessness of the loved ones left behind. I've been impacted by suicide twice in my life. The first time, it was someone I loved as a friend when I was in my early 20's. I didn't learn of his passing until a few months later. It took awhile for me to process it and I still think of him to this day. The second time was just a few years ago and involved a friend of the family. The attempt was not successful, thank God, but required surgery, rehab and many months of therapy. This friend is deeply appreciative of his second chance to live and is doing well.

You were led to this forum by your soul. This is a safe place to vent, cry, release the emotions you are feeling. Francine gave you some wonderful, comforting words, so I won't repeat.  My heart felt thoughts are right behind hers.

Thanks for responding too. I appreciate all the people who respond and give me advice and kind words. I appreciate it more than you know.

I am deeply sorry you've had to deal with suicide as well. It is heart wrenching. I have dealt with death in the past, but suicide is a little different because you feel like there is something you could have done. I feel sick to my stomach. I just wish I could have made her stay here and fight through it. I would have been there every step of the way. I just don't know how I will heal from this. It doesn't feel real. I never thought she would actually do it. I should have watched her closely and been more attentive. She had previous attempts. I failed her. I cant believe I wasn't more careful about letting her be alone. My heard has been ripped out of my chest.

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Jcooper9. It is not your fault. You did not fail her. You had no way of knowing at the time of what she was going to do. She was totally responsible for the choice she made. She could have made the choice to reach out for help, but unfortunately she didn't. This might sound harsh, but she failed herself.  She must have been in such mental pain that she wasn't aware of the pain and devastation she would be leaving behind. As you mentioned, she had everything another person would probably covet to have. For whatever reasons, she didn't see herself as others did.Her pain was such that she couldn't see how much she was loved by you and family and friends. It is impossible to velcroe yourself to someone who is depressive and has made previous attempts at ending their life. We have our own lives to attend to and you did nothing wrong in going about living your own life.

My heart aches for your girlfriend and her loss of life. She would have had a great life with you and the love you gave her. My heart aches for you in losing her and your future you were planning.

You are not alone in your pain, even though there will be times you will feel that way. Jump on the forum here and let it out when you need to. Someone will be reading, listening and responding. Maybe not immediately, but in a short time someone is usually online. I wish you peace, love and comfort.

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KMB, 

thanks for that. I guess you're right, she did fail herself. Aside from being absolutely destroyed by what she did I am also so mad at her. She could have made a different choice. She wasn't thinking straight. In her state of mind I'm sure she wasn't thinking about anything else. 

Us closest to her knew she was depressed. Not everyone but mainly me and her best friend, and her parents. I also know she was taking strong sedatives to knock her out when she was in her depressive states because she didn't wanna deal with the pain. But she would never tell what was causing her so much pain and that's what hurts me so much. 

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Jcooper9, I truly feel sorry for your girlfriend. As humans, we only get this one shot to live this life, which was given as a gift to us. I don't know what the medical, professional protocols of treatment for depression are. I do question the sedatives though. Why prescribe sedatives to someone who has made previous suicidal attempts?  I don't have the understanding or knowledge behind that question. Was she receiving any type of therapy counseling?

It is alright to be angry. Anger is an emotion all of us here are familiar with. We are angry, for a time, with the person who left us. It doesn't matter the means by how they left this life, be it suicide, illness, disease or some form of accident. Anger is part of the grieving, the pain. We get angry because we miss them and want them back. We get angry because we lost a part of ourselves and the life we had with that person. We get angry at the unfairness of life. For those who are of faith, we get angry at God for allowing this loss to happen. Eventually, the anger dissolves when our minds begin absorbing and adjusting to our loss. You will be coping with many different emotions and everything you experience is a part of the process. I am so sorry you are dealing with this tragedy. You are so young to have to be dealing with the loss of your love. I wish I could take away your pain but alas, there is nothing anyone can say or do to reverse what happened.

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30 minutes ago, KMB said:

Jcooper9, I truly feel sorry for your girlfriend. As humans, we only get this one shot to live this life, which was given as a gift to us. I don't know what the medical, professional protocols of treatment for depression are. I do question the sedatives though. Why prescribe sedatives to someone who has made previous suicidal attempts?  I don't have the understanding or knowledge behind that question. Was she receiving any type of therapy counseling?

 

KMB, 

I don't know if she was prescribed that or not. She was taking rohypnol. She never told me where she would get it from or even that she was taking it, i just would see it and ask her about it and she said that she'd use it for insomnia when she can't sleep which was a lie. She was not in counseling  or trying to get any help for her depression. She was not on anti depressants. I don't know why nobody including me, didn't make her go seek medical help. She was diagnosed with depression and anxiety but she never took the steps to get help after that. And if she was being prescribed the sedative, knowing that she had a mental illness I'm gonna be livid. 

I just wish I could get inside her head and know what was going on with her because I could only see so much. 

when she was around people she acted like the happiest girl. I would see a huge smile on her face and she would be so lively and outgoing and had this charisma that just drew people in. But behind closed doors she was a sad, depressed, almost unstable person who you'd never imagine was the same person. Depression is the devil and people don't take it seriously. 

Everyone else that didn't know she was suffering is in complete shock and can't wrap their brains around it. Others super close to her say they are not surprise because she just did not want to live. 

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I am so sorry for your loss.  I do hope you realize that this is not your fault.  Depression is a very hard disease, hard enough for the professionals to help with, let alone us lay people.  I have known someone who commit suicide, he also had everything going for him and was getting professional help, but didn't feel he could hold on any longer because he took his life, it was on the weekend.  

My heart goes out to you.  I hope something in the following articles will be of help to you.
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/11/surviving-spouses-suicide.html 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/grief-support-for-survivors-of-suicide.html 

 

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KayC, 

thank you so much for taking the time to write to me and help me feel a little better. I truly appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. I will check out those articles and keep posting on here, everyone has been absolutely incredible. 

I am also deeply sorry for your loss, I wish you the best and I hope your healing process is peaceful. Suicide is so devastating and I wish it would stop. But like you said, it's even hard for professionals, unfortunately. 

My heart goes out to you too, and if you need someone to talk to you can reach out to me. Thank you again, I really really appreciate the kind words, thoughts, prayers, advice, etc. 

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My loss (friend to suicide) was many years ago, but I remember all too well like it was yesterday, I guess that's how death is, it's so jarring.  From that point on everything falls into "before" or "after" that point in time.

I do hope you'll continue to come here, when my husband died, I don't know how I could have made it without my grief forum.

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2 hours ago, KayC said:

My loss (friend to suicide) was many years ago, but I remember all too well like it was yesterday, I guess that's how death is, it's so jarring.  From that point on everything falls into "before" or "after" that point in time.

I do hope you'll continue to come here, when my husband died, I don't know how I could have made it without my grief forum.

Yeah I'm sure that even if it was years ago, it must still feel like yesertday. I know this will affect my whole life. It's been about 3 days and I'm still in shock. The reality will probably set at her funeral which is going to be tomorrow. 

Im so sorry you lost your husband. I feel so sad for you, but I'm glad this forum has helped you. I'm so glad you have support here. 

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19 hours ago, Jcooper9 said:

Aside from being absolutely destroyed by what she did I am also so mad at her. She could have made a different choice.

Maybe she could have made a different choice. But noone can really know except for herself. When my wife committed suicide her family coudn't understand why. Only her daughter and I witnessed her pain. She played it so well for all the others. And even I wouldn't know how bad it really was. All I know is that she was incredibly brave to carry on for such a long time, fighting her desease and trying to be there for the ones she loved. She wanted to leave so many times and continued to struggle until she required full time care. So she decided to leave just before she wouldn't be able to decide for herself anymore.

It's tragic for the ones who are left behind, but I don't think we can judge them. We don't know what they felt, what kind of pain and what kind of distress they suffered from. We can only appreciate the time we had and that they don't have to suffer anymore.

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Jcooper9, My thoughts and prayers will be with you tomorrow. Funerals are tough to get through. Arrangements, etc are so rushed that a person cannot get their bearings and have time to absorb the trauma of loss. Those first days, weeks, are surreal. You think you are in a nightmare that you cannot wake up from. Take care, we'll be here for you.

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12 hours ago, Jcooper9 said:

I just don't know how I will heal from this. It doesn't feel real. I never thought she would actually do it. I should have watched her closely and been more attentive. She had previous attempts. I failed her. I cant believe I wasn't more careful about letting her be alone. My heard has been ripped out of my chest.

Jcooper9

Some people heal after a long time; some never heal.  Don't be surprised if out of nowhere you suddenly experience a surge of grief, even at the most unexpected times. It's normal and in someways, healthy.  Try and stop beating yourself up over something that was out of your control.  You did the best you could; that's all anyone can ask.  It was not your decision to take her from this earth - It was God's decision; and God's decision is always the right decision.

So be confused, it's where you begin to learn new things; bend a little, its where you begin to realize you're not broken;  be frustrated, its where you start to make authentic decisions;  be sad, but know that God sends hope in the most desperate moments.  Be whatever you need to be right now - it's the first steps to healing.

Try not to cry because she's gone; but smile because she lived and loved.  One day, you will remember how lucky you were to have known her love with wonder, not grief.   God can heal a broken heart, but you need to give HIM all the pieces.

Stay strong and know we are here for you; for one another.  God Bless and keep you, keep us all, safe.

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crownholder2

Hi Jcooper9.I lost a son when he was 23.He shot himself.He showed no signs of depression.I have suffered with depression and suicidal attempts all my life.My son saw all that.Talk about guilt!Also,I was in the unique position of knowing how he felt when he did it.The biggest pain is knowing the hopelessness that makes you take your own life.As a mother,I am still haunted by that.When a person reaches that place,they actually think their loved ones will be better off without them.They actually think they are loving us by taking themselves out of our lives.The pain will lessen ,but the gaping hole in your heart will stay with you.There is no "secret to getting thru this.By staying apart from other emotionally,she thought she was protecting you.The darkness and hopelessness are so draining,they can't imagine sharing it will not bring the person they are protecting won't be dragged down with them.I pray you will be strong enough to get through this.I have learned that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.A counselor told me,I was not to blame.I was just the one to suffer the consequences to his bad decision.That didn't stop my pain but eventually allowed me to give myself a break from the guilt.I pray you get help if you need it.Remember,people out there LOVE YOU.She surely did too.After 15 yrs I was able to remember how much he loved us,his birth family.Depressed people tend to be very impulsive.Unfortunately,their last decision was not fixable.God love and bless you with a quick recovery.By that I mean I hope it doesn't haunt you for years to come.Peace to you for the funeral.

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Jcooper9, I'm terribly sorry for this loss you now endure and for this fathomless sea of misery you're in.  There isn't much I can add to the wonderful and thoughtful words others have imparted to you. Know that this forum is filled with an uncommon love and compassion for any and all of those mourning the loss of our beloveds. We don't necessarily have "answers", but there is much insight to be gained. 

I will say that her act and her love for you were in no way related. As someone who's seen clinical depression and psychological illness up close, on an intimate level, it is that very insidious nature of depression that creates that kind of thinking. It's completely illogical, yet in the sufferers mind, it makes complete sense. Masking emotions, masking disinterest, perfecting a joyful smile, it's all part of the mechanism. It has nothing to do with us, it has little if nothing to do with "having it all", it's a much deeper, darker and tremendously more complex problem than most people will ever understand. It's a cruel condition, changes people on a fundamental level, personalities change, moods become unpredictable, relationships suffer. Believe me when I tell you that this is NOT how they choose to be. Nobody with Alzheimer's or Parkinson's disease has ever wanted to be sick, mental illness is no different. You aren't to blame, your aren't responsible, and despite your belief otherwise, you couldn't have saved her. I know, guilt comes unwelcome at our door, barging in and taking up residence. Kick it out as soon as you can. It will drag you down and keep you there. You have enough to work through and deal with, don't let this add to it. 

If I have at all offended or perhaps stepped to far, I sincerely apologize. I know what guilt can do and I know a little of how mental illness "operates". Just one moment at a time, one breath, that's all. Don't worry too much about tomorrow right now, it will or won't come for us, we don't have control of that anyway. Take care of yourself, time doesn't "heal" anything, but it does give us the opportunity to cope, to one day accept. Hang on, things will start to "settle". 

Peace and comfort,

Andy

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Jcooper,

thinking of you today as you have her funeral.  Praying for you for strength to get through today.  Know our thoughts are with you.

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Jcooper,

Like all the others on this forum, I, too am wishing you peace to bring you comfort, courage to face the day ahead and memories of her to forever hold in your heart.  I hope you find strength in the love of family and in the warm embrace of friends. 

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22 hours ago, Marcel said:

Maybe she could have made a different choice. But noone can really know except for herself. When my wife committed suicide her family coudn't understand why. Only her daughter and I witnessed her pain. She played it so well for all the others. And even I wouldn't know how bad it really was. All I know is that she was incredibly brave to carry on for such a long time, fighting her desease and trying to be there for the ones she loved. She wanted to leave so many times and continued to struggle until she required full time care. So she decided to leave just before she wouldn't be able to decide for herself anymore.

It's tragic for the ones who are left behind, but I don't think we can judge them. We don't know what they felt, what kind of pain and what kind of distress they suffered from. We can only appreciate the time we had and that they don't have to suffer anymore.

Marcel, 

First of all, I am terribly sorry about the loss of your wife. It's so heartbreaking, and I wish no one had to ever experience losing a loved one to suicide. 

I agree with you, they really are good at putting up a front and hiding their true pain around others. My girlfriend as I mentioned, was always so happy around everyone that no one could have ever imagined her being in so much pain deep down. Us closest to her knew, but even seeing her act happy around others would fool us as well. And then out of nowhere she'd just be feeling so down the next day. It was a huge rollercoaster and I can't imagine what she was actually feeling. 

Thank you for responding to me, I am here for you if you ever wanna talk about your wife too. I just wish it didn't have to end this way from them, feeling like that's the only way out :(

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21 hours ago, KMB said:

Jcooper9, My thoughts and prayers will be with you tomorrow. Funerals are tough to get through. Arrangements, etc are so rushed that a person cannot get their bearings and have time to absorb the trauma of loss. Those first days, weeks, are surreal. You think you are in a nightmare that you cannot wake up from. Take care, we'll be here for you.

Thank you, KMB. 

Im getting ready to head to the funeral now. It's in a little less than an hour. I'm nervous. But thank you for your thoughts and prayers. 

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21 hours ago, Francine said:

Jcooper9

Some people heal after a long time; some never heal.  Don't be surprised if out of nowhere you suddenly experience a surge of grief, even at the most unexpected times. It's normal and in someways, healthy.  Try and stop beating yourself up over something that was out of your control.  You did the best you could; that's all anyone can ask.  It was not your decision to take her from this earth - It was God's decision; and God's decision is always the right decision.

So be confused, it's where you begin to learn new things; bend a little, its where you begin to realize you're not broken;  be frustrated, its where you start to make authentic decisions;  be sad, but know that God sends hope in the most desperate moments.  Be whatever you need to be right now - it's the first steps to healing.

Try not to cry because she's gone; but smile because she lived and loved.  One day, you will remember how lucky you were to have known her love with wonder, not grief.   God can heal a broken heart, but you need to give HIM all the pieces.

Stay strong and know we are here for you; for one another.  God Bless and keep you, keep us all, safe.

Francine,

You know just the right things to say. Your posts have been so comforting to me and have helped me immensely. I believe that God has a plan for everyone and I guess that was the plan for her. I still wish it could have been different though. 

I trust your words and I thank you so much for everything. 

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18 hours ago, crownholder2 said:

Hi Jcooper9.I lost a son when he was 23.He shot himself.He showed no signs of depression.I have suffered with depression and suicidal attempts all my life.My son saw all that.Talk about guilt!Also,I was in the unique position of knowing how he felt when he did it.The biggest pain is knowing the hopelessness that makes you take your own life.As a mother,I am still haunted by that.When a person reaches that place,they actually think their loved ones will be better off without them.They actually think they are loving us by taking themselves out of our lives.The pain will lessen ,but the gaping hole in your heart will stay with you.There is no "secret to getting thru this.By staying apart from other emotionally,she thought she was protecting you.The darkness and hopelessness are so draining,they can't imagine sharing it will not bring the person they are protecting won't be dragged down with them.I pray you will be strong enough to get through this.I have learned that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.A counselor told me,I was not to blame.I was just the one to suffer the consequences to his bad decision.That didn't stop my pain but eventually allowed me to give myself a break from the guilt.I pray you get help if you need it.Remember,people out there LOVE YOU.She surely did too.After 15 yrs I was able to remember how much he loved us,his birth family.Depressed people tend to be very impulsive.Unfortunately,their last decision was not fixable.God love and bless you with a quick recovery.By that I mean I hope it doesn't haunt you for years to come.Peace to you for the funeral.

Crownholder, 

I am so sorry about your son.  That's terrible :( that's the same way my girlfriend did it, she shot herself. But she did show signs of depression unlike your son, but only us closest to her saw her signs. I'm sorry you had to go through that and I'm sorry you've battled depression too. It must be so awful to have to fight that every single day of your life. I can't imagine although I'm scared I will be fighting it now after what's happened.

What you said about them thinking they are actually helping us makes a lot more sense. I just wish it didn't have to be that way and that they didn't have thoughts like that. I wish their decisions were fixable. I wish more than anything I could have taken their pain away. Anyone who has fought that terrible disease, I wish there was a way to just stop the pain. 

Thank you for your respond and sharing what happened to your son. The darkness they dealt with, the pain, the thoughts, I can't say enough how I wish I could have known. We can only see some of it. But it's those who shine the brightest, have the darkest shadows. 

I only hope for a cure for this someday. They don't know how much pain it causes when they end their lives. 

Im here for you anytime you need to talk if you want to. 

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17 hours ago, Andy said:

Jcooper9, I'm terribly sorry for this loss you now endure and for this fathomless sea of misery you're in.  There isn't much I can add to the wonderful and thoughtful words others have imparted to you. Know that this forum is filled with an uncommon love and compassion for any and all of those mourning the loss of our beloveds. We don't necessarily have "answers", but there is much insight to be gained. 

I will say that her act and her love for you were in no way related. As someone who's seen clinical depression and psychological illness up close, on an intimate level, it is that very insidious nature of depression that creates that kind of thinking. It's completely illogical, yet in the sufferers mind, it makes complete sense. Masking emotions, masking disinterest, perfecting a joyful smile, it's all part of the mechanism. It has nothing to do with us, it has little if nothing to do with "having it all", it's a much deeper, darker and tremendously more complex problem than most people will ever understand. It's a cruel condition, changes people on a fundamental level, personalities change, moods become unpredictable, relationships suffer. Believe me when I tell you that this is NOT how they choose to be. Nobody with Alzheimer's or Parkinson's disease has ever wanted to be sick, mental illness is no different. You aren't to blame, your aren't responsible, and despite your belief otherwise, you couldn't have saved her. I know, guilt comes unwelcome at our door, barging in and taking up residence. Kick it out as soon as you can. It will drag you down and keep you there. You have enough to work through and deal with, don't let this add to it. 

If I have at all offended or perhaps stepped to far, I sincerely apologize. I know what guilt can do and I know a little of how mental illness "operates". Just one moment at a time, one breath, that's all. Don't worry too much about tomorrow right now, it will or won't come for us, we don't have control of that anyway. Take care of yourself, time doesn't "heal" anything, but it does give us the opportunity to cope, to one day accept. Hang on, things will start to "settle". 

Peace and comfort,

Andy

Andy, 

I appreciate your response. Thank you so much. You didn't offend me in any way. 

Masking emotions, perfecting a joyful smile, masking disinterest, all those things you mentioned were exactly it. She did all that perfectly. I wish I could understand depression more because it's so hard to imagine it. But yeah you're right, its just like any other disease we don't choose to have. 

I just can't stop thinking about her pain and it hurts me so much. I know it has nothing to do with having it all, but I just didn't understand what was making her so sad. I've known people who have battled depression for different things, all of which my girlfriend had so that's all I wanna know is what was it. What caused her to get sick like that? She wasn't ok and I guess she was just a ticking time bomb, there was no helping her. At least I don't think so even though I feel like I could have maybe done more. 

Thank you again, I'm about to head to the funeral now. I'm nervous and scared. I hope I don't lose it today. 

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4 hours ago, KayC said:

Jcooper,

thinking of you today as you have her funeral.  Praying for you for strength to get through today.  Know our thoughts are with you.

Thank you KayC, I appreciate it. It's about to start soon. I'm sure I'll need some support afterwards. Thanks again for thinking of me. 

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3 hours ago, Francine said:

Jcooper,

Like all the others on this forum, I, too am wishing you peace to bring you comfort, courage to face the day ahead and memories of her to forever hold in your heart.  I hope you find strength in the love of family and in the warm embrace of friends. 

Thank you Francine, 

I am here now, waiting for it to start. I don't know if i can do this. Thank you for thinking of me today. I'm sure I'll need your guys's support later this afternoon. I'm gonna be a mess. 

Thanks again, it means so much. 

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Jcooper, You'll be able to get through today. You'll be doing it for her. Her spirit will be there to bring you love, comfort and strength.

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Jcooper  --  Know we're all with you in spirit and are sending prayers your way.   If it's any consolation, she's going home to be with God and the angels  - without anymore pain.     Keep strong!

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As Francine said, no more pain, no more suffering. Her thoughts are clear, her mind free of whatever terrible "demons" plagued her. It's us who suffer, ultimately, but she will never be harmed, hurt or troubled again. That thought has brought me a measure of comfort since my wife's passing, perhaps it will you. 

Peace my friend,

Andy

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On 5/3/2017 at 0:53 PM, KMB said:

Jcooper, You'll be able to get through today. You'll be doing it for her. Her spirit will be there to bring you love, comfort and strength.

Thank you KMB, 

late response but after the funeral I fell into a deep depression and it hit me way harder than it did prior to the funeral because it was just too real :(

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On 5/3/2017 at 2:51 PM, Andy said:

As Francine said, no more pain, no more suffering. Her thoughts are clear, her mind free of whatever terrible "demons" plagued her. It's us who suffer, ultimately, but she will never be harmed, hurt or troubled again. That thought has brought me a measure of comfort since my wife's passing, perhaps it will you. 

Peace my friend,

Andy

Thank you Andy. 

Thats very true, I do feel comfort and peace knowing that she is in no more pain and free from her demons. I know she's flying high with the angels but she left such a whole in my heart :( I'm so broken. 

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1 hour ago, Jcooper9 said:

Thank you Andy. 

Thats very true, I do feel comfort and peace knowing that she is in no more pain and free from her demons. I know she's flying high with the angels but she left such a whole in my heart :( I'm so broken. 

I totally, 100% understand. Picking up the pieces, trying to fit them back together, only to find that some are missing, perhaps forever, is in itself another loss. Sorrow within sorrow. 

God bless and be safe,

Andy

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Jcooper9,

I'm sorry it was so hard.  I know all too well what that feels like.  Keep coming here, reading, posting, I find it helps to know there's a place where people get it.

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crownholder2

Hi JCooper. I know its been awhile since I was here.I am glad you were able to come back. Depression is nobodies friend and can get quite a hold on you.Please don't allow this to consume you forever.  I am quite sure that is exactly what she WOULDN'T have wanted for you.You are the first person I am replying to after a long season of solitude.Which only made the grief harder and the alone time is so alone.I pray to my Savior that He wrap you in His forcefield of peace and that He alone will be the one to lift that peace when He knows you are ready to deal.As you go through this period please try to smile and remember the good times.It is not a betrayel to feel again.I realize I am saying this 19 yrs after the loss of my son and regretfully,I don't remember when the pain crept into the background. And know that times it will feel as fresh as the first day. I wish I had some words to comfort you but ,alas,there aren't any.I pray you are not alone in this and have loved ones who understand without judgement.If there are none in your real life ,you have cyber friends who will do whatever we can to help you.You may rant and scream and cry and lash out at our Lord but this forum is a safe place to do so.I only wish you could FEEL the cyber hugs we are sending.Barring that I pray there is someone in your life that will understand you are broken at this time but God will repair you and use you to comfort somebody else.All in His time.Trust Him.

Please tell us how you are doing,Here is one of those cyber hugs,a friend,Ruthanne

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Jcooper9,

Hopefully my words and story can shed some light into what happened.
I was a senior in HS when the first person I had ever truly loved broke up with me and went on to tale the entire school every little sexual detail about how my first time with a man was...

It was a humiliating experience. Half of the people I knew couldn't stop gossiping about it and the other half felt incredibly sorry for me and extremely repulsive towards him.
That pretty much set the tone of my love life because from then own I understood two things:
1. that the person you can grow to deeply love can hurt you when their love for you is gone (if it was ever there).
and 2. That loving someone is pretty much letting yourself open for blessings and wounds that might walk with you for the rest of your life....
Fast forward HS, after college and all, I met and married a man who, by all opinions including my own, was a man full of love and tender. He was caring and attentive. Always understanding and reliable....
But the moment we moved into our very own apartment as newly weds thing changed.... He was never physically abusive, but words can hurt deeper than a knife and for the next 5 years I was victim of emotional and mental abuse... Whatever hope I had "happily ever after" with the only man in the entire world that was supposed to protect and love me were shattered... 
I laughed at myself then. There was no happy ever after. There was no "true love". Love, I came to learn from research, was a chemical release of hormones or pheromones that were product of our own primitive nature to bond for the sake of child bearing and raising...
I struggled after that with the meaning of life. I came to question my existence, that of others, my purpose in life, in this earth, in this era. These two events, at a personal level, has let me to venture in the depths of my mind, using all the knowledge I have acquired in school, life, and experiences until one day, after searching for the truth, I asked myself the 100 million question: why bother? Why bother living when the most beautiful part of living is loving and loving can lead you straight to the doors of pain? 
I started going down a dark, very dark spiral of steps and when I realized I had long forgotten my way back I bought myself a less-than-perfect dog. He is short. He will never be a full-size wolf running in the woods, or this brave canine hero who will save me from a stranger. His best defense is to lick someone to death and I am probably giving him too much credit! haha...
But getting him, put in my hands someone that needed me. Someone that loves me unconditionally, that waits for me not matter how late it is at night, or how early i get up....that gave me a fresh wave of strength to stay... I also have my mother who needs me specially now in her decaying years.... but they are all detours.... One day my dog will passed away and so will my mother (more or less she has a terminal disease...) and when that happens I might now have any other thing that needs of me in this existence....
 

In January this year I met someone who, by all odds, I should have never met. He lives in the middle of these beautiful gorgeous mountains, past oceans and oceans of greenery, surrounded by locally grown cheese and eggs... Yes, a country boy... and for him I feel this mature sense of love, peace and calmness. Silence, with him, feels like singing voices. We challenge each other. We push each other to be a better person. We care for each other. We respect each other. we love each other .... but we fight. Like any couple.... problem is that when we do, once every blue moon, I trigger in him his defense mechanism and he triggers in me (in response) that feeling of being alone all over again, in the middle of wounds, suffering and pain.... I feel exposed again. I relieve the pain of being left alone, rejected, of not being good enough, or just enough and this is nothing that he himself has done to have make me feel. But it derives from my old wounds.  My boyfriend has managed to know about my pain but he has yet to fully understand it and last night the feeling of wanting to break things off with him, to wait a couple of months until he has moved on from me and then to finally commit the act that will end all suffering came back to me again and it was unbearable....

If I had done it last night, it wasnt about anything he did to hurt me. Or anything he said. It was about me and my old acceptance that with love comes with pain and not all of us are strong enough to withstand falling over and over again....
And that might be where she was that night after the fight with you. It is a pain that breaks you inside and leaves you not wanting reach others because  you dont want to be a burden, or because you know your love ones have their own problems to worry about or simply because you would like to do what you want to do without anyone stopping you if the day ever comes of you actually doing it...

What can a loved one do to help someone who has passing thoughts of suicide? (these are just a few of them)
1. When you realize that person you love is having these thoughts, it helps greatly if you are able to take the taboo out of it, the preconceived notions of it, the gore out of it. The best you can do is to give yourself permission to talk about suicide as if you would talk about making other decision. When someone says " I want to go to Hawaii on vacation" naturally we would say, "Why Hawaii?" So, if the person you love has attempted or has talked about wanting to end their life, it would help if you ask things like "How come you feel that way?" "When was the first time you felt this way?" "Tell me, how have you been so strong to keep going?"
For me, philosophy is really big. So after I revealed to my country charmed boyfriend of my thoughts, we went into a life, existence and humanity conversation. It help greatly.

2. Understand that it is nothing that you did. You loved one might be battling old wounds that she or he havent fully healed and the longer they live with that weight in their heart, the more sensible they are. Compassion, not judgement, is a good ally.

3.Smiling, putting up a front, helping others because we genuinely would like to end all suffering and pain from humanity, does not mean that we have overcome our past wounds. It means that we have learn how to live with them. Unfortunately, certain things throw us out of balance, and we find ourselves wondering, "why bother?"

What would I had wanted my boyfriend to know had I done it last night:

That I was the luckiest woman in the world for having finally felt what true love felt like with someone like him. That I left this earth with a smile, knowing that I felt loved. That my ultimate choice to end things was because I wanted the pain to be done once and for all. That I would have wanted to stay with him but probably thought that someone stronger than me deserve him better. 
But something that I would have forever regretted: not being able to love him ever again or not having that future we were working towards.

You are right by feeling that she is flying high in the sky like an angel. If she stayed with you for that long, I, even though dont know her, can understand that with you she felt what I felt last night: loved.
NAH.

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