Jump to content
Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
  • Announcements

    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
M88

Weighed down with responsibilities.

Recommended Posts

Tomorrow it will be 68 long weeks, 476 days since my darling man was killed horrifically by a careless driver but it is only recently that I've come to feel the full weight of the responsibilites his death has left me with.  He and I had such a loving, contented, quiet, relatively problem free life.  What I wouldn't give to have him and that life back!   I have never needed him more than I do now.  This horrendous grief journey and step-family problems are really starting to take it's toll on me. 

Recently the authorities inadvertently become involved in a problem within my step-family.  It was very distressing and I found myself reeling with shock yet again.  I now see the authorities involvement as a good thing. I had been carrying a heavy burden alone as my other step-children, both in their 30's and with families of their own, minimised the worrying issue.  That burden has now been shared and documented but it won't stop me worrying - but the worry will not be so all-consuming, as it had been.  I have had counselling and am receiving good support from various professionals.  

Something lovely happened mid week.  Two of my oldest school friends (50 years of friendship come June) came for a couple of days.  Because they live thousands of miles away we don't catch up often. Their company couldn't have come at a better time. There were plenty of tears but some laughter too as we tripped down memory lane.  You can't beat old friends with whom you share a long history.  In our younger days we flatted together at various times here and in Australia. 

Then on Friday disappointing news - the date of the trial may be pushed out.  I spent time last evening with friends which was ok at the time, but horrible coming home to my empty home. I spent a miserable night missing my darling and listening and crying to Anne Murray music. 

I hope I can get back to living just in the day - no stressing about what problems may occur tomorrow and hopefully now, way less ruminating on problems over which I have no control.  Maybe I will make it up to my daughters this week. 

Sending strength and hugs to all. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

M88, yes, life in our world has taken enough from us, having even more to consume our nerves is the last thing we need. It sounds like the visit from your long time friends was very timely. It's those brief moments that help get us through that vast expanse of time filled with grief and loneliness. Since my wife's passing, I've had a very significant event unexpectedly happen within my family, and the timing is a dual edged sword. It has dramatically increased the stress and anxiety within myself but at the same time offers the promise of something extraordinary. 

Our loss of the one person we could turn to and depend on during these trying times is just magnified all that much more. 

Rest, peace and comfort,

Andy

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, M88 said:

I hope I can get back to living just in the day - no stressing about what problems may occur tomorrow and hopefully now, way less ruminating on problems over which I have no control.  Maybe I will make it up to my daughters this week. 

Sounds like something to strive for.  I'm glad you got to visit with your friends.  My best friend from high school passed a couple of years ago, just as we were planning to get together.  it's neat to have friends from way back.  I'm sorry about the trial date.  It will come though!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I hope you find some peace in all this

10 hours ago, M88 said:

Something lovely happened mid week.  Two of my oldest school friends (50 years of friendship come June) came for a couple of days.  Because they live thousands of miles away we don't catch up often. Their company couldn't have come at a better time. There were plenty of tears but some laughter too as we tripped down memory lane.  You can't beat old friends with whom you share a long history.

I had a similar situation with two of my closest friends.  We all went to high school together and stayed in contact for all these years.  One lives in Nebraska and had to come in town to attend a funeral of a close friend of hers.  We were able to catch up on our lives and family and I even brought pictures of *back in the day* when we were in our very early twenties.  We all got a big kick out of those pictures; heck, we all thought we sill look good after 40+ years.  :D   The food was good but the conversation, even better.   They were good friends of my Charles as well and we remembered him, we laughed, we cried, and we shared.  That was a pretty *good* day for me - ordinarily I don't like using the word, but in this case, I can honestly say it  was *good*. 

 

10 hours ago, M88 said:

hope I can get back to living just in the day - no stressing about what problems may occur tomorrow and hopefully now, way less ruminating on problems over which I have no control.

You will, just take it one day at a time; today is a tomorrow that we thought about yesterday.   Don't worry about tomorrow; take care of today, because if you take care of today, tomorrow will take care of itself.

Stay Strong and may God continue to bless you in this difficult time.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you for your kind, encouraging words.  I drove the hour to my daughters today.  Very little traffic once I got off the Highway so I wasn't freaked out driving today. Gerry & I were always full of anticipation coming up here.  I can't yet play the Irish ballards that we always sang along to when off on one of our jaunts. I am now in one of the most beautiful parts of our country yet I didn't get any pleasure from the scenery today - I just got sadder as I passed each familiar landmark. We always stopped at an old building in the hope of catching a glimpse of the owls who have made it their home.  They often perch on the old window frame.  I had a major meltdown when I stopped there today and yet another when I got here. My dear daughter is so understanding - it is tough for her to see her normally strong Mum, in bits.  Her week old foal put a smile on both my face and soul when I met her though - she's just adorable!  

Hugs to all. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

M88, I'm glad you had a safe trip and wishing you a nice, peaceful, comforting time with your daughter. A new foal would put a smile on my face also.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sorry you didn't enjoy the day yesterday even though it was so beautiful.  I believe you will once again enjoy nature and animals, but it may be a time before you've adjusted to that point.  George and I enjoyed nature together so much, and I still do love it, but in the early days it was hard because if I tried to go for a ride, all I could think about was him not being there to enjoy i with me.  Now I just talk out loud to him and point things out to him...people might think me crazy, but I believe he still exists in spirit form so I'm going to be talking to him!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sorry I didn't get back to this thread.  Thank you all for your encouragement.  It did me good to spend time with my daughter and sil.  They know which buttons to push to make me have a laugh.  And oh my goodness, that palomino foal !! She will make a beautiful western riding horse one day. 

It is one year ago today that anger over road my newly formed driving phobia and I drove an hour up the coast to confront the bugger who killed my darling.  He hadn't had to explain himself to anybody in the 17 weeks since doing so, and I needed to put a face to the tragedy he created.  I did so by introducing myself and handing him the service sheet from my darlings service.  He read it twice and asked "Who's this then?"  I'm sure you can all imagine what that did to me!  

It is official, his trial will now not take place till 'much later' in the year.  To say that I am livid would be an understatement!  But I am keeping a lid on it, and not driving anywhere.  I can't do my research and paperwork from a cell or a hospital bed! 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

M88,

Unbelievable!  That a guy can kill someone and not even know who he killed!  That shows no ownership or responsibility for what he did.  I hope he gets a long sentence to think about it.  Too bad they can't plaster his cell with pictures of your partner as a constant reminder.  Grr!  I'm livid on your behalf!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

M88, I'm happy for you that you had a good visit with family and enjoyed the new foal. Remembering the visit will help you to keep going forward.

On the other hand, I'm sorry about the *bad guy*who ripped your life apart and his trial getting pushed back. Like KayC, I also think it is unbelievable that he didn't even know the name of your husband and doesn't seem remorseful.  I hope the judge allows you to say something on your husband's behalf, to give the guy *a piece of your mind*on what his action has cost you.   (HUGS)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes KayC and KMB, absolutely unbelievable!  He's not showed not an ounce of remorse at all - even when I visited him. He had the cheek to moan to his lawyer about my visit!  That impromptu visit brought about changes within the authorities and the begining of the long haul to get justice (I hope!) for my darling man.  

He won't get jail time as he is elderly and our jails are overflowing with the young.  Being 'made' to take responsibility will suffice. Elderly or not, he had a licence to drive, not to kill, maim and traumatize many people.  No matter the age, every driver has the same responsibilities when they get behind the wheel.  

I caught him unawares when I paid him that visit so saw him for the fit, agile, sharp of mind bugger he is.  He was splitting bluegum (a hardwood) firewood which initially took me aback and although it was scarey as we stood either side of his chopping block with two axes now embedded in it, I wasn't about to go home.  After learning he didn't know my man's name, I sure did give him a piece of my mind and made sure he heard (wasn't wearing a hearing aid ) all I had to tell him about what a lovely guy the man he killed was, our love, our family, what his interests were etc. It was Mothers Day here,  good weather, and in my peripheral vision I could see people who were out walking, gathering, so felt safer.  I'm sure someone will have videoed it on their ph.  When I left I apologized to them for having to witness such a scene, my terrible swearing and the reason for it.  They all wanted to take care of me, but I needed to be alone.  

It is 'very difficult' not being able to talk about how my man came to be killed, with anyone other than my daughter, the prosecutor and the police officer in charge of our case.  Of course my daughters ear is the only one I have easy, unlimited access to. She is very supportive and so helpful but I'm forever mindful of the effect all this must be having on her emotions too.  I am truly blessed to have such awesome support from my small remaining family and good friends - most of whom live out of the area but come to stay a night or two with me every few weeks.  

My latest battle is with the Law Society Complaints Service.  I am not satisfied with their Standards Committee's decision to 'just' waive my former lawyers fee and have asked them to reconsider, or I will take my complaint to the next level.  I thought I'd made it clear to them that my complaint is not about my former lawyers fee (he'd adjusted it to reflect his work) but the abandonment of employment and the 'lack of quality' of his work.

I felt a tiny wee bit of a victory today as I read that 87% of complaints they receive are marked 'no further action' and don't make it to the Standards Committee stage.  I had been confident the committee would have to consider mine, though. 

I have complaints to make about a number of professional people's work, but very few I can submit at present.  I now understand why society and our country is in strife. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

M88, You are a fighter! For yourself and for justice. I commend you for coping with your loss and taking on the law for your beloved husband. He surely is proud of you and his love and strength are pouring down on you. (HUGS)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you, KMB.  Yes, this new strength is pouring down upon me!!  G would hardly recognize me,

I'm clawing back respect and dignity for my man.  Have taken every area of shoddy work as a personal insult against Gerry and myself. 

I have plenty of opprtunities for grieving along the way.  Facing graphic stuff is challenging but I need to be prepared for court. I don't want to have one of my major meltdowns there. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
8 hours ago, M88 said:

He's not showed not an ounce of remorse at all - even when I visited him. He had the cheek to moan to his lawyer about my visit!

He certainly needs prison time to get his attention...not for retribution, for that never helps, but for a wake up call!  He's clearly not getting it!  He needs to realize the extent of what he's done!  He needs to own it!  He needs to feel remorse.  But alas, there is a judge who will bring it about if it doesn't occur in this lifetime...he would be fortunate to get the lesson now rather than later.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

His son leads a Church and he looked embarrassed and fed up with him the one time we've been in court. 

It would be difficult to have to continue to support a father of this calibre. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

M88, It is a shame that the son has to bare the cross of his father's lack of humanity. He shouldn't have to assume that responsibility. Karmic debt will come to call on the father.

Hang in there. (HUGS)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It is nearly seven months since I started this thread, and on Monday it will be 672 days since my darling was tragically killed.  Somedays, some nights, his death still doesn’t feel real to me, my current life doesn’t feel real,  I think because I am still weighed down with much the same responsibilities and problems to deal with initially. 

Last month, 644 days after my hubby’s death, we were to begin a 5 day trial in a Court, 2 hours away from home, but a couple of days out from the trial, the offender indicated that he wished to change his plea to guilty on day one of the trial.  I was gutted and very angry as we needed the trial to deal with the second person I hold responsible for my darlings preventable death.  So again, I find myself with a mountain of legal work to do, to have that person made accountable for her part in my man’s death, and which will go a long way in lessening the likelihood of further deaths of like that of my darlings. 

The whole Court experience was harrowing, demoralizing and orchestrated.  We were but puppets on a string.  Many things I object to happened in Court that day,  but I kept a lid on it by repeating to myself ‘this is Gerry’s day - deal with other crap later’. 

My Victim Impact Statement was edited by the Judge - which brassed me off no end.  It seems like we mustn’t offend the offender or demonstrate his lack of common sense and callousness.  Yet, I was allowed to tell of the anguish caused by my daughter and I doing our own investigating into the crash and how we felt we had to move mountains to see the offender charged, because in the first few months the police weren’t conducting a balanced investigation.   

I was able to hand back his shame to the man who killed my darling, but it brought little satisfaction as he remains just as heartless and remorseless as ever.  As soon as the Judge ended the hearing and turned her back, I lost control and for the second time since he killed my hubby, I placed a photo of Gerry in his hands so he had no choice but to look again at the lovely man he killed. I hope they will now haunt him for the rest of his life, but I doubt it. 

We got a conviction,  but sadly no Justice as such, for Gerry.  There’s something very wrong with the Justice System in our country.  On a positive note, we now have a legal record that can be readily referred to by families of future victims of such preventable deaths and pointed out to Police and Lawyers. 

Speaking of lawyers - the complaint I laid against my useless lawyer back in April was reconsidered at my request and is thankfully now nearing the final stages.  I had to put a lot more work into it using the OIA to gather evidence from various places including Police ph and duty records.  But it reads like the Standards Committee of the Law Society have done a thorough investigation into his lack lustre work, and his ‘alternative truths’ in response to my complaint.  They are to hold a Hearing on Papers this coming Tuesday.  Despite being judged by his peers, if the paperwork is anything to go by, I’m anticipating a satisfactory outcome.  I just hope it doesn’t take too long for their decisions to be written up, as this is something I’m really looking forward to reading!!

On a different note,  I have a lot more grief work still needing worked on as I continue to struggle with nightmares again, eating properly every day, overcoming driving phobia, ordering a refill of lpg before my hot water runs out, paying bills on time, just getting out the door sometimes to go grocery shopping in the next town, growing my vegies, keeping the yard tidy and socialising - coming home to no hubby if I’ve been out at night, is the absolute pitts :( 

I find learning all I need to know regarding home and car maintenance, and keeping up with WOF’s for my car, frustrating and often overwhelming.  Gerry was the home handy man and fixer of basic car problems, in our neighbourhood.  

None of my old interests have returned as yet. Despite getting the odd wee flicker that they may, it’s always short lived, so perhaps they never will.  But strangely enough, I’ve become comfortable with supporting newly bereaved people in my community.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

M88,

Nothing about your post surprises me.  I don't know what country you're in, but it doesn't seem all that different from here.  We do what we can to prosecute people and hold them accountable for what they do but sadly, we don't seem to find true justice in this world and it doesn't bring your husband back...but still, it is something and I continue to wish for you the outcome you'd hope for.  I'm glad you got some say, at least, in your victim's statement.

Yes, taking care of ourselves and our home can be very frustrating.  I am finding as I navigate Medicare, that it is not all that, it will not pay beans on my prescriptions that I need to live and I can't afford to buy them on my own but do not qualify for low income assistance.  Life is a struggle.  All of the home repairs I've had to deal with, unscrupulous contractors that have stolen money from me...it can be very wearing.  But still I continue trying, what else can I do.

You say your old interests have not returned, I have a hobby I've had since my children were small, and my interest in that waned when my husband died, I'm not sure it'll ever come back as it's been 12 1/2 years.  BUT I got my love of reading back after ten years!  So that is something at least.

This is a hard journey.

I'm glad you're supporting newly bereaved in your community.  I started a grief support group in my community a few months ago, there had never been one here, and I love it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

M88,  I sympathize with you, with your seeking justice ordeal.  I feel, like KayC, it is a universal problem, depending on the situation. I've never understood how a murderer or rapist can get a few years and a drug offender can get many years of prison time.  It was explained to me, in how the laws are written in the first place, the individual state laws and it is complicated at best

I admire your courage and determination to see this process all the way through, for your Gerry. He is very proud of you, for what has been accomplished as well as it can, with justice being served, no matter how small the outcome, and also for giving support and comfort to those in need in your community. Because we know pain and loss so well, it does benefit our healing to give back.:wub:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you for both for your kind  supportive words, Kay and KMB.  They are much appreciated:)

Widowhood sure challenges us in so many ways.  

I’ve been a bit of a moody cow (not my usual personality) since the trial fiasco and then learning that a lot of Inquests are carried out in Chambers now days, (penny pinching) so I’ve already started pleading my case with the Coroner handling Gerry’s death, to conduct a formal Inquest. There are a lot of lessons for the Medical world, the Police and the general public, to be learnt from my darlings death.  

We have brought about two positive changes thus far, but have many more to tackle.  You’re right KMB, my Gerry would be pleased as with our efforts.  We have a new Govt. and I’m hopeful they’ll address some of the ridiculous archaic laws and the broken Justice system. 

Kay, I’m really sorry you can’t get the help you need for your meds.  That must be so frustrating and disheartening.  Would there be a trust that could maybe help out?   You’ve done a wonderful thing by creating a grief support group.  A neighbours son took his own life last week, so now there are 4 of us in my immediate neighbourhood coping with recent deaths.  There have been many sudden deaths in my area in the past two years.  A few of us left behind visit and support each other as best we can and yes, helping others helps with our own healing.   I am keen to learn about starting a support group, but have too much on my plate at the moment. 

Kay, have you thought about taking in a boarder?  A few people have suggested this to me, but I value my privacy too much.  Maybe you do too!  Also, the only people looking for board in my area are guys who work at the gold mine - shift workers.  I can only cope with visitors for 2 days before I’m craving my own company and my research again.  I have a friend coming next weekend or the one after.  He tells me he’s bringing his gardening tools and fishing rod and is taking me out for dinner - I won’t argue with that - the perfect visitor ! Having lost his Mum when he was 7 and his Dad a few years later,  he also understands grief. 

Sending strength, love and hugs.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've lived alone so long now, I can't imagine living with someone, roommate or otherwise, it totally complicates things...it's not the answer for my meds anyway, it'd be a drop in the bucket.  I either need to switch insurance or have my doctor switch me to less expensive drugs.  It's complicated, no one will tell me the prices...  And as you said 

2 hours ago, M88 said:

I can only cope with visitors for 2 days before I’m craving my own company

Wow, four in your neighborhood going through this!  Hard to understand how prevalent this is.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Today I’m reeling from shock at the sudden, but natural death of the local police officer who brought me news of Gerry’s death.  

He was one of those lovely guys that everyone loves and a great family and community man.  He helped turn many a youngsters life around. He was supportive of my fight for justice but, not involved in our case.  We’d catch up from time to time.  He was only in his 40’s and very fit and healthy looking.  To think his wife will probably have had a cop knock at her door today.  It’s difficult to take in. 

One of the journalists at court recently put her own spin on my description of that afternoon.  She made it sound like he’d done a terrible job of telling me, when nothing I read out, indicated that.  I called in to see him a few days later but as he wasn’t there, I emailed him. He thanked me and said he knows what the media are like. 

Just two weeks ago I also asked an officer at a larger station to let the real story and my great respect for him be known in lunchroom chat.  I couldn’t bare the thought of his colleagues thinking he’d been insensitive and made a botched job of telling me.  I’m glad I did boh those things to put the record right. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

M88,

I am so sorry, his death must bring it all back, not like it was ever far from your mind anyway.

Is there any way you can send a note to his family to let them know how much you appreciated him and also that what the media said was very inaccurate.  I'd even contact the media and make them print a correction!  Those &*%@!, sorry, it really gets me when they put a spin on things for their own agenda.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks KayC. Yes, Ive left a few lines in an online tribute.  In a couple of weeks I’ll cook something and take a card and visit his wife.

They’ve got masses coming in at present.  

Losing him feels like losing a big part of Gerry’s story.  His kindness will never be forgotten.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I know this has undoubtedly stirred everything up for you, and for that I'm sorry.  You've handled it with grace, knowing all too well how his family must be feeling.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now


×