Had an argument with Dad week before his death

[Ndigwe]

A week or so before my Dad's death (November 2016) I had a huge argument with him, because he said I didn't respect him and I told him I didn't because of how he had treated me earlier in the year when I told him I had anxiety. I called him a coward for not talking to me about it, he said I wasn't part of the family. He was in the worst stages of his liver cancer. He cringed in pain as I shouted at him saying he was a coward for not being able to talk to me and he said I would regret this moment when I saw him being buried in a coffin and preceded to walk upstairs and say he didn't know how he could give birth to something so evil. Around the time my Dad was diagnosed with cancer, the very beginning of 2016, was when I told him about my anxiety and he (quite understandably) rejected it and said it was nothing (which is in fact right, who gives a **** about anxiety, he told me to forget about it, the very cure to anxiety in fact). But after that I hated him for the rest of the year, all throughout his chemo and travels to India for further chemo, I ignored him and resented him. I spent as little time with him as possible, I focused on other things such as my future, thinking if my Dad doesn't care about me I'll at least care about myself.

My Dad has always been my God. But this last year all I've felt is hate. I numbed myself completely, I haven't felt any real emotion in months - really years.

Now I hate myself. There is no way I can recover from this. My Dad died hating me and being ashamed of me. I can't move on from this.

[reader]

Dear Ndigwe,

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad's passing. I know you were looking for your dad's support regarding your anxiety. Its only natural to feel pain when our parents dismiss our feelings. In that moment when you were angry you didn't know that your dad would pass. You probably felt there would be time to make up. I would think the same thing too. I know its not easy right now. All parents and children know that we all say things we regret. Its human nature. We want to take things back but sometime our pride prevents us. I too have regrets since my dad's passing. Please don't think your dad did not love you. He did. It was the pain of the cancer talking. In his heart, he loved you and wanted the best for you.

If you feel like it, write him a letter, or talk to him out loud about everything you are feeling right now. I can't tell you how many times I have visited my dad's gravesite asking him for his forgiveness. I say "I'm sorry daddy, I'm so sorry." And it still hurts, but I keep trying.

I know its easier said than done, but try to be kind and gentle with yourself during your grief. Life is so hard. Thinking of you.

[Ndigwe]

Thanks for the reply reader. I hope you can find peace. Speaking aloud definitely helps a lot. The pain is unbearable though. I just want to pay respect to my dad by living a life.