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I've been cheated out of happiness


Jfupholife

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Jfupholife

Today marks 4 months since my world ended. My happiness, my meaning of life, my soulmate, best friend, my world, my everything. I feel like I was cheated out of my happiness. My husband and I were driving to breakfast before starting work (same office) 12/30/16. Planning what to do for New Years Eve the following day. Discussing what wine we were going to buy from Bevmo.

Planning to start a family and possibly purchasing something at the end of 2017; just getting our lives set for a perfect future after 11 amazing years of marriage and then some motherf#%^*~ decided he didn't know how to drive that day and demolished our car. My poor Rudy died on impact from severe whiplash and I was knocked unconscious and rushed to the hospital. I was instantly cheated out of my happiness and didn't even see it coming. I honestly do not know how I make it everyday; let alone 4 months later. No, it doesn't get easier; no one tells you all the responsibilites that come with loosing someone. You don't just get to sit at home and grieve and let everything else go. You have an entire "to do" list that you have to take care of instantly before you even attempt to start the grieving process and no one tells you how to do any of it. Society wants time to pass as they stay away from fear of upsetting you and then you're left to deal with all of it on your own. How fair is that? Where do you go from here? I'm only 32, I still have so many years left of love to give and he's not here anymore to receive it from me. :(

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Jfupholife, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. Today is also the 4 month mark for me, when my beloved Pat passed away suddenly from a heart attack. It is the worse thing I have ever gone through in my life. I don't feel any "better" 4 months later but the grief is just "different" now. I miss him constantly. I know that will never go away. I try to focus on the gratitude. We were so lucky to have finally found each other and the happiness, joy, and contentment of being together. Some people are not lucky enough to have ever experienced that in their life . Hang on. Keep talking to people. Keep grieving. Keep remembering the love you still have for him and will always have for him. We are all here trying to figure this out together. 

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Jfupholife. I don't know what to say, except how deeply sorry I am. Words can sometimes seem so meaningless, but the right thoughts are behind them. I love your photo. It clearly shows the love and happiness you two shared. It doesn't get *better* but it does evolve into something different, *easier* if you will. Words are never adequate terms for expressing feelings. I didn't believe people saying those things to me in the early months either. but, the evolving process does happen. Very slowly, so slowly we are not fully conscience of it, but it does happen. Our bodies and minds have a will of survival .Our hearts are another matter though. Our heart is always going to love and grieve for our loss. You are among people here who understand. We are all here to share our stories, lift up and encourage each other.

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I am so sorry for your loss.  From the picture, (which is beautiful) I can sense the love you both shard for one another.  Sometimes I just don't get why bad things happen to good beautiful people and the "not so good" people, seems to live long unproductive lives.   You only just begun to live your lives; and to have this happen is just,  inconceivable.  If it is any consolation, I hope you find some comfort in knowing your Rudy did not suffer.  I've come to realize nothing in life prepares us for losing someone we love - nothing. I get it when you say you've been 'cheated out of happiness'; I felt the same as you and I was blessed to have been with my Charles for nearly 45 years.   Whatever amount of time we are allowed to be together on this earth is never enough; but in my opinion, the quality of love you shared outweight the quantity of loved shared. And given the short amount of time you shared together, you loved a lifetime.

Know that Rudy is always with you in spirit.  When someone you love dies, you never quite get over it; you just learn to slowly go on without them; but always keeping them tucked safety away within your heart.  Sometimes we have to experience things we don't understand just so God can bring us to the place where HE needs us to be.  God has placed you where you're at in this very moment for a reason; nothing can happen without God's permission and God will not allow a difficulty unless HE as a divine purpose for it. 

I like to think our lives are nothing more than a love story; between us and God; nothing more.  Every person, every experience, every gift, every loss, every pain is sent to our paths for one reason and one reason only - to bring us back to HIM.  Often times God calms the storm, but sometimes, HE lets the storm rage and calms HIS children. The sun is always brightest after the storm.

I know it's difficult, but if faith is a part of your life, surround yourself with people who understand and support your religious beliefs.  Trust in God and HE will bring you out better than you were before.

 

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My heart aches for you.  I am so sorry for your tragic loss, Jfupholife.  I understand your pain and emotions as my partner too was killed by a careless driver.  Like you and your beautiful Rudy, we were also full of dreams and plans and looking forward to the next chapter in our lives - retirement in our case.  

Life becomes unbelievably tough when your soul-mate is torn from your life so traumatically and suddenly due to someone elses careless behaviour, and even more so when that someone does not take responsibility for having done so.

Shock may still be shielding you from even more intense pain and other strong emotions so it is good you have found us here at Indigo at this stage on your grief journey.  What they call the secondary losses, can start kicking in around this time. 

Nobody but someone who has suffered the loss of a much loved spouse could possibly understand the pain and adjustments our minds, bodies and souls are going through.  Sadly, the posters here, know and understand it all too well.  We truly couldn't be amongst more caring, loving or wiser people.  They so generously and honestly share their journey and experiences and we, who are new to the grief journey,  can learn much from them.  

Sending strength and lots of hugs, Jfupholife. Xx

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I am so sorry for your loss.  You are my kids' age...I have a son 33 and a daughter 34.  Such a horrid thing for someone so young to have to go through.  It's hard enough when you're older, but gosh, it feels like you were ripped out of life!

You're right, it's so hard to deal with all the "stuff" we have to attend to when we lose our spouse, when we don't even want to get out of bed!  It's hard to continue and I could not have done it without my grief forum.  I hope you'll continue to come here and read and post because it really does help to know there are those listening that have been there and "get it".  

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bradley1985
On 5/1/2017 at 2:35 AM, Jfupholife said:

Planning to start a family and possibly purchasing something at the end of 2017; just getting our lives set for a perfect future after 11 amazing years of marriage and then some motherf#%^*~ decided he didn't know how to drive that day and demolished our car. My poor Rudy died on impact from severe whiplash and I was knocked unconscious and rushed to the hospital. I was instantly cheated out of my happiness and didn't even see it coming. I honestly do not know how I make it everyday; let alone 4 months later. No, it doesn't get easier; no one tells you all the responsibilites that come with loosing someone.

I am sorry you lost your soulmate at a young age.  Same here.  Its not getting any easier for me either.  As with you we were just getting our lives set for a perfect or at least a good future.  We finally met our goals for living abroad the week my wife suddenly died.  She was 33.  We had a whole life to look forward too.  A life I had looked forward to all my life.  I too, feel cheated.  I dont have additional responsibilities but now I have to do everything we did together (we both worked on our company) alone.  Every day, basically every minute I am either in tears or angry.  My wife was the one for me.  six years together and 17 months of marriage.  Thats all I got.   The "we had 40 wonderful years together" doesnt apply to me.  Just lonliness, disbelief, and anger with 25-35 years left empty where I had dream for those years.

I  have an article I need to locate that wont directly help with his death, but it will help you know how hard it is to lose someone at your age and make it more difficult for people to minimize your feelings.  you are just a few years out of the bracket for the most life threatening female age bracket to lose a spouse.  This is because the "out of place" "sudden" loss creates an isolation issue in younger people that cause additional issues.  For example, disease will kill young widows seven times more frequently than their married counterparts. When I find the link I will post it.  In the meantime remember you are not alone. 

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Jfupholife

Thank you all for your kind words; I really appreciate what everyone shared with me. It's been a rough journey thus far and I'm sure it will get worse before it gets any better with all my "firsts". Tomorrow would have been my hubbys 34th birthday and all I really wanna do is lock myself away in my room and never come out but I know I can't do that. I'll regret not doing anything at all. I bought him a birthday card and a cake and my inlaws and I are going to attempt to celebrate him so we will see how the day goes.

The following weekend would have been our 12 year anniversary so I have to prepare for that too. I just wish I could freeze time and stop this pain from happening but that would only delay the innevitable so gotta keep pushing forward I guess because what other choice do we have right?!? 

I wish everyone a great weekend and Happy Memorial Day because not only are we remembering the brave fallen; we are also remembering the ones we've lost. Our loves, our lives, our never agains :(

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Will be thinking of you and praying for you for tomorrow and into next weekend. The *firsts* are extremely sad. You have the courage to make it. Celebrating your husband's life instead of focusing on his loss will make him proud. Wishing you a good Memorial Day weekend also. Everyone deserves our prayers.  (HUGS)

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I'm thinking of you as you honor your husband on today,his birthday, and will be thinking of you next weekend also.  I believe in prayer and will hold you up in prayer, I know how hard these days are.

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On 5/27/2017 at 2:43 PM, Jfupholife said:

Thank you all for your kind words; I really appreciate what everyone shared with me. It's been a rough journey thus far and I'm sure it will get worse before it gets any better with all my "firsts". Tomorrow would have been my hubbys 34th birthday and all I really wanna do is lock myself away in my room and never come out but I know I can't do that. I'll regret not doing anything at all. I bought him a birthday card and a cake and my inlaws and I are going to attempt to celebrate him so we will see how the day goes.

The following weekend would have been our 12 year anniversary so I have to prepare for that too. I just wish I could freeze time and stop this pain from happening but that would only delay the innevitable so gotta keep pushing forward I guess because what other choice do we have right?!? 

I wish everyone a great weekend and Happy Memorial Day because not only are we remembering the brave fallen; we are also remembering the ones we've lost. Our loves, our lives, our never agains :(

Hoping your day is going as well as can be expected and I'm happy you decided to celebrate his life and not mourn his death.  Reminds me of my anniversary (in April) and our wedding anniversary (in May). I had this perceived notion that both days were going to be horrible, sad, tear jekers and I actually dreaded both days.  If I could I would have slept both days straight through.  To my surprise, it was just the opposite.  The family and I celebrated both days in good fashion and they both turned out quite well.  Sometime the best thing we can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess.  Just breathe, have faith that everything will work out for the best, and trust that it will - with God, that so possible and ighly probable.

Thinking of you today and sending prayers and hugs your way!

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46 minutes ago, Francine said:

Sometime the best thing we can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess.  Just breathe, have faith that everything will work out for the best

So true!  I've found that anticipation of something we dread is worse than it itself!

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4 minutes ago, KayC said:

So true!  I've found that anticipation of something we dread is worse than it itself!

Amen to that!

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