Jcooper9

I lost my girlfriend to suicide

33 posts in this topic

My beautiful girlfriend committed suicide this weekend. I don't know what to do I'm at loss for words. I need someone to vent to please. I've never had to deal with this type of loss. I can't shake the feeling that it was my fault. Please I am dying I can't handle this. 

 

Im adding this so people can know more about it.... 

 

I am 28 years old and she was 26. I met her in June of 2012, almost 5 years ago. We met at the airport while waiting to board our flight. I saw her and I couldn't keep my eyes off of her. I worked up the courage and asked her if she wanted to join me for a drink because our flight was delayed. She smiled and said "sure" so we went to grab some drinks together at the bar by our gate. She was 21 years old at the time and I was 23. We got to talking, we were both heading to Miami, which is where we both lived. I felt a strong connection with her and the chemistry was something I've never felt with anyone before. I was nervous and had butterflies and normally I don't get nervous with girls. We were flying Southwest Airlines so you get to choose your seats, so we sat next to each other. She told me she was in a serious relationship and she had been with him for 2 years. I was bummed because I had never felt the way I did and I thought she noticed the chemistry too, which later she told me she did. 

I asked her for her number when we landed before we got off the plane, since her boyfriend was meeting her at the airport. She gave it to me and I told her I'd love to be friends. The plane ride was just like a movie, I felt like we had just so much in common and we clicked. It made me believe in love at first sight.

We became good friends and talked often for about two years after that, we were Facebook friends too, but we never saw each other that whole time because she didn't want to make her boyfriend mad. They ended up breaking up in 2014. She went through a hard time and I told her I would be there for her. About another 6 months go by after her break up and she finally asks if she can see me. I told her of course. I didn't wanna be the first to ask since she had just gotten out of a 4 year relationship. So we planned a date and we went out. I took her to a nice dinner and then we went out for drinks. It was an amazing first date and she looked beautiful. I was nervous again even though we had kept in touch for so long. We went on like 5 dates until I finally kissed her because I was so nervous. Then about 2 months later we started seeing each other and decided to make it official. So she became my girlfriend. We started dating in 2014 and had been together ever since, so 3 years. 

She had been battling severe depression for years. She would sometimes be fine. She seemed like a happy person to everyone, she was so charming. Her charima, her smile, her personality attracted everyone to her. She would light up every room. No one could have ever thought she was depressed deep down. She had it all and I guess it wasn't enough. She would sometimes have these depressive episodes and they were inexplicable. I would try to be there for her all the time. She attempted suicide before. 

On Saturday we went to a friend's wedding and we got in a fight. She got so upset that she left. She left before the reception and I tried to follow but she didn't let me. I called her over and over and she wouldn't answer. I couldn't get a hold of her. I found out that she went home to her apartment and she shot herself. I'm still trying to process all of this. I can't handle the pain, the guilt, I can't I don't know how I'm gonna go on.

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I'm so very sorry for you loss. You can vent here. We will listen. It's not your fault at all. Please don't blame yourself. The best way to handle this is to talk about it. You've come to the right place. 

Would you like to share your story? How did you meet, how long you dated, what happened? We will be here with you,

ModKonnie

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Thank you so much, ModKonnie. I appreciate your kind words and reply. Yeah I would like to share, it will help me grieve and feel a little better. I'm still in shock and I'm scared about how it's gonna hit me. 

I added it to the first post so that more people can read more about it if they are interested in some of the background of it. 

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2 hours ago, Jcooper9 said:

My beautiful girlfriend committed suicide this weekend. I don't know what to do I'm at loss for words. I need someone to vent to please. I've never had to deal with this type of loss. I can't shake the feeling that it was my fault. Please I am dying I can't handle this. 

I am so sorry for your loss and can only imagine what you must be going through.  When you lose someone you love, it alters your life forever and your heart will be badly broken and you feel hurt, sad, angry, abandoned, rejected or any other emotion linked to the suicide of your loved one.  The bad news is that you will never *get over* the loss; but the good news is that she will live in your broken heart that never seals back up.  You eventually will come through this loss; it's like a wound that never heals, it will hurt, the scab will drop off, but the scar will be there forever.

I can only imagine the pain your girlfriend must have been going through.  I can only imagine the hopelessness she felt and wanting nothing more than the pain to end. Sometimes people who commit suicide can't imagine the pain ever going away or cannot see the light at the end of the very dark and lonely tunnel they have found themselves traveling down.  I'm sorry she couldn't tell anyone how she was really feeling; I'm sorry she did not get the effective treatment she needed; or perhaps she couldn't find the right words to tell people and make them understand what she was going through.  I'm sorry that her pain was more than her willingness to live.

There are things that we don't want to happen, but have to accept; things we don't want to know, but have to learn, and people we just can't live without, but have to let go.  Some of the most comforting words in the universe are "me too"  That moment when you find out that your struggle is also someone else's struggle; that you are not alone, and that others have and are going down the same road as you.

I hope you continue to post.  We are all on this horrible journey together and together will get through this. At the end of the day, all you need is Hope and Strength.  Hope that is will get better and Strength to hold on until it does.  God bless and keep you, keep us all, safe. 

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8 minutes ago, Francine said:

I am so sorry for your loss and can only imagine what you must be going through.  When you lose someone you love, it alters your life forever and your heart will be badly broken and you feel hurt, sad, angry, abandoned, rejected or any other emotion linked to the suicide of your loved one.  The bad news is that you will never *get over* the loss; but the good news is that she will live in your broken heart that never seals back up.  You eventually will come through this loss; it's like a wound that never heals, it will hurt, the scab will drop off, but the scar will be there forever.

I can only imagine the pain your girlfriend must have been going through.  I can only imagine the hopelessness she felt and wanting nothing more than the pain to end. Sometimes people who commit suicide can't imagine the pain ever going away or cannot see the light at the end of the very dark and lonely tunnel they have found themselves traveling down.  I'm sorry she couldn't tell anyone how she was really feeling; I'm sorry she did not get the effective treatment she needed; or perhaps she couldn't find the right words to tell people and make them understand what she was going through.  I'm sorry that her pain was more than her willingness to live.

There are things that we don't want to happen, but have to accept; things we don't want to know, but have to learn, and people we just can't live without, but have to let go.  Some of the most comforting words in the universe are "me too"  That moment when you find out that your struggle is also someone else's struggle; that you are not alone, and that others have and are going down the same road as you.

I hope you continue to post.  We are all on this horrible journey together and together will get through this. At the end of the day, all you need is Hope and Strength.  Hope that is will get better and Strength to hold on until it does.  God bless and keep you, keep us all, safe. 

Francine, 

you have no idea how much your beautiful words mean to me. Thank you for that, it truly helps. I know I'll never get over it but you gave me hope that I will someday heal. Right now it just seems unreal. I feel like I'm asleep and having a nightmare that I can't wake up from. It breaks my heart and tears me apart to know that she was suffering as much as she was while wearing a facade for so long. I don't understand what could have made her feel that way when she had everything a girl could ever want. Amazing personality, drop dead gorgeous, intelligent, successful, had me who was madly in love with her, had friends that loved her, people who looked up to her. She was a role model. She had everything and yet she didn't feel like it was enough. 

I will definitely keep posting. This has helped me so much already, just to be able to come here and vent.

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Jcooper9, We are all on this journey together, even though we are on separate, individual paths. I am deeply sorry for your loss. Losing someone we love is devastating enough, but losing someone who made the conscience choice of ending their life speaks volumes of the mental anguish they were in and the helplessness of the loved ones left behind. I've been impacted by suicide twice in my life. The first time, it was someone I loved as a friend when I was in my early 20's. I didn't learn of his passing until a few months later. It took awhile for me to process it and I still think of him to this day. The second time was just a few years ago and involved a friend of the family. The attempt was not successful, thank God, but required surgery, rehab and many months of therapy. This friend is deeply appreciative of his second chance to live and is doing well.

You were led to this forum by your soul. This is a safe place to vent, cry, release the emotions you are feeling. Francine gave you some wonderful, comforting words, so I won't repeat.  My heart felt thoughts are right behind hers.

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6 minutes ago, KMB said:

Jcooper9, We are all on this journey together, even though we are on separate, individual paths. I am deeply sorry for your loss. Losing someone we love is devastating enough, but losing someone who made the conscience choice of ending their life speaks volumes of the mental anguish they were in and the helplessness of the loved ones left behind. I've been impacted by suicide twice in my life. The first time, it was someone I loved as a friend when I was in my early 20's. I didn't learn of his passing until a few months later. It took awhile for me to process it and I still think of him to this day. The second time was just a few years ago and involved a friend of the family. The attempt was not successful, thank God, but required surgery, rehab and many months of therapy. This friend is deeply appreciative of his second chance to live and is doing well.

You were led to this forum by your soul. This is a safe place to vent, cry, release the emotions you are feeling. Francine gave you some wonderful, comforting words, so I won't repeat.  My heart felt thoughts are right behind hers.

Thanks for responding too. I appreciate all the people who respond and give me advice and kind words. I appreciate it more than you know.

I am deeply sorry you've had to deal with suicide as well. It is heart wrenching. I have dealt with death in the past, but suicide is a little different because you feel like there is something you could have done. I feel sick to my stomach. I just wish I could have made her stay here and fight through it. I would have been there every step of the way. I just don't know how I will heal from this. It doesn't feel real. I never thought she would actually do it. I should have watched her closely and been more attentive. She had previous attempts. I failed her. I cant believe I wasn't more careful about letting her be alone. My heard has been ripped out of my chest.

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Jcooper9. It is not your fault. You did not fail her. You had no way of knowing at the time of what she was going to do. She was totally responsible for the choice she made. She could have made the choice to reach out for help, but unfortunately she didn't. This might sound harsh, but she failed herself.  She must have been in such mental pain that she wasn't aware of the pain and devastation she would be leaving behind. As you mentioned, she had everything another person would probably covet to have. For whatever reasons, she didn't see herself as others did.Her pain was such that she couldn't see how much she was loved by you and family and friends. It is impossible to velcroe yourself to someone who is depressive and has made previous attempts at ending their life. We have our own lives to attend to and you did nothing wrong in going about living your own life.

My heart aches for your girlfriend and her loss of life. She would have had a great life with you and the love you gave her. My heart aches for you in losing her and your future you were planning.

You are not alone in your pain, even though there will be times you will feel that way. Jump on the forum here and let it out when you need to. Someone will be reading, listening and responding. Maybe not immediately, but in a short time someone is usually online. I wish you peace, love and comfort.

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KMB, 

thanks for that. I guess you're right, she did fail herself. Aside from being absolutely destroyed by what she did I am also so mad at her. She could have made a different choice. She wasn't thinking straight. In her state of mind I'm sure she wasn't thinking about anything else. 

Us closest to her knew she was depressed. Not everyone but mainly me and her best friend, and her parents. I also know she was taking strong sedatives to knock her out when she was in her depressive states because she didn't wanna deal with the pain. But she would never tell what was causing her so much pain and that's what hurts me so much. 

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Jcooper9, I truly feel sorry for your girlfriend. As humans, we only get this one shot to live this life, which was given as a gift to us. I don't know what the medical, professional protocols of treatment for depression are. I do question the sedatives though. Why prescribe sedatives to someone who has made previous suicidal attempts?  I don't have the understanding or knowledge behind that question. Was she receiving any type of therapy counseling?

It is alright to be angry. Anger is an emotion all of us here are familiar with. We are angry, for a time, with the person who left us. It doesn't matter the means by how they left this life, be it suicide, illness, disease or some form of accident. Anger is part of the grieving, the pain. We get angry because we miss them and want them back. We get angry because we lost a part of ourselves and the life we had with that person. We get angry at the unfairness of life. For those who are of faith, we get angry at God for allowing this loss to happen. Eventually, the anger dissolves when our minds begin absorbing and adjusting to our loss. You will be coping with many different emotions and everything you experience is a part of the process. I am so sorry you are dealing with this tragedy. You are so young to have to be dealing with the loss of your love. I wish I could take away your pain but alas, there is nothing anyone can say or do to reverse what happened.

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30 minutes ago, KMB said:

Jcooper9, I truly feel sorry for your girlfriend. As humans, we only get this one shot to live this life, which was given as a gift to us. I don't know what the medical, professional protocols of treatment for depression are. I do question the sedatives though. Why prescribe sedatives to someone who has made previous suicidal attempts?  I don't have the understanding or knowledge behind that question. Was she receiving any type of therapy counseling?

 

KMB, 

I don't know if she was prescribed that or not. She was taking rohypnol. She never told me where she would get it from or even that she was taking it, i just would see it and ask her about it and she said that she'd use it for insomnia when she can't sleep which was a lie. She was not in counseling  or trying to get any help for her depression. She was not on anti depressants. I don't know why nobody including me, didn't make her go seek medical help. She was diagnosed with depression and anxiety but she never took the steps to get help after that. And if she was being prescribed the sedative, knowing that she had a mental illness I'm gonna be livid. 

I just wish I could get inside her head and know what was going on with her because I could only see so much. 

when she was around people she acted like the happiest girl. I would see a huge smile on her face and she would be so lively and outgoing and had this charisma that just drew people in. But behind closed doors she was a sad, depressed, almost unstable person who you'd never imagine was the same person. Depression is the devil and people don't take it seriously. 

Everyone else that didn't know she was suffering is in complete shock and can't wrap their brains around it. Others super close to her say they are not surprise because she just did not want to live. 

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I am so sorry for your loss.  I do hope you realize that this is not your fault.  Depression is a very hard disease, hard enough for the professionals to help with, let alone us lay people.  I have known someone who commit suicide, he also had everything going for him and was getting professional help, but didn't feel he could hold on any longer because he took his life, it was on the weekend.  

My heart goes out to you.  I hope something in the following articles will be of help to you.
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/11/surviving-spouses-suicide.html 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/grief-support-for-survivors-of-suicide.html 

 

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KayC, 

thank you so much for taking the time to write to me and help me feel a little better. I truly appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. I will check out those articles and keep posting on here, everyone has been absolutely incredible. 

I am also deeply sorry for your loss, I wish you the best and I hope your healing process is peaceful. Suicide is so devastating and I wish it would stop. But like you said, it's even hard for professionals, unfortunately. 

My heart goes out to you too, and if you need someone to talk to you can reach out to me. Thank you again, I really really appreciate the kind words, thoughts, prayers, advice, etc. 

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My loss (friend to suicide) was many years ago, but I remember all too well like it was yesterday, I guess that's how death is, it's so jarring.  From that point on everything falls into "before" or "after" that point in time.

I do hope you'll continue to come here, when my husband died, I don't know how I could have made it without my grief forum.

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2 hours ago, KayC said:

My loss (friend to suicide) was many years ago, but I remember all too well like it was yesterday, I guess that's how death is, it's so jarring.  From that point on everything falls into "before" or "after" that point in time.

I do hope you'll continue to come here, when my husband died, I don't know how I could have made it without my grief forum.

Yeah I'm sure that even if it was years ago, it must still feel like yesertday. I know this will affect my whole life. It's been about 3 days and I'm still in shock. The reality will probably set at her funeral which is going to be tomorrow. 

Im so sorry you lost your husband. I feel so sad for you, but I'm glad this forum has helped you. I'm so glad you have support here. 

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19 hours ago, Jcooper9 said:

Aside from being absolutely destroyed by what she did I am also so mad at her. She could have made a different choice.

Maybe she could have made a different choice. But noone can really know except for herself. When my wife committed suicide her family coudn't understand why. Only her daughter and I witnessed her pain. She played it so well for all the others. And even I wouldn't know how bad it really was. All I know is that she was incredibly brave to carry on for such a long time, fighting her desease and trying to be there for the ones she loved. She wanted to leave so many times and continued to struggle until she required full time care. So she decided to leave just before she wouldn't be able to decide for herself anymore.

It's tragic for the ones who are left behind, but I don't think we can judge them. We don't know what they felt, what kind of pain and what kind of distress they suffered from. We can only appreciate the time we had and that they don't have to suffer anymore.

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Jcooper9, My thoughts and prayers will be with you tomorrow. Funerals are tough to get through. Arrangements, etc are so rushed that a person cannot get their bearings and have time to absorb the trauma of loss. Those first days, weeks, are surreal. You think you are in a nightmare that you cannot wake up from. Take care, we'll be here for you.

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12 hours ago, Jcooper9 said:

I just don't know how I will heal from this. It doesn't feel real. I never thought she would actually do it. I should have watched her closely and been more attentive. She had previous attempts. I failed her. I cant believe I wasn't more careful about letting her be alone. My heard has been ripped out of my chest.

Jcooper9

Some people heal after a long time; some never heal.  Don't be surprised if out of nowhere you suddenly experience a surge of grief, even at the most unexpected times. It's normal and in someways, healthy.  Try and stop beating yourself up over something that was out of your control.  You did the best you could; that's all anyone can ask.  It was not your decision to take her from this earth - It was God's decision; and God's decision is always the right decision.

So be confused, it's where you begin to learn new things; bend a little, its where you begin to realize you're not broken;  be frustrated, its where you start to make authentic decisions;  be sad, but know that God sends hope in the most desperate moments.  Be whatever you need to be right now - it's the first steps to healing.

Try not to cry because she's gone; but smile because she lived and loved.  One day, you will remember how lucky you were to have known her love with wonder, not grief.   God can heal a broken heart, but you need to give HIM all the pieces.

Stay strong and know we are here for you; for one another.  God Bless and keep you, keep us all, safe.

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Hi Jcooper9.I lost a son when he was 23.He shot himself.He showed no signs of depression.I have suffered with depression and suicidal attempts all my life.My son saw all that.Talk about guilt!Also,I was in the unique position of knowing how he felt when he did it.The biggest pain is knowing the hopelessness that makes you take your own life.As a mother,I am still haunted by that.When a person reaches that place,they actually think their loved ones will be better off without them.They actually think they are loving us by taking themselves out of our lives.The pain will lessen ,but the gaping hole in your heart will stay with you.There is no "secret to getting thru this.By staying apart from other emotionally,she thought she was protecting you.The darkness and hopelessness are so draining,they can't imagine sharing it will not bring the person they are protecting won't be dragged down with them.I pray you will be strong enough to get through this.I have learned that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.A counselor told me,I was not to blame.I was just the one to suffer the consequences to his bad decision.That didn't stop my pain but eventually allowed me to give myself a break from the guilt.I pray you get help if you need it.Remember,people out there LOVE YOU.She surely did too.After 15 yrs I was able to remember how much he loved us,his birth family.Depressed people tend to be very impulsive.Unfortunately,their last decision was not fixable.God love and bless you with a quick recovery.By that I mean I hope it doesn't haunt you for years to come.Peace to you for the funeral.

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Jcooper9, I'm terribly sorry for this loss you now endure and for this fathomless sea of misery you're in.  There isn't much I can add to the wonderful and thoughtful words others have imparted to you. Know that this forum is filled with an uncommon love and compassion for any and all of those mourning the loss of our beloveds. We don't necessarily have "answers", but there is much insight to be gained. 

I will say that her act and her love for you were in no way related. As someone who's seen clinical depression and psychological illness up close, on an intimate level, it is that very insidious nature of depression that creates that kind of thinking. It's completely illogical, yet in the sufferers mind, it makes complete sense. Masking emotions, masking disinterest, perfecting a joyful smile, it's all part of the mechanism. It has nothing to do with us, it has little if nothing to do with "having it all", it's a much deeper, darker and tremendously more complex problem than most people will ever understand. It's a cruel condition, changes people on a fundamental level, personalities change, moods become unpredictable, relationships suffer. Believe me when I tell you that this is NOT how they choose to be. Nobody with Alzheimer's or Parkinson's disease has ever wanted to be sick, mental illness is no different. You aren't to blame, your aren't responsible, and despite your belief otherwise, you couldn't have saved her. I know, guilt comes unwelcome at our door, barging in and taking up residence. Kick it out as soon as you can. It will drag you down and keep you there. You have enough to work through and deal with, don't let this add to it. 

If I have at all offended or perhaps stepped to far, I sincerely apologize. I know what guilt can do and I know a little of how mental illness "operates". Just one moment at a time, one breath, that's all. Don't worry too much about tomorrow right now, it will or won't come for us, we don't have control of that anyway. Take care of yourself, time doesn't "heal" anything, but it does give us the opportunity to cope, to one day accept. Hang on, things will start to "settle". 

Peace and comfort,

Andy

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Jcooper,

thinking of you today as you have her funeral.  Praying for you for strength to get through today.  Know our thoughts are with you.

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Jcooper,

Like all the others on this forum, I, too am wishing you peace to bring you comfort, courage to face the day ahead and memories of her to forever hold in your heart.  I hope you find strength in the love of family and in the warm embrace of friends. 

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22 hours ago, Marcel said:

Maybe she could have made a different choice. But noone can really know except for herself. When my wife committed suicide her family coudn't understand why. Only her daughter and I witnessed her pain. She played it so well for all the others. And even I wouldn't know how bad it really was. All I know is that she was incredibly brave to carry on for such a long time, fighting her desease and trying to be there for the ones she loved. She wanted to leave so many times and continued to struggle until she required full time care. So she decided to leave just before she wouldn't be able to decide for herself anymore.

It's tragic for the ones who are left behind, but I don't think we can judge them. We don't know what they felt, what kind of pain and what kind of distress they suffered from. We can only appreciate the time we had and that they don't have to suffer anymore.

Marcel, 

First of all, I am terribly sorry about the loss of your wife. It's so heartbreaking, and I wish no one had to ever experience losing a loved one to suicide. 

I agree with you, they really are good at putting up a front and hiding their true pain around others. My girlfriend as I mentioned, was always so happy around everyone that no one could have ever imagined her being in so much pain deep down. Us closest to her knew, but even seeing her act happy around others would fool us as well. And then out of nowhere she'd just be feeling so down the next day. It was a huge rollercoaster and I can't imagine what she was actually feeling. 

Thank you for responding to me, I am here for you if you ever wanna talk about your wife too. I just wish it didn't have to end this way from them, feeling like that's the only way out :(

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21 hours ago, KMB said:

Jcooper9, My thoughts and prayers will be with you tomorrow. Funerals are tough to get through. Arrangements, etc are so rushed that a person cannot get their bearings and have time to absorb the trauma of loss. Those first days, weeks, are surreal. You think you are in a nightmare that you cannot wake up from. Take care, we'll be here for you.

Thank you, KMB. 

Im getting ready to head to the funeral now. It's in a little less than an hour. I'm nervous. But thank you for your thoughts and prayers. 

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21 hours ago, Francine said:

Jcooper9

Some people heal after a long time; some never heal.  Don't be surprised if out of nowhere you suddenly experience a surge of grief, even at the most unexpected times. It's normal and in someways, healthy.  Try and stop beating yourself up over something that was out of your control.  You did the best you could; that's all anyone can ask.  It was not your decision to take her from this earth - It was God's decision; and God's decision is always the right decision.

So be confused, it's where you begin to learn new things; bend a little, its where you begin to realize you're not broken;  be frustrated, its where you start to make authentic decisions;  be sad, but know that God sends hope in the most desperate moments.  Be whatever you need to be right now - it's the first steps to healing.

Try not to cry because she's gone; but smile because she lived and loved.  One day, you will remember how lucky you were to have known her love with wonder, not grief.   God can heal a broken heart, but you need to give HIM all the pieces.

Stay strong and know we are here for you; for one another.  God Bless and keep you, keep us all, safe.

Francine,

You know just the right things to say. Your posts have been so comforting to me and have helped me immensely. I believe that God has a plan for everyone and I guess that was the plan for her. I still wish it could have been different though. 

I trust your words and I thank you so much for everything. 

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