Just to get it out

[RachaelG]

My name is Rachael and I'm 28. In January of 2017 my mom committed suicide and left me on this earth, parentless. In April of 2000 my dad committed suicide although that doesn't compare to the pain and suffering my mom has left me with. We had been arguing and hadn't been close. She said awful things to me and I said awful things to her. I now know that was her way to push me away and almost prepare me for this. I was 29 weeks pregnant and my husband, 2 year old and I had moved back in October to my childhood home with my mom so that we could save money to buy a house. I didn't realize that she was at rock bottom. I didn't know she had become an alcoholic. I thought and told people she might kill herself but I honestly didn't know that she would really do it. When I was 16 she took a bunch of pills and left me at home alone with my now husband. Luckily the police found her and got her to the hospital where she woke up from her first suicide attempt. I was so angry then. I already had a lot of responsibility but that sealed my fate. I chased her for years worrying that she might try it again. I left college and moved back home to attend college so I could watch her. I gained 140 pounds and was so depressed that I laid in bed for 18 hours a day. My relationship with my boyfriend and everyone around me suffered until one day I decided there would be no more chasing her. I hardened my heart on purpose and faced the fact that if she killed herself then that was what happened and I could no longer ruin my life worrying about it. So I distanced myself. She didn't try to be involved in my life like most mothers do. She babysat my child alone maybe 6 hours total in the two years she's been alive and I had to ask for that. She missed holidays and birthdays. We didn't have dinner or go anywhere together. 

January of 2017 came and in early January my mom started arguing with me about my parenting because I was letting my child cry it out at bedtime. She must've been drinking because she started in on me and my husband via text and then proceeded to tell me I was an awful parent. That was the final straw. I let her have it and told her what kind of parent she had been and immediately started looking for a place to live. January 21st she started texting me again but this time it was about her house being in my name and how I needed to switch it back. That argument I let her have it again and the last thing she text me before I blocked her number was "what have you ever worked for". On January 26th we moved out of my moms house in a rush with no goodbye. I was scared of her and her irrational thinking. It even crossed my mind several times that she might kill me and then herself so I stayed away and kept my child away from her. On January 27th we got a call from her job saying she didn't come in so my husband called her. When she called him back she was drunk and said I didn't love her and we would be better off. She told him she was going to kill herself and was crying and telling him she was sorry before she hung up. We got dressed and started looking for her. We finally went to her house, the place she had lived for 30 years and the place I was brought home from the hospital to and my husband found her in the garage. She shot herself in the chest. There is so much more to my story but I'll end there for now. I just wanted to get it out and know I'm not alone. 

[Zita]

Dear Rachael...I'm so sorry for your loss. I just want you to know that you are not alone. Sending you a hug x