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Til death do we part


Fernicity

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I'm starting year two of widowhood. Lonely? Of course. Missing my best friend? Yes. Learning to live without him? Yes. Learning to love life again? Yes. Is my life perfect? No. Am I tired of being told how a widow should act? Yes. Am I tired of the VA screwing up the order for the cremain's plaque? Definitely. My husband's ashes are still sitting at the funeral parlor waiting for the VA so I can bury him. So frustrating. Tired of being asked why I don't keep hubby's ashes in my home? Yes. I find the concept of keeping his ashes in our home totally creepy.  And I'm tired of people telling me that I shouldn't feel this way.    

I miss my husband every day, but that life is just a memory. I'm redoing our/my bedroom this summer. Re-painting, getting a new smaller bed, etc. My hubby had picked out the paint and all the furniture, as it made him happy.  But, I want the room to reflect me now, not what will never be again. I also want to date. I want to love again, but will not ever marry again. I never want to hear, "I'm sorry..." again. I am so lucky to have marvelous step children. I'm a permanent part of their lives. Not everyone is so fortunate. 

Yes, I'm rambling. I've noticed that I do that quite often nowadays. I guess, I just need to ramble, vent and even receive validation for how I am dealing with being a widow. We are all different. We all survive this trauma in different ways. Am I required to mourn in a more traditional manner? Isn't it enough that I loved my husband? 

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I don't think there is a traditional way to mourn. The only universal thread that joins us all is the pain of the loss. As you said, each of us are different, our cultures, our beliefs, experiences, personalities, it all leads us to a personal journey. How you choose to cope and move forward is a choice for you and you alone to make.

 

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Fernicity,

You have come a long way on your grief journey and have learned what is right for you, hold to that.  When people tell you something inappropriate, I hope you call them on it and voice yourself.  I'm sorry the VA is being so slow, that is really unfair to you.  Have you tried contacting your state representative to see if they can get a quicker response?  I'm in Oregon, and our Peter DeFazio is wonderful about getting results for us.

I am sorry for your loss.  This has been a journey (for me) that is rich with what I have learned but is the hardest journey I've ever had to embark on. 

I have kept our home the way it was, but I choose not to sleep in our bed as it is a reminder how empty it is.  We must do things the way it feels right to us.

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Fernicity,  We need to express ourselves, so ramble away. I do it myself .We have this need to be heard and this forum is a great place. It has become my life line. So many wonderful, caring, giving souls here who completely understand what it means to lose our spouse/partner. We didn't just lose them, we lost ourselves and life as we knew it. It is a long, rough, lonely journey. We will survive and you are showing yourself and us, that it can and does happen. I'm sorry the VA is dragging its heels. It has placed a boulder in your path of grieving that you don't need. Eventually, you will be able to overcome that obstacle. Some things require more time and patience. This whole new journey we do not want to be on, takes time and patience.  I am sorry life made you a widow, made all of us here widows/widowers. And, for the record, I dislike those terms, but I haven't discovered anything different to replace them with. For me, *single* doesn't apply. In my heart, I am still my husband's wife.Maybe the term, bereaved, is easier, I don't know.

Our journeys are personal and I admire you for traveling on yours in your way. That is the only way. Take care.

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9 hours ago, Fernicity said:

why I don't keep hubby's ashes in my home?

To each their own. I had my wife's ashes separated into glass jars that we painted black(mason jars with the clip lids from dollar general, she would have liked that"favorite  store"). Then I traveled to California ,Guam, Sicily, Florida, Gulf of Mexico to spread her ashes into the "OCEANS" at her request. Her mom even took some to the Philippines. On most of the trips I saw family members in that area as we spread her ashes into the Sea. It took 6 months to accomplish this task and it was worth it.

So what you do with your ashes is for you not everyone else.

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On 4/24/2017 at 0:19 AM, Fernicity said:

I miss my husband every day, but that life is just a memory. I'm redoing our/my bedroom this summer. Re-painting, getting a new smaller bed, etc. My hubby had picked out the paint and all the furniture, as it made him happy.  But, I want the room to reflect me now, not what will never be again. I also want to date. I want to love again, but will not ever marry again. I never want to hear, "I'm sorry..." again. I am so lucky to have marvelous step children. I'm a permanent part of their lives. Not everyone is so fortunate. 

Yes, I'm rambling. I've noticed that I do that quite often nowadays. I guess, I just need to ramble, vent and even receive validation for how I am dealing with being a widow. We are all different. We all survive this trauma in different ways. Am I required to mourn in a more traditional manner? Isn't it enough that I loved my husband? 

 

I'm happy you are able to move on with your life with expectations of loving and dating again and doing 'you';  but personally, I won't ever consider my life with my husband as 'just a memory'.  For me, it was much more than that.  Life has knocked me down a few times, it showed me things I never wanted to see. I experienced sadness, pain, and failures.  But one thing I know for sure, my husband always made sure I got back up - so that memory of him will forever be with me.   I don't know where this road is going to lead me or what God has in stored for me; but whatever it is, I'll face it knowing God's plan will always be greater and more beautiful than all my disappointments.

We are all different and what works for some just doesn't work for others - and that's OK.    You're fortunate to have wonderful step children who are there for you, and you for them.  You need no validation for being a widow - I haven't called myself that yet - and don't want to.   You've been through hell and back, it's time for you to enjoy some heaven.  God bless you and keep you, keep us all, safe.

 
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14 minutes ago, Francine said:

 I don't know where this road is going to lead me or what God has in stored for me; but whatever it is, I'll face it knowing God's plan will always be greater and more beautiful than all my disappointments.

Francine, this reminded me of something I came across the other day.  "Today I will surrender to my Higher Power. I will trust that God's plan for me will be good, even if it is different than I hoped for or expected."   That's an understatement.....this is certainly not what I had hoped for!!

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HHFaith, thanks, I needed that tonight.  It is perfect.

Francine, My George is not "just a memory" either and I have no interest in dating even though I feel so alone sometimes.  Maybe if he had a clone but alas I'd know the difference even then.

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