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Bipolar mother froze to death alone


Orestes

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Hi all, 

I'm new to this site, and not entirely sure how it works, but I hope it is a chance to share and learn from others. 

I'm a 28 year old male working abroad. A few months ago I learned by email that the police had found my mother dead inside our house (we live in the countryside of upstate NY). She had been living alone for several months. She spent her share of her retirement money in a matter of months (she was 59) and no longer had any money to pay for electricity. As the winter months began, with no electricity she was unable to heat the house, and she died of hypothermia. The police found her after a neighbor noticed little activity coming from the house for several weeks. 

My parents had recently divorced after my mother, who had been on medication for bipolarism/manic depression, suddenly refused to take her medication anymore. From what I understand, life at home became horrible for my father, and he was eventually forced out of the home after my mother made a false claim to the police that he had raped her. She took half of the retirement money and spent it all in a matter of months on installing new lockable windows and barricading the driveway. She also bought new furniture and an expensive lamp. As time went on she refused any help from anyone, and when my parents divorced in August, she was really on her own. 

The last time I spoke to her was last April, on the phone. She really wanted me to come home for the summer and offered to pick me up. I did not give a clear answer. I was so concerned about her ability to take care of herself, but I was also afraid if what she might do to me if I came home. With so much instability and danger in that situation, I decided to not come home for the summer. That was the last conversation I had with my mother. The last time I saw her was December 1.5 years ago, being driven away by the police to a hospital where she would get examined for rape. 

I thought a lot about calling her again to check in, but I wanted to distance myself from the crazy family situation. When the electricity got caught off in September, I suppose there would have been no way to contact her, as the phone would not have worked. 

I overall feel little towards the death of my mother except guilt, sadness for her wasted life, and wonder at the idea that someone who was once breathing and talking is now a pile of ash (her body was cremated). I haven't cried yet. I don't know if I'm repressing feeling, or if I genuinely feel nothing. It's still hard for me to believe that this even happened. 

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Dear Orestes,

Its a terrible shock to lose a parent no matter the circumstances. Please know we are all here to listen and support you in anyway we can. Thinking of you and your family during this difficult time.

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@Orestes I am sorry for your loss and everything that you have had to endure.  No matter the circumstances, losing a parent is always full of mixed and difficult emotions. 

As for your feelings on guilt and sadness, your reflections on death and cremation, even the questioning if you are repressing your feelings is so all very common.  Although the reasons may all be different, the feelings are often the same.

As long as you do not actively repress your feelings when you do feel emotional, then everything you are feeling is normal.  It only becomes unhealthy when we deliberately repress our feelings.  As long as you don't do that, everything else will sort itself out.

 

 

 

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