Time isn't healing me

[Fairlane]

I don't really know what to say.

My father passed away suddenly three days before I started college, and I'm still in so much pain. He had gone in shortly beforehand to see the doctor, and was cleared as healthy if overweight. In the morning he said he felt like he had the flu and spent the day resting in bed. I don't want to go into too much detail as it's painful as all hell to relive, but he passed in his sleep that evening from an abdominal aortic aneurysm. This was the first time I'd ever experienced a close human loss. I feel so empty. I suffer from severe depression and losing my daddy makes everything seem even less hopeful. I miss him so much it hurts. 

I can't help but think that he wouldn't be proud of me anymore. I'm trying so hard to lead a life that would make him happy, but I struggle and I feel like a failure. My mother says he'd be proud. It's hard to believe her. It's hard to believe anything. There's so much that he'll miss. There's so much I didn't do. I start thinking about him and it's like a storm is brewing in my skull. I can't make this pain subside. Nothing helps. I feel so lost and broken and I never got to say goodbye. I didn't even know he was going. There are so many things I did wrong, so many times I hurt him and I took him for granted. And now he's gone.

Will this ever stop? What do I do? Please help me. I'm already in therapy but it doesn't feel like that'll help. I don't know yet. I'm sorry if this is scattered or strange. I can't think straight.

[maddieeiddam]

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my father unexpectedly this year, it is awful. I have made myself believe that as long as I am participating in life (work, school, friends, getting the help I need like therapy) then my dad is proud. You are brave for seeking help. Therapy has not been a "fix all" for me but it helps me to feel validated in a world that doesn't seem interested in my grief. Please try not to torture yourself with the "could have would have should have." Believe me, I know that is so much easier said than done. Even though I did not know your father I can believe that he would not want you to stew on this, and that he does not hold against you anything you may have said or done. Parents know that children say things out of anger that we don't mean. I'd like to apologize if anything I've written seems insensitive, I know that a lot of this stuff is easier said than done. Just know someone on the internet has an idea of what you're feeling and hopes that you're doing alright.

[reader]

Dear Fairlane,

I'm so sorry for your loss. And all the pain and sorrow you are feeling. Losing our daddies is the hardest thing any of us can ever go through. I know its hard. I still feel lost too. You said its perfectly there is a storm brewing in our skulls. Keep taking it day by day. Keep seeking out different supports. I feel that way too that nothing really helps, but I keep trying. I've tried talking to a counsellor, joining a grief support group, reading different sites like What's Your Grief, GriefShare.Org, The Grief Recovery Method, Tiny Buddha, The Grief Healing Blog. I keep hoping that I will find something that will help me.

Please know you are not alone. We are all here to listen and support you. Thinking of you.

[mad005]

Hi, I too, have lost my dad unexpectedly. I am 16 years old. My father died in a bike accident. It breaks my heart to know that people other than myself have to experience this kind of pain. I am so sorry for your loss. I can't say I know what you're going through because losing someone so close to you is different for everyone. My dad died June 4th 2016 (10 months ago) and I can tell you that it hasn't got easier. But one thing you learn to do is cope. Many times had those thoughts crossed my mind. "I could've..." or "if I had stopped him maybe..." or "what if I..." and that is one thing you have to stop immediately. There is nothing you could have done or anyone for that matter. It was just their time to go.  I still cry often and I think I'm still in some shock. I feel severe depression and often feel homesick. My anxiety has gotten much worse. A way I've dealt with it is talking to a therapist. It doesn't "cure"or "fix it" but it definitely helps to get it off your chest. Talking with family members and telling your favourite memories about them has helped me the most. Personally, another thing that has helped me is "signs from above." I find dimes and feathers all the time and that is a sign from passed loved ones. Maybe that's not something you believe in but keep that in mind. Things that bother me are things such as university, marriage and having children. But I know that my dad will be watching down on me through everything. I really hope things get better for you. 

[Starlight-sandra]

Hi.... I lost my dad almost four months ago to a ruptured abdominal aneurysm too... I spent my last Christmas with him... then he went on a two week holiday with my mum.. came back, two days later went to work where he collapsed and his heart stopped in the ambulance on the way to hospital... I never got to see him since the day before he left for his holiday....  it's been really hard and painful. I knew he was tired but I didn't know he was unwell and to suddenly have him gone without a chance to see him or speak to him is like a punch in the chest... I have bad anxieties and it's hard for me to go out... I'm anxious and in pain n discomfort almost all day.... sometimes I worry that something's  wrong with me.... I'm in pain all the time and wonder if it will ever subside.... only thing I can do is pray... I pray that God is healing me and that He will be my peace and comfort...  I don't know what else to do but leave it in Gods hands. I pray that He helps you through this time of grieving too...  that the pain will subside and what remains is just the beautiful memories that you have with your dad... sending you hugs and love