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New, lost my husband


Ashleyash

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Hi, This is my first time posting here.  I lost my husband in February to alcoholism.  My husband wasn't doing well for a while, so his death wasn't unexpected.  The type of lifestyle he led, he could have died soon or 20 years from now.  I am grateful that he is out of pain and isn't suffering and I am glad alcohol doesn't have any control over him now.  But I am heartbroken.  I feel sad, guilty, and empty.  I wish things could have been different and am struggling with all this.  I hope to get to know all of you here.  Thanks for listening.

Ashley

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5 hours ago, Ashleyash said:

Hi, This is my first time posting here.  I lost my husband in February to alcoholism.  My husband wasn't doing well for a while, so his death wasn't unexpected.  The type of lifestyle he led, he could have died soon or 20 years from now.  I am grateful that he is out of pain and isn't suffering and I am glad alcohol doesn't have any control over him now.  But I am heartbroken.  I feel sad, guilty, and empty.  I wish things could have been different and am struggling with all this.  I hope to get to know all of you here.  Thanks for listening.

Ashley

Ashley, please know that I truly am sorry, for your loss and for the world you now must endure. 

All the emotions you feel, they're expected and "normal". The guilt is especially hard to shake at times, so I hope you come to peace with it, sometimes soon. It has a way of making us question all of our decisions, actions, even our motivations. It's just a negative and pointless exercise in self punishment. 

I recognize the difference in what you experienced versus what I did. Having someone you love pass because of behavior is something I can't imagine, my heart goes out to you. My wife died unexpectedly, without warning. That's a different kind of misery, but watching your husband sort of facilitate his demise must have been excruciating and emotionally exhausting. We all have our "demons", my wife fought hers everyday of her life, your husband fought his. Everyday they lived, every breathe they drew, those were victories. Sometimes, we can't fight anymore. I sometimes think that's what allowed my wife to succumb so quickly, years of sickness and illness, it simply wore her down. My fragile butterfly could fight no longer. She was physically and emotionally at her end. The "demons" are relentless, they never stop coming at us, and so your husband knew this, fought as well and as long as he could. 

My wife passed not quite 4 months ago. Am I "better"? I don't know if I'd say that, but I will say that acceptance and coping are easier. My tears and my loneliness are ever present, the tears not as often, the loneliness a constant. We learn to live with this new condition of sorrow, but we must recognize it, we must tend to it. Don't ignore it or assume one day it will go away, it won't. Own your grief, do not let it possess you. It becomes part of us, much like our love for our beloveds became a part of us. 

Post here as often as you see fit. The people here are beautiful and kind, full of compassion and understanding. This is a miserable "club" you find yourself in now, but at least here, you aren't truly alone.

May you find peace and comfort, 

Andy

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Ashley,

I am sorry for your loss, how sad!  You have found a grief family here and I hope you'll come here and read and post as often as you're needing it.  It really does help to have a place to express yourself and know you're understood.  I hope your friends and family are there for you as well.

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9 hours ago, Ashleyash said:

Hi, This is my first time posting here.  I lost my husband in February to alcoholism.  My husband wasn't doing well for a while, so his death wasn't unexpected.  The type of lifestyle he led, he could have died soon or 20 years from now.  I am grateful that he is out of pain and isn't suffering and I am glad alcohol doesn't have any control over him now.  But I am heartbroken.  I feel sad, guilty, and empty.  I wish things could have been different and am struggling with all this.  I hope to get to know all of you here.  Thanks for listening.

Ashley

I'm sorry for your loss and know the hurt and pain you're experiencing.    It is hard to accept that your husband is not here with you and it is also horrible to face each day without him.  Your suffering is deep and the pain never seems to go away no matter what you do.   I'm sorry your husband's addiction was too strong for him to overcome; but like any addiction, it is a disease.   A disease where the locks are on the inside, a disease where the entire family is effected.    I believe he is resting in peace in another world watching you and how you are suffering without him.

While the feelings you are going through seem unbearable, it is important to seek the support of others so that you can heal.  By turning to others in your time of need, you are able to work through those overwhelming emotions. To start the healing process, you need to lean on family members and friends and accept offers of assistance that may be offered to you.  If you follow a religious or spiritual tradition, you can embrace your faith and engage in prayer and meditation to find comfort.  You can also talk to an experienced therapist to help you work though the intense emotions that are associated with this type of loss.  There are many support groups that are available to you where you can share your feelings of loss with others.  I personally do both and, for me, they are worth their weight in gold

Know that you are not alone on this journey.  God already knows what we're made of; but perhaps, HE wants us to learn what we're made of.  God has put us on this forum at this time so that we can comfort one another with encouraging words but not only that - I think we can all agree that we learning more from out tough times than from our easy times.  God bless and keep you, keep us all, safe.

 

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12 hours ago, Andy said:

Ashley, please know that I truly am sorry, for your loss and for the world you now must endure. 

All the emotions you feel, they're expected and "normal". The guilt is especially hard to shake at times, so I hope you come to peace with it, sometimes soon. It has a way of making us question all of our decisions, actions, even our motivations. It's just a negative and pointless exercise in self punishment. 

I recognize the difference in what you experienced versus what I did. Having someone you love pass because of behavior is something I can't imagine, my heart goes out to you. My wife died unexpectedly, without warning. That's a different kind of misery, but watching your husband sort of facilitate his demise must have been excruciating and emotionally exhausting. We all have our "demons", my wife fought hers everyday of her life, your husband fought his. Everyday they lived, every breathe they drew, those were victories. Sometimes, we can't fight anymore. I sometimes think that's what allowed my wife to succumb so quickly, years of sickness and illness, it simply wore her down. My fragile butterfly could fight no longer. She was physically and emotionally at her end. The "demons" are relentless, they never stop coming at us, and so your husband knew this, fought as well and as long as he could. 

My wife passed not quite 4 months ago. Am I "better"? I don't know if I'd say that, but I will say that acceptance and coping are easier. My tears and my loneliness are ever present, the tears not as often, the loneliness a constant. We learn to live with this new condition of sorrow, but we must recognize it, we must tend to it. Don't ignore it or assume one day it will go away, it won't. Own your grief, do not let it possess you. It becomes part of us, much like our love for our beloveds became a part of us. 

Post here as often as you see fit. The people here are beautiful and kind, full of compassion and understanding. This is a miserable "club" you find yourself in now, but at least here, you aren't truly alone.

May you find peace and comfort, 

Andy

Thanks, Andy for your comforting words.  I am so sorry for the loss of your wife.  Thank you for the great advice and I look forward to posting with all of you.

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10 hours ago, KayC said:

Ashley,

I am sorry for your loss, how sad!  You have found a grief family here and I hope you'll come here and read and post as often as you're needing it.  It really does help to have a place to express yourself and know you're understood.  I hope your friends and family are there for you as well.

Thanks, Kay for your comforting words.  I am glad to have found this site, it makes me feel less alone.  I will definitely be reading and posting here often.

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7 hours ago, Francine said:

I'm sorry for your loss and know the hurt and pain you're experiencing.    It is hard to accept that your husband is not here with you and it is also horrible to face each day without him.  Your suffering is deep and the pain never seems to go away no matter what you do.   I'm sorry your husband's addiction was too strong for him to overcome; but like any addiction, it is a disease.   A disease where the locks are on the inside, a disease where the entire family is effected.    I believe he is resting in peace in another world watching you and how you are suffering without him.

While the feelings you are going through seem unbearable, it is important to seek the support of others so that you can heal.  By turning to others in your time of need, you are able to work through those overwhelming emotions. To start the healing process, you need to lean on family members and friends and accept offers of assistance that may be offered to you.  If you follow a religious or spiritual tradition, you can embrace your faith and engage in prayer and meditation to find comfort.  You can also talk to an experienced therapist to help you work though the intense emotions that are associated with this type of loss.  There are many support groups that are available to you where you can share your feelings of loss with others.  I personally do both and, for me, they are worth their weight in gold

Know that you are not alone on this journey.  God already knows what we're made of; but perhaps, HE wants us to learn what we're made of.  God has put us on this forum at this time so that we can comfort one another with encouraging words but not only that - I think we can all agree that we learning more from out tough times than from our easy times.  God bless and keep you, keep us all, safe.

 

Thanks, Francine for your compassion.  I am praying a lot, reaching out to family and friends, and attending support group meetings which helps.  I hate the emptiness feeling, I just wish it would go away.  Thanks again.

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39 minutes ago, Ashleyash said:

Thanks, Francine for your compassion.  I am praying a lot, reaching out to family and friends, and attending support group meetings which helps.  I hate the emptiness feeling, I just wish it would go away.  Thanks again.

That emptiness of life in general is becoming more of an issue for me lately. The most unexpected aspect of this was the loneliness I feel. It just didn't occur to me, I had my daughter, my parents, friends (I thought), loneliness wasn't a concern. I have been completely unprepared for its impact. I can surround myself with hundreds of people and it makes no difference. That singular connection we have with our partner is so critical to all the other relationships we have. Things are good at home, they tend to be good elsewhere. Remove it all together and it all falls apart, at least for me. The emptiness is trying to become all encompassing in its effect. Today was the latest example of this "hollow world". I love to explore back roads, looking for photographic opportunities or just enjoying the scenery, and I have been trying to get back to that, for just about the last two months, and I have failed. Without having someone to share life with, it's void of meaning. I can't seem to hold onto happiness. 

I too wish the emptiness would go away. I'm afraid as long as the loneliness permeates everything, it can't go away.

I encourage you to keep reaching out to family, good friends, and whatever support groups you feel comfortable with. This will hopefully keep the loneliness to a minimum and the emptiness might not be as prevalent. 

Peace and comfort,

Andy

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I wish the same for you, Andy.  I hope you are able to get peace and comfort too.  I know it's not easy but slowly try to get back to doing the things you like.  In the beginning, you won't be able to enjoy it as much, but later on you will hopefully be able to enjoy them more.  You might have to push yourself in the beginning.  

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1 hour ago, Ashleyash said:

I wish the same for you, Andy.  I hope you are able to get peace and comfort too.  I know it's not easy but slowly try to get back to doing the things you like.  In the beginning, you won't be able to enjoy it as much, but later on you will hopefully be able to enjoy them more.  You might have to push yourself in the beginning.  

I've been chasing it consistently for the last couple of months now. I'm not going to stop, not yet anyway. I want to feel that joy again. I'm working at it, but I haven't found it yet. 

Hugs,

Andy

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