My boyfriend overdosed

[Jen139]

Last October, my boyfriend, Jamie died of an accidental overdose. He was my best friend and the love of my life. We made plans to get married, have kids, and spend the rest of our lives together. We spent everyday together and now i cant see or talk to him. When he passed, his parents wouldn't allow me to see his body before he was cremated. It is so hard to believe he is gone because the last time i saw him he was walking out of my room to go home. If i knew that was going to be the last time i saw and talked to him things would have been so different. It feels like he was never even here and we were never together. I am 18 years old and i feel like my life is over because i lost the one person in my life that truly cared for and loved me. I have no confidence and have so many emotional problems. I don't feel like I get any support from anyone and that makes me feel even more alone. I haven't talked to anyone about how i truly feel because i feel as if no one understands exactly how i do. I am out of high school and don't have any interest in going to college, but I have no idea what i am going to do. I've considered suicide many times but i am to scared to actually do it. Im more scared that I will kill myself and even after death i will not see him. I don't know if i will ever be able to move on because i know that i will always feel guilty for for-filling the plans him and I had together with someone else. I have no idea what to do and i need help.

[Andy]

51 minutes ago, Jen139 said:

Last October, my boyfriend, Jamie died of an accidental overdose. He was my best friend and the love of my life. We made plans to get married, have kids, and spend the rest of our lives together. We spent everyday together and now i cant see or talk to him. When he passed, his parents wouldn't allow me to see his body before he was cremated. It is so hard to believe he is gone because the last time i saw him he was walking out of my room to go home. If i knew that was going to be the last time i saw and talked to him things would have been so different. It feels like he was never even here and we were never together. I am 18 years old and i feel like my life is over because i lost the one person in my life that truly cared for and loved me. I have no confidence and have so many emotional problems. I don't feel like I get any support from anyone and that makes me feel even more alone. I haven't talked to anyone about how i truly feel because i feel as if no one understands exactly how i do. I am out of high school and don't have any interest in going to college, but I have no idea what i am going to do. I've considered suicide many times but i am to scared to actually do it. Im more scared that I will kill myself and even after death i will not see him. I don't know if i will ever be able to move on because i know that i will always feel guilty for for-filling the plans him and I had together with someone else. I have no idea what to do and i need help.

Jen139, first of all, I'm terribly saddened by your loss and the sorrow you've found yourself in. Also, IF you contemplate suicide, start "acting it out" in your mind, or find yourself thinking about it more often, I implore you to PLEASE seek help, a former guidance counselor, a therapist, even a primary care doctor, do NOT allow these thoughts to progress. Didn't mean to go all "lecture" on you, but hey, I'm a dad. 

Jen, your life is not over, it certainly feels like it, believe me, I know.  I'm 45, my wife, who passed New Year's Eve, was only 42. We were married almost 25 years. We were your age when we started our life together, so I understand the fierceness in which you loved your boyfriend. This pain you feel will ease, and if/when you decide to find love again, remember that "what was" will have nothing to do with "what may be". Guilt won't have a place in the setting of a new love. 

I have a daughter a little older than you, so I'm in dad mode a little, but I've also lost the love of my life, so I'm in the "fellow traveler" world, walking with you. If your beloved could speak with you, I'm sure the first thing he'd say is to "Stop. I want you to be happy. That's all I ever wanted, that hasn't changed. I know that you think it's not possible, but I assure you, it is. My death shouldn't define you, I fell in love with a kind, warm, beautiful girl, so go be that girl." 

Everyone here on these forums will give you compassion, advice, even just listen, no judgement, no preaching. Post here as often as you feel the need, please reach out. Please Jen, take care of yourself, you, like myself, are still here, you're still alive. And being alive means "possibilities", and that means HOPE. Give yourself time, give yourself a chance, and find help to guide you, to help make sense of all this, give you ways to cope, accept and move forward. Not move on, just forward. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to speak with any of us, on the forums or privately, you aren't alone here, so there's no need to go it alone.  

I don't know your relationship with your parents, but if you're close at all, you may wish to speak with one of them. As I said, I have a daughter, 21 years old, and I love her more than anything on this earth, and it breaks my heart she lost her mom, and I do all I can to comfort her. Maybe someone in your family can do that for you. Just some advice from an "old man" 

Jen 139, please take care, I'm thinking of you and praying for you, may you find comfort and peace,

Andy 

 

[KayC]

Jen,

I am so sorry.  Words are just so inadequate.  Try not to worry unduly about "the rest of your life" right now, just try to get through today.  It would be good if you could see a professional grief counselor, one who is specifically trained in grief and could help you through this maze of grief.  it's like we can't see in front of us and we're blindly trying to make our way through.  You are grieving not only the loss of your BF, but all of your dreams and plans, and those secondary losses can be very hard to deal with.  We mourn each one.  What were your plans before he died?  Did they include college?  Did you have any particular interests?  Loss takes away our interest, our focus, and it's hard because we have to continue, we have to go to work, we have to eat and do laundry, etc. and we don't feel like doing anything!  We force ourselves to go through the motions and everyone thinks we're okay but inside we're crumbling and nothing is okay.  These are all normal feelings of grief.  

My sister-in-law was engaged, she was young, had just started college, and her fiance was killed in an accident.  She felt like you are feeling now.  Fast forward 50 years...she finished college, got married, had a child, has had a good life.  She has never forgotten the sweetheart she lost though.  Her husband knows and understands that.  He doesn't feel like "second fiddle", he knows she loves him, but differently than she loved her first love.  Every relationship is different, we can't replace one, but we can go on to have another and it can be good also.  Right now you can't fathom that, and that is understandable, you love him and feel you could never be with anyone else.  So you can't go there, but just leave the future open and believe in the possibility of hope.  One thing I have learned in life, you never know what the future holds.

[Francine]

Jen139 --  I'm so sorry for your loss and know too well pain.  Unfortunately,  accidents happen, whether they're car accidents, plane accidents or drug accidents  Accidents happen and they're tragic.  Its almost like a bomb exploding and the scrap metal rips into your flesh.  The pain seems unbearable and it feels like it will never go away and you can't come to terms with it.  You feel as if your heart and soul was instantly removed from your chest and your world will never be the same.   Each minute feels like an hour and yet life truly does just somehow go on.  

In time, I imagine the grief will becomes less intense, but the void it leaves in your heart is there forever. You'll never forget him nor the love you shared together and sometimes its better to remember the love and not the loss.  That love will be with you forever no matter where this life leads you.  He may be gone, but what never has to leave, is your memory of him and who he really was. The fact that he used drugs doesn’t invalidate all that was good in him and his life.   It doesn’t reflect negatively on you or any other person. It reflects on all of us together, and how much collective suffering still needs healing in the world. It reflects on our lack of available treatment,  lifesaving medications and the visibility of people who have found long-term recovery from addiction.   I'm sorry you were not allowed to view his body and know that must have been so terrible for you.  You don't know why or should even guess why people do the things they do, but what they can't ever do is take your memories away.  Those are what the both of you shared together and will always be a part you. 

On 4/24/2017 at 6:03 PM, Jen139 said:

 I've considered suicide many times but i am to scared to actually do it. Im more scared that I will kill myself and even after death i will not see him. I don't know if i will ever be able to move on because i know that i will always feel guilty for for-filling the plans him and I had together with someone else. I have no idea what to do and i need help.

You're not alone; many of us have had suicidal thoughts at some point in our lives. Feeling suicidal is not a character defect, and it doesn't mean that we are crazy, weak, or flawed. It only means that we have more pain than we can cope with right now.   Even if it doesn't feel like it right now, there are many people who want to support you during this difficult time. Reach out to someone. Talk to someone who won't try to argue about how you feel, judge you, or tell you to just "snap out of it." Find someone who will simply listen and be there for you.  It doesn’t matter who it is, as long as it’s someone you trust and who is likely to listen with compassion and acceptance.  Do it now.   This pain seems overwhelming and permanent at the moment, but with time and support, you can overcome your problems and the pain. 

Continue to post.  We are all here for you.  God bless you and keep you, keep us a safe. 

[Andy]

Jen 139, I hope you're well, as well as can be expected. Just checking to see if you're okay. 

We're thinking about you, praying for you. 

Andy

[KMB]

Jen139, I am sorry for your loss. You are so young to have to go this and your pain in your words is felt and understood. Please listen to the others here who have responded to you. Please find someone to talk to. If not a family member, then maybe a trusted friend, a grief counselor. You need someone who is going to be a supportive listener.

You also have us here. This forum has become my life line. Sending prayers and hugs to you.

[Madi]

Hi love, just wanted to say that I am so so unbelievably sorry. I know exactly what you are going through I just lost my boyfriend of 3 years last month to an accidental overdose and have been a complete mess ever since. He was literally my bestfriend, soulmate and partner in crime who was closer to me than anyone else in my life out of all my family and friends and knew me better than I even knew myself. I've had all the same thoughts you've had, not wanting to live, etc. and was just wondering how you are doing now seeing that this post is a few months old now. Mine is still so fresh that I just wanted to know if time really does heal, if you can give me any hope at all. So im just wondering where you're at now??? 

[KMB]

Madi, Finding this forum is a step in the right direction on this journey of grieving you have found yourself on. I am deeply sorry for your tragic loss. We all share our pain, stories, and give what comfort, encouragement that we can. Only those who have been through it will understand the full scope of pain of loss. It takes a huge amount of effort, patience, to work ourselves through the tunnel of grieving. There is light and hope at the end. Time does have a way of helping us to evolve through this process. There is no quick fix. The process is a unique, personal one. We each do it on our own time table. We do survive, even though there are a zillion moments when we think we are not going to. The physical body has its own will of survival mode. Combine that with the love, support of family, friends, and grief counselor/therapist, support groups and this forum can all be beneficial. Prayers and hugs going out to you--- we are here for you.

[KayC]

Madi,

I'm sorry for your loss.  They say time heals all wounds, but in grief it takes more than mere time alone, it takes doing our grief work.  It has taken more effort than I can say to process my grief, to learn, to make my way through this.  I can't begin to tell you all I have learned on this journey, and it's taken all of it.  Self care is important.  Getting help is important.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.