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Finneast

Ex partner and child's father killed himself

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Finneast   

I was with my ex for 7 years and we have a beautiful daughter together. He was troubled and struggled with substance abuse, alcohol and drugs. After I became pregnant I tried to work out our relationship as long as I could and felt like maybe seeing our perfect little girl being born that he would change. However he got worse and began leaving for days to over a week at a time turning his phone off and spending so much money drinking and doing drugs for days then coming home angry and depressed. I tried everything I could but received little support from his family and the immediate family I had around me. When our daughter was 2 I couldn't no longer handle living with him because of his addictions and I moved hoping he would sober up to be a father and start his life over away from his triggers and usual hangouts. He got worse after we left and I was getting so mad at him for not straightening out but then he seemed ok, and on that day he hung himself.

I am plagued with guilt as I feel I pushed him over the edge and although I live a very happy life with my now husband and our daughters I still hide how horrible I feel on the inside. He was so tormented that he violently took his own life and I am living well, I don't know how to cope with his death at all even though I know in my heart I did everything I could and stayed as long as I could before it became unstable and unsafe for my daughter and I. 

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I am so sorry for your loss. Us, those left behind, do feel tremendous guilt. So many unanswered questions and a feeling of abandonment. 

Please realize that it was not your fault.  Millions of people have problems and issues but do not chose to end their lives. I feel that they lack a coping ability. Also as you well know alcohol is a depressant which makes things worse.

We have gone through a nightmare that those that have never experienced this tragedy will never understand. Our lives have been changed forever and life will never be the same. 

Concentrate on your daughter and being good to yourself. May God bless you and your daughter, give you comfort, peace and strength. 

Sincerely, Sherry. 

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Hi there.

I am so very sorry for your loss.  It is crazy how very similar our stories are. Honestly, they are nearly identical.  Please know that this loss was not your fault.  I know the guilt is so very hard to cope with.  My loss was nearly 7 years ago and I still have days (like today, his birthday) where I am just completely overcome with so many emotions.  Be easy with yourself.  Know you were doing what was best for yourself and your child. You can't hold yourself responsible for doing what you knew was best as a parent and as a human who had tried everything in her power.  I am here for you if you need to talk.

Lots of hugs. <3
-Rhiannon 

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Finneast   

my daughters fourth birthday is coming up and with that forever will be the anniversary of his death. I haven't even had to guy to look to see if anyone responded to my post until now because I tried my best to buck up and carry on which worked for many months but it couldn't last forever. I am again haunted by dreams of him, nightmares that are so real. It's like he comes to me in my dreams to make me feel responsible for pushing him over the edge by leaving knowing full well how fragile he was in his substance abusing state. How does anyone ever get over this? My daughter has stopped mentioning him and her memories of him have faded which I knew would happen because she is so young, I carry guilt for that as well.  I thought this was getting easier to cope with but it really hasn't at all. 

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