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I am so sorry, Muffy

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It all started in June 2015 when I visited my friend and I saw that she had a lovely kitten. I begged her to let me take him home with me, knowing that she wasn't a cat lover and that she wouldn't take care of him like I would.

So, I brought him home and I called him Muffy, he was one month old. My family loved him and we kept him inside, but also let him outside under supervision.

I was only 17 and in August I went 300km away to volunteer in a summer camp, here in Romania. In September, I got a call from my parents and they told me that he got bitten by my neighbor's dog,  and that she chewed on him all night long, leaving him with a perforated bladder and some respiratory/cardiac issues. They took him to the vet and he gave him some shots and after a few days he got better. 

After that, Muffy changed so much, he wasn't that playful and energetic cat anymore. He wasn't interested in playing and he spent most of the day sleeping on our couch. He was an indoor/outdoor cat now, and we always feared that he will get hit by a car or get bitten by another dog, but somehow he always came home in the morning asking for food, affection and his favorite place to sleep. 

In October this year I found a kitten outside, in the rain and I  brought it home. We named him Messi (as the football player) cause he liked to play with rubber balls.

I introduced them carefully to each other and Messi started to play with Muffy, but he didn't know how to play with other cats properly and he was biting him too hard. Sometimes Muffy would play with him too but most of the time he didn't like being "bullied" by him.

Two days ago I decided to neuter them both because the small one (that is now 7 months old) sprayed my bedroom wall. 

I called the vet and I told him about the small one and he said that we should wait until he is fully grown-up (1 year old at least) and that I should bring Muffy the next morning to neuter him first.

I took him to the vet yesterday morning and I told the vet that he got bitten by a dog and that he's not breathing as normal cats do and that he never sleeps on his side, he likes to sleep on an inclined plane. He just did a normal check-up, with a stethoscope and then he gave him a shot in his back leg. He threw up a little and then he gave him another shot, the anesthetic and then he fell asleep. The surgery went good and then he told me what to do when he wakes up, and told me to come back the next day for his antibiotics, etc.

I got home and I was so so so careless and I put him on my bathroom floor on a blanket, I let him lie there. I didn't put a pillow under his head like he would normally prefer.

I went to change my clothes and then I checked him. He wasn't breathing and his heart wasn't beating so I called the vet and he told me to bring him back to him. I wasn't thinking straight and I didn't even think about performing CPR or something that might have helped him.

The vet tried to resuscitate him and after 5 minutes he told me that he was very sorry, that he was dead...He told me that he heard a murmur/noise when he checked him up first but he didn't think that it was harmful and he proceeded with the surgery.

I was so so shocked and I didn't realize what was going on...I just took Muffy in my arms and kissed him on his head and I went to the car with my father.

We were both crying, and we waited for my mother to come home from work and then we buried him in our backyard.

I have been crying since yesterday and I feel so guilty for choosing that vet to get him neutered.

I keep thinking that if I went to another vet he would've had a different opinion and not get him neutered....

I don't know what to do, I miss him so much. He was the most loving cat in the world, he had a dog's personality, he was so calm and he loved sleeping on my lap and he liked to knead me....and he was always purring and even gave me love bites.

I am so so sorry for being so selfish, I thought I was choosing what's best for him cause I didn't want him to spend the nights outside anymore...I wanted him to stop looking for other cats...

I can't stop crying, even now, I keep looking at videos and photos of him. He was living his normal life, we all loved him, and I just had to interfere and get him killed. 

I pray to God and ask Muffy to forgive me for being so selfish. And I want him back, I miss the smell of his fur and the way his tiny mouth smelled and the way he used to sleep with his tongue sticking out.

I feel so bad without him, even though I have Messi I miss the way he was bullying Muffy and then slept next to each other on the couch.

I just felt the need to write this whole story because he mattered so so much to me...and I just needed to tell that to someone that has experienced the loss of a pet, someone that understands...

I am so sorry for making that decision and I know that I can't turn back time, but I can't stop thinking about him and how happy he was, even though he wasn't like all the other cats, he was happy with his life and he was happy with me and my family....

I will love him forever

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You did what responsible pet owners do,neuter their animals.  It keeps them home and keeps them from getting in so much trouble that way.  Unfortunately, the vet didn't seems to listen to you when you told him about his problems.  He probably couldn't take the anesthesia with his heart situation, and the vet said he heard a murmur yet proceeded anyway?  If he was a human physician he'd be up against a hefty lawsuit right about now!  I'm so sorry for your experience, and for your loss, this was not your fault.  Poor little Muffy!  You gave him the best life and loved him to the fullest, this really is not your fault.  It's okay to talk to Muffy and tell him how you feel...when they pass from this life to the next sometimes their spirit lingers and it's believed that they can hear us, but they have an understanding and fuller comprehension than they would here, they're at peace and not suffering.  You were not selfish at all, you loved Muffy with all your heart.  I'm just so sorry this happened.  As you say, he was happy with you and I'm sure he thanks you for giving him a good home.  This was an accident and you could not have foreseen it.

Guilt is a normal part of grief, it's as if we are thinking about all the "what ifs" in an effort to rewrite the ending.  Guilt only serves a purpose if it calls attention to something that needs changing, but once we have learned something through it's calling our attention, we need to let go of it because after that it turns to shame and holds us down and keeps us from progressing as we need to.  Guilt may have a purpose but it's short lived and then we must let it go.  I wish you peace and comfort.

I hope you will read these two articles:




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