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Still reeling from sudden death of my father


maddieeiddam

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maddieeiddam

My father had just turned 50 a month before he died. He was a dedicated athlete and monitored his diet closely. He got frequent checkups at the doctor and never heard anything of concern. The morning he died, I woke up to the sound of him having a heart attack in the bathroom. I won't go too heavily into the details, but my mother and I tried to save him and there was just never any chance. He was dead the second we found him, I just didn't understand. It was a truly horrific event that will probably haunt me the rest of my life. I'm in college and my friends here are not very supportive. None of them have experienced what I have, so I try to be patient and hopeful that their insensitivity comes from a place of pure misunderstanding. I'm so angry, however. I am so so so so so angry. Everyone around me makes me feel like I am sad for no reason. If I try to mention my dad or my grief, I am quickly shut down by uncomfortable faces and lackluster "Yeah, that really sucks. I'm sorry" before the subject gets changed. I just want to grab all my "friends" by the shoulders and scream that someday something like this will happen to them and that behaving like it hasn't just happened to me isn't going to stop that. Sometimes I get so far into my box of putting my head down so I can get everything done for the day as well as keeping my place in my friend group (I'm scared I'll be completely alienated if I keep pushing it or act too upset, which I know is bull*****) that I start to forget why I'm so sad, just that I am constantly sad. I'm not sure what I'm hoping will happen by me posting here, just wanted to maybe talk to some people who have experienced what I have.

Thanks

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Dear Maddie,

My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your father. I'm so sorry for your pain and sorrow. I know its hard when it feels like no one understand how shocking it is to lose a beloved parent. The shock and trauma takes a toll on our minds and bodies. Its been six month since I lost my father and I still struggle with the loss. I too am very angry about what has happened. Angry at the whole world sometimes. Why did it have to be my dad?

Please know you are not alone. We are all here to listen and support you anyway that we can.

For myself, I have tried counselling, grief support groups, and reading various websites. I find this one called What's Your Grief very helpful.  I wonder if student services at college could connect you with some resources. Please know that everything you are feeling and thinking is normal and part of grief journey.

Thinking of you. Sending you hugs.

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