My mom died...my mom died?

[AliciaC]

This is the first time sharing this...
My mom was soon to be listed for a double lung transplant.  She had alpha-1, asthma, emphysema, and COPD but her lungs weren't bad enough yet to be listed.
March 28th, the cold she had just caught caused her to not be able to breathe.  She called my aunt to take her to the hospital.  By the time my aunt got there (she lived next door) my mom was gasping for air and pleading for help.  They had to carry her to the van and in the van, she passed out.  Her heart stopped, they had to revive her.  She didn't wake up.  They had to put her onto life support as she couldn't breathe on her own but because they had trouble tubing her, they put her into an induced coma, just to be sure she wouldn't wake up while they were doing it (they tore her throat pretty bad) and to give her body a better chance at healing.

What had happened was that given the state of her deteriorating lungs, she was unable to exhale.  This caused her lungs to become 92% full of carbon dioxide...that is gas, it's poison for our bodies.  This had entered her bloodstream.

She was transferred to a better hospital.  She was unstable but doing okay.  The doctors there said she had something called status asthmaticus.  They said she was slowly getting better and would wake her up in able a week.  At this point, she was also on kidney dialysis as her kidneys weren't working correctly, and still on life support.
My husband, 2 kids and I were there with her.  We lie 8 hours north of her and being told she was going to be okay, we went back home.  Hubby had work, kids had school...

It was quite literally the next day she took a turn for the worst.  They transferred her again to a better hospital as they said if she stayed, she'd die, they weren't equipped for her case.
Monday the 3rd.  She arrived and was unstable.  No one was allowed to see her.  They struggled the whole day with her blood pressure which would not stabilize regardless of what they did or what they gave her.  They asked to put her on a cardiopulmonary (heart and lung) bypass as those started to not work as well.  The gas in her blood was still too high and it seemed all efforts were failing.  They said she'd die without it...
They took her into the OR.  They have to run a line right near the heart for this.  Chances were okay.  There was a 2% chance they could puncture the heart while doing it, but neither the doctor nor the hospital had had it happen.  They said when it does happen though, they have never heard of a case that doesn't end in death.
They punctured her heart.   They had to do emergency open heart surgery and were actually able to repair it!  However, she ended up having a stroke, followed by a number of mini strokes and feared brain damage.

So there she was, my beautiful 50 year old mom, on life support, dialysis, and cardiopulmonary bypass with possible brain damage.  ...She only had a cold.

They waited until the 5th to check her brain function.  She never did stabilize.
No brain activity.  We left that Sunday, she squeezed my hand and wouldn't let go...  (They kept having to increase the sedation, she kept trying to wake up)  Monday, she had the strokes and her brain activity was gone.  They offered an option to do a strange procedure that would leave her skin with holes to try to increase blood flow to her brain.  We opted against it.  No.  Her brain activity wouldn't come back.  I don't need to be a doctor to know that and she doesn't need to go through anymore.

On the 6th, they started to take her off everything she was hooked up to.  It was very short.  About 20 minutes from the time they slowly started taking the machines away.
She passed away at 1:42pm, April 6th, at exactly 50 years 7 months old.  I wasn't able to get back down there to be with her...

My mom died.  She caught a cold and she died.

She was my best friend.  She was my person, and I'm lost without her.  The shock is wearing off now and I burst out in tears at the most random times.  I feel sick to my stomach more often than not, I haven't been sleeping well, my anxiety is through the roof and I know I'm depressed.  I'm trying to be strong and put on this happy face for my kids (8 and 9 currently who are beside themselves with her death as well), but inside, I'm a mess.
I don't know how to do this.

My grandparents raised me from 3 weeks old.  They both passed away in 2006, the year after I got married.  My mom and I became unimaginably close after that.
I've still been struggling with their losses, then October 7th last year, my grandpa on my dad's side passed away. (on my daughters birthday)  Now my mom.
My dad and I are far from being close...  I feel so, unbelievably alone.

[reader]

Dear Alicia,

I'm so sorry. I know the pain and sorrow are unimaginable. Please know you are not alone. We are all here to listen and support you. Losing a parent is a terrible shock. Sending all my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

[cindyjane]

HUGS AliciaC .... I am so sorry for the loss of your mom.  My heart goes out to her and you in all that she went through.  I am sorry for all of the losses that you've been through.  In losing both parents in less than a year all I know is that when we lose people we love, it stings.  I always suggest to people that when the tears come, let them flow.  Tears are healing and so is time.  I often say that this deep sadness is the price we pay for LOVE.  It is such a heavy price but I am grateful that I had and still have that love for my parents.  When my parents passed on the thing that got me through the grieving process was and is my faith and knowing that when it is my turn to be taken "home" I will be reunited with my parents.  Until then I will do my best to live by the examples they taught me and be the best person that I can be.  I believe to the core that one day you will also be reunited with your dear mom.

take care

Cindy Jane

[gone]

Alicia,

I am very sorry for your loss.
If you feel like talking to someone, feel free to send a message.
Hugs,

Amber