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Aaron1002

3 months and counting

6 posts in this topic

It has been 3 months since my mother-in-law passed away and i am doing everything I can to support my wife of 25 years. I am ready for this to go on for a year or more. 

I am also going through a very stressful work situation. This morning, for the first time in 3 months, i vented my stresss and distress. My wife was quiet and then began crying and said "my sadness is always just under the surface and I saw a bunch of mother's day stuff in the newspaper."

So I shifted back to support mode. But I am depressed. I cannot expect or rely on my wife to provide any emotional support for me. I don't mean to be unempathic, but I am human too. So bummed. 

Edited by Aaron1002
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I am so sorry for the loss of your mother in law. Obviously, it's going to take some time for your wife to regain her footing and move forward. Losing a mother is so traumatic. You sound like a great guy and very supportive. Perhaps it would help you to look for a professional counselor or a close friend or a relative to talk to. Sometimes being the support mode person is very tough. Venting is necessary. 

You can vent here. We will listen. What is your stressful work situation? 

ModKonnie

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Thanks for your response. It is nice to hear. Well, I will vent just a bit. I took a new leadership position that is requiring me to institute a number of major changes to the program I run. These are big and there is inertia and occasional resistance from entrenched employees, but that is really manageable and expected. The bigger stress for me is that every action has a reaction...and another and another. So as I am implementing changes there are so many additional issues, tasks, and contingencies that emerge to deal with that every week my inbox is piling up faster than my outbox and I'm overwhelmed at times. It feels like the process is endless.

But my first priority is my wife. So each morning and evening I pay attention to how she's doing. Is it a better day or a bad day. Some days seem almost normal. But, there are so many reminders of her mom and her mom's passing. If it's a bad day, I try to be as supportive as I can, but sometimes mustering up the patience and empathy is hard when I am stressed and trying to manage it all myself. I will certainly try to find some support elsewhere (like here!), but she is my best friend and my soul mate. It's hard to see her suffer and it's hard to not be getting any emotional support back from her. Sunday mornings are very difficult because her mom passed on a Sunday morning. But that is also one of the few times during the week that we have time to really be together. But every Sunday is a bad day so far and it quickly requires empathy, listening, and trying to comfort her. I get that. It's a responsibility I accept. But it also means I can't vent or seek support, and we are not as physically affectionate either. I am ok. I tell myself it's a long process and right now my needs are not the priority. I accept it but I am becoming more depressed as time goes on. Yet, I fear communicating this to her. Hence, I've joined this site.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

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I am not sure what to do. It is Saturday morning. I just finished a week of long days at work. I am exhausted. This morning I tried to say something to my wife that I thought would be helpful. She misinterpreted it got mad and copped an angry attitude. After 30 minutes I tried explaining where I was coming from and what I intended to convey with my comment. She pretty much just ignored it, dug in her heals and said she saw it differently. So I chose to express my hurt feelings. As soon as I do her eyes tear up and she says I am being unreasonable. We have parted ways for the day. She has an event til mid day and I don't want to be here when she gets back.

I am not allowed to be human, to be honest, to have feelings. All I am supposed to do is listen, support, and keep everything inside. As soon as I express anything my wife's grief surfaces and I become the bad guy. I love her with all my heart, but this is getting hard. Do I really have to stuff all my feelings and say nothing for the foreseeable future? Despite 5 long days this week, I am going to my office because I don't want to be here when she gets back. 

I only have 1 request of her: please be kind to me. Is that really too much to ask? 

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Dear Aaron,

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. Its still very early days in your wife's grief. Its very hard to lose a parent. There are so many raw emotions. I'm sure she doesn't mean to lash out, but this is part of her grief journey.

I would suggest the following websites that might help you understand where your wife is coming from. What's Your Grief and the Grief Healing Blog.

Maybe for yourself consider a family therapist, grief counsellor or joining a support group in the community or through church. Grief is horrific. So we all need to access all the help and supports we can find.

Take care. Thinking of you and your family during this difficult time.

 

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Thsnks for the suggested websites. I hope they are better than this one. There is no activity or support here (unless you have lost a pet apparently). Very disappointing. I will be moving on.

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