Heartbroken without my beautiful sidekick

[MissingMyfurbaby]

On Friday 21st April I woke up to one of the worse days of my life. My beautiful cat Woody, not yet even 7, was broken. He'd suffered an embolism which had paralysed him and left him screaming in pain. We wrapped him in a towel, rushed him to the vet. He couldn't be fixed,  the vet advised euthanasia and I couldn't bear to see my gorgeous boy in so much pain. I was with him when he went, practically lay on top of him, endlessly kissing his face, and I felt him go. I'm totally and utterly devastated. Cannot stop crying. His presence is everywhere. I think I'm also in shock at how I lost him, I'd never heard of saddle thrombus before. He helped me through some of the roughest years of my life, helped me through mental health problems, through my degree, helped me raise and love my children, and now he's gone I feel,  and our home feels, incredibly empty. I have two other cats but Woody was everyone's baby. Reminders of him around our home are both heartbreaking and comforting to see. I have a lot of guilt about putting him to sleep too. I've since read there are a small percentage of cats that manage to survive the condition and I'm hating myself for not giving him a chance. I just saw him on the table, howling in pain, panting, going into respiratory shock and just wanted to take it all away from him. I put all trust in the vet and followed her advice. As I was kissing his face he love bumped me twice before he passed and that moment is particularly distressing for me. I felt like he was saying goodbye to me and that he was trusting me to do it. I've never had to put a pet to sleep before, yet I've always believed in it. I just can't believe I lost him like that, feel so sorry for him to have to suffer the way he did, he was such a good cat, he didn't deserve that. It's now day 3 and I am still absolutely bereft,  cry from the minute I open my eyes to when I finally manage to fall asleep. I so wish I could dream of him. I just miss him terribly.  I have work tmrw and I don't know how I'm going to cope. I'm also worried I'll be faced with 'just a cat' comments and invalidations which will cause me to flip out. Realistically I see myself busting into tears all night. Pet bereavement is just devastating,  I'm sorry for all those on this site who feel this pain x 

[JasmineMarie]

I am so sorry for your loss, Woody was absolutely gorgeous

anyone who's had a pet will realise he was one of the family, and will understand that you'll grieve for him as though he was a human

its day 7 since I lost my beautiful puppy Alfie in a car accident, when suddent accidents or illness take them its awful - there's no preparation and the shock takes over your body. I was with Alfie when he died, like you where with Woody, and although the last moments are distressing to think of so soon after their death - being with Alfie in his last moments made me realise the mutual love we had for each other and the strong bond we shared and I'm so glad I was there for him when he needed me. The fact our animals trust us with their affections when they're so poorly (Alfie was bleeding out the mouth and his heart was giving up) shows how much they adored us. From what you've said Woody really loved you.

 

its my first time experiencing loss too, being on this forum has helped so much 

[MissingMyfurbaby]

Thank you so much for replying to me.  I know Woody loved me, he made me feel it every single moment of every day. As he was fading away and love bumping me the vet said 'he really loves you' and I just sobbed into his fur and said ' I know he does'.  It was such a profound love that he gave to me, for many years I hated myself, harmed myself and he was with me through it all looking at me adoringly,  making me laugh and cuddling me on the couch. I feel like I'm never going to feel the love, comfort and support he gave to me in any other form again. He would hate to see me so distressed. He would understand why I did what I did. I know he knew how adored he was. But none of this makes me feel any better. I'm so sorry about your poor baby. I've lost animals to the road too and it is devastating.  Back then, my parents were the ones to make the decisions on euthanasia.  To have to go through that experience with your pet is incredibly distressing. I am grateful that I was home, we all were, so we could all kiss him goodbye. I'm so glad i wasn't working (which I would have been if I weren't on annual leave) and he wasn't left like that all day, I'm glad from the moment it happened to him being asleep was about 40 minutes. I'm glad he passed away being smothered with love. And Im so grateful to him that despite his pain and distress, he spent his last seconds loving me back. Im trying to placate myself with these things, but it doesn't take away the loneliness, emptiness and heartbreak I feel. I'm hoping work will be a welcome distraction as home isn't home at the moment without Woody. I've arranged for him to be cremated so I can bring him back home. I always used to think it was morbid bringing ashes home but now I totally get it. Once again, thank you for hearing me out. 

[I miss my girld]

I'm so sorry about Woody. I lost my cat Myles back in January and I've cried every day since. It's so wonderful that he love bumped you before he passed and that you're able to feel his presence. I hope his ashes are a comfort, even if they don't make anything better. I hold and talk to my love's ashes every day. Today I bought frames for a couple pictures of her because the altar I made for her was looking a bit cluttered and most of the photos are just propped up against things. Now it's a little more beautiful and feels different. It just kills me to not be able to take care of her anymore, so I at least try to take loving care of her spirit or her memory. Sometimes the importance of those sorts of tasks can overshadow my feeling of guilt. If making an altar sounds like something you might want to do, I highly recommend it.

Me and my baby had so many rituals, from the way she greeted me when I came home, meals, playing fetch, she even wanted me to come to the bathroom with her. There has been absolutely nothing good about her dying and nothing makes it okay or better. The specific circumstances of how it all happened are pretty much destroying me. I have found that creating some new "rituals" involving her has felt important. Perhaps you might consider doing something similar. I find that a lot of things are so particular to what you do and don't believe and your relationship with your pet. For me, I still say hello to her when I come home (which makes me burst into tears immediately) and I still say goodbye to her when I go out and tell her when I'll be home. I try to sing all the many little songs I made up for her throughout the years, but even though they are mostly 5-10 seconds long I can't get through any of them without sobbing. At night, I light a candle for her on the altar and I talk to and write to her. Like Woody did for you, Myles got me through some really tough times and through school. She was the best part of my life. I too fear that I will never again experience the love I had with her. I hope that your family is giving you extra love right now and that things go okay at work. 

[MissingMyfurbaby]

Thank you for replying g to me and sharing your experience of losing your girl. It is so validating to me to know that what I am feeling is OK to feel. You obviously adored your baby like I did and I'm sorry that you lost your bestie too.

Last night was a tough one for me as my memories were playing tricks on me. I was feeling a lot of guilt about putting him to sleep, interpreting the events so that I was wrong and I let him go too easily. I used to make up little songs about Woody too. They were random little ditties that were usually based on whatever he was doing in that moment. I've called out to him a few times since and the other cats look towards the door and then I burst into tears at the emptiness.  

My kids are devastated at the thought of cremation so I'm am telling them a white lie and saying he will be buried in my aunt's garden. I have a arranged to have an urn that looks like a frame so I can have a picture of him in it and it isn't obviously an urn. I've also started building a memory box for him. 

Grief is such a strange, confusing and overwhelming process. I've never lost anyone I was as close to as I was to him. I feel like my mind is going around in circles. 

I am very thankful for my family's support right now, no one is rushing me through my grief. I hope that colleagues will provide me with the same empathy.  

Do you have any other pets? I have two other cats but technically they are my daughters and partners cats.  I've found I don't really want much to do with them since I lost Woody. Obviously they are still being cared for but I don't chase their affection anymore.ive even found myself thinking why him? Why not my partners, who is older...and then I feel like a terrible person to have such an awful thought. Maybe it's just part of the grieving process. 

I can't wait to bring him back home. 

 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss.  I hope your day back at work goes okay without people making stupid comments.  If they do present, I think I'd reply something like, "It might seem just a cat to someone else but not to me, to me, Woody was everything."

I don't know how old your kids are but that might factor in to why they're upset at the thought of cremation, they don't understand what it is and what it isn't.  

[MissingMyfurbaby]

Hi Kay, they are nine and eleven so are very aware and very distressed by the thought of Woody being 'burned'.  my daughter got particularly distressed about it. This is going to have to be one of those few and far between white lies that you gotta tell kids sometimes. I'm buying a beautiful rose bush for my aunt's garden so they will believe he is there and they feel comforted by it. I've always been a firm believer in being open and truthful with my children about any and all things but this is one instance where everyone feels somewhat comforted (I get to have him home with me).

I work in a caring profession (hospital) so I'm hoping they will not dare to say such things to me. Although most of them are dog lovers I am sure they will understand my grief and help me through it. I imagine people who think so insensitivitily about pet bereavement must have such unfulfilled lives to have never made that sort of meaningful connection with an animal. 

Has anyone ever experienced dreams where their loved ones visit them? I've never wanted to be haunted so much in my life! 

[I miss my girld]

I've had a few dreams about Myles since she passed. Some of them were actually upsetting, some confusing. But every night I wish for her to visit me. You asked if I have other pets. I don't. I live alone now. I can understand what you're saying about your other cats, even though I'm not having that same experience. Lately I keep thinking about how cats often seem to be staring at ghosts or spirits. That's something that used to really freak me out, like if a cat seemed to be staring at something right behind me that I couldn't see. Now I like to think that it is true, and that maybe other cats or animals can help me stay connected to Myles. I have often found myself having thoughts like that lately, which feels very weird but also feels very important to me. I think the rose bush is a beautiful tribute, even if it's not true about Woody being buried there. I hope you are lucky and that Woody will visit you often in dreams. 

[KayC]

You might consider sprinkling some of his ashes at the rose bush so it really won't be a lie, he'll be there too.  I have my husband's ashes by a tree in our yard and that's where I want my ashes to go when it's my time.