Lost my husband dont want to live

[juliethemuse]

I recently lost my husband. he had been ill for many years but I suppose I thought of him as invincible because he'd been close to dying quite a few times but always seemed to recover.

But this time with the renal failure and diabetes it just got too much and his heart gave out. he didn't want to go he fought and fought right up to the end.

one thing is bothering me, well lots of things really but this is the main one. before he passed I couldnt get to visit him easily as the hospital was some distance and I don't drive, I had a bit of a meltdown on the phone to him and we both were stressed and upset. I'm terrified I may have somehow contributed to his passing. I don't think he could have recovered from the empyema and sepsis because he was in the ICU and he couldn't even get out of bed and his breathing was very bad. but how i hate myself for phoning him in such a state. I don't think I'll ever recover.

I joined a Facebook page and have just had to leave it as a member called me morbid for wanting to visit my husband in the chapel of rest. I called her a b****h. this is not me I'm usually very calm.

I just wish i could go to sleep and die.

 

[soundmankeysman1]

Julie,

So sorry to hear about this.  I think we all feel like that sometimes, too.  But it passes in time.  

You will find the folks on this forum very understanding and helpful in your grief/mourning.  

Do you read much?  There are really good books about what you're going through that have helped me in my travels in this foreign land.  Here's a link to some book reviews that I wrote:  http://forums.grieving.com/index.php?/topic/10465-grief-book-reviews/#comment-142734

I hope you find the time to read some of these; they really do help.

 

Mike

[Zara19]

Hello Juliet - I'm really so sorry to read of your distressing loss and your feelings of devastation.  I was in a similar position to you, I thought my Husband too was invincible but he passed away the same day as he was discharged from Hospital.  His kidneys weren't working and he had Heart Failure too.  As you know the heart and kidneys are closely linked, one has an effect on the other so your husbands blood pressure may well have been in a dangerous state already.  What I am trying to say rather clumsily is that, as you mention, his heart could just not pump anymore. It was probably the natural weakness rather than as a result of any meltdown. When this happens it's a sudden cardiac arrest. And it's a devastating shock.  There are a million things I wish I had done differently that may have had a different outcome and 6 months later I still dwell on these issues so I understand the pain you feel, I truly do and I empathise.  If the troubling thoughts persist please don't suffer in silence as I am.  Talk to a sympathetic GP. Your GP can obtain his notes to explain what happened or you could ask for a meeting with the Hospital so they can reassure you and put your mind at rest, if you are strong enough to do so  - I don't feel strong enough.  

Don't worry about the comments on FB, they don't deserve your precious time.  Try not to worry about the meltdown either, you were upset, frightened and worried for your husband.  I hope you have close relatives to support you, you don't say.  I was in touch with the Samaritans for a while and had Cruse Counselling but it didn't work for me. Please take care and just get through each day as it comes, only do what is absolutely necessary as everything else is  unimportant.

 

[KayC]

Hi Julie,

I'm glad you found your way here, no judgment here, just a lot of people going through our grief journeys together and sharing about them.  Loss brings with it a lot of stress so it's not surprising to me that you find yourself responding in a way that you wouldn't have before.  No one needs criticism, especially when grieving!  I wouldn't even respond to her, just block her and be done with it.  That's not a friend!  We have a thread going about friendship BTW.

I didn't have will to live at first either, and it's something I still struggle with but I'm still here years later.  It takes a lot of effort to build ourselves lives we can live with but it can be done.  Takes a long while and lots of patience!  (((hugs)))

[juliethemuse]

Thank you everyone.

I just don't really want to go on like this for the next 20 or so years. its a living hell.

My children are grown and have their own lives. but they have been great with everything.

I had breast cancer 18 months ago. I am kicking myself for having treatment. if I hadn't we could probably be together now.

Why does this life have to be so cruel?

[Andy]

9 minutes ago, juliethemuse said:

Thank you everyone.

I just don't really want to go on like this for the next 20 or so years. its a living hell.

My children are grown and have their own lives. but they have been great with everything.

I had breast cancer 18 months ago. I am kicking myself for having treatment. if I hadn't we could probably be together now.

Why does this life have to be so cruel?

Juliethemuse, I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband, sorry for the misery that's part of your life now. For the things lost, I truly am sorry. 

Please, do not harbor guilt, nothing you said contributed or hastened his passing, he was a very sick man who, as you say, had been fighting for so very long, his body was give out. My wife passed away New Year's Eve, multiple organ failure due to stage 3 sepsis, septic shock. She had endured years of illnesses and sickness and I honestly believe that although her spirit never yielded, her body had just taken too much. My daughter had a typical mother-daughter argument 3 days before she passed, and the guilt was tearing her up inside. I'd like to tell you what I told my daughter. The love you two shared eliminated the need for true guilt, your husband forgave you before you even spoke, just as you never held arguments or petty disagreements against him. Love forgives, the hard part is forgiving yourself. Those thoughts of the words spoken, the regret surrounding them, they will slowly drift further away. Let them. 

Like myself, like the others here, you are still alive. The reason? I don't know, and it's sometimes difficult figuring that out (I'm still working on that one), but we have to live. If I were crossed over and it was my wife who cried everyday in sadness, I'd try with all my energy to make her stop, to embrace what's remaining of her time and try to seek out happiness. So, I'm trying. Have I found it? Absolutely not, I'm right at four months since I last held my wife's hand, heard her say "I love you", but I'm trying. I want you to keep getting up, for as long as you do, you allow "possibilities" to find their way into your life. Don't worry about always being strong, that's rubbish, be weak if you need to, cry, scream, sit quietly if you want, just breathe one moment to the next. 

And your better off without the facade of "friendship" that Facebook peddles to the masses. She was an ignorant wretch who hasn't a clue as to what she was talking about. Leave it behind. You'll get a far better and sincere support system here anyway. The people here are lovely and kind, they've walked this path, continue to walk it, and will help any and all who find themselves walking beside them. 

May you find peace and comfort,

Andy

[juliethemuse]

Thanks Andy ( my husbands name is Andy too)

I just can't settle to anything. I pick up a book, read half a page then throw it down. i turn on the TV but can't watch for more than a few minutes. i'm pacing round the house, looking for something to take my mind off things. 

My sons birthday is in a few days I have a card and present for him , but i don't want to write 'Love from Mum' on it, I want to write 'Love from Mum and Dad xx' but I can't do that now.

How on earth do people last years with this grief? I just know I wont be able to do it.

[Zara19]

Hello again Juliet.  I know what you mean about the birthday card.  My Husband passed away a day after my 51st birthday.  He had been in hospital 5 weeks.  I picked a card that he could sign and give to me but he was so drowsy I said I'd sign it.  I wish I had given him the chance now as he may have wanted to say something on that card to me. It was strange to be handed both sympathy and birthday cards simultaneously.   Like you I don't know how people survive 'over years'.  We had no children together.  I have been too distressed to stay at home alone since it happened and have been with family 25 miles away.  For the first 6 months I was unable to go out anywhere alone and had spells were I couldn't even get up in the mornings.  The shock and trauma takes all your emotional reserve doesn't it. It just seems so desperately unfair that you survived the cancer only to be faced with this tragedy. I find I am restless and very angry as well.  I had declined Anti-depressants until the 5th month and was prescribed Prozac.  I took these for 4 days before deciding tablets weren't going to help at all even though I am depressed.  The grief has changed over the past 6 months and reality is sinking in, it's so difficult.  Andy has written some lovely, encouraging words of comfort in his reply.  Try not to look into the future, it's frightening and personally I'd be lying if I said I never thought of hoping I wouldn't wake in the morning.  I'm sorry I can't offer more positivity but I do wish you strength.  Take care and keep posting whenever you like.

[KMB]

juliethemuse, Welcome and you have my deepest empathy. I lived your situation and believed my husband to be invincible also. Infections, surgeries. He bounced back and recovered so quickly and we would pick up our daily life and keep going on together. Diabetes, congestive heart failure, kidney failure. We were just getting through a bout of edema when he suffered sudden cardiac arrest. He was scheduled to start dialysis the following week. We thought the quad bypass surgery would keep his heart going for a long time.It lasted for about 10 years. I later learned that bypass surgery is only good for 4 or 5 years at best. I almost lost him during that surgery. Thank God he was given some years yet. He was getting weaker, his legs giving out. The week before he passed, the doctors said his heart sounded strong and the dialysis would be beneficial in taking out the toxins from his body and reducing any lingering edema. Make it all easier on his heart. Never got that far, his heart just gave out, He also fought up to the end. There were times I would catch him watching me with such a mixture of love and sadness. My heart was already breaking for him but I kept trying to be strong for him. I know he could see right through my facade.

I am so sorry for your loss. Please, relieve yourself of any burden of guilt. What happened was unavoidable. Your husband would not want you to carry an unnecessary burden. When our physical bodies are dealing with long term illnesses, diseases, they can only withstand so much internal damage and breakdown, the side effects of medications. You are NOT to blame for any preconceived notion that you gave your husband undue stress. I've read that love is the only emotion that is carried with a person when they cross over. Your husband knows you love him and did your best in taking care of him.

I hope you keep posting when you feel the need. We all understand loss and the resulting pain, the loneliness and empty void. Prayers and hugs.

[Andy]

4 hours ago, juliethemuse said:

Thanks Andy ( my husbands name is Andy too)

I just can't settle to anything. I pick up a book, read half a page then throw it down. i turn on the TV but can't watch for more than a few minutes. i'm pacing round the house, looking for something to take my mind off things. 

My sons birthday is in a few days I have a card and present for him , but i don't want to write 'Love from Mum' on it, I want to write 'Love from Mum and Dad xx' but I can't do that now.

How on earth do people last years with this grief? I just know I wont be able to do it.

When I send my daughter a text, I tell her "we love you". My wife's love for her daughter didn't stop when she crossed over, it will endure when all is dust. I'll tell her that "we" are proud of you, I say that she's always going to be our baby girl. Your husband will always be your sons Dad, the love will always be there, so, IF I may be a little bold, I think it's perfectly fine to add "Dad" to the card. Word it how you wish, according to the sensibilities of you and your son, but I see nothing at all wrong about that. Of course, this is personal and if I have offended, I sincerely apologize. It's not a denial of his passing, but an affirmation, a physical testament that love transends and endures. You may find, as I have, that it's the little daily rituals that mean so much, and if there's a way to still engage in some of them, they can help ease their complete physical absence. I text my wife's phone, I still get to do that, I "talk" to her everyday about life. Is it the same? No, not by a long shot, but it keeps somethings from stopping. 

I think more and more about how I'll manage as the years go by without finding someway to be happy, or really how I'll live again. I can't live 20-30-40 years like this. So, I suppose I have a couple of choices. I could go through life little more than a "drone", carrying out chores and functions to meet basic survival needs. I can become angry and bitter, hating life and everything in it, shunning what little family I have left. Or I could keep trying to find the "on" switch. That part of me that has withered away, the part that saw beauty in the oddest of places, wonder at the simplest of things, a desire to go over the next hill to just see what's there. Right now, I'm little more than that drone. I can't let anger rule my life, I haven't the energy nor desire for that, so I suppose I'll keep pushing until I break through or I give out. 

By the way, I'm about a week shy of being four months since my wife passed, and I'm just now able to watch certain tv shows and I still haven't been able to read. I am, or was, an avid reader, so I really want that to come back. Things you feel, reactions you have, pieces of your old life changing or slipping away, it's all part of this path you're on. We will help you anyway we're able, through advice, relating our tales or simply just "listening". 

Peace, comfort and a really big hug,

Andy

[Zara19]

Nice idea about the card Andy.  I thought the same but didn't know how to phrase it properly.  Kindest wishes to you - hope you and your daughter are bearing up the best you can.

[bradley1985]

6 hours ago, juliethemuse said:

How on earth do people last years with this grief? I just know I wont be able to do it.

I am very sorry.  I know a lot about anxiety and inability to concentrate on anything.  You have my sympathy.  All I can tell you is that after nearly 5 months I can sleep and eat and work and watch one hour of TV and read articles on the interent (mostly grief related however).  None of these (except for eating) could do at your stage.  As anxiety goes down sadness goes up.  thats my experience.   And for what its worth I still dont think I will be able to do it.  

[Ashleyash]

Hi Julie, 

I am so sorry for your loss.  I, myself, am new to this site.  I want to assure you that your meltdown didn't cause the passing of your husband.  Your husband had medical issues and that is the only reason this happened.   Please try to be gentle on yourself, make sure you eat on time and get plenty of sleep.  Grief is draining and it takes a lot out of us.   Please try to take care of yourself.  I hope you are able to find some peace and comfort on this site.

[juliethemuse]

Thank you all, I really am grateful to you all.

I will write from both of us on the card. I don't think I could bear just to put 'Mum'

I do hope you understand my phrases and colloqualisms I am from the UK and I think most of you are from the USA. we both loved America and holidayed there many times. lovely memories from holidays we had in California, New York, Arizona and Vegas.

As you can possibly tell I feel a tiny bit better this morning. last night he visited me in a dream and we shared some daft joke. we were laughing just like we always did and I laughed until I cried, something I always used to do but can't imagine doing again when wide awake.

 

[juliethemuse]

12 hours ago, KMB said:

juliethemuse, Welcome and you have my deepest empathy. I lived your situation and believed my husband to be invincible also. Infections, surgeries. He bounced back and recovered so quickly and we would pick up our daily life and keep going on together. Diabetes, congestive heart failure, kidney failure. We were just getting through a bout of edema when he suffered sudden cardiac arrest. He was scheduled to start dialysis the following week. We thought the quad bypass surgery would keep his heart going for a long time.It lasted for about 10 years. I later learned that bypass surgery is only good for 4 or 5 years at best. I almost lost him during that surgery. Thank God he was given some years yet. He was getting weaker, his legs giving out. The week before he passed, the doctors said his heart sounded strong and the dialysis would be beneficial in taking out the toxins from his body and reducing any lingering edema. Make it all easier on his heart. Never got that far, his heart just gave out, He also fought up to the end. There were times I would catch him watching me with such a mixture of love and sadness. My heart was already breaking for him but I kept trying to be strong for him. I know he could see right through my facade.

I could have written that post myself that is almost identical to our situation. he was already on dialysis though. 5x a week at home. his dialysis machine is still in the corner, I can't bear to look at it. I knew he was going to pass but I had to try and put on a brave face which didn't work. in 2004 I donated a kidney to him which lasted for 12 years. in 2016 he was on dialysis again. and it was all downhill from there. sadly his body couldn't take any more infections and surgeries.

 

[Zoe jane]

Hi there sorry for your loss you will feel lots different emotions. But you will find the strength to carry on. Your grieving normal to feel the way you do. Your not morbid for wanting to see him I went 3times.You go as many times as you want. What's best and helps you is all that matters. My hub passed 7th Jan. I miss him dearly I have good days and bad. I can be walk home from work and just burst into tears but it's OK to do that. I don't have family support so I've found myself in real difficulties. Even though I carnt afford the bills sometimes even food I make sure kids are fed we live to fight another day. People on here give good advice and you can share with everyone who going threw same path. When your feel so low think of all Happy times how you meet, places you been thinking positively will help very sure your husband would want you to stay well. You will not caused anything towards your husbands passing. Stay strong go see him at the chapel. Thinking of you 

[juliethemuse]

thanks Zoe. I see your in the UK too. its just to awful to contemplate living like this for the next goodness knows how many years.

[KayC]

20 hours ago, juliethemuse said:

How on earth do people last years with this grief? I just know I wont be able to do it.

One day at a time.  To take on any more than that is to invite anxiety.  I wake up, tell myself I only have to do today, and then I do it.  The next day I get up and do it all over again.  It's been nearly 12 years for me and I still can't contemplate "the rest of my life" or "years", it's too much.  Bite off only what we can chew.

Understand that our grief journey evolves, it's ever changing, it does not stay the same.  We adjust, we learn to cope, but the missing them continues, as does our love.